Reggie Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 AsI said, I think you can work this out and you did a nice job in telling your H. But, what is up with your impression of his intellect? Do you feel you are smarter than him? Perhaps you are, but just bringing up the inability to connect intellectually and the other guy's ability to do so makes me wonder how much you value your H. Does he know you feel he does not measure up intellectually? Or, is this not how you feel?
pparrott Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 I admit it...I'm not when it comes to cheating. Cheating isn't a mistake. People do it because they want to do it. Call it a piss poor decision...but a mistake? No. Sure...but she will never change her desires...and her desires were made known when she cheated. Was, until a comment from her turned me off. I am happily single. So you're single.....I'm curious what comment could turn you bitter? I would venture a guess, there wasn't that much love to lose if all it took was a comment. In Have To Wonder's case....I still believe it was pretty innocent. NOT an affair by any stretch of the imagination. -- It was kissing!
pparrott Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 I understand exactly what you're saying & while I will admit that some of your posts have really riled me up, I actually agree 100% with what you said in response to it being in any way, shape or form innocent. It was anything but. Ok maybe "INNOCENT" is the wrong word. I just don't see it as such a huge deal. I have an image in my head of the scenario.....You tipsy (or drunk) Him, tipsy (or drunk) he leans in & kisses you & before you even realize what's happenING....It HAS happened...& it's over. No other talk of anything further than that one incident. Not trying to justify - but I see a big difference in a KISS as opposed to, for instance, an extended period of time affair with no regards to anyone but yourself.
Athena Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 When I first posted, yes I did indeed state that I couldn't get the "fondness," as you refer to it, out of my head. I'll tell you this, though, 'fond' is not at all the adjective that comes to mind after all the pain I've caused. I don't believe it's my desires that need to change - it's where they're aimed & that should/will be solely at my H. Hey HavetoWonder, I was just wondering, after reading the above, and especially the part where you say AFTER all the pain you've caused -- do you now believe (after having Told) that a) It was the correct thing to do in retrospect, and why? b) That having told was the very thing that has made you see the pain you have caused by your actions, and that itself will act as a deterrent to any kind of 'crossing the line' behavior in the future? Because I am thinking if you hadn't told H, then that 'fondness' you felt for the other guy would not have been displaced by the understanding of hurt you saw your H go through. Other people in your situation, reading your thread, might benefit from your thoughts on this point.
Author Have to Wonder Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 Hey HavetoWonder, I was just wondering, after reading the above, and especially the part where you say AFTER all the pain you've caused -- do you now believe (after having Told) that a) It was the correct thing to do in retrospect, and why? b) That having told was the very thing that has made you see the pain you have caused by your actions, and that itself will act as a deterrent to any kind of 'crossing the line' behavior in the future? Because I am thinking if you hadn't told H, then that 'fondness' you felt for the other guy would not have been displaced by the understanding of hurt you saw your H go through. Other people in your situation, reading your thread, might benefit from your thoughts on this point. Yes, I do think it was absolutely not only the correct thing to do, but the ONLY thing to do. I don't believe that that in & of itself will act as a deterrent - I think that's a conscious decision, followed by actions/deeds, which must be made by the WS (me). I would like to believe that the guilt/remorse I felt would have displaced the misplaced feelings of fondness for the OM regardless of whether I'd told my H, but that's something that my counselor & I are going to be working on, because I can't honestly answer that question with any true conviction, as I DID tell him and it DID hurt him. Have scheduled IC sessions well into the summer & am working very hard to find out the answers.
jwi71 Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Ok maybe "INNOCENT" is the wrong word. I just don't see it as such a huge deal. I have an image in my head of the scenario.....You tipsy (or drunk) Him, tipsy (or drunk) he leans in & kisses you & before you even realize what's happenING....It HAS happened...& it's over. No other talk of anything further than that one incident. Not trying to justify - but I see a big difference in a KISS as opposed to, for instance, an extended period of time affair with no regards to anyone but yourself. It was more than kiss parrott...please re-read.
jwi71 Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Yes, I do think it was absolutely not only the correct thing to do, but the ONLY thing to do. I don't believe that that in & of itself will act as a deterrent - I think that's a conscious decision, followed by actions/deeds, which must be made by the WS (me). I would like to believe that the guilt/remorse I felt would have displaced the misplaced feelings of fondness for the OM regardless of whether I'd told my H, but that's something that my counselor & I are going to be working on, because I can't honestly answer that question with any true conviction, as I DID tell him and it DID hurt him. Have scheduled IC sessions well into the summer & am working very hard to find out the answers. This is so very refreshing. I'd ask you to go back and read your first few posts...have a look. Homework...who was that person? And who is THIS person? What's changed? Have you managed to cajole your H into 5 MC sessions...
pparrott Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 It started to get cold out & we went up to my suite. We kissed & I allowed him to touch me intimately (both of us agreeing that this would go nowhere else - not that night & not in the future). Ok....a little more than just a kiss.
Author Have to Wonder Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 AsI said, I think you can work this out and you did a nice job in telling your H. But, what is up with your impression of his intellect? Do you feel you are smarter than him? Perhaps you are, but just bringing up the inability to connect intellectually and the other guy's ability to do so makes me wonder how much you value your H. Does he know you feel he does not measure up intellectually? Or, is this not how you feel? I feel that we have very different types of intelligence...while I tend to be what's referred to as "well-read/book-smart," he is much more of the DOING type of intelligence (can fix, assemble, etc. absolutely anything)...so I do value my H & I respect the fact that in those particular areas (his areas of strength), I have NO intelligence whatsoever. It's not a matter of "measuring up," so much as it's a matter of conversing with someone with the same TYPE of intelligence - not better, just different.
Author Have to Wonder Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 This is so very refreshing. I'd ask you to go back and read your first few posts...have a look. Homework...who was that person? And who is THIS person? What's changed? Have you managed to cajole your H into 5 MC sessions... Trust me, I've read everything I wrote...would you rather I'd ignored the good advice I've gotten here & not moved beyond my first few posts?? What's changed, JWI is that I regret what I did, have confessed all to H, and am trying to move toward being the person I should've been all along...again, would you like to deconstruct that so I'm still a bad guy, no matter what steps I take to right this horrendous wrong? He still insists he doesn't wish to attend MC at this point. I'm not really willing to push him into anything - HE needs to be in control right now, not ME.
jwi71 Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Trust me, I've read everything I wrote...would you rather I'd ignored the good advice I've gotten here & not moved beyond my first few posts?? What's changed, JWI is that I regret what I did, have confessed all to H, and am trying to move toward being the person I should've been all along...again, would you like to deconstruct that so I'm still a bad guy, no matter what steps I take to right this horrendous wrong? Where on earth did that come from? I'm NOT painting you as the "bad guy" how did you jump to that conclusion? All I asked you to do was re-read your posts and compare your mindset then as to now. If you think THAT is attacking, I highly recommend you quit IC and run from ALL internet forums. He still insists he doesn't wish to attend MC at this point. I'm not really willing to push him into anything - HE needs to be in control right now, not ME. I would caution you...oh forget it... Drop the attitude.
Author Have to Wonder Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 Where on earth did that come from? I'm NOT painting you as the "bad guy" how did you jump to that conclusion? All I asked you to do was re-read your posts and compare your mindset then as to now. If you think THAT is attacking, I highly recommend you quit IC and run from ALL internet forums. I would caution you...oh forget it... Drop the attitude. I do apologize, then - the way I read it was that you were painting me as the "bad guy" and you're right...my attitude is out of line. Again, my apologies.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 So you're single.....I'm curious what comment could turn you bitter? No bitterness came out of my last relationship. The "bitterness" as you would have it comes about from listening to cheaters' excuses. I would venture a guess, there wasn't that much love to lose if all it took was a comment. The comment was, at a party, a few of her girlfriends mentioned one of her X's, and he was a known bad boy...she said something on the lines of..."[bad boys] were fun in their day, but I have a good stable man now"....to which my reply was "what?"....and all her girlfriends knew she screwed up with that comment, you could see it in their faces. Basically she made it look like I was being settled for because bad boys aren't dependable. But really, that comment didn't do it, it just kind of set things in motion that led me to believe that she wasn't for me. I didn't want someone that likes bad boys, but settled for me out of stability. In Have To Wonder's case....I still believe it was pretty innocent. then I guess a married woman is entitled to let a man feel her up and she is entitled to make out with him behind her husband's back...after all....its innocent......right? NOT an affair by any stretch of the imagination. -- It was kissing! so if your SO makes out with women, you are going to brush it off...eh?
Dexter Morgan Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Ok maybe "INNOCENT" is the wrong word. I just don't see it as such a huge deal. Of course you don't. You are seeing it from a woman's perspective. I guarantee you if your man did the same thing and let a woman jack him off....you'd be singing a different tune. Even though kissing is bad enough and unacceptable as a married woman...the guy felt her out. I have an image in my head of the scenario.....You tipsy (or drunk) Him, tipsy (or drunk) he leans in & kisses you & before you even realize what's happenING....It HAS happened...& it's over. No other talk of anything further than that one incident. You obviously didn't read all of her post. Not trying to justify by saying it was innocent...yes....you are.
Author Have to Wonder Posted April 24, 2009 Author Posted April 24, 2009 Of course you don't. You are seeing it from a woman's perspective. I guarantee you if your man did the same thing and let a woman jack him off....you'd be singing a different tune. Even though kissing is bad enough and unacceptable as a married woman...the guy felt her out. You obviously didn't read all of her post. by saying it was innocent...yes....you are. You all want to hear something truly scary to me??? I actually agree with Dexter's post!!! There IS no justification for doing what I did & it was NOT innocent in any way. Dang, Dexter...you frighten me when we agree on something!
Dexter Morgan Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 You all want to hear something truly scary to me??? I actually agree with Dexter's post!!! Its not scary. It just shows that you know common sense when you see it;)
Author Have to Wonder Posted April 24, 2009 Author Posted April 24, 2009 Its not scary. It just shows that you know common sense when you see it;) Seems I know TRUTH when I hear it!
Author Have to Wonder Posted April 27, 2009 Author Posted April 27, 2009 H & I attended a marital weekend retreat this past weekend...what an eye-opener for me! The leaders broke us up into groups & that's when the real communication began. I was not the only WS & he wasn't (by far) the only BS there. I feel like, combined with the IC, this workshop was a great "shot in the arm" for us both & he agrees. Just thought I'd update everyone on this journey toward rebuilding.
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