I don't want to be here.

[Lovelybird]

Hi, happy birthday

 

I know how you feel, many many years ago I felt the same burden, so heavy that I didn't care to bear anymore. then someone told me about God, I felt like fresh air blew into me, I saw new visions about life, I didn't know life has so much meaning and colors. maybe you've heard many religions and self discipline and self help books, but all are so different from you really can know God, and feel HIs love on daily basis. When I am weak, HE gives me strength, when I am sad, HE always comforts me. Your life should be different, and full of hope and dreams.

 

I remember Jesus said "blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted"

"Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light"

 

Our souls are hunger, many people seek satisfaction from somewhere else, but only God can satisfy a soul

 

Please find rest for your soul.

[Art_Critic]

Happy Birthday Aerorobyn...

 

Sorry to hear that things are tough right now..All I can say is things get easier the more time that goes by and please keep reading and posting on loveshack... this is such a wonderful place and we certainly could use a person like you around here..

 

You have lots of friends here who care about you...

[marlena]

I am so glad you posted back, Robyn. I know your birthday wasn't what you had hoped for but that's just one birthday in many more to come. So my wish for you is that this time next year you are in a better and happier place. And you will be if you allow it.

 

I know it is hard but try to forgive your father's weakness. Like someone on here said, he has his own demons to fight. One thing I can tell you is that he does love you in his own helpless way. How do I know? Well, my daughter's father, my ex-husband, is also an alcoholic and I know he worships the ground that she walks on. He has had a troubled life and alcohol is his only form of escape, most likely from the things that he feels guilty of, the things that torment him. He is a weak man, Robyn, a slave to his own destructive passions.

 

Try to understand and forgive your father. I know that you can do it because you love him so much. This will give you peace. This is what my daughter, who is only four years older than you, has done. She adores him and if anyone says anything bad about him, she pounces on that person to defend him.

 

One day you will have a job, your own car, your own apartment, your own money to do whatever you want with. You will finally be able to get in that car and drive off to wherever you want to go. You will travel and see the world and meet incredible,interesting people. One day, you will also have your own family. All wonderful things to look forward to.

 

So welcome to our small community here. We may argue a lot but deep down inside we all care for one another. So stay around and get to know us better! We are really an interesting bunch!

 

I agree that anti-depressants may help. But of course, you will have to ask your doctor about this. Make an appointment and have a talk with him/her and see what he'she says. Do this this week.

 

Hugs dear,

M

[boldjack]

Robyn, thanks for posting. I was worried and so were all the other posters. None of us here at LS can face the problems for you but ALL of us can and will help all we are able to. I echo what Lizz and others have said about seeking medical help. Maybe you need to take medication, maybe not, the doctor will advise you on this. As far as your problems go, you have to understand that you are NOT alone. Everyone here has had bad romances, and many people are going thru financial hardship, they have and will get thru them and so will you. The one thing that you need to have is patience. That and an inquisitive mind will carry you thru many of the troubles you are having. Go to the library, seek out new forms of entertainment, meet new people. Hey, if you can talk to the posters here at LS, you can talk to anyone. You have some family and friends and can make new friends. You are bright and have a great deal of insight, perhaps you could get into counseling? Perhaps you could be the person who could help your father with his disease? Who knows? Anything is possible. Listen ,Robyn, bad things happen, to you, to me, to everyone, What matters is to learn from them, but not dwell on them. The things that are happening now, will pass, the future will be filled with new things, both good and bad, the feelings that you are having now will make you a stronger, better, person and you WILL get better. I have faith in you, Jack

[Meaplus3]

If my dad wants to be an alcoholic, he can. He's been going on binges since I was a little girl, and things are only getting worse. I can't stop him. I have a strong feeling he's getting into drugs now, though he denies it, I'm almost certain. But the point is...he made me a promise. He said he'd be there for us to celebrate our birthdays. And he wasn't. I saw my mom yesterday, for the first time in years, and she didn't even give me any birthday wishes.

 

I used to exercise all the time. Every single day, for at least two hours. It always did make me feel better...and I've gotten back into that routine, but it doesn't help. The negatives are weighing down on me too heavily, that nothing seems to help--except Lizzie's video, that put a bit of a smile on my face.

 

I feel that I need to get away from here. I want to get in my car and leave...go on a journey into the unknown by myself. But I can't really do that without a job and money.

 

When will things pick up? Things are getting worse and worse each day. Will the whole 2009 year be this way for me?

 

Hi Robyn. You see! Now something as simple as Lizzies video putting a smile on your face is such a good thing. It shows you can still laugh and smile and that's so important. Now, you mention you used to excercise. How about trying a diffrent type of excercise this time? I know I find walking very helpful. Infact, I walk each morning with my neighbor. And even on the day's when I'm not scheduled to walk with him, If I'm feeling anxious I just call and he meets me and we walk. I sort of walk off my anxiety so to speak. it's one little thing that helps so much and I look forward to it.

 

I understand your feeelings of just wanting to get away from it all.. gosh, I think we all feel that way from time to time.. it's just a natural part of life. Things will get better for you. If you can just look at the little things in life that put a smile on your face it helps so much so keep that up. Best wishes.

 

Mea:)

[Kasan]

Happy belated birthday!!:bunny:

 

My husband's step-father and mother were/are alcoholics.

 

It's amazing to me how they have managed to re-write the family history. I can't begin to tell you how many times they have let their kids down with their broken promises of functions they would attend, family events they would host....

 

It's no way to raise children, and no matter how old you are, there are permanent scars left on the psyches of these children, now grown adults.

 

I have often wondered why my husband and his brother had to go through the childhood they had, why they had to endure the drinking and the violence on a daily basis.

 

The only answer that has made any sense for me, is, the drinking and the violence shaped him into the man that he is today. Somewhere deep inside of him, a decision was made to break the mold, ie, to never become like his step-father and his mother.

 

Growing up with a family like this hasn't been easy on my husband, nor do I suspect that it has been easy on you. The disappointments piling up can seem to be a horrible burden to carry, along with the shame of covering for a drunken parent.

 

I am sorry that you have had to endure a childhood like this, as you had no say whatsoever, in being born into a family like yours, and I suspect you are older than your years from living in this environment.

 

I am glad that you posted last night and let us know how you were doing.

 

Please keep posting as you will find that you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings.

 

Many on this forum have gone through similar periods in their own lives when everything seemed hopeless.

 

You will get through this............like many before you have.........

 

Lean on us!

 

(((Hugs sweetie!)))

[Lizzie60]

A-Robyn... I see that you're now an established member.. so that gives you the possibility to PM others..

 

Feel fee to PM me or any other LSer that you trust and feel comfortable with... if you need support..

 

This could be a very good idea whenever you feel down.. and don't want to post openly about it..

 

Take care.

[Brady_to_Moss]

The night is always darkest before the dawn...hang in there!

[Aerorobyn]

Thank you again for the birthday wishes everybody. As you already know, my birthday wasn't great. It wasn't even good. It was awful.

 

I'm having these feelings again today. I don't think what I have is depression. Maybe to an extent it is, but I think there's something else, because my thoughts and feelings are very inconsistent.

 

I woke up yesterday feeling that I could take on anything and get through life. I was pretty content yesterday, and had a positive outlook on life.

 

Today, however, is the exact opposite. I'm back to the point I was at three days ago. My grandparents will be fine without me; they have other grandchildren... My dad will be fine without me, because his only love is the alcohol... My friends probably wouldn't even notice if I were gone since they've got lives to live... And my ex probably wouldn't be phased one bit; he doesn't love me or care for me the way I do for him.

[anne1707]

I know it is hard when you are feeling the way you do but stop selling yourself short.

 

Your family and friends DO care. The people here on LS care too. This place is quite a strong little community and there is always someone here if you need to post.

 

As to whether you have depression or not, I would not like to say but it may well be worth going to see your doctor - tell them how you feel. Just talking to someone face to face might just make you realise how much you do have going for you.

[josie54]

Hi Robyn,

 

I'm so sorry you're feeling so horribly--when I say I've been there, too, I can say so with all honesty. I agree with those posters who have said that this is something that you need help with--a therapist can help even if you don't feel that you're depressed. It can help just to talk things out.

 

In the short term, however, maybe a way of thinking that I've used to keep myself going at time would be helpful to you as well. During a time when I really thought about killing myself, I realized what that would mean, both in terms of what would be absent, what would be present, and what I REALLY wanted to happen:

 

First, I realized that I really didn't know what would actually happen...what if there's an afterlife, and I took the pain with me? What if I simply moved, rather than disappeared? That would just suck.

 

And then, I looked at all the things that would also be over:

--no more pizza or ice cream or tea (I really like pizza, ice cream, and tea)

--no more of my favorite television shows.

--no more sunsets

 

And then what would happen afterward?

 

--pain for my friends

--pain for my family

--disruption for everyone in my life

 

Then, my last and biggest realization. Did I really feel that it was easier to kill MYSELF than to go after the actual areas that were making me unhappy? What on earth was so damn easy about killing MYSELF, and so hard about, say, signing up for a new college course to get new skills or work at a bookstore or something to make a little money to move to a new town, or actually ASK someone for help? Why on earth would I rather annihilate myself, rather than overcome the dark feelings and make a change, any change, big or small?

 

You can take that thought process into any aspect of your life. You said yourself that you like who you are. Why on earth would you want to kill something you LIKE? Kill the things you DON'T like, not your whole life.

 

When that switch went on for me, I started small, with the color of my bedroom. I didn't like the color. I "killed" that color, and replaced it with another color I did like.

 

I'm now working on killing a job I don't like. Just because I don't like what I'm doing, is that a reason to kill the entirety? No, I'll kill that job only. I'm interested in art, so I've enrolled in community college (very inexpensive) in a few courses, to start a new career path.

 

Am I completely happy today? Not completely, but it gets better with every change. And whenever I have any kind of thoughts, I remember what death really means. It means that I would selfishly and needlessly cause pain to everyone around me, that I would never touch or do the things I actually did love again.

 

Many posters here are asking you to focus on the positive things, and I know how hard that is to do sometimes. Right now, you just want to get away from the negative. But I ask you to focus on a handful of things that you love--your favorite color, petting your dogs, walking outside in the grass, seeing a rainbow. And then think about never, ever, ever doing those things again. Ever.

 

Then think of the pain you would leave behind....it's not insignificant....it's HUGE.

 

Finally, think of the huge amount of energy spent on the thoughts about ending life, and then ask, is that really and truly the "easy" way out? It's not, it's incredibly complicated. There are easier paths, even if it doesn't seem so right now.

[Phateless]

Thank you again for the birthday wishes everybody. As you already know, my birthday wasn't great. It wasn't even good. It was awful.

 

I'm having these feelings again today. I don't think what I have is depression. Maybe to an extent it is, but I think there's something else, because my thoughts and feelings are very inconsistent.

 

I woke up yesterday feeling that I could take on anything and get through life. I was pretty content yesterday, and had a positive outlook on life.

 

Today, however, is the exact opposite. I'm back to the point I was at three days ago. My grandparents will be fine without me; they have other grandchildren... My dad will be fine without me, because his only love is the alcohol... My friends probably wouldn't even notice if I were gone since they've got lives to live... And my ex probably wouldn't be phased one bit; he doesn't love me or care for me the way I do for him.

 

Do some googling on "reframing." It's important to recognize your own negative thoughts for what they are - a broken record of internalized negativity (usually sourced from outside yourself) of which you've taken ownership and continually convince yourself is true.

 

It's not. You have to deconstruct these thoughts one at a time and reframe them into something true. You're an intelligent girl, and logically you KNOW that those thoughts are just not true. You have to tell yourself that until you believe it.

 

You have some core beliefs about yourself that aren't fair or true. Reframe the negative thoughts into affirmations and just take the affirmations for a given and base your actions on those. Trust me, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

As for your dad... as hard as it is to believe, it reflects NOTHING on you, only on him. It's not your fault, it does NOT mean that he doesn't love you, only that he's a crappy Dad.

 

Reframe those thoughts and get going with swing dancing. I promise you it will help.

 

OH!! This is a big one. Google the term "explanatory style." Trust me, this will blow your mind with how close it hits to home. This article is geared around sales and cold calling but it very much applies to life in general. Check it out.

 

http://www.thecountry-club.com/pdf/Otimism%20Shulman%20Article.pdf

[Nikki Sahagin]

I've been where you are 2 - on more than one occassion, so I know how horrible you feel. It kind of feels like the effort to pull yourself free is so extreme, and then you only slowly go sliding back into it anyway. It is a very difficult thing to experience but by no means unique. Look at all the people on here who have wanted to do the same thing.

 

I think usually the thought of suicide is a comfort - you know that you have the option to end it, if you choose. But often it is not what we really want. Otherwise we would do it, and not discuss it. Something holds you back and that is a combination of fear and the possibility of hope that things will get better.

 

I think life is very difficult and the difficulties are numerous; whether it is friendships, relationships, family, work, addictions, mental illness, loss, confusion - pain and suffering hit us all in different ways. The suffering of one person is physical; starvation. The suffering of another is emotional; heartache. Life is about suffering and also reward. Sometimes we work hard to accumulate meaning and worth only for it to all blow away in a second. There is no logic or reason to our world and many of us struggle through. I know how it feels when a sunny day only makes you feel even more hateful and bitter and you just want the weather to match your mood.

 

Know that we all suffer, we all feel allienated and disconnected. Suffering is an odd beast because though we go through it alone and it feels a uniquely independent experience, we are actually all united through our capacity to hurt and suffer. Also as we struggle, our lifes become reacher because what we achieve in the end, becomes more meaningful. It is easy when you feel overwhelmed to want to give up. I think thats all it is, its the feeling of being overwhelmed. Its uncomfortable and awkward to have to just 'sit' in that feeling or thought when it can lasts hours, days, months or longer and enable it to pass.

 

My mothers friends son committed suicide, and the pain it left her is inexpressible. Think that if you cant cope now, imagine how the people left behind will never be the same if you choose to leave this world. Its easy for us to feel taken for granted or unloveable or even to think, it would be better that we weren't here....even to not care what those we leave behind would feel, because what we feel in the moment is so intense. But if you left the world tomorrow, there would be a huge and unfillable gap in the lifes of many people, that nothing could replace.

 

To someone we are all unique. Yes we are all just a mass of people. But to the people we touch, we are all angels. We can all enrich and improve anothers life with love, peace, tolerance and understanding. Just as a person can break another person and destroy them, we can build each other up and sustain each other. To someone in this world you are irreplacable, special, unique, individual and important and to take yourself out of this world, would take an angel out of it.

 

Life is short and brief so even if you live a life of tragedy and suffering, live it. Because once the time is up its up. And we do not know what awaits us on the other side. Live life. Because for all the bad there is good. And for all the good there is bad. The years are short and precious. It is so easy to take life for granted, to even view it as a curse, until it is gone. I hope this helps in at least some small way.