fab1 Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 Hi, I have never opted for this kind of help before but I fear I can not make the right decision on my own. I am currently on the brink of ending my 12 year marriage/relationship and I just don't know if what I am feeling is normal or not? Its difficult because my husband is my child hood sweetheart, the man I saw my future with and was so proud to be with. After dating for 6 years and living together I finished my degree and began working as a teacher full time. At this point he had an affair, well mainly a sex thing, which I found out about. I was heartbroken! We managed to put this down to a one off......or so i thought. We got married and had a daughter who is now amost 3. Since the first affair I have found numerous girls numbers with £170 moble bills, photos and videos of other girls. Exactly a year ago he came to me one night and said he was leaving me. Which he did and moved in with another women for 3 weeks. In this time I changed my name by deedpoll, saw a solicitior and changed all the locks. He did come back and said he wanted me back and after seeking marriage councilling we are still together. This brings me to present day......We both wanted things to work at councilling but one thing that is a huge problem is intimate time. All the times he cheated was when he felt he was getting no attention from me. I work full time and have a 2 year old....sex is the last thing on my mind. I am affraid I have lost the sparkle we had, the flutter in my tummy when he touched me. Have I just grown apart from him? Have I just realsied I want more from life? I have told himt he truth how i feel and I have suggested I see the counciller again. For 12 years I have stood by him and been broken hearted...have I been scared now? Is it over or will the feeling s come back? Please If anyone can give me some advice? Thanks so much
wuggle Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 If you have already been to MC then all needn't be lost, at least there is or was the will to address some of these problems. A book it might be worth you buying from amazon etc is "His Needs, Her Needs" , this basically tries to get through to couples the idea that you each have differing needs and whilst you may think you are meeting each others needs, you might be meeting the wrong ones. Definitely worth a read, ideally both of you. Good luck, I know it's tough.
Author fab1 Posted April 16, 2009 Author Posted April 16, 2009 Thanks for that. I have heard a bit about that before....men and women having different needs. It seems very logical actually and I will defo look into it. Thanks
Shehe Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 I am sorry you are going through this situation. In addition to the book that was recommended to you I would suggest reading a couple of articles that might be able to help you as well: Keeping Love Alive During Marriage Crisis and Can Sex Truly Save your Marriage?. I will definitively revisit the idea of counseling again. Do you want work things out with your husband?
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Do you want work things out with your husband? This is the key question. By the sound of your post you are not sure how bad you want to save the marriage. Perhaps you resent his infidelity, and would like the opportunity to be with other men (but alas you are not a cheater)? Be honest... The butterflies in the stomach, the tingle, and sparkle - those fade with time in most any relationship - it is the deep love, the desire to be together, and the willingness to sacrifice to be together, that can last. Even those feelings sometimes seems to fade and comes back for some couples. We have 5 kids, and though she does not put the same priority on sex that I do, she has learned to increase her desire just a little for me, and in turn, I have learned to relax a little and now prefer better quality sex as opposed to a greater quantity of sex. I just want to leave you with the fact that it can certainly work if you truly want it to... Good luck to you and your family!
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