lexi29 Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 What are your rules for your kids at your home? Curious because I am moving in with my fiance and his 9 year old son. His son is quite spoiled but I love him and when he is just with me (or anyone but his dad or grandparents) he is a totally different kid. He's a little angel, really sweet and polite and easy going. His dad grew up in a big family (has 5 siblings) never got much attention and when he did it was negative. He gets along with his dad now but his dad used to beat him all the time when he was growing up. So he believes in NO physical punishment. He has spanked his son one time in his nine years and that is because when he was five he crossed the road to a neighor's house by himself and did not tell anyone where he was going (he knew he wasn't allowed). He does punish him by taking things away (playstation, tv) for bad grades or for not doing his homework. Since they moved into our new home, the rules have changed a bit (take shoes off at the door and always flush the toilet and put down the lid) Also no blasting the tv (my fiance is deaf in one ear so his son (who has perfect hearing) is used to things being loud. He has taken to following these new rules very well. He even reminds me to take my shoes off. The problem I have is my fiance believes "kids will be kids" and I think (but am not sure as I don't have kids) that he just sits there and lets his son get away with things he shouldn't. For example, last night I came home from work picked his son up, made dinner, helped him with homework etc, I was tired, had a headache and just wanted to relax. I just felt like there was too much noise, I was being smothered, just didn't want anyone in my face. So I took a long shower just to get some quiet time. My fiane knew something was wrong and was talking to me and I brought up that I'm not sure I'm ready to move in yet. Basically I will really miss my peace and quiet and my own space. He was understandably upset. His son came in and wanted dad to watch tv with him and dad was now in a bad mood and said no he was talking to me and his son ran out of the room and slammed our bedroom door (doors with glass windows) really HARD which didn't do much for my throbbing headache. I got upset and yelled at him. I told my fiance he needs to be taught that slamming our bedroom door is not acceptable. He is always jumping around and running his toy trucks into walls or the bed or the doors and the house is a rental (and my fiance usually takes excellent care of his apartments) and the door is glass. My fiance's response was that he is just being a kid and I can't expect him to act like an adult. Now, I understand if his son gets mad and slams his own bedroom door (he's done that twice) I was a kid and a teenager once and have done that before. I understand that it happens. Now, if I yell at his son for something or tell him a new rule my fiance will stand by that. He won't contradict me and he says I'm allowed to discipline him if I feel the need to. So thats ok but I'm NOT his parent. I feel his dad should set some rules for him and not just think everything and anything goes. I feel like I'm the bad guy when I yell at him. I get it, that my fiance had a tough childhood (mine wasn't the greatest either- emotional abusive) and he's trying to overcompensate for what he never had and just give his son the childhood he wishes HE had I guess. He tries to give his son absolutely everything he wants. His son wants a 4 wheeler and my fiance says the only reason he won't buy him one is because he knows I will get upset. Mainly because the only place he could ride it is our half acre lot and it would tear up the yard and the landlord wouldn't be happy and I'd get mad if we lost our deposit. Now, he will yell at his son if he is doing something that irritates HIM and he does say no to him (his son was begging for new play station game the other day and my fiance refused to buy him one) but then got him one for Easter which his son has had for three days and is bored with it and wants a new one and last night my fiance put his foot down and said NO more new games. Either he will rent them or buy used once in awhile and he's making his son trade his games in for used ones if he wants more. My rules (or what I'd like to see happen) is no basketballs or soccer balls in the house. It drives me crazy when he throws them around and bounces them off walls (too noisy), no coming into the bedroom without knocking when the door is closed, no slamming any door except his own bedroom door, no whistles in the house (he was blowing on one yesterday for 20 minutes) Are those reasonable? It probably sounds as if I hate him or something and I don't. He's a good kid, just last night I was making something for a work party and he wanted to help me (he likes to help me cook) and he was a big help. Also the other day I sent him a text that said "I miss you cutie" (when he was at his mom's) and he told me that made him feel happy to get that. If it is just him and myself he is good but sometimes when my fiance's around (and he wont' correct his behavior) it just drives me up a wall. So what are your kids' rules?
Just Angel Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Big, noisy transition for you to make. I have 6 kids ages 2-15 and one on the way. The general rules in our home is- no running, no balls (except for soft nerf for youngest), no "noise- pollution" (screaming, whistles, stomping, slamming doors, exceedingly loud music/tv, etc), treat furniture and structure with respect. With the stomping and slamming, I had them do 'do-overs'. If you slam or stomp, you will do-it over properly 3 times. (walk quietly up and and back down) Same technique worked with hanging coats and backpacks, dirty laundry away etc. 3 seems to be the magic brain number. You and fiance need to sit down and work out something you both feel good about. You will have to compromise a bit on noise and kid activity and he'll have to compromise on firmer rules/structure. Something else for you to consider is a star chart. My kids have a list of ways they can earn stars. At the end of the week they can redeem them for various treats from renting a vid or game, to going to dinner to buying a new game (many many stars. lol) Focusing on the positive is always effective and doubly so for you. My name is on the star chart as well. Everytime I drink water (gag), make dessert or talk calmly when I want to scream I get a star too ;-) The kids see this as a family thing and not just them and they totally get off on reminding me to mark the chart.
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