Ok, need some guidance

[Have to Wonder]

 

You alluded upon on a need to feel sexy, desired, and thrilled within your post(s) and I'm wondering if you secretly resent your husband for not being smart enough to know how you feel when you feel it. Also, you may even, at a subconcious level, resent the fact that he is slowing down and holding you back from experiencing your true fulfillment as a woman at this time of your life so that may be another issue you might want to get your mind around!

 

I wholly agree that IC should thoroughly be explored by you for, if your husband has never shown any distastefull sides to his personality that you've ever seen before, then the issues going forward toward recovery lie strictly within you!

 

GL!

 

I appreciate your insight...and will definitely explore all of these issues within the IC sessions. Part of my problem (as I see it before the benefit of IC) is that he DOES make me feel sexy, desired, thrilled...the HUGE deficiency/immorality (or whatever you want to call it) within me is that I wanted to feel that way to someone who didn't know me. Does that make sense? H actually has helped me explore my own sexuality and recognize the existence of it. So, one of my first questions for myself and/or my therapist (to guide me to finding the answers) is: if my realization of being "sexy" was brought about by being with my H, why did I feel the need to have that "validated" in a wholly inappropriate, harmful, immoral way?

 

I agree that recovery is up to me, just as what we're both trying to recover FROM was my choice. Trying to do my best here to bring about healing for him, understanding of myself and my choices and in the end, save my marriage.

[Darth Vader]

Have to Wonder, you have done well in revealing all to hubby. Just remember that hubby may seem possessive at times after this revelation, understandably so given the circumstances. You did come awfully close to the point of no return, I'm sure that you'll always remember that. Also remember that you must go completely NC with the OM forever! Good for you in going to IC, I hope everything turns outs well. If your hubby wishes to do MC later, then of course go. Hmmm, he does sound very understanding, a lot more than many............

[mark982]

have to wonder, i've been in your husbands shoes,so i can offer this, at times he may drive you crazy with all the questions. he'll probable ask the same question 50 times to see if he can trip you up. he's going to go from loving you,like you've never been loved,to hating you in the span of seconds. it's going to be one hell of a bumpy ride.you destroyed his pride,and trust.those are the utmost important to a man.but i'm curious what's going to become of next out of town meeting? apartently,his sweet talking,and the drinking is what started all this.what's you're plan of attack then?

[fooled once]

One thing I have learned from the world of internet message boards is "take what you need and leave the rest".

 

Some people are just unhappy miserable people and aren't content unless everyone else is.

 

I am glad you did what you needed to do for yourself and your marriage. Only YOU and your DH are the ones IN your marriage and know each other. YOU know him and HE knows you.

 

Don't worry about others views of your discussion.

 

Some people don't stray. That's great. Too bad more people can't respect vows taken and if they DO decide they don't want to be with their spouse, they wait until they end the first relationship before exploring other things.

 

Some people have a 1 time incident and learn why they do it and grow and move forward. They regret it, they look within to find out why they did it and they honestly want to "do the right thing" and realize that a great marriage is worth fighting for.

 

Some people stay in a marriage where their spouse cheats time and time again. All they are doing is teaching their cheating spouse that it is okay to do it because it is accepted and will be forgiven. I actually feel sorry for those BS's -- maybe pity is the better word since obviously they dont' respect themselves enough to stop allowing it.

 

Some people are the cheaters and just don't care about who they hurt.

 

It is obvious from your posts that you DO care that your husband was hurt and you admitted your affair and you two are working towards rebuilding your marriage. Most don't admit it.

 

Good luck to you!

[desertmoon]

I do feel as if an enormous weight has been lifted off me...not JUST for being honest with him, but because his forgiveness is so important to me, and I want him to know that his mental/emotional well-being are even more important. I guess one advantage to having married someone who was a really good friend first (before we got romantically involved) is that we ARE a team & always have been. A part of me just took a wrong turn & now ALL of me is going to work on making things right in our marriage again.

 

Have to Wonder,

 

I wouldn't like to sound too harsh but I have to admit that I find this part of your post... simply ludicrous. I guess these are the right things to say in your situation... but are they really true?

 

You are right when you say "I do feel as if an enormous weight has been lifted off me"... because on emotional level your husband is carring it right now.

 

...because his forgiveness is so important to me, and I want him to know that his mental/emotional well-being are even more important... since you already had your cake you can focus on his well being now.

 

We ARE a team & always have been... is it really so? Were you also a team when you were giving the OM a tongue bath? A part of me just took a wrong turn... how beautifilly said.

 

Don't get me wrong. I am not trying to implay that you shouldn't have confessed but... the reality of affairs and infidelity is that BS pays emotional price of them. WS gets the cake... just like you did... and moves on. Of course, this "moving on" usually involve some "remorse theatrics"... just like you do now... but the reality is that WS just wants to move on and put the past behind... the rest is just theatrics.

 

One thing I don't understand is why BS is always so high on this "remorse thing" from WS. It is not logical. It is almost like forcing WS into telling more lies. I understand emotional aspect of this... but still it is not logical to expect BS to be regretful about something she/he enjoyed. She/he maight be sorry about how it affects BS but is not going to be truly regretful about something she/he enjoyed.

 

But... I have never been cheated on so perhaps that's why I don't understand it. I have seen tones and tones of infidelity at the close range in my life but so far I have never been on receiving end of it... at least I am not aware of it.

 

Seriously... deep down... do you really regret your fling with OM, Have to Wonder? Somehow I doubt that.

 

BUT... good luck to you.

 

LOL!!!! Jesus H. Christ! OP goes and does what most BSs advised her to do and told the truth to her husband....DISCLOSE! DISCLOSE! DISCLOSE!--which she did and came back to report and thank you guys, then you tell her, well now your husband is carrying the burden of having the knowledge of what you did....so what then, did she do the right thing in disclosing or not?

 

It seems to me that you are very disappointed that her husband seems to have forgiven her. Live and let live, troubador!

 

Good luck to her? LOL...somehow I think you do not mean that.

[pelicanpreacher]

I appreciate your insight...and will definitely explore all of these issues within the IC sessions. Part of my problem (as I see it before the benefit of IC) is that he DOES make me feel sexy, desired, thrilled...the HUGE deficiency/immorality (or whatever you want to call it) within me is that I wanted to feel that way to someone who didn't know me. Does that make sense? H actually has helped me explore my own sexuality and recognize the existence of it. So, one of my first questions for myself and/or my therapist (to guide me to finding the answers) is: if my realization of being "sexy" was brought about by being with my H, why did I feel the need to have that "validated" in a wholly inappropriate, harmful, immoral way?

 

I agree that recovery is up to me, just as what we're both trying to recover FROM was my choice. Trying to do my best here to bring about healing for him, understanding of myself and my choices and in the end, save my marriage.

 

Actually it does for even though you've tried to live your life in a steady and stalwart manner throughout your marriage it's my bet that you were a bit wilder when you let your hair down during your youth. It's not uncommon to want to recapture moments of wanton vanity experienced in days long gone from time to time and, even though you don't normally act upon these impulses in your day to day life now, as we age insecurity can grow and mount in our sense of general desirabilty as our youth loses its bloom. Even before this incident you still dressed to impress in the espousement of gaining an edge in business while secretly seeking the visceral thrill of turning unknown admiring eyes in your wake, right? The problem that arises, however, is when we couple that mindset with dissent and dissatisfactions of our SO's to entitle ourselves to the priviledge of crossing the line of infidelity. Ultimately, you will have to learn to accept the invevitable fact that your spouse's IQ isn't about to make a quantum leap any time soon, he's getting older and will continue to slow down and decline in physical attributes over time, and that grass is grass and will change from green to brown and back again at the turn of the seasons regardless of where you stand or who you're standing with.

[Have to Wonder]

LOL!!!! Jesus H. Christ! OP goes and does what most BSs advised her to do and told the truth to her husband....DISCLOSE! DISCLOSE! DISCLOSE!--which she did and came back to report and thank you guys, then you tell her, well now your husband is carrying the burden of having the knowledge of what you did....so what then, did she do the right thing in disclosing or not?

 

It seems to me that you are very disappointed that her husband seems to have forgiven her. Live and let live, troubador!

 

Good luck to her? LOL...somehow I think you do not mean that.

 

Thanks, Desertmoon - that was exactly my read on troubador's post as well. I got the distinct feeling that the only result of my confession that would made that particular person (Troubador) happy would've been for me to be out on my keister, so to speak. I appreciate the fact that someone else seemed to read that post the same way I did - judgment without mercy, scorn without understanding, mean-spriritedness without a helpful note to be found.

[Have to Wonder]

Actually it does for even though you've tried to live your life in a steady and stalwart manner throughout your marriage it's my bet that you were a bit wilder when you let your hair down during your youth. It's not uncommon to want to recapture moments of wanton vanity experienced in days long gone from time to time and, even though you don't normally act upon these impulses in your day to day life now, as we age insecurity can grow and mount in our sense of general desirabilty as our youth loses its bloom. Even before this incident you still dressed to impress in the espousement of gaining an edge in business while secretly seeking the visceral thrill of turning unknown admiring eyes in your wake, right? The problem that arises, however, is when we couple that mindset with dissent and dissatisfactions of our SO's to entitle ourselves to the priviledge of crossing the line of infidelity. Ultimately, you will have to learn to accept the invevitable fact that your spouse's IQ isn't about to make a quantum leap any time soon, he's getting older and will continue to slow down and decline in physical attributes over time, and that grass is grass and will change from green to brown and back again at the turn of the seasons regardless of where you stand or who you're standing with.

 

In reponse to the above where I've put into bold your words, yes, I definitely was a bit wilder in my youth - when I had no husband & no child in the picture. No, I have not conducted myself that way in WELL over a decade, as I felt I'd "sown my oats" so to speak & grown up.

 

Not sure what you mean by 'dressed to impress' - if you mean it in the literal sense, you'd actually see me laugh! I dress like a middle-aged mom with a responsible position at work. I am, again speaking literally, probably the most modestly dressed person in just about any given situation. If you didn't mean it in a literal sense, then I guess by 'dressing to impress' my definition would be that I've wanted to be admired MUCH more for my abilities/intellect/know-how than my physical appearance, which of course, makes what I did even more baffling to me...yet another thing to explore in IC.

[Have to Wonder]

but i'm curious what's going to become of next out of town meeting? apartently,his sweet talking,and the drinking is what started all this.what's you're plan of attack then?

 

Believe me, Mark, I've thought about that. When I don't drink, I've never been remotely tempted to do ANYTHING intimate with anyone else. I'm not blaming solely the alcohol, but this is why I so rarely drink...the whole lack of inhibition thing. Next out of town meeting, I stick to Diet Cokes and control of my faculties. Additionally, I won't allow myself to put myself in a one-on-one situation that could be even CONSTRUED as dangerous to my marriage. Luckily, too, I don't do much out of town travel, so I will have lots of time to work in IC on other mechanisms to assure there's never a repeat of this type of situation.

[Athena]

Next time you are out of town, your H is going to be in pain.

So you will need to phone him at regular intervals and let him know when you are in your hotel room at night ready to go to sleep.

It would help him if you tell him details about the event/function and your thoughts about the people there, whatever they are, he will feel you trust your intimate/private thoughts with him and he is 'there' with you in spirit.

[Have to Wonder]

Next time you are out of town, your H is going to be in pain.

So you will need to phone him at regular intervals and let him know when you are in your hotel room at night ready to go to sleep.

It would help him if you tell him details about the event/function and your thoughts about the people there, whatever they are, he will feel you trust your intimate/private thoughts with him and he is 'there' with you in spirit.

 

Thank you, Athena - that's terrific advice. I appreciate it!

[pelicanpreacher]

In reponse to the above where I've put into bold your words, yes, I definitely was a bit wilder in my youth - when I had no husband & no child in the picture. No, I have not conducted myself that way in WELL over a decade, as I felt I'd "sown my oats" so to speak & grown up.

 

Not sure what you mean by 'dressed to impress' - if you mean it in the literal sense, you'd actually see me laugh! I dress like a middle-aged mom with a responsible position at work. I am, again speaking literally, probably the most modestly dressed person in just about any given situation. If you didn't mean it in a literal sense, then I guess by 'dressing to impress' my definition would be that I've wanted to be admired MUCH more for my abilities/intellect/know-how than my physical appearance, which of course, makes what I did even more baffling to me...yet another thing to explore in IC.

 

Ahh, so you present the flip side of the coin by repressing your physical attributes to shine on the merits of your ablility. Admirable, for the workplace is for work and should be minimally construed as an extension of anyone's social network.

 

Do you and your husband get a chance to socialize much or routinely go out dining and dancing so that you have an opportunity to dress up more sexily from time to time? Only you know how deep seeded your urge to be seen desirable is but, if all you need to achieve is the vicarious thrill of random appreciation to placate these feelings, then stepping out dressed to the nines in the company of your husband from time to time may be the release you need to quell these thoughts before they ramp in pressure to dangerous levels again in the future.

[pelicanpreacher]

Oh, and Athena's advice is not only great but an absolute imperative!

[Have to Wonder]

Do you and your husband get a chance to socialize much or routinely go out dining and dancing so that you have an opportunity to dress up more sexily from time to time? Only you know how deep seeded your urge to be seen desirable is but, if all you need to achieve is the vicarious thrill of random appreciation to placate these feelings, then stepping out dressed to the nines in the company of your husband from time to time may be the release you need to quell these thoughts before they ramp in pressure to dangerous levels again in the future.

 

No, we don't socialize or go out often. We play softball on the same team and have lunch together daily (he picks me up at the office & we go to lunch). You just may be on to something, however; maybe getting dressed up to be intentionally 'sexy' and going out dancing or something would be a good idea. As I said, I don't do the tight shirt/short skirt (or whatever any particular person's version of sexy dressing might be) thing. I don't do the low-cut tops or any of the other type of dressing to bring attention to myself...more information that you'll want to hear, but when I was growing up, I was incredibly overweight & it has taken me many, many years to get to my present size (less than half of I once weighed), BUT having grown up trying so desperately NOT to bring attention to my body, I still dress that way (to intentionally not bring attention to my body). So...back to your original thought, maybe going out with H with the intention of looking, in today's vernacular, hot, might do the trick in the attention it would bring. I'll certainly discuss it with him & see what he thinks.

[Have to Wonder]

Hi all,

 

I just wanted to follow up & let you know that I have my first IC session scheduled today. I also have an enormously long list of things I want to make sure I address with the counselor, again due in large part to all the advice I've been given on this board.

 

I wanted to thank everyone again & say to those "lurkers" out there who may find themselves in my situation, LISTEN to what's said on here. Then, take action - don't let your actions' consequences fester, don't let them control you, for if you really, really want to try to make your marriage work after straying, it will take LOTS of hard work to get there. I'm embarking on that hard work trip today...

[Dexter Morgan]

The evenings were pretty much all about the drinking & whooping it up, which I did with gusto! The issue for me is I met an incredibly fascinating man who conversed with me on my intellectual level (which my husband & I can't really do). It started to get cold out & we went up to my suite. We kissed & I allowed him to touch me intimately (both of us agreeing that this would go nowhere else

 

Ah, so what you did was perfectly acceptable and you kept it within the boundaries that YOU felt comfortable with?

 

Guess what? I don't think your husband would agree.

 

 

not that night & not in the future). A) This IS cheating, right?

 

Yup

 

 

and B) Even though we both agreed it would go no further & it hasn't, I can't seem to forget about that night. HELP!!!

 

Maybe you should tell your husband. Because if you don't, then you WILL repeat the cheating the next time you go out and "whoop" it up. Seems you can't handle being in the company of other men.

 

So tell him and let the fallout hopefully keep you on the straight and narrow from that point on....or don't tell him, and just cheat again.

 

Maybe drinking and partying should be out for you next time you are on a trip. let the others go out and you stay in your hotel room.

[Have to Wonder]

Ah, so what you did was perfectly acceptable and you kept it within the boundaries that YOU felt comfortable with?

 

Guess what? I don't think your husband would agree.

 

 

 

 

Yup

 

 

 

 

Maybe you should tell your husband. Because if you don't, then you WILL repeat the cheating the next time you go out and "whoop" it up. Seems you can't handle being in the company of other men.

 

So tell him and let the fallout hopefully keep you on the straight and narrow from that point on....or don't tell him, and just cheat again.

 

Maybe drinking and partying should be out for you next time you are on a trip. let the others go out and you stay in your hotel room.

 

Hi Dexter,

 

Guess you didn't read earlier posts - I have already told my husband...I have an appointment today for IC...I have already addressed how I would handle any future trips out of town, and obviously, I was NOT comfortable with what I'd done since I a) came on these boards asking for help, and b) have begun the incredibly hard work it will take to rebuild my marriage. Please look back at some of the posts I've responded with - maybe you can see where I sit today.

[Dexter Morgan]

Confessing all to my husband would serve only to relieve some of the guilt/remorse I feel and would destroy him. As this situation is definitely not something I will repeat

 

Bull. Without any real consequences to your actions, you will repeat cheating again if you are on another trip far away from your husband and you "whoop it up" with "gusto!".

 

What you have learned is that on far away business trips, that you can get away with it and with regards to your husband..out of sight...out of mind.

 

You did it once...therefore you can't say you won't do it again...unless when on these trips, you refrain from partying with the rest of the group.

 

 

I truly can't see where telling him I let another man touch me & kiss me would make my marriage any stronger.

 

You say that as if you had no role in it. As if you didn't kiss and touch him back. I think you are in denial here.

 

So here you have a husband that deserves to know the truth, but you won't be telling him. So not only did you betray him, you are going to keep the lie about it going. I can't say that he is a lucky man.

 

 

I haven't deluded myself into thinking there could ever be anything other than that one night with the OM, and my marriage IS important to me. I think I need to figure out why the combination of things (the intellectual stimulation, the being the center of his attention & attraction, the alcohol - I drink maybe once a year at most - and the circumstances made me throw my morals out the window. I guess that would be a start!

 

Uh, no...the circumstances did not make you throw away your morals. Drinking drops inhibitions. It makes people do what they would like to do, they just have the common sense not to do it when sober.

So the circumstances actually brought out your true moral structure.

 

And what good really is figuring out why the combination of things led you to be with this man? Does this mean if you figure it out that you will make sure you are not around attractive and intellectual men again?

 

Figuring out why won't stop it from happening again. Removing yourself from situations where your husband isn't around will.

[Dexter Morgan]

Hi Dexter,

 

Guess you didn't read earlier posts - I have already told my husband

 

ah, just read it. Ok, you did the right thing. Regardless of your husband's reaction and the outcome as a result of telling him, he now has the knowledge to choose how to proceed. You gave him that choice which he deserved.

 

so I have a question regarding what you said in that post:

 

The most startling part of what occurred during our discussion last night, to me anyway, was that he actually did understand why I did it. Don't get me wrong - it certainly wasn't like, "Well, gee, Honey, no harm, no foul," but he did indeed understand.

 

My question is....what was there for him to understand? What did he say about your cheating that he understood?

 

did he say, "sure, I understand you found yourself with an attractive man and couldn't help yourself?"...I mean really...what is there to understand since you already said your marriage was good as well as sex and all other aspects??

[Have to Wonder]

Bull. Without any real consequences to your actions, you will repeat cheating again if you are on another trip far away from your husband and you "whoop it up" with "gusto!".

 

What you have learned is that on far away business trips, that you can get away with it and with regards to your husband..out of sight...out of mind.

 

You did it once...therefore you can't say you won't do it again...unless when on these trips, you refrain from partying with the rest of the group.

 

 

 

 

You say that as if you had no role in it. As if you didn't kiss and touch him back. I think you are in denial here.

 

So here you have a husband that deserves to know the truth, but you won't be telling him. So not only did you betray him, you are going to keep the lie about it going. I can't say that he is a lucky man.

 

 

 

 

Uh, no...the circumstances did not make you throw away your morals. Drinking drops inhibitions. It makes people do what they would like to do, they just have the common sense not to do it when sober.

So the circumstances actually brought out your true moral structure.

 

And what good really is figuring out why the combination of things led you to be with this man? Does this mean if you figure it out that you will make sure you are not around attractive and intellectual men again?

 

Figuring out why won't stop it from happening again. Removing yourself from situations where your husband isn't around will.

 

Again, Dexter, please go back & read earlier posts...you are jumping right on all the things that have already been said...and responded to. I have "Mea culpa"'d to everything you've already said, but I ask that you please go back & read some of the responses I've already sent out. I don't wish to dig my heels in here, but again, you're repeating what a lot of others have already said. At the VERY least, please read the post I left this morning (it's right above your earlier post today) - I'd really like it, though, if you got all the facts/insights/advice, etc., straight before bashing me over the head AGAIN with information that's already been put on here.

[Dexter Morgan]

Again, Dexter, please go back & read earlier posts...you are jumping right on all the things that have already been said...and responded to.

 

I did. So what about the above post with regards to your husband "understanding" why you cheated? What is there to understand?

 

 

I'd really like it, though, if you got all the facts/insights/advice, etc., straight before bashing me over the head AGAIN with information that's already been put on here.

 

Uh, there are alot of people that will reply to the original thread not having the time to read each and every post if they came into it late...so lets not get all high and mighty about having all the "facts straight" here.

 

I read where you said you told him, so now the question is....what was there for him to "understand"? Did he think it was understandable that you couldn't help yourself around another man? what really?

 

And the next time you are away on business, are you going to refrain from partying with the group?

[Have to Wonder]

My question is....what was there for him to understand? What did he say about your cheating that he understood?

 

did he say, "sure, I understand you found yourself with an attractive man and couldn't help yourself?"...I mean really...what is there to understand since you already said your marriage was good as well as sex and all other aspects??

 

As I said in one of my earlier posts, there is a LOT of my history/background that I've not shared on here, nor do I intend to. Suffice it to say, he knows my entire background & though he was NOT happy or nonchalant about it "Sure, I understand you found yourself with an attractive man and couldn't help yourself" (in your words), he does indeed understand why I acted the way I did. Because it's between the two of us (H and I), I don't feel like that particular subject is one I need to defend, to you or anyone else. It was his choice, after my disclosure, to decide what he could/couldn't understand, could/couldn't live with, and how we are to proceed, and that's how we are moving on with this.

[Have to Wonder]

IAnd the next time you are away on business, are you going to refrain from partying with the group?

 

Asked & answered.

[Dexter Morgan]

As I said in one of my earlier posts, there is a LOT of my history/background that I've not shared on here, nor do I intend to.

 

And you don't need to share it. But you did say that you have a happy marriage and sex is good.

 

So again, what was there for him to understand if you are in a happy marriage?

 

 

Suffice it to say, he knows my entire background & though he was NOT happy or nonchalant about it "Sure, I understand you found yourself with an attractive man and couldn't help yourself" (in your words), he does indeed understand why I acted the way I did. Because it's between the two of us (H and I), I don't feel like that particular subject is one I need to defend, to you or anyone else.

 

Then why post it on a public forum?

 

And just why does he need to understand WHY you acted the way you did?

Let say the "why" is because you just wanted to be with an attractive man? Why would it be important for him to "understand" that?

 

 

Again, what is there to understand? What IS IT that he understands?

Why can't you answer that question?

 

Because I am simply real curious what there IS to understand about why you cheated if the marriage was happy as admitted by you.

[Dexter Morgan]

Asked & answered.

 

no, it wasn't answered. The only thing I read that remotely answered it was when you said

 

"I won't allow myself to put myself in a one-on-one situation that could be even CONSTRUED as dangerous to my marriage"

 

If you are without your husband on a business trip and whoop it up with the group and are in social settings where temptation is there, you can't say you won't put yourself in that situation.

 

Which is why I asked if you are going to stay behind when the group goes out to party while on a business trip?