penner Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 I had an affair for a month with a woman in a local club I belonged to. My wife of 8 yrs found out about 15 weeks ago. I ended it about a week before she found out, but had continued contact for several days after. We had intercourse twice in the month and only had a realtionship for about two and a half weeks.At the time I though I wanted a divorce and did not want to be married anymore. I've since come to the realization that I'm still in with love her and could never live without her.I messed up by only giving her bits and pieces over the course of the first month after she found out. Now,everything I say is a lie and she believes that there is always more to the story. I don't blame her for thinking this way or obsessing about everything, but I need to help her. I've been a rounder most of our marriage and gave her a lot of heartache.I've always loved her,I just have not always loved her well. I need to help her. She is my everything. How can I help her. I wish I could take it back, but I can't. Please share your thoughts with me ON HOW I CAN HELP HER, not with how horrible I am...I already know that. Thanks for any help that you could give me. Thanks...
troubadour Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 Please share your thoughts with me ON HOW I CAN HELP HER... Just divorce her and leave her alone. You don't deserve her... it is really that simple. But I will take a sophisticated guess that it is not what you wanted to hear, is it?
Author penner Posted April 16, 2009 Author Posted April 16, 2009 Please share your thoughts with me ON HOW I CAN HELP HER... Just divorce her and leave her alone. You don't deserve her... it is really that simple. But I will take a sophisticated guess that it is not what you wanted to hear, is it? Why does everyone in this world act like they are perfect and are in a position to pass judgement on me? Some people do want to work it out. If you don't want to answer the question I posted please just save your judgement for jury duty.
desertmoon Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 oh...Penner...brace yourself...this is going to be a bumpy ride, some people here are very tough and do not sugarcoat but one thing I noticed, they are not as hard on men than on women who cheat, IMO. So, consider yourself a bit lucky. Keep on posting! Hope you will find help and answers here.
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 You want to hear some honest truth??? Okay then. Well.. you suck! and now that that's out of the way, the thing to do is start by going NC with the OW immediately if that means staying out of your so called social club circle than so be it! You have to show your wife in your actions that you are worthy of forgiveness, you already made alot of mistakes! Cutting off the affair and yet still continuing contact is still being involved in the affair. That also means IC to figure out what's wrong with you and MC to fix your marriage. You also have to plan A your wife and work towards being a better man. That means roses, romance, the whole nine yards. That's just what I think I could be wrong.
Author penner Posted April 16, 2009 Author Posted April 16, 2009 Thank you...I'm in IC an MC. We're trying. I just want to help her. I appreciate your honesty.
Athena Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 You can help her by asking her what she wants to know, and then giving her truthful answers. You can help by apologizing to her once in a while (not too often, not only once). You must be patient with her, her sense of reality and trust has been shattered... it's going to take TIME for her to see you really are trustworthy. Don't have unaccounted for time away from her, don't give her reason to wonder where you are. How do you know you won't be back to another affair after she begins to trust you? I ask you because I am still married to a man who has cheated on me several times... every time I felt 'safe' with him, he'd just do it again... now I make sure I don't ever fully trust him.
Just Angel Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 total disclosure will help a bit. ~Give your wife all the passwords to your accts, access to any phone bills, keep your time away accountable to her. ~She will obsess and disbelieve and mistrust you for a very long time. Giving her unbelievable amounts of patience will go a very long way. ~Tell her in what ways you have failed to love her properly. ~Tell her what is different in you that she can (in time) rebuild trust. ~Answer any and all questions. (she will ask the same ones over and over) ~Look at this from her perspective. Her whole world just changed color. Your choices is making her question her place and beliefs in life. An affair is soo much heavier and intense than just the loss of trust in your partner. ~Keep an open journal/letter to her. every day write a small note. Write down your thoughts,fears, hopes, regrets. Write what you love about her, changes you are making in yourself, steps you will take to help her heal, etc. Let her know you are doing this for her to read. Invite her to write too if she wishes. 'We had intercourse twice in the month and only had a realtionship for about two and a half weeks." Drop the "only" as it trivializes/minimizes. Pray.
jwi71 Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 I had an affair for a month with a woman in a local club I belonged to. My wife of 8 yrs found out about 15 weeks ago. I ended it about a week before she found out, but had continued contact for several days after. We had intercourse twice in the month and only had a realtionship for about two and a half weeks. How long ago was this? How long since you were busted? At the time I though I wanted a divorce and did not want to be married anymore. I've since come to the realization that I'm still in with love her and could never live without her. I strongly suggest you lose that thought process as you MAY be facing life without her. And that's her choice. I messed up by only giving her bits and pieces over the course of the first month after she found out. Now,everything I say is a lie and she believes that there is always more to the story. I don't blame her for thinking this way or obsessing about everything, but I need to help her. I've been a rounder most of our marriage and gave her a lot of heartache. Well you will have to forgive her for thinking everything is a lie since that's exactly what you were doing - not only by betraying her but then lying about it after the fact. Her reactions are perfectly normal - and so are yours tbh. What you have to do is be completely open and honest. Your life is an open book. You have NO privacy. Like above, you lose your cell phone, you divulge any and all emails, you hand out all IM Accounts and passwords...all of it. Your W asks you a question, you answer it with 100% percent complete and open honesty. All you can do is hope that you haven't already killed the M. Again, that's her choice. I've always loved her,I just have not always loved her well. I need to help her. She is my everything. How can I help her. I wish I could take it back, but I can't. Please share your thoughts with me ON HOW I CAN HELP HER, not with how horrible I am...I already know that. Thanks for any help that you could give me. Thanks... All you can do has already been said. You lost privacy, you are an open book for the rest of days. You go to IC and work on whatever character flaws contributed to your A. You go to MC and work on your M. And hope and pray that your W finds the courage to trust you again. And if you really want to know how to help her...ask her. Then ask her friends. And ask her father. And her siblings. Ask your parents. Ask your preacher. ASK the people who know and love her how you can help her.
stampdaddy Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 I've been sitting on this for a while and something just sticks out to me: "Help HER with what???" It just comes across like SHE has the problem and needs "help". I am sure I am missing something, but, it just doesnt sound right to me. YOU are the one that needs HELP. You are the "rounder". YOU are the one that cheated. YOU are the one that lied/lies/will continue to lie. The "help" I think you should be looking for is as JW171 said, get ready for life without her. It doesnt sound like you are too worried about that. OR, you would be screaming HELP ME...
Snowflower Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 total disclosure will help a bit. ~Give your wife all the passwords to your accts, access to any phone bills, keep your time away accountable to her. ~She will obsess and disbelieve and mistrust you for a very long time. Giving her unbelievable amounts of patience will go a very long way. ~Tell her in what ways you have failed to love her properly. ~Tell her what is different in you that she can (in time) rebuild trust. ~Answer any and all questions. (she will ask the same ones over and over) ~Look at this from her perspective. Her whole world just changed color. Your choices is making her question her place and beliefs in life. An affair is soo much heavier and intense than just the loss of trust in your partner. ~Keep an open journal/letter to her. every day write a small note. Write down your thoughts,fears, hopes, regrets. Write what you love about her, changes you are making in yourself, steps you will take to help her heal, etc. Let her know you are doing this for her to read. Invite her to write too if she wishes. 'We had intercourse twice in the month and only had a realtionship for about two and a half weeks." Drop the "only" as it trivializes/minimizes. Pray. This is spot on. Good advice! OP - I was pretty much feeling a few months ago like your wife does now and what you have posted here sounds somewhat similar to what my husband said in the beginning. Have cut off all communication with the OW? Your marriage doesn't stand a chance if you continue to have ANY contact. DO NOT trivialize the A. Yes, it was for a short duration but the damage will be long-lasting as far as your wife is concerned. I'm glad to hear you are in IC/MC. No matter what happens to your marriage, you and your wife will both need to understand why the A occurred. Counseling will go a long way in helping you both understand. Good luck to you...you are in for a long, hard road ahead. Recovering a marriage will take courage and strength from both you and your wife.
whichwayisup Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 You need to figure out why you cheated on your wife in the first place and also why you've treated her poorly over the years.. Some people do want to work it out You may want to work it out, but does your wife? What have YOU done to prove to her that you're worthy of second chance? TO prove your trust and faith, to show her that you have changed? It's good you're in counselling, both MC and IC, but until she sees ACTION and changes in your own behaviour, sees your honesty, this is more YOUR problelm than your wife's. Fix you, fix what's broken inside, and hopefully if your wife is willing to forgive you and work through the feelings of hurt, your betrayal and lies, maybe things will get better. I just hope that you are NOT in contact with the OW at all. If you're still into the OW or in contact with her, marriage counselling is pointless.
2sure Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 The other poster's have given you good advice - and since myself and many of the others have been BS - you should seriously consider it. One thing that was difficult for me to handle with my husband was that he couldnt tell me WHY he did it. In retrospect, I realize he didnt know himself. But I can tell you that at the time his answers of : I'm an awful person, I dont know why I did it....made me insane. I would have preferred to hear that there was something wrong with the marriage, or me, or that he was missing something....all of those things would still have made me crazy - But that "I don't know " crap is just that and gets you no where towards recovery.
bentnotbroken Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 I have a problem with the OP's title. THIS TIME I HAVE HURT HER MORE THAN SHE LOVES ME. What does this mean? Have you betrayed her trust before? Been physical, emotional or mentally abusive to her? This time sets my spidey senses tingling.
stampdaddy Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 I have a problem with the OP's title. THIS TIME I HAVE HURT HER MORE THAN SHE LOVES ME. What does this mean? Have you betrayed her trust before? Been physical, emotional or mentally abusive to her? This time sets my spidey senses tingling. What? you're "tingly"? The Daddy can help you with that...
bentnotbroken Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 What? you're "tingly"? The Daddy can help you with that... Why you bad, bad D*A*D*D*Y
Molley Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 so, for how long did you want to end the marriage and get a divorce? Does your wife know that you wanted out? If so that's additional stress you placed on her and you need to be sensitive to her needs, she's very fragile. Good luck to you both... it's a lot to overcome.
MrsHellnofires Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 You're lucky she's going to any sort of counseling with the likes of you. You should also be seeing your own shrink.
confusedinkansas Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Please share your thoughts with me ON HOW I CAN HELP HER... Just divorce her and leave her alone. You don't deserve her... it is really that simple. :rolleyes:WHY on earth is THAT always the answer in this LS Forum? I will NEVER understand that. I'd say....Be sweet to her. Be HONEST AT ALL COSTS with her. When you say you love her...mean it with all your heart. Give her time to heal.
Apple_juice Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 I messed up by only giving her bits and pieces over the course of the first month after she found out. Now,everything I say is a lie and she believes that there is always more to the story. I don't blame her for thinking this way or obsessing about everything.. You did what my husband did (bits and pieces if not more lies to cover the other lies). And i feel exactly the same way as your wife..I wish as much as you do, that there is a cure .. I've always loved her,I just have not always loved her well. I need to help her. She is my everything. How can I help her. I wish I could take it back, but I can't. Please share your thoughts with me ON HOW I CAN HELP HER, not with how horrible I am...I already know that. Thanks for any help that you could give me. Thanks... At the time I though I wanted a divorce and did not want to be married anymore. I've since come to the realization that I'm still in with love her and could never live without her. Why don't you show her this post? I wished my husband would have written something like this. If she sees that you are desperate enough to go online to find a solution, i hope she'll also see your sincere effort in trying to mend things up.. (unless if she doesn't give a damn anymore)
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