someone_here Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 my BF and i had been together for 2 yrs plus.. and it was up and down. We like and love each other a lot but 2 weeks ago we broke up because he felt tired of our relationship (thats what he said). He said i am too argumentative and he wants me to be more like him and to be adapt and see things as he does. I believe in God and he doesnt. He kept on saying what i believe is stupid and said that i need to be smarter and to get "educated" . I explained that i hope he could accept and respect my faith, leave it as my personal choice but he cant do it apparently. He said he is not comfortable with me as a church goer, my background and feels it will influence me too much if i am too much involved there. I feel he is very opinionated and wanted me to follow his thinking. Many little things in TV or magazine can make him upset even it has nothing to do with me and if i asked him to calm down be cool abt it, he got offended and said that i have no interest on things on he cares. I explained n explained, that i just being practical on things which are necessary to bother and i am not comfortable if other things outside affects his mood and opinion abt me. He said i only care about business but in fact i am not because i am doing voluntary work for mentally disable kids every week and giving charity without expecting any business. I felt sad that he judged me that way, and i did explain that it is not true. I feel he misunderstood me. i know i have a stubborn character, and i have been really trying to change it and trying to be patient with him n others. I dont mind to change my character flaws but if i have to change all my belief and values , i feel i will be somebody else. But then in the end he said he thinks we should be friends. So i accepted even though i am sad. I accepted as a mater of respect and i thought if being with me is hurting him too much, i would let him go. I dont want to hurt him. after that i returned his keys, stuffs.. n from that moment, he kept on talking abt how he wants me to change and he is confused and he doesnt want to loose me but we should be friends. I said i gave what he asked since he wanted it. He said he doesnt know what to do but he does care abt me and still loves me. He said he missed me so much and he cried a lot infront of me. He afraid if he will loose me completely and asked me to have a break and not too see him often but as friends which can meet up now and then. At the 1st week was so hard, because many times he kept on calling and when he met me , he was treating me as how he used to, he kissed me, hugged me, and all that, the way he calls me, baby.. and all those that. I have been in a roller coaster emotion and i am confused of what he wants. He contacted me, asked me to meet up, chatted me,.said he missed me too much and he cant take it if he has too loose me forever but in the end he said he wants me to give him some space and dont see him but he wants to keep in touch. He said he is afraid if we are not meant to be together after all. i have been trying and trying to be quiet and lessen my contact and until few days ago i cried when i was in the office after he chatted with me and i felt i couldn't take it anymore. He contacted me, keep on talking to me but then he verbally rejected me, said he has been missing me but then he rejected me again by saying to me " i need a break and we should not meet up too often". Few minutes after that, he texted me " please be patient with me, forgive me for my confusion". So finally i sent him an email and asked him to stop emailing or contacting me until i am ready to see him again. I asked him to let me to restart my life and asked him to respect that. I still have feeling for him. But i cant do this anymore if he is keep on hanging me like this and not knowing what he wants. I told him if one day our path crosses again, i want to be fall in love with him again, starting all over again and i hope he will be able to accept me as i am and not getting angry with me or easily get disappointed with me when i have different ideas or opinion. i dont know if there is hope for he and i to be together.. i miss him but i think i am hurting too much now by his confusion... and i should move on. what do you think ? I still hoping and hoping we could be together again but it seems he doesnt know what he wants.. He doesnt want NC but he couldnt decide. and i feel rather than things hurting me, i should protect my feeling this time. From guy's point of view, what do you think ? Does NC will help the situation? is it NC the best way for now?
vessv6l Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 Hey there I read the first few lines of your post and was disgusted that your bf would disrespct your beliefs so much. He does not deserve you at all. Someone one who truly loves you loves you for what makes you you. That includes what you believe and how you think. You are not the problem, he is. He has a closed minded view of you and he will only make you unhappy. Find someone else that accepts you for who you are. I think there is nothing wrong with a person changing for someone but not when he expects it of you. It should be a change that you want to make because they make you want to be a better person. I personally dont think he deserves you as a friend. He is trying to lead you on, thinking that you will do anything to be with him. If it were true love he would want to be with you however you are. Move on and find someone who derserves you
Ronni_W Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 Someone, I'm sorry that you're going through this. As I'm seeing it, your ex isn't even "friend" material let alone has the qualities, knowledge, wisdom and skills to be anybody's "boyfriend"! His attitudes are so...I don't even know what to say...his views of life and what is within his real power and authority to control are waayyyy past dysfunctional. It is delusional for him to think that he has the right to control you by telling you what, when and how to think and believe. (Is he KIDDING???) After that, it will be what to wear, who to hang out with, what career to have and when to have babies. It is delusional and creepy. but if i have to change all my belief and values , i feel i will be somebody else. That is exactly right...if you do that, you WILL be giving up everything that makes you special and unique. (That's what he wants -- for you to become his clone instead of a person in your own right.) Even how he's thinking that he can "lose you" is faulty -- as if you are a set of keys. He does not, and never did own you, so he cannot "lose you" in the way that his deluded self is thinking he can. You are NOT just "someone" ... you are an incredibly important, significant and valuable SOMEONE. Just because your ex cannot see that, is not your problem. Protect your Unique Self at all costs. Go 'no contact', change all your phone numbers, emails, etc. Block him from everything that is yours. Do not let his crazy beliefs contaminate anything that properly belongs to you -- mental, emotional, physical or spiritual. Run away, run away!!! And have a happy, successful, safe and secure life.
Author someone_here Posted April 22, 2009 Author Posted April 22, 2009 Hi Ronni and vessv6l, thanks for the feed back. i am trying to move on. It is not easy task to do. But i am trying . My ex said that things most of the time i was the one who made things difficult for the relationship . sometimes i hear it in my head n makes me so sad and somehow i feel i am the bad person. I feel i am the one who messed up the whole situation. Once he mentioned about his ex gf who asked his permission to have sex with somebody else. When i heard that i was surprised and told him, that his ex gf was not respecting his feeling by asking him that kind of permission. And he got upset with me and said i am too conservative and i am too judgmental , he said it must be church influences me. I was confused and wonder am i really wrong to think that way? for me, if i am with someone, i am not asking permission to have sex with some other guy. That goes without saying i think. Am i too judgmental ? He said should sympathize with people more. I think i did but he said i have to be nicer too him. i think i have been but seems not enough. and it hurts me. He did call me 2 days ago and told me that he is still thinking about me a lot and he wanted to see me again. I am not sure if i should see him again.I am afraid he will mess up my head and i will have another ups and down moment...
nature Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 I will tell you, that I am not religious in the sense of going to church or following one strictly created religion per se. So I will give you the opinion of someone who does not go to church, since your boyfriend seems to want to use the fact you go to "church" as his scapegoat. This is what I see. Your ex boyfriend is an absolutely wretched, immature, emotionally abusive person who wants control over you by hurting you, mocking you, and will go to any means to get it. That means cutting down your morals, cutting down your ethics, your beliefs, etc. Your beliefs and morals are to be admired. His are to be abhorred. He sounds like a rotten little redneck, no mind, simpleton. Any gentleman or lady believes the same as you. It has nothing to do with religion or church. It is called having class. Which he clearly does not have. Feel proud of who you are. Do you want this guy turning you into some low class sleazy bimbo with no morals? I think not. Let him pick on someone who's already "down there" with him. Because you do not need to go down with him. Stay up where you are. With class and dignity. In order to stay together, one of you would either need to class up, or class down. I doubt you want to class down. So I hope this gives you your answer. Either this guy classes up (which is doubtful it would ever happen), or you feel sorry for him and let him stay down there by himself. Do not sacrifice your dignity for a pig!
Ronni_W Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 I am not sure if i should see him again. Someone, I strongly suspect that there is a part of you that is 100% sure what to do. Or, you can ask yourself, "What is making me ignore my own valid feelings (of fearing my ex's negative impact on my psyche)?" You can be understanding and compassionate from a safe distance -- you do not have to put yourself in harm's way or make yourself a doormat for someone else's faulty beliefs and distorted perceptions of life and love. You DO know what will be in your OWN best interest. You ARE 100% sure. Yes? Hugs, Ronni
James C Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 I also do not believe in god at all but my most recent girlfriend did and went to church every week. It was never a problem between us because she knew i respected her choices in life, your boyfriend should respect your religious views.
Author someone_here Posted April 25, 2009 Author Posted April 25, 2009 thanks all for the support and advice. So finally i just set some space and silent. and he came to my door step and he said he loves me still and doesnt want to loose me. Which is nice to hear. but then he admitted that he dated a girl that he thought he likes and he kissed her. I didnt know how i supposed to react. And he was asking me if i had met someone or went out with anyone. So i said yes and told him that there is a particular guy which seems like me and i went out with him a couple of times. Then he asked if i did anything with that new guy, i told him that he kissed me. After hearing that, he is so upset and got angry and said i am not supposed to do that and he said i am too easy and go out with other guy. Whatt???? he could have a date and kissed her, while somebody likes me and i just want to move on he got angry. He said all sort of things how disappointed he is and told me if i really care for him i should have just gone out with girls and not letting somebody came to me or at least guard my heart not to get involve with other guys. He said i am too easy.. .. at the first place, i went out with the new guy as friends and i am not thinking to jump right away into new relationship because i am afraid of making a wrong move and rebound thing. I even told the new guy to stay friends and explained that i just broke up. And he understand that and respect that. i dont understand why he has to come all the way, pop up to tell me that he dated this new girl, kissed her and told me that she seems to like him also..and told me that how nice she is. why did he has to tell all of that crap??? why is he acting like a f*ck*ng assh*le? doesn't he has feeling?? I was not even wanting to tell anything abt the new guy because i dont want to hurt his feeling. But he deliberately told me the detail abt his date. Somehow i am so disappointed with him and i think this is it. Enough is enough.. i dont know what to do anymore...he pops up.. he called.he texted.. cant he leave me in peace.. and dont mess up my head n my heart? why does he has to be like a jerk ? he kept on telling me he still loves me and has feeling for me, i am important for him.. but what??? sorry if it is sounded very frustrating.. but i am really speechless and i dont know how should i describe it...
nature Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 Look up emotional and mental abuse. It sums up your ex boyfriend. He wants you to feel bad. He wants to break you down. He wants control over you, even now that you are broken up.
Trialbyfire Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 The less contact you have with this guy, the better for your emotional well-being. He's abusive and controlling. No matter what you say or do, he will find fault with it. Even if you become his clone, you still won't be good enough. Note how it's okay for him to have dated but not for you. You're too easy... In forcing you to always second-guess your actions, he maintains the upperhand with you. You will always be trying to prove yourself to him and that's not a healthy way to live. Don't do this to yourself. Keep your distance and heal, not just from break up but from abuse.
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