Ok, need some guidance

[Reggie]

A true and sincere thanks to all who have replied...I confess I knew all along what the right thing to do is - just needed confirmation. No, Reggie, I wouldn't dream of mentioning the intellectual inconsistency, because why rub salt into a wound that I have already inflicted?

 

We who are about to confess salute you!

 

Thumbs up. ("Do you like Gladiator movies, Billy?")((or was it Timmy or Bobby?) Good line from Graves, anyway.

[Reggie]

Frank Pittman is an excellent author, and I enjoy his books! I highly recommend him, too.

 

The Pittmeister is good. Not sure about his "accidental'" affair theory, though.

[jwi71]

I truly appreciate your honest & direct approach, but I, too, have to quibble with the semantics. I do indeed feel remorse - I hate the fact that I betrayed my H and that my actions could potentially destroy an absolutely wonderful man.

 

You hadn't posted that when I replied...just defending myself a bit.

 

I have indeed stated that I feel incredibly guilty, so I'm not sure where you see that I don't have that feeling, either.

I never said you didn't have feelings. I said you didn't show any feelings for your H. And when I posted it was true...you were focused on missing your lover and NOT your H. All I can do is comment on what you write.

 

Yes, I tasted the fruit and yes, I loved it. Do I want to do so again? No. Might I? Apparently, you seem to believe that to be an undeniable fact...not an if, but a when.

The point is you NEVER thought you would betray your H...yet you did. So to claim you will NEVER do it again - especially after admitting liking and wanting more...is ludicrous to me. Like I said, its VERY hard to stop and leave this dark path you have begun walking. One way...the most "healthy" way is to follow my prescription and that of ALL the others...confess.

From reading your reply, I assume you've not committed an act of betrayal on a loved one & I applaud that.

Never and I'm damned proud that I have boundaries that will NOT be crossed. Although I may have accidentally written a 4 instead of a five on a few golf score cards. I chalk it up to bad memory.

I am not at all proud of it & ironically enough, have prayed about it since it occurred. I do indeed wish to repair my marriage & the damage (most likely permanent & irrevokable) I caused it

Yes...it is permanent. That is NOT to say your M will NOT recover. It IS possible. It does happen...many posters here have survived. Others have not. And to survive this wound, this crisis...is honesty. If you don't trust me...then trust that virtually every poster has told you the same...we have ALL walked this road...

 

I can see you judge me harshly & I deserve that. But believe me, you can't judge me any harder than I am myself.

Where have I judged you? In fact...I don't see ANY posts as judging. Not what you wanted to hear to be sure...but not judgmental. But, if you are wondering...I DO judge you as wrong. But I do NOT damn or condemn you. I offer you what I think SAVES your M. Based on experience (I was cheated on).

[Reggie]

Damn, jiwi, you took a 4 when you had a 5? WTF is that all about?Cut that **** out.

[jwi71]

Damn, jiwi, you took a 4 when you had a 5? WTF is that all about?Cut that **** out.

 

Ahem...I said MAY.

Defense rests.

 

Its not what you do its what they can prove...I dunno why that came to mind just now...

[lostsunsets]

I'm glad to hear that you are going to confess to your husband. I think you now understand that if you didn't confess, your lie would sentence you in your marriage to a sort of nether world. If I may give an example what you say and what you (think).

 

Your husband gets a big promotion

 

Your husband: I love you honey

 

You: I love you too. I am so proud of you. (but I cheated on you)

 

Your next anniversary

 

Your husband: After all the time I have spent with you, I love you more today then I could ever imagine.

 

You: I feel the same way, my love for you has grown so deep that I don't know where you end and I start (but I betrayed you)

 

At the birth of your child

 

Your husband: My heart is so full that I can't contain my love for you. Look at the beautiful gift our love gave us.

 

You: I love you so much, our baby is so lucky to have you for a father. (My heart is on fire, I hurt so much for cheating on you)

 

Your 25 anniversary

 

Your husband: Thank you darling for a quarter century of love, my life is so full. I am the luckiest man in the world.

 

You: These years with you have passed so fast. I want to spend the next 25 years in your arms (you wouldn't feel lucky if you knew what I have done.

 

This would taint every wonderful and loving moment of your marriage. Every vacation, every time you looked at him, and think how much you love him. That thought would be poisoned with your secret. Every time he looked at you and said how wonderful you are. You would think how wonderful you're not. Eventually you would have to tamp down that feeling of guilt and shame. But along with that guilt and shame, the good emotions would be suppressed also. You can't control one emotion without controlling all emotion. You would start to be angry also. Because as a cheater you would have to cover up the guilt and shame with something so you wouldn't despair and self destruct. You will convince yourself of dissatisfaction with your marriage and that your husband deserves some of the blame. Your communication would suffer. And eventually you will poison what love you have for him. And most likely look for that love with someone else. More guilt more shame worse marriage. Eventually you may just get divorced. Leaving him to wonder. "Where did it all go bad? We loved each other so much. I can't understand it"

 

Consider this a ghost of marriage future. Don't lose your nerve. Tell him.

[desertmoon]

Damn, jiwi, you took a 4 when you had a 5? WTF is that all about?Cut that **** out.

 

Ahem...I said MAY.

Defense rests.

 

Its not what you do its what they can prove...I dunno why that came to mind just now...

 

 

hmmm...interesting...I learned this from someone: what you do on the golf course is a reflection of your character-in how you live your life, etc....

 

..it's what they can prove, huh?...

 

there you go..integrity at it's finest...

[jwi71]

hmmm...interesting...I learned this from someone: what you do on the golf course is a reflection of your character-in how you live your life, etc....

 

..it's what they can prove, huh?...

 

there you go..integrity at it's finest...

 

I am damn proud of my character. Even my stbxw admits I have few serious faults...which prolly explains her full court press to save the M. Which is not nearly as comforting as it sounds.

 

As for golf...that game is spawned from the depths of hell I swear. I never used to understand addiction...how people can slavishly devote themselves, their time and money to something so goddamn frustrating...until I discovered golf. That stupit game...I hate it...I hate it...I hate it.

 

And I found a cure. This new driver....

[desertmoon]

I am damn proud of my character. Even my stbxw admits I have few serious faults...which prolly explains her full court press to save the M. Which is not nearly as comforting as it sounds.

 

no, not really...you know she is lying...she has something up her sleeves. Besides, after all the things you have said here about your marriage(and other people's situations) and her, you ought to just make good of the threat and end the marriage.

 

As for golf...that game is spawned from the depths of hell I swear. I never used to understand addiction...how people can slavishly devote themselves, their time and money to something so goddamn frustrating...until I discovered golf. That stupit game...I hate it...I hate it...I hate it.

 

And I found a cure. This new driver....

 

LOL...funny !

[Athena]

I'm glad to hear that you are going to confess to your husband. I think you now understand that if you didn't confess, your lie would sentence you in your marriage to a sort of nether world. If I may give an example what you say and what you (think).

(...)

Consider this a ghost of marriage future. Don't lose your nerve. Tell him.

[/b]

Thanks lostsunsets, for giving her the examples... Have To Wonder -- THIS was what I was 'too tired' to get into... exactly what lostsunsets described... its true... its insidious effects eat you up alive... you do need to understand that.

[Reggie]

I am damn proud of my character. Even my stbxw admits I have few serious faults...which prolly explains her full court press to save the M. Which is not nearly as comforting as it sounds.

 

As for golf...that game is spawned from the depths of hell I swear. I never used to understand addiction...how people can slavishly devote themselves, their time and money to something so goddamn frustrating...until I discovered golf. That stupit game...I hate it...I hate it...I hate it.

 

And I found a cure. This new driver....

 

Golf, the second best example of the love/hate thing. Marriage is numero uno.

[Athena]

golf, the second best example of the love/hate thing. marriage is numero uno.

 

lol!!.....

[Have to Wonder]

Well, all, 'tis done. I told him (H) last night. Must say, I am quite the coward when it comes to initiating what I know is going to be a very uncomfortable & painful experience. However, I did it. He was assuredly hurt and angry - NO DOUBT ABOUT THAT - but, we sat up for hours & talked about the "reasons" for making the decision I made & acted upon while out of town. Now, I realize that you all have no knowledge whatsoever of my personal history (and don't want or need it), but he does. He knows the good, the bad & the truly ugly.

 

The most startling part of what occurred during our discussion last night, to me anyway, was that he actually did understand why I did it. Don't get me wrong - it certainly wasn't like, "Well, gee, Honey, no harm, no foul," but he did indeed understand.

 

After several hours of discussion, he told me he forgives me, loves me & doesn't want to see this horrendous mistake as an end to our marriage. He told me he knows that I love him & didn't intentionally set out to hurt him, but that he was indeed hurt anyway (well, DUH! - I assumed this would destroy him, so for him to say he's "hurt" seemed a bit of an understatement).

 

I asked him about MC, but he doesn't want to do it. He assured me that we can work things out between us. I have decided to go with IC, since I obviously need to do some serious soul-searching, but I'm feeling hopeful that we can work things out. While my H is not a doormat, he is 10 years my senior & has been through what he deems "a lot worse than this," so...I guess we'll see what time brings.

 

I'm glad I followed the advice given here & came clean with him. And, while you were right in that I heard what I didn't want to hear, it was the right thing. Thank you all for the guidance, advice and help - it is truly appreciated.

[Bryanp]

Good for you. You did the right thing. This is exactly what I and others were suggesting to you. It would be painful but you would have a good discussion and deal with the issues at hand as a team. You are no longer being deceitful in your marriage. You must feel an enormous weight has been lifted from your shoulders.

 

You sound like a very intelligent woman. Most people who did not hear what they wanted to hear from this board would have walked awayfrom this board. It is clear that you processed what advise was given to you and made the correct decision to be honest. It also says a lot that you suggested marriage counseling and then you will undergo Individually counseling. The old saying is so accurate which state: The truth shall set you free. I think you are on the way to fixing yourself and your marriage. I congratulate you and wish you the best.

[Have to Wonder]

Good for you. You did the right thing. This is exactly what I and others were suggesting to you. It would be painful but you would have a good discussion and deal with the issues at hand as a team. You are no longer being deceitful in your marriage. You must feel an enormous weight has been lifted from your shoulders.

 

You sound like a very intelligent woman. Most people who did not hear what they wanted to hear from this board would have walked awayfrom this board. It is clear that you processed what advise was given to you and made the correct decision to be honest. It also says a lot that you suggested marriage counseling and then you will undergo Individually counseling. The old saying is so accurate which state: The truth shall set you free. I think you are on the way to fixing yourself and your marriage. I congratulate you and wish you the best.

 

I do feel as if an enormous weight has been lifted off me...not JUST for being honest with him, but because his forgiveness is so important to me, and I want him to know that his mental/emotional well-being are even more important. I guess one advantage to having married someone who was a really good friend first (before we got romantically involved) is that we ARE a team & always have been. A part of me just took a wrong turn & now ALL of me is going to work on making things right in our marriage again.

 

I don't know about the "very intelligent woman" part, because if that were really true, I'd have been a h*ll of a lot smarter & not gotten myself into this very situation! I have to admit, a large part of me did want to walk away from the board, but while I may be a coward in some ways, I knew I needed to hear honesty from people who weren't emotionally invested in either my marriage or the outcome of this situation. I grew up hearing this: if you're not sure you want the answer, don't ask the question. I asked the question, got lots of answers (some of which were bitter pills to swallow), and took heed.

[Lizzie60]

I haven't read the whole thread.. only a few posts.

 

OK.. it's done.. not much you can do about it now.. you can't de-do it..

 

NOW.. You absolutely need to keep this to yourself.. NEVER EVER tell your husband.. this is verrry mild cheating.. really.. it's nothing.. why the need to ruin your relationship.. to destroy him... really.. that would be ridiculous.

 

Just try your best to forget about this guy... whenever you think about him,... change your mind with something else.. quick...

 

Don't nourish those thoughts.. don't fantasize anymore about this guy... it's that simple.. no one else can do it for you..

[Athena]

I grew up hearing this: if you're not sure you want the answer, don't ask the question. I asked the question, got lots of answers (some of which were bitter pills to swallow), and took heed.

 

And the flip side to the above, is never give advice unless asked for it...

 

Havetowonder, well done. It did take courage to own up to something you had done, which as exciting as it was at the time, in retrospect, you realized you didn't like the feeling of betrayal to your H.

I am so glad you did tell your husband the truth, because that single act will draw you together, will make your relationship closer and allow trust on both sides... that even if you do something horrible, you will still value your spouse to step up and tell the truth, and even more importantly, seek to mend your ways.

 

I am proud of you for doing what was obviously difficult, and also taking what seemed like an 'unnecessary risk' but which actually was the ONLY way to go forward!

Please check in from time to time to update us on how you and your H are doing.

I wish more people could be like you... learn from their mistakes and do something different to make sure they don't repeat them. I acknowledge the strength in you for doing the right thing.

[whichwayisup]

edited...didn't see she confessed to her H.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I do feel as if an enormous weight has been lifted off me...not JUST for being honest with him, but because his forgiveness is so important to me, and I want him to know that his mental/emotional well-being are even more important. I guess one advantage to having married someone who was a really good friend first (before we got romantically involved) is that we ARE a team & always have been. A part of me just took a wrong turn & now ALL of me is going to work on making things right in our marriage again.

I don't know about the "very intelligent woman" part, because if that were really true, I'd have been a h*ll of a lot smarter & not gotten myself into this very situation! I have to admit, a large part of me did want to walk away from the board, but while I may be a coward in some ways, I knew I needed to hear honesty from people who weren't emotionally invested in either my marriage or the outcome of this situation. I grew up hearing this: if you're not sure you want the answer, don't ask the question. I asked the question, got lots of answers (some of which were bitter pills to swallow), and took heed.

 

It's clear you made the right choice.

 

Your husband seems like a good man. I think your marriage will continue to get better as time goes.

 

In this world honesty is in short supply... It's best to have it in your marriage where you need it.

 

I'm very happy for you, and I hope things continue to go well.

[Have to Wonder]

It's clear you made the right choice.

 

Your husband seems like a good man. I think your marriage will continue to get better as time goes.

 

In this world honesty is in short supply... It's best to have it in your marriage where you need it.

 

I'm very happy for you, and I hope things continue to go well.

 

My husband is an extraordinary man & I, too, believe our marriage will get stronger as times goes - the most ironic thing about this entire situation is that I truly don't feel there is something "wrong" in our marriage - I believe there is something "off" within me to need attention/admiration/the validation of someone else as well as the man who loves me. Therefore, the IC.

 

Funnily enough, in the rest of my life (outside this situation), honesty is paramount to me & I insist on it. I live the rest of my life with the utmost integrity and so, for me to have turned away from that, even for a short time, is a bit mind-boggling. It's just not how I thought I was hard-wired. Guess we'll have to see what the counselor says about that one, huh?

[troubadour]

I do feel as if an enormous weight has been lifted off me...not JUST for being honest with him, but because his forgiveness is so important to me, and I want him to know that his mental/emotional well-being are even more important. I guess one advantage to having married someone who was a really good friend first (before we got romantically involved) is that we ARE a team & always have been. A part of me just took a wrong turn & now ALL of me is going to work on making things right in our marriage again.

 

Have to Wonder,

 

I wouldn't like to sound too harsh but I have to admit that I find this part of your post... simply ludicrous. I guess these are the right things to say in your situation... but are they really true?

 

You are right when you say "I do feel as if an enormous weight has been lifted off me"... because on emotional level your husband is carring it right now.

 

...because his forgiveness is so important to me, and I want him to know that his mental/emotional well-being are even more important... since you already had your cake you can focus on his well being now.

 

We ARE a team & always have been... is it really so? Were you also a team when you were giving the OM a tongue bath? A part of me just took a wrong turn... how beautifilly said.

 

Don't get me wrong. I am not trying to implay that you shouldn't have confessed but... the reality of affairs and infidelity is that BS pays emotional price of them. WS gets the cake... just like you did... and moves on. Of course, this "moving on" usually involve some "remorse theatrics"... just like you do now... but the reality is that WS just wants to move on and put the past behind... the rest is just theatrics.

 

One thing I don't understand is why BS is always so high on this "remorse thing" from WS. It is not logical. It is almost like forcing WS into telling more lies. I understand emotional aspect of this... but still it is not logical to expect BS to be regretful about something she/he enjoyed. She/he maight be sorry about how it affects BS but is not going to be truly regretful about something she/he enjoyed.

 

But... I have never been cheated on so perhaps that's why I don't understand it. I have seen tones and tones of infidelity at the close range in my life but so far I have never been on receiving end of it... at least I am not aware of it.

 

Seriously... deep down... do you really regret your fling with OM, Have to Wonder? Somehow I doubt that.

 

BUT... good luck to you.

[Have to Wonder]

I do feel as if an enormous weight has been lifted off me...not JUST for being honest with him, but because his forgiveness is so important to me, and I want him to know that his mental/emotional well-being are even more important. I guess one advantage to having married someone who was a really good friend first (before we got romantically involved) is that we ARE a team & always have been. A part of me just took a wrong turn & now ALL of me is going to work on making things right in our marriage again.

 

 

Have to Wonder,

 

I wouldn't like to sound too harsh but I have to admit that I find this part of your post... simply ludicrous. I guess these are the right things to say in your situation... but are they really true?

 

You are right when you say "I do feel as if an enormous weight has been lifted off me"... because on emotional level your husband is carring it right now.

 

...because his forgiveness is so important to me, and I want him to know that his mental/emotional well-being are even more important... since you already had your cake you can focus on his well being now.

 

We ARE a team & always have been... is it really so? Were you also a team when you were giving the OM a tongue bath? A part of me just took a wrong turn... how beautifilly said.

 

Don't get me wrong. I am not trying to implay that you shouldn't have confessed but... the reality of affairs and infidelity is that BS pays emotional price of them. WS gets the cake... just like you did... and moves on. Of course, this "moving on" usually involve some "remorse theatrics"... just like you do now... but the reality is that WS just wants to move on and put the past behind... the rest is just theatrics.

 

One thing I don't understand is why BS is always so high on this "remorse thing" from WS. It is not logical. It is almost like forcing WS into telling more lies. I understand emotional aspect of this... but still it is not logical to expect BS to be regretful about something she/he enjoyed. She/he maight be sorry about how it affects BS but is not going to be truly regretful about something she/he enjoyed.

 

But... I have never been cheated on so perhaps that's why I don't understand it. I have seen tones and tones of infidelity at the close range in my life but so far I have never been on receiving end of it... at least I am not aware of it.

 

Seriously... deep down... do you really regret your fling with OM, Have to Wonder? Somehow I doubt that.

 

BUT... good luck to you.

 

Wow - why don't you just take me out & stone me while you're at it. I'm a bit shocked at the vehemence of your response to what I posted. We are BOTH carrying the weight & I am truly committed to doing whatever needs to be done to repair the damage I inflicted. "Remorse theatrics," huh? Well, ok, I guess if that's your perception of someone who has not only admitted to but does indeed feel shame, remorse & yes, GUILT, then guilty as charged in being theatrical. Do I "really, deep down" regret the fling with OM? Oh yes, I most certainly do - more than words can adequately explain. Just because something felt good at the moment - especially when it's WRONG to indulge in - doesn't mean it continues to feel good later.

 

You know, I've (as I said earlier) swallowed some bitter pills from the honest responses posted to me on this board, but somehow being slapped down by you when I have done my utmost to be honest both with H and with the other posters on here & have confessed all to my H, is a painfully personal thing. Maybe your intent wasn't to be condescending, but trust me, it sure came across that way.

 

Lastly, as far as my H & I always having been a team, NO, we weren't a team when I was being intimate with the OM. I was the selfish one - nobody made me do anything I didn't want to do in that moment.

 

While I do appreciate insightful remarks/advice, etc., your post leans much more to the "hateful" than the helpful. Yes, I do want to move on, but not without a great deal of work on MY part, including what I guess you'd term "theatrics" if that's what I call soul-searching and mending of my self and my faults.

[jwi71]

HtW,

 

Congratulations on what I think is the best route to recovery. And it is a long one. That took immeasurable guts and it WILL payoff for your H later. You'll just have to trust me on that.

 

As a BS (betrayed spouse) myself...I can PROMISE you that broken trust is excruciating to bear. It is not only a M altering event but a life altering event as well.

 

The next few days will be hard on him. I would expect him to be on a roller coaster from hell. Do your best to roll with it but NOT tolerate ABUSE. When these wild swings manifest themselves try and understand.

 

Be completely honest with him.

Be patient - expect the same question 50 times. Answer all 50 times.

Be available to him. He wakes up at 3am and nudges you with a question..answer it.

Be open. You sign up for detailed cell phone billing, give him ALL email passwords and ANYTHING else he demands to see.

 

I would urge the MC. I know he refused but ask him to go with you for 5 meetings. He can quit after five meetings. I simply think a non biased trained third party with decades of experience can HELP. I used to think it was for weed smoking tree huggers...boy have I changed my tune.

 

Congratulations again. It is a hard first step. But, it does get better.

[Have to Wonder]

HtW,

 

 

The next few days will be hard on him. I would expect him to be on a roller coaster from hell. Do your best to roll with it but NOT tolerate ABUSE. When these wild swings manifest themselves try and understand.

 

Be completely honest with him.

Be patient - expect the same question 50 times. Answer all 50 times.

Be available to him. He wakes up at 3am and nudges you with a question..answer it.

Be open. You sign up for detailed cell phone billing, give him ALL email passwords and ANYTHING else he demands to see.

 

I would urge the MC. I know he refused but ask him to go with you for 5 meetings. He can quit after five meetings. I simply think a non biased trained third party with decades of experience can HELP. I used to think it was for weed smoking tree huggers...boy have I changed my tune.

 

Congratulations again. It is a hard first step. But, it does get better.

 

Thanks, I needed that after the last post! H & I just had lunch together & yes, he did have questions...and yes, they were questions we'd discussed last night. I have had no contact whatsoever with the OM & won't (we didn't exchange contact info), so as far as emails, cell phones, etc., that's not an issue, though if he wants to check, I will be an open book to him.

 

I talked to him again about MC & utilized your suggestion of his going with me for 5 sessions. He said if he feels like he/we can't handle it, he'll happily go with me. So, that door is & will remain open.

 

I don't feel congratulations are in order for me, though. I did what I knew needed to be done & was owed to him. Obviously, the confession pretty well sucked, but again, I am hopeful for our marriage. I expect there to be repercussions (when I least expect them, if that makes any sense), and am prepared to deal with them as they may arise. But, your encouragement does mean a lot to me. Thank you!

[pelicanpreacher]

The enormity of the deed and subsequent confession are but mere protuberances of the iceberg that you've got to get your mind around. As you sojourn into your soul searching you need to ponder the fact that your husband is 10 years older than you and always will be. The endlessly merciless siege that time ravages upon his body guarantees that tomorrow's foot forward will stride a little less jauntily than today's as he marches into the downslope of his life for that is a fact no-one can escape. Your husband feels it, resents it, and, rail as he might against it, must march to it like the rest of us. Though he may have never speculated upon his own mortality, the revelation of your tryst ensures he's at least pondered the mortality of your marriage. He now knows that the bolts of commitment bracing your head straight and in place can give sway to the twist of your neck should the right man come along so now feels more and more unsure as time goes on while the sands of life continually shift beneath his feet.

 

On your end, now that time has revealed the real man once blinded by romantic love to life's harsh light of reality's lesson that no-one is perfect or will ever achieve perfection you'd better summon your crystal ball to truly see what a lifelong future entails in remaining with your husband. Though his intellectual deficiency may have been obscured during the early "rose colored" romance-filled days you enjoyed earlier on in the relationship it, coupled with the diminishment of his positive age-bound attributes, has allowed dissatisfaction of his person to emerge to the forefront of your marriage exposing chinks in its armor that may eventually rust out your relationship. You alluded upon on a need to feel sexy, desired, and thrilled within your post(s) and I'm wondering if you secretly resent your husband for not being smart enough to know how you feel when you feel it. Also, you may even, at a subconcious level, resent the fact that he is slowing down and holding you back from experiencing your true fulfillment as a woman at this time of your life so that may be another issue you might want to get your mind around!

 

I wholly agree that IC should thoroughly be explored by you for, if your husband has never shown any distastefull sides to his personality that you've ever seen before, then the issues going forward toward recovery lie strictly within you!

 

GL!