Leaning towards ending my marriage

[Cinnamon777]

I've been with my husband for 10 years, married for 8 ½ years. We were introduced by my brother's girlfriend who thought we would be perfect for each other. I had gotten out of a relationship and was not really healed, but they thought the timing was right and tricked me into meeting this really great guy by having me stop by their house to help them with a project for my niece. He was attractive and friendly. We went on a double date and then on our own. On the third date, he told me he loved me... I should have known right then that he was going to be needy, but I thought it was great that a guy was able to express love so easily.

 

Things felt comfortable. He was easy to talk with, was not jaded from being previously married, wanted to be married again, wanted more kids (has 1 daughter), and seemed to want many of the same things from life that I wanted at that time. His daughter has Downs Syndrome, but she was adorable and accepting of me. Things moved along very quickly. Within a month I was living with him and six months after we met he proposed. I was caught up in a whirlwind of getting a nice guy, getting married, and living happily ever after.

 

A few times he drank too much and it made me feel like I should watch out, like at a BBQ at my college girlfriend's house. He drank so much that he ended up puking on her lawn and then passing out for a few hours in the guest bedroom. He has a hard time meeting new people and being in social settings, so I over looked it as just being nervous and getting carried away. Similar situation happened at a family function about a year later. He said the he wouldn't do it again after that and I felt like I could believe him.

 

Our first big hurdle: 2 months after we got married – he quit his job. He just couldn’t stand it anymore and quit. This is the 2nd job that he had left, only we made plans the first time and he had a new job before leaving the original one. For 3 months he drank and job hunted. It really shook me up. He did finally get a really good job, things settled down with the drinking, and it seemed like we were back on track.

 

I got pregnant, which we were really excited about. His Mom needed to move out of her big house and we convinced her to move closer to us because she was older and needed more help… then it seemed like a good idea to have her move in with us and we would get a larger house or one with an in-law apartment. We found a large house and all moved in together right before the baby was born. After six months… she felt like she was in the way, even though we always told her otherwise, and decided to move into an apartment. This was a huge financial burden as she was paying part of the mortgage. She gave us some money to keep going for awhile, but my husbands drinking picked up again. Plus, I was having post-partum. I got help for my health and after a year of juggling the finances we decided to sell and get a smaller place. Then, we found out I was pregnant again. We sold and moved into a condo.

 

My husband is in the IT field, but has never been happy working since I’ve known him. He has changed companies every 5 years or so, until his current position which he has had for about 7 years. He complains frequently about his dissatisfaction with his career. During his previous marriage he completed motorcycle mechanic certification. He had a couple of bad experiences trying to work in this field, felt like he couldn’t provide well enough for his family and gave up to go back into the IT world. Knowing how much he likes motorcycles and likes to “wrench”, I have encouraged him many times to pursue this line of work. I offered to move anywhere in the country that he could find the right job. I suggested figuring out a way to return to school and brush up on his skills. Twice we (I) have gotten excited and started checking things out, looking for jobs, looking at good places to live… he backed out both times. He just can’t bring himself to make us give up the life we have, make us live in an apartment (even though it would only be temporary), and risk everything he has built for our family. While I reassured him that the kids were small and it was the perfect time to start over in a career and that we would make ends meet and be just fine. Still, he could not reach for the brass ring.

 

I think the last time this happened is when I really started realizing that this man talks about wanting so much, about making things happen, about achieving a great home and happy life… just is not going to make this happen. Plus, interspersed in our marriage have been times of heavy drinking. He has NEVER been violent toward me or the kids. He is just annoying, embarrassing at family gatherings, passes out early in the evening and in general is just not pleasant for me to be around. I grew up around uncles that were alcoholics and know the signs, but because of my childhood my husband believes that I’m just sensitive to people consuming alcohol in general. He does not have a problem. After years of discussing this issue with him, and a VERY embarrassing incident to him, he finally has realized that he shouldn’t be drinking. He is done with it. I just have a hard time believing this to be the case, though his attitude is somewhat different this time, he has told me this many times before. He still does not acknowledge that it’s alcoholism, it’s just that it was excessive at times and he no longer needs it in his life.

 

He tells me all the time how much he loves me. He says how much he needs me. He constantly needs to be reassured that he is a good person, that he does a good job with chores or whatever. He doesn’t have any personal friends. He doesn’t do anything with hobbies or interests. He rarely does anything with the kids unless I press him into it.

 

Over the years I have built up emotional walls. I feel like all the times I tried talking with him about my feelings were on deaf ears. While he listened, he just didn’t really hear me. I’ve told him how unhappy I’ve felt, how I like changes, I enjoy some spontaneity, I like doing things with friends, how the drinking effects me, how it hurts the kids that he yells at them before listening or talking about whatever is going on, how it makes me sad that he doesn’t do things that make him happy (like motorcycles) and more. Now, I just feel numb toward him.

 

I tried to spice things up for myself. Over the years I have maintained good friendships and have done social things on my own, though he is always telling me he wishes that I would just stay home and not go out. I enjoy holistic healing and became a Reiki practitioner. I work full time. I play with the kids and take them places with me. I bought lingerie to make me feel sexy while trying to play with my husband. I’ve tried to keep up a positive attitude, to bring spice to our marriage, to be supportive, to encourage change, and to be understanding. With all of my efforts, I have come to a place where I just don’t feel like working on things anymore. I feel tired. I feel ignored. I feel unappreciated. I feel alone.

 

We talked about having an open marriage. Actually, we’ve talked about it for years. I don’t remember how we ever got on that subject, but we are both pretty sexual and open to new experiences. About a year ago we decided to see if we could find a couple to click with, but didn’t really find one. We decided to explore a little individually, but it mostly ended up in emails and never really went anywhere for either of us. I felt really excited talking with other men and it boosted my spirits to feel attractive to others and have some attention paid to my feelings. I never met with anyone though. My husband had a “friend” that he had played with before he met me and had stayed in touch with her over the years. We had talked several times about them being together and I felt it was a fine option since he knew her. He noticed that I was getting happier and attributed it to the attention that I was getting online, which of course was true. He started getting jealous and feared that I would find someone and leave him. I did find someone that I wanted to play with, but it was not a romantic connection, just a fun guy that I connected with as a friend. For me (us) we agreed that romantic love is not ideal to being open, because it can sway your heart. We had several debates about continuing the experience, finally deciding at the end of last year to stop. I ended up trapped at relatives during a snow storm, extending a weekend visit over New Year’s. My husband asked if it would be ok for him to visit his “friend”. I agreed, feeling this would open the door for me to explore again. He did experience his friend, but it was not as satisfying as he thought it would be and she ended up having feelings for him that he didn’t expect. The whole “open” marriage was off again. I didn’t feel jealous or angry that he was with her; it did make me angry that he was not able to extend the same opportunity to me. I’ve been feeling angry and that he’s being unfair about the experiences. I actually felt relieved that he was with someone else, which made me realize that I didn’t have deep love for him in my heart. It was a wakeup call that made me start really examining my feelings for him. I think I was using the open marriage choice as a tool to start moving away from him, though I didn’t exactly realize that until I started examining my feelings and motives for things between us. Initially I thought it would just be fun and different.

 

I told him a few weeks ago that I’m not sure that I want to be married anymore. He was shocked and devastated. I started counseling for myself to sort out my feelings and figure out what will make me happy. He really wants to do whatever it will take to turn things around. He says he really loves me… but I can’t feel it. I look at him blankly and I just don’t even know what to say to him. Since the OW incident, I tried for several weeks to feel something. I wanted to feel angry, to feel jealous, to feel sad about the whole thing; nothing. I feel sad that my chance to experience something with another man was not something my husband would be ok with anymore. When we were intimate, I tried to see if I felt loved. It just felt like sex. We tried to slow things down. He felt like he was making love to me and I felt like it was slow sex. It just made me feel even more disconnected from him.

 

I’m feeling terrible that I want to give up on my marriage. I feel so disappointed on so many different things; things he never followed-through on, my feelings dissolving, of not being more assertive to have him hear my feelings over the years… just so much disappointment. He wants to fix it all, do whatever he needs to do to make things work… it just all feels too late. I feel like if I give him the chance to make it all better, it will be out of fear of loosing me only and we will be back where we are in months, a year, 2 years. I can’t imagine living with a man doing everything for me based on a fear of loosing me. I don't believe it would bring him joy and I think it would eventually bring him to resent me because he would feel like nothing he did was good enough. He would be even more constantly seeking my approval verses just loving me.

 

He is a nice guy. He helps out around the house if I ask. He works hard at his job. He manages our finances very well. He tries to be funny. He tells me he loves me. He tells me things I like to hear. I do care about him… but pretty much only like a friend at this point. I don’t want to hurt him and it makes me feel terrible. He doesn’t seem to understand where my “sudden” lack of feelings toward him are coming from.

 

Would you give him a list of things to fix? Can indifference be turned around? Am I being selfish that I want more from my marriage than something that just functions?

[2sure]

Some people are ok with "changing" people, getting a "fixer upper"...it suits some people. In fact, their partners are often open to this , are willing to follow someone elses direction and lead.

 

But this is not what You signed up for.

In fact, where some people need to feel in control , you dont want to.

You see change in him generated for you, to be not the same as change for him. And sure, it isnt. BUT - its still pretty good. I mean, view the marriage itself as an individual entity. Good change, regardless of the reason - still brings positive results to the marriage.

 

Your concern over his changes being temporary, and leaving you back in this same place only older is valid. Yes indeed.

 

It is clear in your post that you love this guy. More than sympathy-type love.

 

To be honest, it seems like what you most miss is passion. And it sounds like although he has in the past enjoyed passionate sex...his life and view of it ...is passionless.

 

As to the sex, or introducing others into your intimate life...I am very open minded, with various experiences...

 

You could consider having a threesome or something of that sort but its important that you and H be together. Playing alone right now is not healthy.

[Cinnamon777]

2sure... thanks for responding.

 

You are so on target about the lack of passion. He doesn't have passion for anything in life and I think that is the hardest part for me. I love life and all the experiences that it brings, but he just isn't that way. Life is hard and its all work for him. The work of life is very draining for him and he's often too tired to enjoy much of anything.

 

I don't feel very confident that if I put out the energy and effort to explain or show him how things might be different that it will turn out better. I feel like I'm just going to be spinning in the mud. And you're absolutely right... I did NOT sign up to fix him, or to parent him.

 

As for being open, I think that I wouldn't really want that kind of thing if I was really happy in my marriage. It's not that I think it might not be fun to experience, but ultimately I just want to love my guy. I don't feel that way toward my husband.

 

I tried the fake it until I make it... but it just didn't work. How do I move forward in my marriage if it lacks passion? There are certain things that could be addressed, but I think that a person's outlook in life, personal drive, and passion are traits that part of their core.

[2sure]

but I think that a person's outlook in life, personal drive, and passion are traits that part of their core.

 

I have to agree with that.

Very often we all hear that problems in a marriage have been caused by one person changing /growing or the other not. Its common but doesnt always lead to divorce.

 

Marriages can go thru highs and lows, ebbs and flows - that can last for years. Sometimes, even in the best marriages - the only thing holding them together through a bad time is family, kids , and logistics. And thank goodness for that - because the bad times come to an end.

 

But - you dont have that same motivation.

You know - he sounds like a good guy, deserving of happiness as do you.

There is someone out there who would happily lead someone willing.

Dont stay for sympathy. Dont make him settle for indifference.

[Cinnamon777]

Thanks 2sure... He is a nice guy, I just don't love him anymore and I've been staying because I've been avoiding the pain of ending things. I do hope that he would find happiness again - and I think that I was hoping the open marriage thing would bring someone into his life.

 

We had a long talk last night and he's finally hearing me and understanding that we are coming to the end of the marriage. He cried a lot and I felt so terrible. It's so hard to hurt him this way. I thought that if he stood before me, sincerely apologized for the years of drinking and ignoring me that I might warm up to the idea of giving him another chance. I felt surprised that I could only offer a hug and not reassurance that we could try again. Not being able to open myself up to him with love showed me that it really is gone. It was a very sad night...