way_2_tired Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 So I feel like I don't know anything about dating and relationships in general let alone long distance relationships. I'm trying to decide if I should ask someone I met months ago to start an international long distance relationship or not. A bit of background on the situation. We met while I was volunteering in his country for two weeks. Starting falling in love within a week and said "I love you" before I left. We didn't commit to anything ever other than being friends. Now it has been 3.5 months. We text almost every day and talk maybe once a week on the phone. We have started a branch of a non-profit together and are working towards starting a hospital in an underserved area of his country (in Africa). (He is a doctor, and I will be one shortly) Our communication when not concerning medicine or non-profit work is friendly and caring. Over the past few months he only said I love you maybe 3 times. He has made no mention of being anything other then friends in the future. I told him in an email that since he didn't want to be anything other then friends I was going to try to stop loving him. He never agreed or disagreed. But hasn't said I love you since. I'll be in his country every year for a few weeks to a few months until I live there permanently in about 5 years. I plan on practicing medicine in a poor area there.....hopefully for the rest of my life. So now, I still love him, I miss him every day. I am way way too busy with my training and non-profit work, and additional training to prepare for work in Africa to date anyone. I would like to ask him to have an LDR with me, but I dont' know how to bring it up or anything. He still tells me he misses me and I know he thinks highly of me. He plans on working with me for my entire trip to his country in december. I have been trying so hard not to love him, but it's not working at all. I've never met anyone that shares my passion for underserved international medicine like he does. I miss him so much. I don't want to screw this up. I want to ask, but I like being friends and don't want to mess that up. I know I should be patient and wait until december.....but I don't know if I can.
Island Girl Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 I told him in an email that since he didn't want to be anything other then friends I was going to try to stop loving him. He never agreed or disagreed. But hasn't said I love you since. Why did you do this? It reads like you played a very childish game. You were "fishing" for his take on having a romantic relationship. And the way you went about it was immature. You told him you were going to "try to stop loving him". The way you wrote this you wanted him to protest and declare his intentions. Kind of ridiculous when you look at the fact that he is an educated scientific man who probably makes sure steps in his life. You haven't known each other that long. And you are able to still talk to him, still get to know each other, and you will be seeing each other again. Let things be. You really have no other choice. When you are there in person you can clarify yourself and say what you need to say at that point.
northstar1 Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 So I feel like I don't know anything about dating and relationships in general let alone long distance relationships. I'm trying to decide if I should ask someone I met months ago to start an international long distance relationship or not. A bit of background on the situation. We met while I was volunteering in his country for two weeks. Starting falling in love within a week and said "I love you" before I left. We didn't commit to anything ever other than being friends. Now it has been 3.5 months. We text almost every day and talk maybe once a week on the phone. We have started a branch of a non-profit together and are working towards starting a hospital in an underserved area of his country (in Africa). (He is a doctor, and I will be one shortly) Our communication when not concerning medicine or non-profit work is friendly and caring. Over the past few months he only said I love you maybe 3 times. He has made no mention of being anything other then friends in the future. I told him in an email that since he didn't want to be anything other then friends I was going to try to stop loving him. He never agreed or disagreed. But hasn't said I love you since. I'll be in his country every year for a few weeks to a few months until I live there permanently in about 5 years. I plan on practicing medicine in a poor area there.....hopefully for the rest of my life. So now, I still love him, I miss him every day. I am way way too busy with my training and non-profit work, and additional training to prepare for work in Africa to date anyone. I would like to ask him to have an LDR with me, but I dont' know how to bring it up or anything. He still tells me he misses me and I know he thinks highly of me. He plans on working with me for my entire trip to his country in december. I have been trying so hard not to love him, but it's not working at all. I've never met anyone that shares my passion for underserved international medicine like he does. I miss him so much. I don't want to screw this up. I want to ask, but I like being friends and don't want to mess that up. I know I should be patient and wait until december.....but I don't know if I can. Well, ask yourself this. Can you see yourself happy and satisfied in a relationship where you see each other only a few weeks a year, and the rest of your interaction is through electronic communication? If not, then it's not worth this much stress, especially, as Island Girl mentioned, you've not known each other very long. LDR's are hard work even for those who have had an 'in-person' relationship of considerable duration before it became distanced.
Author way_2_tired Posted April 17, 2009 Author Posted April 17, 2009 Why did you do this? It reads like you played a very childish game. You were "fishing" for his take on having a romantic relationship. And the way you went about it was immature. You told him you were going to "try to stop loving him". The way you wrote this you wanted him to protest and declare his intentions. Kind of ridiculous when you look at the fact that he is an educated scientific man who probably makes sure steps in his life. You haven't known each other that long. And you are able to still talk to him, still get to know each other, and you will be seeing each other again. Let things be. You really have no other choice. When you are there in person you can clarify yourself and say what you need to say at that point. I was not trying to play a childish game. It seemed based on other communication with him that he had given up on anything happening between us. When I wrote that message, the line of "trying to stop loving you" was only one line in a rather heart felt email that he said he read and enjoyed reading adn thanked me for it. I thought I could just give it up and enjoy being friends and colleagues. I'm finding that I can't and just don't know whether to be honest with him about my feelings for him or continue to hide them...... I want to say that I made a mistake, in writing that. But, I don't know if that is a good idea.
Author way_2_tired Posted April 17, 2009 Author Posted April 17, 2009 looked up what i actually wrote: "I am trying to lose those feelings for you, since I know that you don't want to be anything more than friends"
Island Girl Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 looked up what i actually wrote: "I am trying to lose those feelings for you, since I know that you don't want to be anything more than friends" You write you do already know he does not want anything more than friendship. So you DO know this? He did tell you this in some way? Because your post suggests he never said one way or another. So, if he hasn't said one way or the other, you writing "I know you don't want to be anything more than friends" was fishing. The way it reads, you wrote that to see if he would protest and say that he DOES want more - or at least make some statement about the relationship. Writing something like that or saying something like that is a mistake. It is immature. And you are putting words in the other person's mouth. It becomes very easy to misread and think you have decided a relationship is not worth the effort or would be too difficult. It can also be read as you finding an excuse not to go deeper. You do want something more than friendship. Right now I would still just develop your friendship. But learn a lesson from this and talk about you and your feelings because those are all you really know and can be sure of. Let the other person speak for themselves. You may still get a chance at a relationship with this guy. You will be seeing him again. So just keep up getting to know each other and let things develop however they are going to.
Author way_2_tired Posted April 17, 2009 Author Posted April 17, 2009 thanks. maybe I'm just socially retarded. that's my new diagnosis. I seriously have very little experience in the dating realm, I just don't know anything. Hopefully I haven't messed up anything too badly. Only time will tell I guess. You know in the movies there is always that brilliant nerd with the social skills of a dead wombat......I lean that way, unfortunately. I'm 21 yrs old, almost done with my MD, brilliant in medicine, and yet....rather lacking in some areas in life. There ought to be a book on these things....ok that only accentuates the nerdiness doesn't it? Should I apologize or anything? I'm just trying to be me, but "me" seems to be awfully good at screwing up.
Island Girl Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 Don't be so hard on yourself. You guys are still in contact and you can allow the relationship to develop how it will. As far as the "brilliant nerd" thing, that actually will be an endearing quality for the right man. So do not worry in the slightest about that. No, you shouldn't apologize. Just skip right over the top of it and continue talking as you have been. Friendship is a good foundation for a relationship anyway and if that is all there ever is then don't shoulder all of that. Just chalk it up as "wasn't meant to be". Those that do have extensive dating experience have PLENTY of those. And another way to look at the lack of relationship experience is that you do not have any preconceived notions or baggage (yippee!) which most guys will be thrilled about. -- Not that your relationship history should be a topic of conversation, I am just saying your views will be fresh and untouched which will not go unnoticed. You are interested in this man. So just RELAX and enjoy getting to know him. In the end you may find he may not be a match as a partner but will be a great friend you can rely on. OR he may just be that match both of you have been looking for. The key right now is just enjoying the journey.
Author way_2_tired Posted April 17, 2009 Author Posted April 17, 2009 OK. thanks. I think you're right. I'm not going to mention anything. He actually knows I've only dated one person, because he asked. He asked me how many people I slept with too, which I thought was a little weird, but I answered honestly. one. I know he, because he said so, has dated lots of people. he is eight years older then me, so I understand. He wouldn't say how many even though I asked him after he had asked me. So maybe he is just giving me some slack due to my naivete? My only relationship was long one, six years. It ended because after a massive head injury my ex had significant personality change and became a bit of a manipulative liar and was abusive. so my only experience unfortunately is not the best, especially because I spent little time with my ex due to my difficult time consuming training until a couple weeks before the head injury. so most of the relationship time was difficult. Well, we will just see how this goes, I guess. At least I have a good friend and colleague for years to come as we work on this non-profit together.
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