"Friendzoned" How To Proceed

[MagicRat09]

I'm slowly pulling away from her. Trying to be gentle about it. Fortunately I am extremely busy.

 

I feel a strange mixture of deep sadness, guilt and euphoria. I had a dream last night that I was screaming in the street.

[tigressA]

I would just quit talking to her and move on. Your whole relationship with her has been nothing but serious letdowns after high hopes. Like some other people here have said, I bet as soon as you do that she'll be bombarding you with her presence, wondering why you don't pay her any attention any more. And then you can "friendzone" her right back.

[MagicRat09]

I agree with you guys, though it makes me sad. It's one thing to just want to be friends, but she made it clear that she still wants boyfriend-level attention from me anyway. She wants the milk without buying the cow as they say. I can't allow that and maintain self-respect, and it will distract me from meeting new people and doing the things I enjoy. It has to be.

[paddington bear]

You know, it was only recently that I began to see the significance of a woman claiming no/few close girlfriends, and especially when she eschews women for various reasons. I think that has joined my list of red flags. A woman who can't/won't bond with other women is suspect to me now. Learning late is better than not at all, I guess

 

Ha ha! That one is a BIG red flag for me, I think a woman who cannot bond with other women is missing that crucial empathy for other females, so they feel no sense of remorse when they steal another woman's husband etc. Also they see other women as totally useless to them, they are not a man, they cannot get them a man and they are competition for men.

 

Magic rat this stupid girl is making you utterly miserable. Work out the % what percent of the time are you happy, what percent of the time are you confused, unhappy, jealous, miserable? I'm reckoning 90% miserable, 10% happy. When people make you that unhappy just remove yourself.

 

Stop replying to her emails etc, when at all possible avoid seeing her. If she demands to know why the change in your behaviour don't feel obliged to spill your guts to her - it won't change anything I'm afraid. Simply say 'I have my reasons and I don't care to share them with you right now' and let her wonder what happened. You'll be glad you got rid of her sooner rather than later - when she inevitably hooks up with some other guy right in front of your face and you're totally dropped you'll feel like an idiot for not realising sooner that she never had any intention of being with you and was simply stringing you along to get attention and your poor little heart will crack and break.

[monkey00]

Ha ha! That one is a BIG red flag for me, I think a woman who cannot bond with other women is missing that crucial empathy for other females, so they feel no sense of remorse when they steal another woman's husband etc. Also they see other women as totally useless to them, they are not a man, they cannot get them a man and they are competition for men.

 

I don't know how true that really is about women who don't have much or a lot of female friends. There are quite a number of girls who are just loners or don't want to associate with the collective cattiness of certain woman groups..and I'm friends with some of these types.

 

As for the OP, there should be a number of ways for him to escape the friends zone:

 

A) Seeing as how much time they spend together and how close they are, if he dropped off the face of the earth or became less available she would NOT be taking him for granted. I think cutting contact for a whole month, and calling her up and setting up a real date would probably work to his advantage.

 

B) Telling a woman how you feel works on some and not on others. Though you might have had better success if you made a move VS opening up. If she doesn't reciprocate fine, so be it. Chase other women and let it be known, in fact do it around her and ignore her, ask her to hook you up with some of her friends. In a situation like yours, it's important to be somewhat aloof. Jealousy will almost always work to your advantage.

 

C) STAY friends with her, tease her, make fun of her, be adventurous, be a little cocky. And don't always give her the attention of the day. And go about doing your own thing. And if the timing is right make a move.

 

I think what you're going through is good, you feel burned and eventually you'll feel resentment towards her. Which will lead you to doing one of the above.

[MagicRat09]

Thanks Monkey, A, B and C are already in effect! I appreciate the reinforcement--- you guys make it so clear what has to be done. It's the only way for a person to get their power back. That way I either move on or it works, it's win-win.

[D-Lish]

I'm getting pretty fed up now and I think I'm ready to move on. I saw this girl (reluctantly) this weekend for a birthday brunch and I felt myself getting more frustrated and exasperated. She was flirting with another guy and I caught her using some of the same lines she uses on me. "Wow! We're like soulmates, we're so connected!"

 

 

Oh no... please tell me she doesn't actually use the word "like" to bridge words.... That in itself is "like oh my gawd" a red flag.

 

The bottom line is that it isn't likely you'll progress out of the friend zone.

 

She does sound like an attention whore.

[MagicRat09]

Oh no... please tell me she doesn't actually use the word "like" to bridge words.... That in itself is "like oh my gawd" a red flag.

 

The bottom line is that it isn't likely you'll progress out of the friend zone.

 

She does sound like an attention whore.

 

Yes absolutely. The friend who introduced us even warned me about that. So I started out wary, but then conveniently lost my head.

 

The first time we hung out after "The Talk" was really fun. But the next 2 times were less so, I think I was starting to see more clearly. I took her off my Facebook news feed, stopped emailing her, and when she wrote or texted me I took longer to respond and kept my replies light and brief. I spent a week of No Contact, and then when she finally "blinked" and wrote me I could sense it was a case of "where's my attention?"

 

 

I think for me it's hard because I do truly care for her, and she's had a lot of emotional problems (her own admission) which she tends to broadcast on FB and MySpace etc. So now, if she's struggling, I don't know about it 'cause I don't look at her pages. So hopefully she's either ok or getting help from somewhere. I do worry but I have to disengage for my own wellbeing.

[Yamaha]

If you can I would treat her exactly like a friend. Don't do anything more for her then you would for a friend. In the end she will end the friendship because friendship is not what she really wants from you, she wants you at her beck and call. Then you won't feel guilty for ending a friendship that was just a lie.

[D-Lish]

Yes absolutely. The friend who introduced us even warned me about that. So I started out wary, but then conveniently lost my head.

 

The first time we hung out after "The Talk" was really fun. But the next 2 times were less so, I think I was starting to see more clearly. I took her off my Facebook news feed, stopped emailing her, and when she wrote or texted me I took longer to respond and kept my replies light and brief. I spent a week of No Contact, and then when she finally "blinked" and wrote me I could sense it was a case of "where's my attention?"

 

 

I think for me it's hard because I do truly care for her, and she's had a lot of emotional problems (her own admission) which she tends to broadcast on FB and MySpace etc. So now, if she's struggling, I don't know about it 'cause I don't look at her pages. So hopefully she's either ok or getting help from somewhere. I do worry but I have to disengage for my own wellbeing.

 

I think you're doing the right thing by backing off from her. I have learned through experience, people that surround themselves with drama make poor friends and lovers (high maintenance, almost always selfish).

 

Guaranteed- if you jumped in and tried to help her with her "emotional problems", you'd get sucked in and she'd drain you. I tend to believe there is something "off" about someone that is overly open about their emotional burdens.

 

I am betting that she isn't actually going through anything, rather that this is a way of life. She's learned having problems equals attention.

 

If it were me, and I heard the guy I liked using a line on another woman that he had used on me (we're soulmates, I feel a deep connection)- I'd lose all my respect for them.

 

Honestly, it sounds as if you've dodged a bullet here!

[MagicRat09]

If it were me, and I heard the guy I liked using a line on another woman that he had used on me (we're soulmates, I feel a deep connection)- I'd lose all my respect for them.

 

Honestly, it sounds as if you've dodged a bullet here!

 

 

 

You know, that was the moment when everything changed for me. Before that I felt, well she doesn't want to date me, but we still have this deep wonderful connection. Then I heard THAT. And I realized she'd flirt with an end table if she thought it would feed her need for attention. Dark moment there.

[D-Lish]

You know, that was the moment when everything changed for me. Before that I felt, well she doesn't want to date me, but we still have this deep wonderful connection. Then I heard THAT. And I realized she'd flirt with an end table if she thought it would feed her need for attention. Dark moment there.

 

I have had similar defining moments. You idealize someone in a certain way and they do something that completely changes your perception.

[MagicRat09]

I want to share something with everyone that I just found. It is one of the best things I ever read on this subject and it may very well, for me, be the last word.

 

http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2007/12/29/1229-tftd-when-the-person-you-love-doesnt-love-you/

[MagicRat09]

Thinking I'm gonna be needin' a No Contact buddy!

 

 

What's bothering me most is, I thought that she and I had a special connection at least as friends. And now I'm seeing that even that may not be true, the way that she latches on to people and gives them the "we're soulmates" speech. It's actually women and men both. She evidently does this with every new person she meets that will give her attention.

 

Of course the one that she REALLY wants and longs for, the ex-BF, was the one who called her on it and put her in her place.

 

Hmm....

[WTRanger]

I feel your pain. I'm going through the exact same progress as you are. Though, I just did the move so now I've got 2,000 miles between us. However, that doesn't help the thoughts in my head. There are just so many unanswered questions that I'd like to know. I can't understand why people can act like that and think nothing of it. How do they look at themselves in the mirror every morning and be happy with what they see?

 

Somehow you've got to let go. But it sucks at the same time because she was a cool friend and an important part of your life. It's not like you can cast that to the side with little thought. But you have to. You have to start seeing her in a negative way. Realize that the true person is the one she's shown through her ACTIONS and not her words. Though in my case, her actions conflict her actions, her words conflict her words and her actions conflict her words. Yes, confusing indeed which is why I'm ready to pull my hair out.

 

For the most part the days are fine. It's just the mornings and the time of night right before you go to sleep, when everything is quiet, that's the hard times with my thoughts. But think of all of the garbage she's putting you through. Would a true friend do all of that?

[MagicRat09]

"it is awfully easy to be hardboiled about everything in the day time, but at night it is another thing."

Hemingway, The Sun Also Rises.

 

 

One of the ultimate "Friendzone" Novels. Jake Barnes was wounded in WW1 and rendered impotent. He endures physically what every "friendzoned" person has had done to them emotionally and symbolically. He can only be a friend to the woman he loves, so he does so and cries himself to sleep at night.

[MagicRat09]

But think of all of the garbage she's putting you through. Would a true friend do all of that?

 

I think people like this take whatever they want when it's made available to them. So all we can do is turn our backs. If they change, fine; if not, well, we're not looking at them anymore are we

[carhill]

Yep, lifestyles of the broken and damaged, sucking the life out of every decent person they meet

[WTRanger]

I highly doubt these people are going to change anytime soon. As far as the girl in my case is concerned, she's a perfect angel that get's screwed over by life because she's always looking out for people. It's not that she causes it, oh heavens no. It's not that her "friends" are never there for her in the bad times because they know her well enough that she won't be there for them in the bad times either. So they don't bother with her BS. They wait for the storm to pass and they all get back together as "good times only" friends.

 

I have no room in my life for people that shallow. Right now, I'm deeply rooted in the pissed off stage, which is a hard stage to be in. On one hand, I do miss my friend which that is in direct conflict of who I see this person is now. It's the age old battle of what's in your head versus what's being shown to your eyes.

 

The last straw for me, like you, was birthday related. I remembered her birthday with a simple phone call and a simple gift, nothing elaborate but it was a gift that only someone who paid attention to her a few months back would think that it would mean a lot to her. She seemed extremely grateful and very happy, but those where her words. The very next day, which just happened to be my birthday, I got no call, no text, no email, nothing from her. She ignored/forgot my birthday, her actions. So what do I believe? Her actions of course, but since they are in direct conflict with her words it's melting my mind. My mind does not want to believe my eyes.

 

Before I left, I told her how I felt (for the 2nd time, so it's no surprise to her and even before I told her the first time my actions clearly dictated I was interested as more than friends) and of course she doesn't respond as usual. If I ever bring it up as to why she can't give me an answer I get either the "I don't know what to say" or the "I haven't begun to think about what I'd say" and it's usually prefaced by something about being too busy with work to even start to think about her personal life and that this is all too stressful for her at the moment. Yes, it's like she's the only one with stress and the rest of the world is dancing around the f*cking may pole.

 

So I've gone cold turkey on her. I'm testing her ability to contact me. I've always been the initiator of contact and she's always been a great responder, so I've stopped. I'm done with it. We'll see if she ever gets a hold of me, so far we're at 2 weeks. It's still hard, I still habitually check my email. But the more I get settled in my new place and meet new people the farther she gets pushed from my mind. I've just got to meet someone to take her place on the ladder and knock her down a few rungs and eventually off the ladder completely. I know I was high on her ladder, but it was the "chumps I can take advantage of" ladder.

 

I don't know what the future holds for these people and how they'll fit into our lives, but right now it's the present and they don't deserve the attention we are feeding them.

 

I've got a question though Magicrat, the girl in your case. Is she an only child?

[MagicRat09]

Thanks for your thoughts Ranger i sympathize completely and I'm sorry for what you're going through.

 

She has a younger brother but he's moved out and she lives with her parents (she's in her thirties). She acts like a teenager, which was cute at first. Now not so much.

[WTRanger]

I was just curious. I had read somewhere that sometimes if a person is an only child they are accustomed to being the center of attention and there fore have a harder time grasping the concept of reciprocation.

 

It sucks now, but one day we'll look back and we'll be proud of what we did. It's all for the best in the long run. Is it wrong to hope that one day these people finally realize what they did and when they come begging to us we can get extreme joy in just turning our backs on them?

 

Think about this though. If these people are/were this goofy as just friends. How could you have ever really dated one of them without going insane?

[MagicRat09]

Think about this though. If these people are/were this goofy as just friends. How could you have ever really dated one of them without going insane?

 

 

Good point. And I have dated some of these types, and yeah wow it was rough at times!

 

What I'm feeling most of all right now? Guilt. For turning away from someone who wants a friendship. But it's just not healthy for me. I feel used and it hurts way too much to be with her and NOT be with her, y'know?

 

As I told my therapist, I feel like I'm looking for someone to give me permission--to go little or no contact. To put myself first. To move on.

[WTRanger]

I don't think it's easy to phase a person out of your life. But you have to see them for what they are doing to you. They are a part of our past, we had spent great times with them and we should never forget that. Who knows? They may be part of our future too. But this is the present, and the only way we can get our minds back online is to push them aside a little bit. If we think it's harsh, look what they did to us. It's like an M-80 versus an Atomic Bomb!