Chessy02 Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 Haven't read several posts in this forum, it would be worth while asking those who left their ex-H/W due to having affairs and getting into a 'fog' or what they at the time thought would last eternity. I would want know if as the OW/OM or the 'cheater' regreted your actions. If so, have you made any efforts to contact or return to your ex-H/Ws?
GreenEyedLady Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 Well I guess my H has been in the "fog" for over 4 years now and is still in the fog... Because we are very happy, have no regrets and just moved into "our" dreamhouse... I am wondering at what point the "fog" becomes reality? Perhaps it is the BS's who are in a fog and don't realize it? Ya think?
White Flower Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 No regrets whatsoever. A few stolen moments with exMM were far more meaningful than 25 years with exH. It's all about quality time. Your responses will vary just as people do. Some will have regrets and some won't. You should ask them to list their reasons when you ask a question like that.
bentnotbroken Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 Well I guess my H has been in the "fog" for over 4 years now and is still in the fog... Because we are very happy, have no regrets and just moved into "our" dreamhouse... I am wondering at what point the "fog" becomes reality? Perhaps it is the BS's who are in a fog and don't realize it? Ya think? No I don't. There are exceptions to every rule. I moved into my dream house a couple of years before my d-day.
GreenEyedLady Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 No I don't. There are exceptions to every rule. I moved into my dream house a couple of years before my d-day. You know exactly what I mean; It seems to be the BS's hope (wish) that it doesn't work out with the OP. The fact is, sometimes it DOES work out. Sometimes there are no regrets and it works out in everyone's favor. But people don't want to hear that. They wish ill on everyone but the BS. They forget all about the other problems that were in the M before and focus on the A. Sometimes the WS just moves on and doesn't regret it. Why is that so hard to understand?
bentnotbroken Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 :laugh:That isn't what I meant. I mean that we all live in a fog to some extent. We all believe that the forever is going to happen. We aren't talking about the problems in a marriage which both spouses are equally responsible for, but the expectations of fidelity and the dream(or fog)if you will. I don't care if Mr. Messy moves on or not. It is all irrelevant now, but I do believe in a right way to go about anything. Do we always to do, no we are human. Should it matter how a relationship has it's beginnings, I don't know. That would be up to God. Can something that is wrong become better, yes. Just as something right can get worse.
Reggie Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 Well I guess my H has been in the "fog" for over 4 years now and is still in the fog... Because we are very happy, have no regrets and just moved into "our" dreamhouse... I am wondering at what point the "fog" becomes reality? Perhaps it is the BS's who are in a fog and don't realize it? Ya think? You go, girl... Mountains Dreamhouse :bunny:
NoIDidn't Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 You know exactly what I mean; It seems to be the BS's hope (wish) that it doesn't work out with the OP. The fact is, sometimes it DOES work out. Sometimes there are no regrets and it works out in everyone's favor. But people don't want to hear that. They wish ill on everyone but the BS. They forget all about the other problems that were in the M before and focus on the A. Sometimes the WS just moves on and doesn't regret it. Why is that so hard to understand? What I don't understand is why the OPs don't understand why most of society doesn't want the BS to be further hurt by the slap in her face that happiness with the OP would mean? I don't think the problems in another person's marriage are anyone's but the people in it. Its nobody else's business and to use that as justification for attempting to replace the other spouse, successfully or not, is lame. A lot of the times the WS moves on and doesn't regret it because they aren't introspective people. They don't really care about the lives they are leaving behind, only looking forward. I'm not taking a judgmental stance. Some people are just like that - sometimes to their great regret when it happens to them one day (not just talking affairs and being left, but just not caring about what they do to others until it happens to them). Everyone wants to feel that they mattered to the people in their lives (spouses, friends, kids, you name it). When a person moves on without a thought of those they are leaving behind, its painful to those left(depending on the circumstances). And I don't think that people wish ill on the OPs and the MPs that get together, they just wish that that group of people would be more compassionate and thoughtful about the people they are running roughshod over to get what they want. People tend to feel that folks repeat bad behavior when they don't appear to learn from it (the not looking back thing).
GreenEyedLady Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 What I don't understand is why the OPs don't understand why most of society doesn't want the BS to be further hurt by the slap in her face that happiness with the OP would mean? I don't think the problems in another person's marriage are anyone's but the people in it. Its nobody else's business and to use that as justification for attempting to replace the other spouse, successfully or not, is lame. A lot of the times the WS moves on and doesn't regret it because they aren't introspective people. They don't really care about the lives they are leaving behind, only looking forward. I'm not taking a judgmental stance. Some people are just like that - sometimes to their great regret when it happens to them one day (not just talking affairs and being left, but just not caring about what they do to others until it happens to them). Everyone wants to feel that they mattered to the people in their lives (spouses, friends, kids, you name it). When a person moves on without a thought of those they are leaving behind, its painful to those left(depending on the circumstances). And I don't think that people wish ill on the OPs and the MPs that get together, they just wish that that group of people would be more compassionate and thoughtful about the people they are running roughshod over to get what they want. People tend to feel that folks repeat bad behavior when they don't appear to learn from it (the not looking back thing). I guess I have to say this: People don't get to choose everything in life. You just get what you get sometimes. And to think that everyone should live their life so that most people approve, is just a little Victorian. And I'd venture a guess as to that being the very reason why unhappy people stay in unhappy M's instead of making the break BEFORE they cheat. It's just not NICE to their MP. If mama's not happy, no one should be happy? That's just ludicrous. The fog is something that BS's tell themselves their spouses are in so they feel better when they decide they don't want a D for whatever reason. People can move on without looking back. I think that's more an indication of reconciling what happened than not being introspective. If other people can't move on, then I think that's something they need to deal with on a personal level with a professional. I can't control other people's emotions and I'm certainly not going to live my life based on whether someone else feels bad because they didn't matter to someone else. That's kinda what divorce is. The end of one thing and the beginning of something else. Each person decides what the something else is.
NoIDidn't Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 I guess I have to say this: People don't get to choose everything in life. You just get what you get sometimes. And to think that everyone should live their life so that most people approve, is just a little Victorian. And I'd venture a guess as to that being the very reason why unhappy people stay in unhappy M's instead of making the break BEFORE they cheat. It's just not NICE to their MP. If mama's not happy, no one should be happy? That's just ludicrous. The fog is something that BS's tell themselves their spouses are in so they feel better when they decide they don't want a D for whatever reason. People can move on without looking back. I think that's more an indication of reconciling what happened than not being introspective. If other people can't move on, then I think that's something they need to deal with on a personal level with a professional. I can't control other people's emotions and I'm certainly not going to live my life based on whether someone else feels bad because they didn't matter to someone else. That's kinda what divorce is. The end of one thing and the beginning of something else. Each person decides what the something else is. I can honestly say that I don't know what your response had to do with my post. I must be having another slow night. But I will say this: not NICE? Wow. So now being respectful of one's vows to their MP is considered nice instead of what they were supposed to do to begin with? Methinks you are getting jaded in your old age, GEL. LOL. We always do, so I guess we will on this too. Agree to disagree. Enjoy your evening.
Reggie Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 I guess I have to say this: People don't get to choose everything in life. You just get what you get sometimes. And to think that everyone should live their life so that most people approve, is just a little Victorian. And I'd venture a guess as to that being the very reason why unhappy people stay in unhappy M's instead of making the break BEFORE they cheat. It's just not NICE to their MP. If mama's not happy, no one should be happy? That's just ludicrous. The fog is something that BS's tell themselves their spouses are in so they feel better when they decide they don't want a D for whatever reason. People can move on without looking back. I think that's more an indication of reconciling what happened than not being introspective. If other people can't move on, then I think that's something they need to deal with on a personal level with a professional. I can't control other people's emotions and I'm certainly not going to live my life based on whether someone else feels bad because they didn't matter to someone else. That's kinda what divorce is. The end of one thing and the beginning of something else. Each person decides what the something else is. To me, this is truly sad. It's an end justifies the means way of thinking. The folks cheating had the option of divorcing and doing the leaving in an above board manner. The fact that they chose the hurtful, dishonest route give a real look into their characters.
OWoman Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 What I don't understand is why the OPs don't understand why most of society doesn't want the BS to be further hurt by the slap in her face that happiness with the OP would mean? I don't think the problems in another person's marriage are anyone's but the people in it. Its nobody else's business and to use that as justification for attempting to replace the other spouse, successfully or not, is lame. A lot of the times the WS moves on and doesn't regret it because they aren't introspective people. They don't really care about the lives they are leaving behind, only looking forward. I'm not taking a judgmental stance. Some people are just like that - sometimes to their great regret when it happens to them one day (not just talking affairs and being left, but just not caring about what they do to others until it happens to them). Everyone wants to feel that they mattered to the people in their lives (spouses, friends, kids, you name it). When a person moves on without a thought of those they are leaving behind, its painful to those left(depending on the circumstances). And I don't think that people wish ill on the OPs and the MPs that get together, they just wish that that group of people would be more compassionate and thoughtful about the people they are running roughshod over to get what they want. People tend to feel that folks repeat bad behavior when they don't appear to learn from it (the not looking back thing). Interesting take on it. Thinking about this, and considering the people that I know IRL who have landed up with their APs long-term, the one thing that they do have in common is that they are all very much introspective types. I suspect that's what kept them "stuck" in the A so long - unable simply to walk away and leave it all behind, precisely because they DID think too much about the "happiness" of those they'd be leaving behind - and only at the point where they managed to reconcile (either through introspection, or through counselling, or through discussions with friends) the notion that everyone being stuck in an unhappy situation (an unresolved A) was not best for anyone, with a vision of potential happiness for themselves AND for the others, could they move forward in any way. And, once moving forward, happiness did indeed follow - not only for them, but for everyone else involved too. And, the moving forward has not been without introspection either. There has been plenty of that in all the people I've known in that situation. But pauses for reflection do not mean that they are unhappy, or that they have regrets, or wish things different. (Indeed, the only thing my H wishes different is that he'd never gotten involved with his xW in the first place!) Being happy, and being introspective, are not mutually exclusive. If anyone has any regrets in my own situation, it could only be the BxW. Everyone else is much happier and that includes the "most of society" you think are so concerned with the BxW. Everyone just wishes she'd move on and get the help she so clearly needs.
HappyAtLast Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 I left my XW forty years ago for my OW. We have been happily married since. Certainly never contacted my XW after that (save children's occasions) - why would I? If I wanted to speak with her I would have stayed married to her.
HappyAtLast Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Yes, I do regret that I pursued another woman whilst still married. That was wrong, plain and simple (regardless of my situation). I do not regret leaving, certainly don't regret marrying my affair partner, but, in retrospect, I should have simply left my XW first.
Reggie Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Yes, I do regret that I pursued another woman whilst still married. That was wrong, plain and simple (regardless of my situation). I do not regret leaving, certainly don't regret marrying my affair partner, but, in retrospect, I should have simply left my XW first. Now, this makes sense to me. It is so much easier and less hurtful to all to get out first. No theft of the other's time. No humiliation of the BS. It just amazes me that folks do not realize this at the time they are cheating. It really is not complicated.
NoIDidn't Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Interesting take on it. Thinking about this, and considering the people that I know IRL who have landed up with their APs long-term, the one thing that they do have in common is that they are all very much introspective types. I suspect that's what kept them "stuck" in the A so long - unable simply to walk away and leave it all behind, precisely because they DID think too much about the "happiness" of those they'd be leaving behind - and only at the point where they managed to reconcile (either through introspection, or through counselling, or through discussions with friends) the notion that everyone being stuck in an unhappy situation (an unresolved A) was not best for anyone, with a vision of potential happiness for themselves AND for the others, could they move forward in any way. And, once moving forward, happiness did indeed follow - not only for them, but for everyone else involved too. And, the moving forward has not been without introspection either. There has been plenty of that in all the people I've known in that situation. But pauses for reflection do not mean that they are unhappy, or that they have regrets, or wish things different. (Indeed, the only thing my H wishes different is that he'd never gotten involved with his xW in the first place!) Being happy, and being introspective, are not mutually exclusive. If anyone has any regrets in my own situation, it could only be the BxW. Everyone else is much happier and that includes the "most of society" you think are so concerned with the BxW. Everyone just wishes she'd move on and get the help she so clearly needs. I never said or insinuated that pauses for reflection meant that a person is unhappy. In fact, I didn't even say that it should lead them back to their betrayed spouse. I simply said that people that leave during the cheating tend to not be introspective types. They tend to repeat their behaviors again at later dates because they never addressed their own actions. Now, HAL said it was wrong, and that's all that ever reallyneeds to be said. It is in the past. It can't be undone. Especially if the WS is happier with the OP. That's the way the cookie crumbles and mature folks (us) can accept that. That's mostly waht I'm saying.
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