Lights Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 I've heard many tales and legends about how being approached or asked out "brightens someone's day" or "makes them feel flattered". My experiences so far indicate that that is at near total variance from reality. Most people in the areas I've lived in seem to consider approaches as being annoyances, suspicious, or as something to be ignored. Are there specific forms of approaches or methods of asking someone out that would cause the types of reactions the legends indicated (I'm not asking about whether or not the invitation is accepted or about whether the person turns out to be single or not)?
Isolde Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 It depends who's doing the approaching and how. It can be very, very flattering if in the right circumstances. Me personally, I would love to be approached in a bookstore or cafe. If I'm not interested--I'll simply be polite.
You'reasian Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 Put out your signal and see how they respond. Location is important too. What works in one city at one venue won't work at another location or setting.
BCCA Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 Put out your signal and see how they respond. Location is important too. What works in one city at one venue won't work at another location or setting. Like any other part of dating, you have to get lucky and catch the person at the right time. I think a lot of times, people out and about have what they need to do in mind, or are trying to get somewhere, so having to stop what they are doing to hear a guy's pickup attempt is going to already put him behind the 8-ball. Youre disrupting their routine, and we as people are creatures of habbit. You also have to realize that any good looking woman probably gets hit on a lot, and it gets to the point where it just gets old. So again, I know how you feel...I get the same sort of responses all the time. Even when I just casually smile at women passing me on the street, they usually give me a dirty look or simply look away and pretend that they dont see me. Obviously, though, these women arent in the same frame of mind at the same time as me.
Isolde Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 I can't tell you how many times I"ve made eye contact and even smiled only to be completely ignored. This is not something to be taken personally!
BCCA Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 I can't tell you how many times I"ve made eye contact and even smiled only to be completely ignored. This is not something to be taken personally! Thats a good point, Im sure it goes both ways. And youre right, taking it personally is probably the worst thing to do.
You'reasian Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 Agree with what you guys are saying - just enjoy the moment, if they're not there, move on.
Author Lights Posted April 17, 2009 Author Posted April 17, 2009 It depends who's doing the approaching and how. It can be very, very flattering if in the right circumstances. Me personally, I would love to be approached in a bookstore or cafe. If I'm not interested--I'll simply be polite. Wow. I wish people out here were as friendly as you indicate yourself to be. Put out your signal and see how they respond. What does this mean? Location is important too. What works in one city at one venue won't work at another location or setting. By "works", what are you referring to? I wasn't so much referring to whether or not the approach is accepted, but more about whether or not it actually has the effect that the legends indicated. Like any other part of dating, you have to get lucky and catch the person at the right time. I think a lot of times, people out and about have what they need to do in mind, or are trying to get somewhere, so having to stop what they are doing to hear a guy's pickup attempt is going to already put him behind the 8-ball. Youre disrupting their routine, and we as people are creatures of habbit. You also have to realize that any good looking woman probably gets hit on a lot, and it gets to the point where it just gets old. So again, I know how you feel...I get the same sort of responses all the time. Even when I just casually smile at women passing me on the street, they usually give me a dirty look or simply look away and pretend that they dont see me. Obviously, though, these women arent in the same frame of mind at the same time as me. So you suspect the concept of them being flattered is just a legend then? Agree with what you guys are saying - just enjoy the moment' date=' if they're not there, move on.[/quote'] I wish I could. The moments aren't enjoyable.
alphamale Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 Are there specific forms of approaches or methods of asking someone out that would cause the types of reactions the legends indicated there are certain "settings" in which people expect to be asked out...parties, bars, singles events, wine tastings, dinner at someones house, weddings, etc... being in one of those settings helps although i don't recommend the bar scene
lino Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 What are examples of such 'legends' ? From what I've experienced/seen, if a girl is really into a guy then any approach he takes will be flattering and he can virtually do no wrong. If she's repulsed by him then he's got no chance of doing anything right
thewingwoman Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 I've always considered the most important part of an approach to be when and where, not how or even who. If you're approached at an inconvenient time (when you're in a hurry, are doing something that requires your attention, etc), it doesn't matter if the most charming guy in the world comes up, he'll likely get dismissed as it is an annoyance. So just judge her behavior to be sure to get your timing right before making the approach.
allina Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 While I dislike being hit on, especially now that I'm in a committed relationship there are still times when a guy hits on me in a really cute way, or is super hot which can make me smile. For example, a while back I was on the train coming home from work. The train was crowded and I was standing my the door. We reached a stop and a guy with a bike was getting off the train, I was blocking his way. I was sort of fumbling around trying to get out of his way when he gave me a gorgeous smile and said "Oh, looks like you're going to have to come with me." When he was leaving the train he said "Are you sure I can't take you with me?" I thought it was cute because he was really fun, casual and not creepy, it helped that he was a hottie too However, usually when guys hit on me on the train it's really awkward. It's not that their approach is terrible but it crates an awkward situation for me. A guy will start talking to me and he'll be like "Oh you work in the city, it's a nice Wednesday, what do you do?" It's awkward because I'm not going to be rude to a guy if he's polite, so I'm stuck on the train and have to answer these questions while trying to stop him before he asks me for my number.
xpaperxcutx Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 I get called cute a lot, although I'm not exactly sure what warranted it. The first few times people called me thus I was very flattered, but after a while it become too annoying and it made me felt like I had to grow out of being in the " cute" phase. Compliments are great if they're original. I was actually smitten with someone who told me I was astonishing, which really made my day.
Surfer Dude Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 I've heard many tales and legends about how being approached or asked out "brightens someone's day" or "makes them feel flattered". My experiences so far indicate that that is at near total variance from reality. Most people in the areas I've lived in seem to consider approaches as being annoyances, suspicious, or as something to be ignored. Are there specific forms of approaches or methods of asking someone out that would cause the types of reactions the legends indicated (I'm not asking about whether or not the invitation is accepted or about whether the person turns out to be single or not)? Like Allina said, some guys are just too damn boring, creepy and act like pests around women. If you want to do cold approaches in public work, you need to disarm them quickly and let them know you're not a threat, a maniac, rapist or whatever predator. Something charming and funny works nicely. It's also important to engage them in a conversation and give them something emotionally and mentally stimulating to talk about, while keeping your humor and charm. Have some exciting stories to tell etc, ask open ended questions, don't bore them with "where do you work" etc. Example: YOU: hey, that's an interesting shirt there, my cousin has just one like it. Where did you buy it? HER: at xyz place YOU: Really? What's so special about there? I can think of at least 10 other places blabla... HER: Well, the thing is, I like there bla bla... YOU: That reminds me of a time when my friend who... (continue some funny bull**** story) ................... YOU: I think it's so difficult to meet interesting people these days, with whom it's possible to share a connection of understanding... I get the feeling that people don't understand you, despite the fact you're an interesting person.I'd like to get to know you better. How about a coffee right now? Just engage them into a convo, throw in some cool stories, don't supplicate, smile big etc. And if you smile and say "hi" to a woman and she completely blows you off in a rude manner or ignores you, don't feel bad, it's not your fault that some bitch has a really bad attitude. She had blown herself out and weeded herself out from your pool of potential dating partners. This sh*t actually works, because you don't have to waste your time online or in social circles trying to meet someone, because majority of beautiful women you'll see are in streets and public transport. I've seen many guys getting tons of lays from these approaches. Just have your game straight and be cool regardless of the outcome.
Author Lights Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 Hi all, and thanks for the responses. Basically the reason I had posted this up was because I often hear in dating-related apparent motivational talk and in a good chunk of "dating advice" that people supposedly would be flattered. It got depressing when I thought about it more and realized that the last time I could remember anyone actually indicating appreciating an approach was several years ago (no dating came out of it, but they were apparently new in that area and one of the two mentioned she was glad that I was outgoing enough to meet them). Of course, it need not be specific verbal mention as in that example, but I was wondering if there was any truth to that at all or if it was all just motivational b.s.. In my experiences, I haven't seen any location-specific change in the matter, so I wasn't so much looking for stuff about specific types of places; it seems the same behavior (viewing approaches as an irritant) has been pretty universal. What are examples of such 'legends' ? From what I've experienced/seen, if a girl is really into a guy then any approach he takes will be flattering and he can virtually do no wrong. If she's repulsed by him then he's got no chance of doing anything right It's usually something I hear about in stuff that I now consider empty motivational talk. It's down there alongside utter crap like "The worst they can do is say no". That's kind of scary actually. I really hope I'm not repulsive. I've always considered the most important part of an approach to be when and where, not how or even who. If you're approached at an inconvenient time (when you're in a hurry, are doing something that requires your attention, etc), it doesn't matter if the most charming guy in the world comes up, he'll likely get dismissed as it is an annoyance. So just judge her behavior to be sure to get your timing right before making the approach. I can believe this, but what I'm running up against seems not to be based on time. (I see the exact same behaviors in places and times when people aren't in a hurry or aren't doing things that require such focus.) However, usually when guys hit on me on the train it's really awkward. It's not that their approach is terrible but it crates an awkward situation for me. A guy will start talking to me and he'll be like "Oh you work in the city, it's a nice Wednesday, what do you do?" It's awkward because I'm not going to be rude to a guy if he's polite, so I'm stuck on the train and have to answer these questions while trying to stop him before he asks me for my number. If someone saw you on the train and you happened to have been single, would it be more preferable if he asked you for your number outright instead of leaving you stuck awkwardly answering questions? My main purpose for asking this question is to get an idea of what makes a given approach "fun, casual, and not creepy" as opposed to "awkward". Compliments are great if they're original. I was actually smitten with someone who told me I was astonishing, which really made my day. Thanks for the tip. Like Allina said, some guys are just too damn boring, creepy and act like pests around women. If you want to do cold approaches in public work, you need to disarm them quickly and let them know you're not a threat, a maniac, rapist or whatever predator. What sorts of behavior would be considered boring, creepy, or pest-like? What disarms them? You bring up a good point; I too have no way of knowing if the women in a given location are not threats, maniacs, or predators. What sorts of measures would be appropriate? This sh*t actually works, because you don't have to waste your time online or in social circles trying to meet someone, because majority of beautiful women you'll see are in streets and public transport. I've seen many guys getting tons of lays from these approaches. Just have your game straight and be cool regardless of the outcome. What does "have your game straight" mean?
Ruby Slippers Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Two different men asked me out at the grocery store yesterday, 10 minutes apart. Spring is in the air! Their advances were the perfect demonstration of what is flattering and what is not. The first was a perfect gentleman. He gave me a couple of subtle and non-creepy compliments and emphasized that he would like to get to know me better over dinner. The second was too sexually flirtatious (commented on my "fine body"), so I immediately categorized him as someone just after some booty.
refurb Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 I can't tell you how many times I"ve made eye contact and even smiled only to be completely ignored. Women make eye contact with me all the time and occasionally they smile as well. I don't take any of it as signs of interest. Now if a girl strikes up a conversation with me, I might wonder if she's interested. RF
Isolde Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Interesting perspective, refurb. I've been counting on eye contact/smiling to get a guy to start talking, but it hasn't worked ONCE to date.
allina Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 If someone saw you on the train and you happened to have been single, would it be more preferable if he asked you for your number outright instead of leaving you stuck awkwardly answering questions? While generic questions aren't attention grabbers I don't think it's the main thing causing the awkwardness. I feel like the conversation is awkward because I don't know what to do. It's pretty clear when someone is hitting on you but I feel awkward being like "no I have a bf!" This guys are usually polite, professionals and from what you could consider my dating demographic so I'm not going to be rude. At the same time I don't want to be too nice and make them feel like I'm giving them a green light. So I'm left not knowing what to do. If a really nice guy asks me out or for my number I usually say that I'm flattered but that I'm in a relationship. Yes, if i was single it would be less awkward because I wouldn't be stuck between trying to be polite while showing that I'm not interested. Even when I'm single I prefer to not get hit on in a very public place like the line at the grocery store or the train because it's awkward having all these strangers listening to you getting hit on.
johan Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 My favorite approach is a precision approach. You have to be equipped for that though. They won't clear you otherwise.
Author Lights Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 Two different men asked me out at the grocery store yesterday, 10 minutes apart. Spring is in the air! Their advances were the perfect demonstration of what is flattering and what is not. The first was a perfect gentleman. He gave me a couple of subtle and non-creepy compliments and emphasized that he would like to get to know me better over dinner. The second was too sexually flirtatious (commented on my "fine body"), so I immediately categorized him as someone just after some booty. Thanks for your explanation. I've seen multiple posters use the word "creepy", but it's not apparent what would fit such a description. While generic questions aren't attention grabbers I don't think it's the main thing causing the awkwardness. I feel like the conversation is awkward because I don't know what to do. It's pretty clear when someone is hitting on you but I feel awkward being like "no I have a bf!" This guys are usually polite, professionals and from what you could consider my dating demographic so I'm not going to be rude. At the same time I don't want to be too nice and make them feel like I'm giving them a green light. So I'm left not knowing what to do. If a really nice guy asks me out or for my number I usually say that I'm flattered but that I'm in a relationship. Yes, if i was single it would be less awkward because I wouldn't be stuck between trying to be polite while showing that I'm not interested. Even when I'm single I prefer to not get hit on in a very public place like the line at the grocery store or the train because it's awkward having all these strangers listening to you getting hit on. Thanks for your explanation here. In situations where you were single, what sorts of approaches (when not 'stuck' somewhere like on a train) would you have appreciated most? My favorite approach is a precision approach. You have to be equipped for that though. They won't clear you otherwise. What is a precision approach? I don't understand the rest of what you wrote, unfortunately.
Ruby Slippers Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 I've seen multiple posters use the word "creepy", but it's not apparent what would fit such a description. Well, in the case I described, "creepy" was a bit of an exaggeration. It would be more accurate to say "oversexualized". Whereas Guy #1 looked into my eyes and emphasized getting to know me on more than just a physical level, Guy #2 overtly checked out my bod and made his approach almost entirely about the physical. I just accepted a date with Guy #1 for later this week -- my FIRST date since I broke up with the ex.
Author Lights Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 Well, in the case I described, "creepy" was a bit of an exaggeration. It would be more accurate to say "oversexualized". Whereas Guy #1 looked into my eyes and emphasized getting to know me on more than just a physical level, Guy #2 overtly checked out my bod and made his approach almost entirely about the physical. I just accepted a date with Guy #1 for later this week -- my FIRST date since I broke up with the ex. Thanks for the explanation. Have fun. I'd also like to hear from the other posters (Allina, Surfer Dude, etc.) about what "creepy" is.
refurb Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Interesting perspective, refurb. I've been counting on eye contact/smiling to get a guy to start talking, but it hasn't worked ONCE to date. To give you an idea of what I'm talking about, I started talking to a girl at work a couple years back. Whenever she came into work she'd go out of her way to say good morning (from across the hall), if I was talking to someone and she walked by she would flash a huge smile in my direction. So I asked her out to lunch, she said yes, then no and things got really awkward. Obviously I misinterpreted her friendliness. If a girl goes out of her way to talk to me, I'll take that as a positive sign and reciprocate. However, I'm pretty clueless about these things. On a couple occasions I've had random girls ask me a question that seemed kinda of odd to me and when I bring it up to friends later they ask me how I could miss the fact she was hitting on me. So if you're at a book store, try and ask a simple question that naturally leads to more conversation. Something like "Find anything interesting yet?" and be prepared to respond if they give you a simple yes/no answer. Some of us guys are kinda clueless and take a few minutes to figure out what's going on. The other thing is, if you're a particularly attractive girl it's going to take more for a guy to respond to your subtle cues. If a guy things you're out of his league, he'll just convince himself he's seeing things. RF
Surfer Dude Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 Ok, I haven't read this thread lately. Lights, you need to screen chicks based on their behavior and responses. When you talk to women in public, even if you are super friendly, fun, engage them into a non-threatening conversation etc, you'll still meet some cold, unreceptive, anti-social women with high bitch shields who act like ice queens. Don't bother. Such women are usually crap in bed anyways. Eject and go meet others. Nothing quite brightens my day like a fun and cool girl who knows how to talk to strangers and is willing to get to know me better. Also, never get discouraged based on a few bad reactions. I've known guys who do dozens of approaches daily (one even did 100 in one night) and still get only a few lays from all that. If you talk to random chicks wherever you go, you'll mostly get blown out more than you'll have success but who cares. There's no such thing as failure, there's only learning experience and you get to hone your social skills for free And nobody gets hurt by talking to strangers anyways, only positive and good results can stem from that. Example: YOU: that's a very cool [some object] you got there. Where did you buy it? HER: *snaps out of her internal monologue* ohh, in a [some place] YOU: it looks very good on you, you look charming HER: oh thank you. YOU: that reminds me of a situation a few years ago....... And from there transition into a story that will engage her in emotional way, build up rapport between you and raise her comfort levels. Easy huh? Practice makes perfect. Cold approaches are probably the most useful skill any man could have. How could a positive and fun guy ruin anyone's day?
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