mistresswchildren Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 So, I have been with my new single BF for about five months now. He is amazing and sweet. He loves my kids by the MM. I am just now realizing that I am pushing away because the emotional attachment that came with the MM is nearly non-existent with him. How do you move from the intensity that you had in an affair to a "normal" healthy relationship? Maybe, I am just damaged goods, but I keep feeling that this affair has shaped the rest of my life (besides the fact that I have kids with him). I am unsure what this new territory is supposed to be like. Don't get me wrong, I realize that every person and every relationship is different, but I find myself helping to create chaos rather than rejecting it in every way shape and form. I do not want the MM back at all, but I do realize that some of what we had was what I want in a healthy relationship. I want us to adore each other (not because what we have is forbidden), but I cannot figure out if that is not happening because he is choosing it or if it is because I will not open up enough to be in complete adoration of this unbelievable man. If any one can help me with these answers, I would be entirely grateful!!!!!!
OWoman Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 So, I have been with my new single BF for about five months now. He is amazing and sweet. He loves my kids by the MM. I am just now realizing that I am pushing away because the emotional attachment that came with the MM is nearly non-existent with him. How do you move from the intensity that you had in an affair to a "normal" healthy relationship? Maybe, I am just damaged goods, but I keep feeling that this affair has shaped the rest of my life (besides the fact that I have kids with him). I am unsure what this new territory is supposed to be like. Don't get me wrong, I realize that every person and every relationship is different, but I find myself helping to create chaos rather than rejecting it in every way shape and form. I do not want the MM back at all, but I do realize that some of what we had was what I want in a healthy relationship. I want us to adore each other (not because what we have is forbidden), but I cannot figure out if that is not happening because he is choosing it or if it is because I will not open up enough to be in complete adoration of this unbelievable man. If any one can help me with these answers, I would be entirely grateful!!!!!! MWC, I'm guessing here, so correct e if I' wrong, but... probably the reason you landed up with this SG was because he was different in key ways fro your xMM. Because of the history with xMM, and the aversion you developed toward him, you'd likely have been looking actively for different characteristics in a potential SO. So now that things are settling down with the SG, you're suddenly looking at him and wondering why things are not (more) like they were with MM. Well... because that was what you chose, at the time! It may be that you're realising now that actually, what you REALLY want is more like xMM and less like SG, and that SG has served a very useful but ultimately transitory purpose as your "rebound guy", and you're now ready to move on to something a little more sustainable. Or it could be that your R with xMM is still so deeply programmed into your idea of what a R "should be like" that you're having a hard time accepting that what you have with SG - without all the drama - really is Lurve. I wouldn't stress too much about it either way. There's no timeline you're working to on these things; Rs develop in their own way in their own time. Unless he's putting pressure on you to take it to some other level, there's no reason even to think too deeply about it at this stage. Just live it, enjoy it, and see where it goes. If, one day, you wake up and think, this isn't going where I want it to - you'll know it's time to walk away. OTOH, you may wake up one day with songbirds in your heart and just KNOW that it's what you want what you really really want. And either way, it's OK. It's your life and you get to choose what you want to do.
OpenBook Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 It could be as simple as he's just not doing it for you. But I wonder if you are still addicted to the high of your MM and that intense attention he gave you. It's a horrible thing to have to wean yourself off of that. The best way to do it, IME, is to believe in yourself. Start by talking positively to yourself - you are beautiful, you are enough, you bring a lot to the table. (And quit beating yourself up over the MM. Stop it, I know you're doing it!) And whatever you do, be kind to your BF (no matter how you feel about him!). He also has a history, just like you. To be mean to someone who is good and kind is the worst kind of karma, in my book.
DNU1 Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 Pick up a book called "his needs, her needs" by Dr. Harley. Great information about relationships and what makes them tick / what it takes to get that "romantic love" back in your life, etc. You can find it @ marriage builders *dot* com. Lots of great information on that site. Have a look...I'll bet you find what you are looking for. That said, are you completely honest with your new BF? Tell him exactly what you are thinking here, be radically honest with him. Explore what your needs are in a relationship and what specifically you need from him. Build the foundation for a great relationship. And consider this...you may still be suffering through the withdrawal of your MM. Takes a long time to get over one that you had a relationship with. Think about it and head over to marriage builders site. Take care, D.
jwi71 Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 I think it is simply a case of this SG isn't the one for you. 5 months and you aren't feeling it anymore...time to let him go. Be honest with him...but not cruel. What I find more alarming is this "wonderful intensity with xMM". To me, from what is written...you haven't completely moved on from the xMM. Maybe its time for some more "alone" time to reflect, heal, learn, accept THEN try dating. And I'll repeat what I said months ago when you first came here with the new bf...NO bf should meet your kids until at least a calendar year has passed in your exclusive monogamous R with him. Now your children will have to say goodbye to this man and they may not fully understand why...its a bad behaviour to model for them...the constant stream of bf's you bring home (over time if the pattern continues). NOT attacking you...just want to remind you that there are four little eyes watching you and learning EVERYTHING you do...kinda reminds me of this poem I just decided to add: A careful man I want to be, A little fellow follows me; I do not dare to go astray, For fear he'll go the selfsame way. I cannot once escape his eyes, What'er he sees me do, he tries; Like me he says he's going to be, The little chap who follows me. He thinks that I am good and fine, Believes in every work of mine; The base in me he must not see, The little chap who follows me. I must remember as I go, Through summer's sun and winter's snow; I'm building for the years to be That little chap who follows me
NoIDidn't Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 Damaged goods? Aren't we all? Don't put yourself down in that way. I am of two thoughts on this. 1. Only five months in and you're feeling this way? Maybe he's not the one. 2. Or maybe you guys have been moving too fast and need to slow things down. Either way, slowing down is in order.
wildsoul Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 Don't pathologize yourself or you might make bad decisions in trying to fix something that might not be broken. Let me give you an example of a mistake I made, lest you be doing the same thing. A decade ago, I was finally free of a relationship gone bad. My boyfriend of 2 years still made me swoon, but put me through the emotional ringer. He blew hot/cold. He was cheating on me. I was all caught up in cycles of intense positivity and negativity with him. Addicted to it. Hard as hell to get out and stay out. The 6 mos following, I dated and wanted the TOTAL opposite. I figured that my picker was completely broken. If someone was attracted to me, or me them, then I assumed it MUST be because it was dysfuntional. Give me a nice, slow building, relationship. So many married people say that "true love" is gentle. It's not an overwhelming feeling. Yada yada. I met the man who was to become my husband. Didn't sleep with him for 3 months. Took it very slow. Developed friendship first. Our relationship was more about compatibility and spiritual values. So easy after my last one! I did heal myself a lot. He was stable and that was good for me. But in the grand scheme of things: I made a big mistake. In my efforts to choose a low-drama relationship, I made sure there was no swoony sparks. I was playing it too safe. I was able to take it SO slow because I wasn't really attracted to him. Sex was very ho-hum. As sexual attraction usually wanes, what was luke warm to begin with evaporated entirely. I tried everything, but we really weren't compatable. 3 therapists and a divorce later, I see that I over-corrected by choosing him. It's possible that you have some big block against "true love." But please don't force yourself to stay with him out of a sense of prooving that "this time, I'll get it right." Slow it all down. Give yourself and him a chance, but it might not be that there is something WRONG with you OR him. Maybe it's just that he's not your lifetime love, but a sweet short-term one.
GreenEyedLady Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 MWC: I'm very happy to see you moving forward. But I have to agree that this man is probably just your transition guy. You should have a partner that you adore. You just have to be open to it and find him. Believe me, if you don't feel it for this guy by now, you never will. And if you want a passion-filled R you can have it, just not with this one. There's nothing wrong with you. I just think that you're over-thinking it and still punishing yourself. You need to accept that you made not so good choices and try to make better ones in the future. Life is too short to beat yourself up over and over for years. Your children love you, YOU NEED TO LOVE YOURSELF. GEL
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