TrustInYourself Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 I seem to be in a situation where I am creating arguments. It's probably a mutual thing, but I am setting it off just as much as she is. Now the question is, at what point do I sacrifice my temporary emotional state for the sake of preventing arguments.
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 I seem to be in a situation where I am creating arguments. It's probably a mutual thing, but I am setting it off just as much as she is. I am quite impressed that you can even realize this about yourself - it takes alot of self analysis and a high level of integrity to be able to say something like this about one's self. Now the question is, at what point do I sacrifice my temporary emotional state for the sake of preventing arguments. Excellent question. This is a question I think that each one of us can only answer for ourselves. It's like the question, "how do you know when it's time to end it?" That is really different for each and every one of us. If it caused me too much pain and/or sacrifice to avoid an argument, then I need to analyze if I am making the right choice in allowing her to control the situation / decision / argument... What is 'too much,' though?
delajoonal Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 hi TrustInYourself... i just could not let this post go by without taking a moment to let you know, that i have been doing the SAME THING to my dh... argh! i am so mad at myself..but i can't control it once i get started... AND i have so many darned questions that this jerk husband won't answer..he is like talking to a brick wall! so, it is fabulous that we both can see what we are doing...and admit it...BUT now what do we do to stop it..LOL..not funny...but you know what i mean, right? last note....my dh moved out yesterday, hopefully for the last time...as i found the MOVIE tickets 2 of them, in his room..from the day before...so that set off an entire days worth of screaming, questions, and crying uncontrolably.... anyway...good luck..let me know if you figure out how to constrain the outburts? cause i am just way to angry and and hurt right now...ALL too new and fresh wounds..too much to hold back without imploding:sick:
dead-dyke Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 at what point do I sacrifice my temporary emotional state for the sake of preventing arguments. Hi T~ I'm not sure what you mean by temporary emotional state - I probably don't have a good answer for you, but maybe clarifying what this means might invite some solid advice. If it's just temporary, then maybe you guys just need to let time take care of it? Are the arguments about big things, or frivolous? I'm not asking you to spill the beans on subject matter, but is it even resolvable? I'm going to bet yes - Hard to say, though w/ out knowing the severity or nitpicking. Are you guys just getting on each others nerves? Someone will have an answer for you, or at the very least, suggestions.
Gunny376 Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 The way you defuse it? With humor. If your the man. Any man that lets a woman engage him or them in an argument is a fool! ONE way or the other? Your going to lose ~ even if you win? My last LTR with a live-in GF she got on me about of all things? Vacuuming? "I vacuumed the last two times!" ~ yada~ yada! "Yea? Did you do it while you were naked? You are SO hot when you do housework! (She got mad about getting mad about getting mad with me she ended up laughing and in my lap! ~ the old your going to trip over you sulking lower lip) At the very least, you need to defuse it, its like finding a roadside bomb or IED in Baghdad, the first thing you do is step away from it very, very slowly. Keep your damn mouth SHUT! Its like learning to shoot a rifle the way Marines teach it! BRASS, Breath Aim Relax Second Full Breath Second Breath ~ and then hold half of it! That is to say, always step away, take a second, breath, relax and then take another breath. If at all possible postpone it! "I understand that this an issue of concern, lets put this on the shelf for the moment, give me some time to think about it, and we'll talk about it later" If it boils over in the front of friends and family? Say something like, "Whoa I wouldn't want to be me later on! LOL! 9 out of 10 times? It won't even come up again! 1
delajoonal Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 gunny... i find myself, daily, searching out your posts now....you have a way with words, like my favorite author, amazing! thanks for always posting in these forums...like i said, i for one, am finding i NEED your opinion/advice daily now...with my dh on the wayward side...so to speak...LOL have a great day! p.s. i love this last post..i am going to try it...i am always up for new ways to improve myself and any situation i make myself feel/look/seem ugly in...ack!...LOL:o
Author TrustInYourself Posted April 17, 2009 Author Posted April 17, 2009 Thanks for the advice. I know what to do and some do have some measure of self-control and humor (maybe too much). The question is why would I want to sacrifice my feelings for the sake of avoiding her anger? The problem is for me. I have to concede on things I feel strongly about, which is nearly impossible for me. If she is encouraging my daughter to disobey me, because I am too strict, I have a hard time.
Phateless Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 The way you defuse it? With humor. If your the man. Any man that lets a woman engage him or them in an argument is a fool! ONE way or the other? Your going to lose ~ even if you win? My last LTR with a live-in GF she got on me about of all things? Vacuuming? "I vacuumed the last two times!" ~ yada~ yada! "Yea? Did you do it while you were naked? You are SO hot when you do housework! (She got mad about getting mad about getting mad with me she ended up laughing and in my lap! ~ the old your going to trip over you sulking lower lip) At the very least, you need to defuse it, its like finding a roadside bomb or IED in Baghdad, the first thing you do is step away from it very, very slowly. Keep your damn mouth SHUT! Its like learning to shoot a rifle the way Marines teach it! BRASS, Breath Aim Relax Second Full Breath Second Breath ~ and then hold half of it! That is to say, always step away, take a second, breath, relax and then take another breath. If at all possible postpone it! "I understand that this an issue of concern, lets put this on the shelf for the moment, give me some time to think about it, and we'll talk about it later" If it boils over in the front of friends and family? Say something like, "Whoa I wouldn't want to be me later on! LOL! 9 out of 10 times? It won't even come up again! lol you make a good point. I think the main problem we all have is that we engage the other person over silly stuff, or let them engage us over silly stuff. If we know it's stupid when it comes up we have to just let it go. It can be very hard to avoid the temptation to take the bait.
Author TrustInYourself Posted April 17, 2009 Author Posted April 17, 2009 It gets old and tiring fast. The more I put up with it, the more I start to think about when my wife had left me. I sometimes question if I would be happier alone. That is the mind killer. It feeds my negativity and I find myself trying to just close off my emotions.
Phateless Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 It gets old and tiring fast. The more I put up with it, the more I start to think about when my wife had left me. I sometimes question if I would be happier alone. That is the mind killer. It feeds my negativity and I find myself trying to just close off my emotions. I know exactly what that's like. I was caught BAD in that cycle with my ex when we lived together. When she left me, in some ways I was relieved, but in some ways I kept having the arguments with myself forever. It took me a long time to let it all go. I learned a lot from that, mainly what my own role was in my own unhappiness. For now, you WILL be happier alone, guaranteed. Once you have calmed down and let it all go, you can start to think about finding someone new. It will be much better. Just always try to remember how much power you have for letting things go and not engaging in a fight. You can be the bigger person. If you realize over time that the other person can't do the same, then maybe that's a sign that it's not the right fit.
dead-dyke Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 You shouldn't have to concede, as your wife wouldn't want to, or shouldn't do on important matters either. She also shouldn't be encoraging the misbehaviour in your daughter though, either. Sounds like she is baiting you. Have you discussed this w/ her? What is her reasoning behind this. You are supposed to be a team, not one upping each other, or her to you. Maybe she has some false sense of power over you thinking that you will bend because she did come back to you? If so, shame on her. Very touchy. I see why you're confused/frustrated.
lostsoulmate Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 Thanks for the advice. I know what to do and some do have some measure of self-control and humor (maybe too much). The question is why would I want to sacrifice my feelings for the sake of avoiding her anger? The problem is for me. I have to concede on things I feel strongly about, which is nearly impossible for me. If she is encouraging my daughter to disobey me, because I am too strict, I have a hard time. I don't see anything wrong with a situation like this bothering you. The two of you should work as a team. If she encourages your daughter to disobey you that IMO shows a considerable amount of disrespect. Perhaps you have some build up resentment you are carrying? IMO she shouldn't tell you how to raise you daughter.
Author TrustInYourself Posted April 17, 2009 Author Posted April 17, 2009 You shouldn't have to concede, as your wife wouldn't want to, or shouldn't do on important matters either. She also shouldn't be encoraging the misbehaviour in your daughter though, either. Sounds like she is baiting you. Have you discussed this w/ her? What is her reasoning behind this. You are supposed to be a team, not one upping each other, or her to you. Maybe she has some false sense of power over you thinking that you will bend because she did come back to you? If so, shame on her. Very touchy. I see why you're confused/frustrated. Not sure. But it makes me think the same things you are thinking. It makes me consider her in a bad light. It increases my anger and frustration with the situation. This is all my perception. The truth could be that I'm an overbearing, overly confrontational parent. It's hard for me at the moment to see how I am, because of my emotions. I'm sad too. Just sad and tired. Disappointed in myself and in her. It's not typical for me. Just FYI, we worked through it. She mentioned counseling which I was not too keen on. How many more times in our marriage are we going to have to see a counselor because we can not communicate. Right now, we seem to be doing ok. I'm the one who is introspective and feeling down though, and it's affecting our dynamic. She notices. It's not hard, when I am typically upbeat, social and fun. It's hard to pretend, but that's me. I wear my emotions visibly. I'm open and I pay for it. Which just feeds this cycle of fighting and sadness. It's a hole that just keeps getting deeper and deeper.
Kasan Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 I am really sorry to hear that you are still "fighting" over some of the same issues that originally brought you here. I have found in my own marriage, there seems to be always be an issue that is argued about and yes...... fought over. It really doesn't seem to matter how we vary our communications concerning this matter, it just never gets resolved. We have simply given up and agreed to disagree on this particular issue. It's just not worth the emotional drain, and all the angst that gets dragged into our other discussions. But then again, it's not about parenting styles either. Have you considered sitting down with your wife and discussing calmly what the boundaries should be in your child's life? Who will enforce the boundaries when they are broken, and how they will be enforced? But.....then I wonder, why it is, the both of you haven't come to some kind of understanding on this issue. What is the sticking point for the both of you? It's important that the both of you present a united front when it comes to discipline, or else your child will pick up on this............but you know this. You really impress me with your ability to look at yourself critically, but I hope your wife is working just as hard as you are.......that she is carrying as much of the load as you are in working on your marriage.
Author TrustInYourself Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 Yeah, well we are getting along smoothly lately. I guess this is normal for any marriage. I asked before bed if I should schedule the counseling like she requested while we were fighting and I got no response. I did not push it, but just mentioning it seemed to bring up dark clouds.
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