Ok, need some guidance

[Have to Wonder]

I'm new here and have been reading a lot of the posts and don't seem to see anything that fits my particular situation. I've been with my husband for 10 years (married for 3), and I love him very much. The sex is always great so that's not a problem. The problem is that recently I went out of town (actually out of state) for a job-related conference. I'm in my mid 40's & my husband is 10 years older...just some background to give you my mental state at the time of the trip. The evenings were pretty much all about the drinking & whooping it up, which I did with gusto! The issue for me is I met an incredibly fascinating man who conversed with me on my intellectual level (which my husband & I can't really do). It started to get cold out & we went up to my suite. We kissed & I allowed him to touch me intimately (both of us agreeing that this would go nowhere else - not that night & not in the future). A) This IS cheating, right? and B) Even though we both agreed it would go no further & it hasn't, I can't seem to forget about that night. HELP!!!

[TaraMaiden]

A) Yes.

B) That's because you do not want to.

[Have to Wonder]

Actually, Tara, I really WOULD like to not continue thinking about that night or the OM. I liked & respected him, I enjoyed his company, but I have no intention of leaving my H. I simply wondered if others out there had found themselves in the same situation & how they handled it when they went back to their "real lives."

[TaraMaiden]

The only way you cannot think about it, is if you had refused to let it happen in the first place.

Something in you wanted it to happen, more than the something in you that did not want it to happen.

Your desire for variety, excitement and passion won over common sense, dignity and fidelity.

Now, unfortunately, you are reaping the consequences, which I am sure must be both awkward and difficult.

I am sorry for this.

But you cannot just forget, just as you cannot not breathe.....

[Have to Wonder]

You're absolutely right - something in me did want to be on an intimate level with this man, more than something in me didn't. I wasn't raised to be this way & in 10 years, nothing like this has ever occurred. So, in believing that I can't forget it, how do I put it in my past & move forward?

[TaraMaiden]

You feel remorse, not guilt.

Guilt bears you down and stops healing.

Remorse is sadness, but a resolution to not repeat.

You should now focus on what gap this episode filled, and try to regain that with the man you married.

Question your actions and motives, make discoveries, and explore how best to put it into practise with your husband.

 

Once, it was there.....

[Bryanp]

I think it is absolutely essential that you confess and be honest with your husband. If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want him to be honest with you? You cheated on him and by telling him the truth you both will delve into the issues that allowed to tell yourself it was O.K. to engage in intimate touching with this another man? How would you feel if your husband did this to you behind your back? There clearly is a problem in your marriage. If you do not discuss openly with your husband and deal with it immediately it will only get worse. I wish you luck.

[Have to Wonder]

Confessing all to my husband would serve only to relieve some of the guilt/remorse I feel and would destroy him. As this situation is definitely not something I will repeat, I truly can't see where telling him I let another man touch me & kiss me would make my marriage any stronger. I haven't deluded myself into thinking there could ever be anything other than that one night with the OM, and my marriage IS important to me. I think I need to figure out why the combination of things (the intellectual stimulation, the being the center of his attention & attraction, the alcohol - I drink maybe once a year at most - and the circumstances made me throw my morals out the window. I guess that would be a start!

[Bryanp]

Just so we are clear: If the roles were reversed you would not wish for your husband to tell you anything that he did with another woman since he felt it would not happen again. What is wrong with this picture?

[Have to Wonder]

Just to be clear...no, I would not want him to tell me. If it was something that he felt he couldn't control and wasn't absolutely certain wouldn't happen again, then yes, I would want to know. But, if he major-league screwed up like I did and felt the same level of remorse I'm feeling, and KNEW it was a one-time thing, I would still see no purpose in his confession.

[jwi71]

First, a bit of a semantic quibble with TaraMadien.

She doesn't feel remorse. Remorse is shame and guilt and sadness at hurting others (her H). She hasn't indicated that...only regret. Which is sadness, guilt and shame FOR herself.

 

So she has regret not remorse. Minor quibble.

 

Now...for the OP.

 

What you are going through is withdrawal symptoms. You have tasted forbidden fruit and LOVED it. Now, you miss it. And you crave it again. And because you do want it...you are MORE susceptible to another A (and yes, you had an A(ffair)).

 

My advice is thus:

 

1) Immediately find a good IC and begin exploring why an A was an acceptable course of action for you.

2) Start MC. Your M is in crisis. Oh sure it doesn't feel like one...but it is. After all, you betrayed your H.

3) NC with your lover. No contact (NC) with him at any level at any time ever. No emails, no IMs, no cell phone calls or even a "hi" in the hallway. You have crossed the line and he is forever forbidden to you AT ANY LEVEL.

4) Hardest of all...confess. Time to confess your actions to your H. I would suggest making a MC appt on a Friday and deliver any kids (should there be kids) to a grandparent that weekend. And in this MC session...confess. NO lies...you MUST NEVER LIE in MC...ever. Then you and your H can begin to rebuild...or divorce.

 

HtW...I know this all sounds "way out there" to you...you might even think I am trying to END your M. Well, I'm not. I'm trying to save it. And here's why.

 

You have betrayed your H and you feel NO remorse. You're not here to ask how to repair your M but how to forget this "forbidden fruit". Its HARD...almost impossibly hard especially after tasting the fruit and found yourself wanting more. Because you DID want more and you "got away with it"...it is easier to lie to yourself and give in...with this man or another. Don't say it can't happen...you're here already. And it builds over time.

 

So my perscription is to examine what in you allowed an A to occur (the IC).

It is to sit with your H and discuss the state of your M (crisis) and to confess and try and rebuild. It is to NEVER CONTACT your lover again.

 

I hope you take my advice. It allows for you to heal yourself and possibly heal your M. IMO, anything just buries it...and these things always crop back up.

[bentnotbroken]

And just for the record your situation is like so many others on here. All you have to do is look. Cheating and not letting the spouse know out of some twisted justification of saving them from pain.

[Darth Vader]

Just to be clear...no, I would not want him to tell me. If it was something that he felt he couldn't control and wasn't absolutely certain wouldn't happen again, then yes, I would want to know. But, if he major-league screwed up like I did and felt the same level of remorse I'm feeling, and KNEW it was a one-time thing, I would still see no purpose in his confession.

 

 

Are you just saying that, so you feel like you don't have to tell your hubby? Somehow I think you're just saying that you wouldn't want to know.

 

Anyway, a one time thing? You went this far this time, so next time you see this guy in say 5 - 20 years from now, and all the thoughts and feelings rush back and before you know it you'll be mounting OM and riding him all night long in some motel 6 somewhere on a business trip while your poor hubby's home with the children! Do you see where I'm going here? You need to tell your hubby what happened, yes he will be PISSED, and rightly so. But you have to fix what's wrong in the marriage, or rather, what's wrong with you, you may need IC, but you both need MC!

[Have to Wonder]

First, a bit of a semantic quibble with TaraMadien.

She doesn't feel remorse. Remorse is shame and guilt and sadness at hurting others (her H). She hasn't indicated that...only regret. Which is sadness, guilt and shame FOR herself.

 

So she has regret not remorse. Minor quibble.

 

You have betrayed your H and you feel NO remorse. You're not here to ask how to repair your M but how to forget this "forbidden fruit". Its HARD...almost impossibly hard especially after tasting the fruit and found yourself wanting more. Because you DID want more and you "got away with it"...it is easier to lie to yourself and give in...with this man or another. Don't say it can't happen...you're here already. And it builds over time.

 

I truly appreciate your honest & direct approach, but I, too, have to quibble with the semantics. I do indeed feel remorse - I hate the fact that I betrayed my H and that my actions could potentially destroy an absolutely wonderful man. I have indeed stated that I feel incredibly guilty, so I'm not sure where you see that I don't have that feeling, either.

 

Yes, I tasted the fruit and yes, I loved it. Do I want to do so again? No. Might I? Apparently, you seem to believe that to be an undeniable fact...not an if, but a when. From reading your reply, I assume you've not committed an act of betrayal on a loved one & I applaud that. I did. I am not at all proud of it & ironically enough, have prayed about it since it occurred. I do indeed wish to repair my marriage & the damage (most likely permanent & irrevokable) I caused it. I can see you judge me harshly & I deserve that. But believe me, you can't judge me any harder than I am myself.

[Bryanp]

Either you have a relationship built on honest and respect or disrespect and deceit. I am sorry but you are still disrepecting your husband by not being honest with him. My hunch is that the real reason you wish to be dishonest and withhold this information about your betrayal from your husband is because you do not wish to have consequences from your actions. I think most people with a moral compass would agree that a betrayed spouse has the right to have that information from his spouse. Rather than being honest with your husband you rather sweep it under the rug and not suffer any consequences from your actions. What you are doing is supremely disrespectful to your husband and clearly self-serving for you. Honesty and respect versus deceit and disrespect. It seems quite clear what your choice is.

[Reggie]

You really should come clean to your H. This type of secret has a tendency to fester.

If you and your H are incompatible , intellectually, perhaps you could take some remedial courses to catch up.

[Have to Wonder]

You really should come clean to your H. This type of secret has a tendency to fester.

If you and your H are incompatible , intellectually, perhaps you could take some remedial courses to catch up.

 

Snarky response there, but I guess effective in a mean-spirited way.

 

I believe that all of you, to an extent, are right...I do need to & will come clean with him about what I did. When I first read posts on this board, I guess I expected to get advised, not necessarily judged. I KNOW what I did was wrong, disrespectful, self-serving, etc. I knew that with my initial post. I didn't expect some of the hatefulness with which my 'confession' was met & am a bit disconcerted by it (look it up, Reggie). TaraMaiden, I truly appreciate your well-meaning comments & thought-provoking insight & THAT was what I'd hoped to achieve in coming here with this situation.

 

Nobody wants to pay the consequences for poor judgment, lack of respect or any of the myriad other ways we hurt those we love, and yes, I'm no different in that respect. However, I will do what I know needs to be done to repair (if possible) the damage I've done to my marriage and the man I've betrayed.

 

Just a thought, though, for those of you so quick to judge & be hateful in that judging - careful - it could be you actually reaching out to others in a time of need & I'd hate to think you'd be treated to some of the same venom I've seen in replies.

[Athena]

I suggest you confess to your husband. You may think no harm had been done to your marriage, but LIES DO HARM! Sigh, I am just too tired to sit and explain this all to you... you think you have acted in a complete vacuum, don't you? That there will be NO knock-on effects of keeping your mouth shut, but having a secret from your husband -- that will cause you to build a wall between the two of you... your communication is going to be affected, your feelings about him, about you, about your M. Everything is going to be subtly affected, but you live on in the thrill of that evening, the magic and all... and for now it will be enough, just to remember and savor the secret but in future... you will find yourself on that same slippery slope and this time the descent will be faster... you have embarked on an addiction, and you are just conning yourself that it won't affect your husband or your Marriage... take heed-- take action -- now, today, before you are at a point of no return. good luck because I know you don't understand me, and I know you think there's no way your husband can find out, but the damage is still being done, and will continue, and will grow... if only you could see ahead,...

[Darth Vader]

We just don't want to see you back here in however long and tell us that you "crossed the line" with some other man, or the one described to us. And how your hubby somehow found out about it and is Divorcing you. Don't become another statistic, prevent becoming one. Your husband will thank you for that much in so many ways.

[Reggie]

I will get out the Webster's. 4 syllables-impressive(3 is my limit).

But , seriously(oh, 4 there), good going on resolving to come clean. It shows respect for your H.

Good luck with repairing this thing.It is tough, but doable. A lot depends on your actions and acceptance of responsibility( I would not mention the intellectual(5) deal. Somewhat insulting, don't you think?).

Your H is in for a world of hurt. You need to help him, if possible.

Not all that many marriages survive this. But, telling improves the odds.

[AGreatWife]

“If you don’t know whether what you are doing is infidelity or not, ask your spouse.”

- Frank Pittman in Beyond Betrayal: Life After Infidelity

[Athena]

Frank Pittman is an excellent author, and I enjoy his books! I highly recommend him, too.

[Have to Wonder]

A true and sincere thanks to all who have replied...I confess I knew all along what the right thing to do is - just needed confirmation. No, Reggie, I wouldn't dream of mentioning the intellectual inconsistency, because why rub salt into a wound that I have already inflicted?

 

We who are about to confess salute you!

[AGreatWife]

Me too Athena... his books give sound, reasonable, and unflinching advice... jmho. : )

[Athena]

Well, let us know how things work out for you both.