Desperate for a closure ..

[RainyNight]

Hi

I don't know if anybody here has gone through the same feelings & thoughts I'm having now .

I've reached to a state of an acceptance of our breakup , but It still hurts me awefully that I never had a closure & we never said goodbye .

People do the mistake of begging their ex-s to be back , what I'm doing is almost begging him to give our great relationship a decent closure .

For those who didn't read my story , in short , it was a LDR , he was so Mr.right, & I was the lady of his dreams as he said, I was reluctant & afraid especially in the beginning , I used to talk my fears out loudly to share them with him & get his support to overcome them & most of the time he succeded , my heart grew fonder & fonder of him every day & my fears eased away . One day we had a small argument about a very minor thing that's almost not related to our relationship , he said (ok) & I never heard from him again . I never saw it coming . Out of the blues . Like all the lines connecting me to life were suddenly cut . When I realized that he was never coming back again I almost stopped breathing . Then I had my senses coming back again , one after another , day after day .

I accepted to live with the pain of lonliness & felt so much peace & relief .

Only one thing kept hurting badly , an open wound craving a closure .

One day I saw him online on skype, I called , he didn't answer.

I sent him IMs just saying hi & asking about his family initially adressing him formally . I told him then that I know the obstacles got in our way & I realize how much pain he's going through & it's what causing his silence . I asked him to have the courage to get over his fears as he used to teach me & get out of silence & just say ( Goodby ) just to give our past relationship a decent closure . I told him that I will always remember our good times & I may tell them to my grandchildren as a fairytale . I tried to sound cheerful & accepting . All what I wanted was a closure . & All what I got was a silent treatment .

 

What's wrong here ? I can't see it clearly through tears .

It was me who ruined such a relationship with my reluctance & I deserve this punishment of silent treatment?

It was a normal argument that in a healthy relationship should've been dealt with in a more mature way or at least ended peacefully with a decent ending ?

Is this the silent treatment that's a form of emotional abuse ?

 

I dont know

[Darkness7]

Hi

I don't know if anybody here has gone through the same feelings & thoughts I'm having now .

I've reached to a state of an acceptance of our breakup , but It still hurts me awefully that I never had a closure & we never said goodbye .

People do the mistake of begging their ex-s to be back , what I'm doing is almost begging him to give our great relationship a decent closure .

For those who didn't read my story , in short , it was a LDR , he was so Mr.right, & I was the lady of his dreams as he said, I was reluctant & afraid especially in the beginning , I used to talk my fears out loudly to share them with him & get his support to overcome them & most of the time he succeded , my heart grew fonder & fonder of him every day & my fears eased away . One day we had a small argument about a very minor thing that's almost not related to our relationship , he said (ok) & I never heard from him again . I never saw it coming . Out of the blues . Like all the lines connecting me to life were suddenly cut . When I realized that he was never coming back again I almost stopped breathing . Then I had my senses coming back again , one after another , day after day .

I accepted to live with the pain of lonliness & felt so much peace & relief .

Only one thing kept hurting badly , an open wound craving a closure .

One day I saw him online on skype, I called , he didn't answer.

I sent him IMs just saying hi & asking about his family initially adressing him formally . I told him then that I know the obstacles got in our way & I realize how much pain he's going through & it's what causing his silence . I asked him to have the courage to get over his fears as he used to teach me & get out of silence & just say ( Goodby ) just to give our past relationship a decent closure . I told him that I will always remember our good times & I may tell them to my grandchildren as a fairytale . I tried to sound cheerful & accepting . All what I wanted was a closure . & All what I got was a silent treatment .

 

What's wrong here ? I can't see it clearly through tears .

It was me who ruined such a relationship with my reluctance & I deserve this punishment of silent treatment?

It was a normal argument that in a healthy relationship should've been dealt with in a more mature way or at least ended peacefully with a decent ending ?

Is this the silent treatment that's a form of emotional abuse ?

 

I dont know

 

I am so sorry you are going through this! I can just feel your pain by reading this and I can empathise with what you are going through, my ex fiancee did the same. No closure. I know it hurts so much not knowing what's going on and what he is thinking, but you can't force him to give you an 'explanation' if he is not ready to. Maybe he is confused and feeling hurt himself and can't think rationally and therefore doesn't have any answers for you since he doesn't even know what he wants. No one 'deserves' the silent treatment as a punishment and I feel people do it to challenge the other person, they want to trigger a reaction from them.

[Bluebird In My Heart]

I don't believe in "closure".

 

You will have to come to terms with it on your own, I'm afraid.

 

It doesn't matter what the person might be thinking about. Trying to figure that out will only serve to keep you bound to the past. This is the last thing you need right now.

 

You don't need anything from this person - certainly not "desperately". They have nothing to say that would make it better, and can do/say, or neglect to do/say...a whole lot to make it worse.

 

They have no power over you. Don't give them that level of importance in your mind.

 

Turn your mind to yourself.

 

Love yourself.

[twicebitten]

...EMPATHIZE with you!! I received no CLOSURE either from my ex!!! I found his 'slient treatment' torture and I learned it's a form of ostrisizing (SP??) a person!!

 

I agree with above that you'll have to find your own closure, as THEY rarely give it, or not it in truth-entirety!!

 

Hang in there & HEAL yourself!

 

XO - TB -

[Cora]

My story is so similar it's like we are almost dealing with the exact same guy!! The only difference is we ended on a good note or so I thought. After he told me he loved me I never heard from him again and he made it almost impossible for me to get in contact with him. I will never understand his silence and I am still trying to come to terms with the fact that I will probably never get my closure. It sucks sooo much!!! He is not the man I once knew and never will be. The man I knew or thought I knew would never do this. The man I knew would have the decency to say it's over and not just disappear and give me this silent treatment. Funny thing is I always made him promise me that if he ever wanted to end the relationship to let me know and not just go away with no goodbye. I told him disappearing on me would hurt me more than his honesty. So maybe he is being spiteful who knows? I def know how you feel!

[RainyNight]

I am so sorry you are going through this! I can just feel your pain by reading this and I can empathise with what you are going through, my ex fiancee did the same. No closure. I know it hurts so much not knowing what's going on and what he is thinking, but you can't force him to give you an 'explanation' if he is not ready to. Maybe he is confused and feeling hurt himself and can't think rationally and therefore doesn't have any answers for you since he doesn't even know what he wants. No one 'deserves' the silent treatment as a punishment and I feel people do it to challenge the other person, they want to trigger a reaction from them.

Thanks Darkness ,,

I dont want an explanation . Just something like ( Goodbye ) . We werent just lovers , we were freinds too .

And if he is going thru pain then I already told him I understand that , I offered him help to get him out of silence & give our past relationship a decent ending .

Thank u for your empathy . It helps when there are people out there understand our pains .

[RainyNight]

I don't believe in "closure".

 

You will have to come to terms with it on your own, I'm afraid.

 

It doesn't matter what the person might be thinking about. Trying to figure that out will only serve to keep you bound to the past. This is the last thing you need right now.

 

You don't need anything from this person - certainly not "desperately". They have nothing to say that would make it better, and can do/say, or neglect to do/say...a whole lot to make it worse.

 

They have no power over you. Don't give them that level of importance in your mind.

 

Turn your mind to yourself.

 

Love yourself.

Thanks Bluebird

I'm 29 . It's not the first relationship in my life. My previous ex ended it for another woman when he was so ill & she was the one around , but at least he had the guts to apologize , explain , & say Goodbye . Although it was merely an e-mail , but it was enough for me . I maturely accepted it & I moved on . ce la vie !

I dont want a session of discussing why it happened or waht should've happened , I just want a decent ( Goodbye) .

That's how things should go between grownups . That's why this behaviour of silent treatment just shocked me , I found it very disrespectful, painful & cruel .

Yes u r right , I shouldnt need anything from him . I will try .

Thanks alot

[Darkness7]

Thanks Darkness ,,

I dont want an explanation . Just something like ( Goodbye ) . We werent just lovers , we were freinds too .

And if he is going thru pain then I already told him I understand that , I offered him help to get him out of silence & give our past relationship a decent ending .

Thank u for your empathy . It helps when there are people out there understand our pains .

 

Same here RainyNight. My ex fiancee was also my best friend, so I know how you feel. I hope it all works out for you.

[BCCA]

The problem with what you want is that expectations become premeditated resentments. He's never going to say what you want to hear, and truth be told, I've found that the people who SHOULD be sorry for what they did rarely actually are. And people are total cowards these days, all you get is BS and they wont say it to your face.

 

The most you'll get is a half assed, 'well im sorry you feel that way, but...' which is just going to piss you off and make you regret even bothering with him.

 

As someone said, closure comes from within. You'll be ok, who cares if you say goodbye to this guy. Obviously, he it wasnt important to him, so his loss.

[CapitalChick]

Im so sorry - reading your post was hard for me because I too can feel how much your suffering.

 

Closure is SO IMPORTANT. But often its reached not just by our ex's words/thoughts BUT also by self acceptance in the situation.

 

Please find the strength to wake up every morning and get on with your day to day activities. I promise one day you WILL wake up and he will not be the first thing on your mind. TIME is what you need.

 

Some guys are cowards. My ex was emotionally stunted - incredibly difficult in arguments - he would close up for days. Our happy moments were ridiculously amazing, but the tough times were AWFUL because he could not communicate how he felt, what worried/scared him and so on.

 

This guy is choosing to put his feelings in a box and lock them away. This essentially means hes doing his best to erase you from his mind right now because its too hard for him to deal with the emotions of losing you and so forth.

With guys like these, there will be a moment where it will hit him and HE will feel the need to contact YOU to potentially discuss it or hear your voice. I assure you by then you will likely not have time for him!!!

 

He's weak and a coward ... and unfortunately emotionally immature.. not good qualities in a future partner, husband or father. Understand your worth and MOVE ON.

[Template]

I have to chime and basically re-iterate what everyone said is true. What we have to ask ourselves, is what is closure. It could mean many different things to everyone. To some, closure is that mystical moment, when everything is right again, and all the pain and heartache is gone. To others, it's knowing the truth of the who, what, when, where why? Even then, it still means something different to the individual as it relates to the relationship.

I sympathize to how you feel, because we all went through it. You are completely normal. I've personally come to a point of total acceptance, and come to realize that there was nothing wrong with me. I've spent many a times just searching within ME, that caused all of this, and you know what - a breakup is caused by both parties, and true acceptance is both parties are at fault, yet no one is truly to blame.

Many people claim to know what they want, but when they find it, whether they realize it or not, it's not what they are looking for. Live is too short to be confused by confused people, when our own lives is confusing enough.

[AMM003]

Hey, I just wanted to give you my perspective. I think he is dealing with it the only way he knows how. And that has to be respected.

 

I was broken up with after an LDR. For something which she thought was harmless and something I thought totally offensive. And that was flirting with another person via text and email. And when that was brought to "light", all hell broke loose with denial and such. Suffice to say, she ended up with him shortly after and as far as I know is still with him. I was pretty devastated at first but things get better every day for me.

I immediately went NC and changed eveything I could in the event she tries to get in touch with me. I believe I could have a nice conversation with her. But that will do nothing for either of us. Even though those circumstances of which we split don't matter anymore, there will always be clearly evident. So I just move forward every day with the fact that she is no longer there.

 

(I will call my ex "C")

 

What I realized is that there is a "C" that is still inside of me. There are good memories and some not so good. But that is the "C" I once knew. My lover, best friend, confidant, my everything. She does not exist in that capacity anymore. She is in fact, a different person now. With that said, when I think about her I remind myself of this. This really helps me not to project feelings about her to what is happening in my life now.

 

For example: If I think if she is missing me. Well, the "C" inside might be. But honestly , who knows what today's "C" is thinking. Today's "C" is not a part of my life and that is reality. So I can't waste my time on thinking that. It is so easy to project the "C" inside me to whether she misses me or not. And that will cause conjecture usually endingin pain and sadness. Projecting the way my "C" into the way I think today is so unhealthy for me. So I keep my "C" inside, with the reality of that never being again.

 

So be careful how you project your ex into what your thoughts are today. because that person is not there anymore. not in the way you once knew them. he has moved on. You move on as well. For your own sake.

[RainyNight]

...EMPATHIZE with you!! I received no CLOSURE either from my ex!!! I found his 'slient treatment' torture and I learned it's a form of ostrisizing (SP??) a person!!

 

I agree with above that you'll have to find your own closure, as THEY rarely give it, or not it in truth-entirety!!

 

Hang in there & HEAL yourself!

 

XO - TB -

Thanks twicebitten

I've been searching the web & looking for books and articles about this " silent treatment " just to convince my self that it IS a form of an emotional abuse , & he is an abuser who wouldnt've been a good life partner & I should feel lucky because he left . But I always end up finding excuses for him .

I'm trying to find reasons to hate him , unfortunately I couldn't. I just descided to forgive him & wish him happiness . The thoughts of him being with another woman no longer hurt , they rather comfort me now , I love him & wish him the happiness he deserves .

I will not have a closure , so what ? Some wounds are just left gaping , they will eventually heal , with ugly scars yes , but they heal & stop aching . All what's needed is just to take care of them not to rotten & kill us .

 

Thanks again twicebitten , for your empathy , & caring to comment .

This support from the loveshacks really helps me to get my balance back .

I'm so grateful to you all .

[RainyNight]

My story is so similar it's like we are almost dealing with the exact same guy!! The only difference is we ended on a good note or so I thought. After he told me he loved me I never heard from him again and he made it almost impossible for me to get in contact with him. I will never understand his silence and I am still trying to come to terms with the fact that I will probably never get my closure. It sucks sooo much!!! He is not the man I once knew and never will be. The man I knew or thought I knew would never do this. The man I knew would have the decency to say it's over and not just disappear and give me this silent treatment. Funny thing is I always made him promise me that if he ever wanted to end the relationship to let me know and not just go away with no goodbye. I told him disappearing on me would hurt me more than his honesty. So maybe he is being spiteful who knows? I def know how you feel!

Cora

Reading your name here was as delightful & comforting as meeting an old freind . Thank you for being here .

You know that your story was what brought me to this cozy place & wonderful forum . Inspite of all of the pain, it's awkwardly amazing to have the same story happening almost in the same time to totally different couples from different parts of the world . I remember very well that feeling of relief I had while reading your story realizing with each line that I was NOT alone . I dont know how it helps , but it does , is it our human nature?

What you wrote here is something that I would write myself .

The man I knew or thought I knew would never do this. The man I knew would have the decency to say it's over and not just disappear and give me this silent treatment

I was thinking that may be I should've made him promise to say Goodbye before leaving , knowing he is a man who keeps promises . But with what you said about you already had done that , I feel better & no longer blame my self for this issue at least .

 

Cora , we both were skeptical initially & thought of or did ask them to inform us before they leave , applying the law of attraction , do you think we "attracted" that to happen ? Never mind it's the self blame again.

 

I admire your strength , I think you had the closure the rough way talking to his new gf , but you had it . I can feel your pain , but I feel you are a person who will just get over all of this so alive & healthy .

 

Best wishes