I don't know how to SHOW my girlfriend that i really love her.

[little android man]

Me and my girlfriend of 17 months are going through a rough time. about 2 and a half months ago we started getting at eachothers throats, and then it happened and we broke it off. She said it was because she wanted me to show her that i loved her but i never did (other reasons to but not relevant.) so to get her back i did a series of smaller things to show her that i cared, and she took me back. we've been doing really well but i still don't know what i can do to really show her, and she's getting upset with me again.. and the fighting is starting again and we are heading down the same path as before. I know i have to do something big to show her so she'll know how much i really do love her.. but i just don't know what to do... i'm not the best with this kind of stuff but i really need to do this.. she deserves it.

 

can someone help me brainstorm some ideas..? like give me examples that people have done, help me out with specifics, or not even specifics just help me with general ideas to work off of to get me started. you don't have to name the basics basics cause chances are i've done that already. i really need something big.

 

i wanted to give her a whole day for this. i have this idea where i get rose pedals and and note and put them in the passanger side visor and tell her she has a smudge on her face and to check it, and when she opens the visor the pedals fall down on her and she sees the note. i was thinking just a simpple i love you in the note but maybe i can work something off of that... but i thought that would be a cute and effective way to start the day.. but with the rest of the day i am really drawing a blank.

 

please help.. anything is appreciated.

[Ruby Slippers]

I know i have to do something big to show her so she'll know how much i really do love her.. but i just don't know what to do... i'm not the best with this kind of stuff but i really need to do this.. she deserves it.

This is where you're tripping yourself up. You don't have to do a few big things -- in fact, it's much better to do a LOT of SMALL things. Here are a few ideas:

 

-Offer her a back rub.

-Cook dinner for her.

-Take her on a "surprise" date -- don't tell her where you're going or what you're doing in advance.

-Give her a sincere compliment out of nowhere.

-Write her a little poem (doesn't matter if it's silly -- it's the thought that counts).

-Give her a small gift (a little $2 trinket is fine -- just something to show you're thinking about her).

-Write her a sweet letter/note.

-Tell her you love her.

-Invite her to take a long walk.

-Bring her flowers -- even wildflowers that you picked are fine.

-Make her a mix CD of songs that are meaningful to the two of you.

-Tell her about a memory from your past together that you think is sweet.

 

And so on. The possibilities are endless, really.

[little android man]

but the thing is i do. because i do do small things.. i've done 9 out of those 12 things that you listed.. even recently in our relationship. she just wants something that isn't an accumulation of little things, just one big thing that really get's it across that i really do love her. she knows (or atleast i hope she knows) that i do a lot of small things for her.

[whatacinch]

actually i don't know why she wouldn't know that you already love/care about her. If doing those little things aren't enough already then there really is a problem. You don't need something huge and put it right there in her face to tell her "honey, this means i really care about you".

[little android man]

well whether she is right or wrong it's what she really wants and i can't say otherwise. she's been telling me for a long time this is what she wanted.. but i just haven't known what to do. when i've told her what you just said more fights just came up because she says that she just wants one big thing, and then the little things to keep following to follow up and show that i mean it. as a good boyfriend it's my job to try and give her what she wants.. and it's not like a huge request because i really love her more than anything and i should know how to handle this.. but i don't. i just want her to stop feeling like she needs to tell me because i dont understand what she wants. i know how much she wants it, but i just don't know what to do otherwise i would have a long time ago.

[belocchoc129]

Well, I think something is going on here. Have you ever asked her, why all the time you guys have been together, all the effort that you've made because of her, all the little things that you did, did she realize them and treasure them at all? Or she just took them for granted too many times that now she is too much of it, she feels bored and want you again, to do sth big big big for her. I dont meant to be harsh, but I think it is the truth that she's selfish, she just asks and never wants to give sth. Honestly, I advise that you don't do anything. If you still want to keep your relationship with her, just leave her a note to tell her all the little things you did for her, all the memories you guys had together, and then state it firmly that you really love her but you don't feel this relationship is mutual because she asks for too much. Love needs sacrifice, but it needs to be a meaningful sacrifice in a right situation (you dont want to die for her if nothing happens, you know?). Sorry again, I dont mean to be harsh but thats what I honestly advise you. If she's a really good girl that deserves your love, she will understand your note and won't ask for anything

If she still insists that you must do sth, then you really need to think back your relationship with her

Everything is up to you.

Best wishes

[RecordProducer]

she says that she just wants one big thing

She has something in mind and I suspect it might be marriage, but I am not so sure. She sounds scary. You too with your behavior of a schmuck.

 

Are you rich or something? You need to grow balls and stop being her puppy - it's disgusting.

[Jersey Shortie]

Think of things she likes to do. Take her to breakfest, go ice skating, take a walk in a local park and have a picnic, ..... you don't have to make big grand movie romance gestures. What kind of things interest your girlfriend?

[mr.dream merchant]

Man does anyone else here think his GF is being a ****ing nazi? Who commands their SO to show love like that? If she isn't appreciating the love you already show and give her then screw her. Don't jump through hoops and **** because she's unappreciative. Tell her you want her to do some outrageous **** to prove how much she loves you. See how well that mixes with her, lmao. Wow. This is pretty upsetting. My friend had a GF like that. Had him jump through hoops and hoops and hoops to show her that he really cares for her. I'm sorry but if your girl can't see you care for her by now, 17 months, and by all the small sweet things you do, then **** her.

[Jersey Shortie]

I bet if she was asking him to show her he loved her by doing something sexual, you're post would have been totally different.

[MeMyself&I]

Me and my girlfriend of 17 months are going through a rough time. about 2 and a half months ago we started getting at eachothers throats, and then it happened and we broke it off. She said it was because she wanted me to show her that i loved her but i never did (other reasons to but not relevant.) so to get her back i did a series of smaller things to show her that i cared, and she took me back. we've been doing really well but i still don't know what i can do to really show her, and she's getting upset with me again.. and the fighting is starting again and we are heading down the same path as before. I know i have to do something big to show her so she'll know how much i really do love her.. but i just don't know what to do... i'm not the best with this kind of stuff but i really need to do this.. she deserves it.

 

can someone help me brainstorm some ideas..? like give me examples that people have done, help me out with specifics, or not even specifics just help me with general ideas to work off of to get me started. you don't have to name the basics basics cause chances are i've done that already. i really need something big.

 

i wanted to give her a whole day for this. i have this idea where i get rose pedals and and note and put them in the passanger side visor and tell her she has a smudge on her face and to check it, and when she opens the visor the pedals fall down on her and she sees the note. i was thinking just a simpple i love you in the note but maybe i can work something off of that... but i thought that would be a cute and effective way to start the day.. but with the rest of the day i am really drawing a blank.

 

please help.. anything is appreciated.

 

I'm sorry but I feel that a woman who needs this much reassurance that you love her has deeper problems than you can address.

 

Her cup is so empty that you will never fill it. Everything you put in there is not enough and just keeps seeping out at the normal rate but is never enough to compensate for the emptiness that was there.

 

Why do you feel this is your job? Do you want to stay in a relationship where you give and give. Maybe this feels a need in you. Maybe you are co-dependent.

 

I'm sorry. I know it IS important to show you care about someone but what you explain is to the extreme and it's more than a healthy relationship needs. When you are giving all of this to her, what are you doing for yourself? Is she consuming her actions and life with how to do these things for you??

 

Like I said she has a void that YOU can't fill. She needs to go address her neediness professionally. She has sounds like she has unresolved issues of abandonment or something (I'm just guessing because I've been there). Looking for a man to fill this for her will never work and never be enough til she loves herself.

 

Anyway.........if there is more to the story to explain why she feels this way fidelity issues, etc with you maybe I'm wrong. But by your explanation of her need for reassurance from you sounds extreme.

 

Good luck to you and to her.

[hoping2heal]

well whether she is right or wrong it's what she really wants and i can't say otherwise. she's been telling me for a long time this is what she wanted.. but i just haven't known what to do. when i've told her what you just said more fights just came up because she says that she just wants one big thing, and then the little things to keep following to follow up and show that i mean it. as a good boyfriend it's my job to try and give her what she wants.. and it's not like a huge request because i really love her more than anything and i should know how to handle this.. but i don't. i just want her to stop feeling like she needs to tell me because i dont understand what she wants. i know how much she wants it, but i just don't know what to do otherwise i would have a long time ago.

 

 

I know exactly how you feel. My bf re-ittirates all the time that I don't do the "little" things, that his needs are going unmet,etc etc. He thinks I don't listen to him or care about his day. Yesterday we got in a tiff because I was watching vh1 greatest hard rock countdown; Someone on the tv quotes chris cornell as a wickedly good singer, I said "are you a wickedly good singer?" and something else in reference to what's on the tv. Now anyone who knows me, knows I just talk a lot and say nonsense sometimes, but he INSISTS I was making a malicious joke about him.He won't take otherwise for an answer, flat out refuses too.

 

I just don't seem to ever do enough to make him happy, damned if I don't, damned if I do. Now, don't get me wrong, I am guilty of not being as attentive to him as I should of been in the past, and I'm guilty of repeatedly shaking his trust by lying to him. Those are all past things though, and now it's like..I'm not telling lies, I'm being honest, I'm trying to be supportive, trying to pay attention to the little things and the response is still the same. I care a lot about him but I almost don't see the point anymore, because no matter how hard I tried I still hear that I'm not giving him what he wants.

 

But yeah I know what you're going through and it sucks and hurts a lot

[Lucky_One]

The problem with doing "big things" is that they have to get bigger and bigger and more expensive as time goes by. (Sort of like sexual excitement escalation for some people - your porn has to get kinkier and your sex more promiscuous and wild before you can get off).

 

I would worry about someone who needs the external proof and validation of your love constantly. I can understand someone wanting to see small tokens of love and caring - it is lovely coming home and my BF has beat me here and has started dinner, or he has cleaned out the litter box (which he HATES doing). But I don't need him to rent a plane and have "I love Marissa" written in smoke in the clouds.

 

His actions and his words show me that he loves me on a daily basis, and we enjoy doing things FOR EACH OTHER to make each other's lives more pleasant and happier and easier.

 

I am not seeing much evidence of reciprocation here - does she show you how much she loves you, too?

[normal]

i would be leaping for joy if my boyfriend even did half those things.

she is probably looking for a wedding proposal or something.

doesn't mean you should propose, but that's what i gather.

 

have you guys tried spending less time together?

my bf and i live together, and when we feel things getting tense we know it's time for some alone time for each of us.

we spend time with our friends or do things alone that are fun.

we sleep together say hi and i love you...but keep distance.

 

hard to explain.

my bf and i apparently have a weird relationship according to our friends.

so you might not want to listen to anything i say.

[mr.dream merchant]

I bet if she was asking him to show her he loved her by doing something sexual, you're post would have been totally different.

 

No actually, it would've been the exact same. She shouldn't be faulting him for her huge void that she wants filled. He did nothing wrong and she's manipulating him, making him think he ****ed up when in reality he's good enough for any half decent/appreciative chick.

 

To the OP, your GF has you by the balls and she knows it. Have some sense of self worth and tell her to take you as is or you can express how much you love her by leaving her miserable ass to be alone while you enjoy your life with another kinder woman.

[CandyGirlXO]

but the thing is i do. because i do do small things.. i've done 9 out of those 12 things that you listed.. even recently in our relationship. she just wants something that isn't an accumulation of little things, just one big thing that really get's it across that i really do love her. she knows (or atleast i hope she knows) that i do a lot of small things for her.

 

WOW! If you really do 9 out of those 12 things, then you sound like you definately know what you are doing and she is being ungrateful. I would be walking on clouds if my BF did all that you described.

 

Sounds to me like she wants a proposal. The ultimate way to show your love for her....

[You'reasian]

Man does anyone else here think his GF is being a ****ing nazi? Who commands their SO to show love like that? If she isn't appreciating the love you already show and give her then screw her. Don't jump through hoops and **** because she's unappreciative. Tell her you want her to do some outrageous **** to prove how much she loves you. See how well that mixes with her, lmao. Wow. This is pretty upsetting. My friend had a GF like that. Had him jump through hoops and hoops and hoops to show her that he really cares for her. I'm sorry but if your girl can't see you care for her by now, 17 months, and by all the small sweet things you do, then **** her.

 

I agree with this.

 

If you've done these nice things for her, chances are she's gotten desensitzed to it or like the dream merchant says - doesn't appreciate it & from the tone of your post, it sounds like she's wearing the pants.

 

You're doing all the work.

 

Take the pants back and go for a walk, enjoy yourself, be in the moment and if she doesn't come with - find someone new.

[Ruby Slippers]

In that case, yeah, there's a deeper issue and it's her responsibility to communicate to you what that is. We all have different emotional needs, and it's great when our partner can read our mind, but that's not always the case.

 

It might be a matter of compatibility. I've been with guys with whom I felt loved and appreciated all the time, and then I've been with guys with whom I never really felt secure and appreciated. You can try to spell it all out for them, but that does get pretty tiring and sometimes can take the wind out of your sails.

[sarayanna]

I think she just wants a proposal. Girls don't want to ASK for this, they want you to want to propose on your own.

 

In case that is not it, a book called "The Five Love Languages" is excellent and applies here. The book is based on the idea that different people express and want love in different ways and if you aren't speaking the same language, problems result. It is a good read, regardless of what you decide to do.

 

I do agree with the other posters that your GF sounds needy, whiny, and immature. Just my two cents...

[thewingwoman]

My ex and I had a similar issue, and he didn't really get it until after we split. He was not a very emotional guy, never did anything really special for me (the times we did do stuff, it was obviously stuff he really wanted to do anyway, with or without me), and it eventually wore on me that he didn't seem to care at all.

 

After we broke up, we still talked (still do) and saw each other often. I think he finally got it one day because we had made plans to go out, but I got sick and was unable to go out, and he showed up at my house with soup and salad from my favorite restaurant and hung out for the rest of the night. Then he sent me a text after he left telling me how much it meant. These are both things he'd have NEVER done before. And shortly after this, he started sending me random texts throughout the day just asking how my day was going and such, and some that just said "just had a thought about you"... this stuff blew my mind because it was stuff he never did. I know all of it is very simple gestures, but it was the fact that he was going out of his way to do things he knew I would appreciate... It's a shame he waited until after we split though...

[samspade]

I am all for spontaneous romantic gestures. But they should be because you just thought to do something nice, not because you need to prove your case to her. She sounds like the one who has the "burden of proof" right now.

 

In any case, you have broken up once and have a history of fighting. Why do you want to hang on to this, and feel the need to prove yourself to her when she should know how you feel by now? Yes, surprise a girl and compliment her from time to time, give her the occasional gift. But don't go building any Taj Mahals. Contrary to what Dr. Phil and a lot of people say, relationships should not be so much work. They are supposed to be fun.

 

Android man, for future reference, the examples Ruby Slippers gave are excellent ideas for occasional acts of romance. In my opinion, your relationship with this current girl has run its course, if she's repeatedly upset with you and you've been supplicating yourself like this. You are taking way too much of the blame for what sounds to me like a broken relationship.

 

I think she just wants a proposal. Girls don't want to ASK for this, they want you to want to propose on your own.

 

If this is what she is after, run for the hills. A real woman doesn't beat a proposal out of a guy. You propose when YOU are ready, and if she can't wait, she's not the right one (but I'm pretty sure she isn't, anyway).