My wife left me for another man....

[desertmoon]

Chrome, you have my admiration(for what it is worth).

 

LOL..really...unbelievable.

[White Flower]

Why? She left him! Anything that he does out of revenge will lower his self-esteem. We are trying to help HIM not screw HER. How is screwing her going to help him? He'll only get the pleasure of seeing her miserable, but at the end, he will be even more miserable. Telling the whole "village" is the same as keying her car or writing graffiti "Here lives a whore" on her front door.

 

The concept of healing contains preserving your dignity. And dignity is best preserved when you don't cling to somebody who dumped you, when you gracefully close that chapter of your life and move on. The icing on the cake will be when she begs him to take her back and he says "Sorry, I've been over you for a long time" with a smile and a dash of sympathy for her. That will kill her.

 

While I half-heartedly agree that the wife of the MM should know what her unfaithful husband is doing, if he would just resist the urge to do something, he will end up as a winner. He'll move on as painlessly as possible.

 

Finally, he said he loved her. If he starts making her life miserable, she'll hate him, which will ultimately hurt him even more. The point is to make her come back crawling.

 

NJF, your plan to make the MM suffer might work in the opposite direction: maybe his wife will kick him out and he'll move in with your wife.

A very good post RP.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Thanks.

 

I am only saying to the BS...move on, let your wife go----do not go down the route of being a bitter, vindictive, evil person....

 

Jesus H. Christ! you are really angry about this---check out the exclamation marks! not to worry, Chrome, I would NEVER want to be like you....I do not even think that we would be in the same company of people in the real world.

 

I am a really nice guy desert moon. But I'm not gonna let people betray me and get away with it. if people asks what happened I'm gonna give them the pure unadulterated truth. I mean it's not a vindictive act to let people know what happened.

 

I would be bitter but if you really love someone your gonna be hurt angry and confused. and let's be realistic. It's gonna eat at you, your gonna feel resentful. I'm all for truth, but there is a way to go overboard with it, like spray painting her car or something like that. but if we got mutual friends and family. I'd rather they hear it from me than a idiot on the street.

 

And after I work through the resentment and get past it then I can let go. my coping process is way different from yours. I have been dumped and one girl I just laughed it off, because I didnt care and deep down I was better off, but someone else I truly started to love and she hurt me, that was different. I didnt want to let her forget what happened.

 

It truly depends on the situation and circumstances. but more often than not I'm not gonna be quiet about it. bottom line. People will know the truth.

 

[desertmoon]

I am a really nice guy desert moon.

 

I do not know what you are, nor care. You do not know me nor do you know what my response was to my husband's infidelity. However, you have said all those things about me, like you know me("just laid there and took it and I do not have courage and all of that)....so whatever, I am sure you feel vindicated and feel better about yourself.

 

But I'm not gonna let people betray me and get away with it. if people asks what happened I'm gonna give them the pure unadulterated truth. I mean it's not a vindictive act to let people know what happened.

it's not about the "letting people know" that is vindictive-it's the " i want to destroy the xSO and the OM and his marriage" that is vindictive.

 

And after I work through the resentment and get past it then I can let go. my coping process is way different from yours. I have been dumped and one girl I just laughed it off, because I didnt care and deep down I was better off, but someone else I truly started to love and she hurt me, that was different. I didnt want to let her forget what happened.

So you have been dumped twice? hmmm...still, you are THE nice guy...

[Chrome Barracuda]

I do not know what you are, nor care. You do not know me nor do you know what my response was to my husband's infidelity. However, you have said all those things about me, like you know me("just laid there and took it and I do not have courage and all of that)....so whatever, I am sure you feel vindicated and feel better about yourself.

 

 

it's not about the "letting people know" that is vindictive-it's the " i want to destroy the xSO and the OM and his marriage" that is vindictive.

 

 

So you have been dumped twice? hmmm...still, you are THE nice guy...

 

 

I dont feel better but it sure sounded like you didnt care and didnt want to fight, you just stuck your head in the sand and ignored it. I could never do that. I'm a fighter. Why did you just resign yourself to let your husband do what he wanted, indifference? But for what purpose? Sorry if I was harsh before but I could never do that. I dont compromise.

 

The OM destroyed his marriage the minute he stuck his D*** inside his wife by my estimate. Actions have consequences. this was one of them. He should have thought of everything before sleeping with a married man's wife.

 

Yep I was a nice guy Still am sometimes) but when you piss me off I'm not so nice. It appears women tend to fall for jerks and treat the nice guys like crap. So I'm a nice guy with a mean streak. lol. And yes I got dumped but I worked through it. And I'm not so bitter, I can even laugh about it.

[desertmoon]

I dont feel better but it sure sounded like you didnt care and didnt want to fight, you just stuck your head in the sand and ignored it.

 

YUP..that's exactly what I did!

 

Sorry if I was harsh before but I could never do that. I dont compromise.

 

lol..sorry? harsh?

 

Yep I was a nice guy Still am sometimes) but when you piss me off I'm not so nice. It appears women tend to fall for jerks and treat the nice guys like crap. So I'm a nice guy with a mean streak. lol. And yes I got dumped but I worked through it. And I'm not so bitter, I can even laugh about it.

 

Yes, it is very obvious you are not bitter....no wonder you are here ranting and spewing hate...

[Chrome Barracuda]

YUP..that's exactly what I did!

 

 

 

lol..sorry? harsh?

 

 

Yes, it is very obvious you are not bitter....no wonder you are here ranting and spewing hate...

 

...LOL I'm am not bitter. I was just pissed because I treated these women good and didnt act like a jerk and yet I got the shaft. that's enough to drive any sane man temporarily enraged and angry.

 

But that was like what a year, two ago. I am happier now. And more enlightened. I'm just recounting what happened to me.

[bentnotbroken]

I always find it rather contradictory when BS are told to have some respect and dignity. They are supposed to repress whatever base level emotion they have in response to the lack of dignity and respect in the situation presented to them. And as someone who not who "keyed the car and sprayed graffiti" I am not miserable, I didn't feel worse after doing the right thing.

 

If an intruder invaded my home and threatened the well being of my family, respect and dignity would be the least of my concerns. And that is the way I view the OW and Mr. Messy. They were inflicting pain on my family....and I took care of it without regret.

[BW007]

I have a little input on this one too.....

When I found the lovey dovey text messages between my ex and the guy she was cheating on me with I flew int a rage and called him and said " So why are you going after my girlfriend Today?" she was screaming "I hate you" at me as I was making this call. He replied that he thought I was "out of the picture" and I replied that I was very much in the picture and in her bed the night before.....

 

 

OK, I was trying to gain some sort of control over my crumbling relationship and lash out and in the moment it felt right, but in retrospect I 1. only wanted to keep them apart and let them feel what I was feeling and 2. I was trying to lash out. The confrontation only served to bring them together and make me their common enemy. I lost a girl that I loved and I wish I had handled my emotions better, but at the same time I think their relationship, founded on cheating, will ultimately fail, but hell it hurts. I lost her, and I lost control of myself and much the same as they say about capital punishment, all of this provided no "closure" or made anything better. BUT THIS WAS ALREADY OUT OF MY HANDS.

I feel like a fool, a cuckold and also I LOST HER TO HIM. Her choice. I just made it easier. The only positive I can take from it is that she was already gone, I just didn't know. I have been viciously sad about this and I remember back to the very beginning of the relationship where I tried to establish boundaries when I said " We can never cheat on each other, and if it is going to happen we have to break up first. I can't take it."

I was not lying then, it just became a forgotten meaningless moment to her.

You want to know what thought is making me crazy at the moment... Maybe they are a better couple. That hurts like hell.

So for me, I got no vindication from my vindictive moment. It just feels bad and I lost some dignity in my anger. It didn't help me at all except for a second when I knew I had pierced the falsehoods she was selling everyone. I dunno.

[Reggie]

LOL..really...unbelievable.

 

Dm, you'll never convince me your H's cheating did not hurt and piss you off. As Chrome points out, it should piss you off. Guy lied to you, exposed you to disease, broke his vows.

C'mon. You are feisty enough. It pissed you off and that is normal. You have showen him, through the years how hurt you are.

[desertmoon]

I always find it rather contradictory when BS are told to have some respect and dignity. They are supposed to repress whatever base level emotion they have in response to the lack of dignity and respect in the situation presented to them.

 

it's not about repressing-it's about channeling the anger to something else. Obviously, many people can't do that. And it's fine-to each his/her own.

 

And as someone who not who "keyed the car and sprayed graffiti" I am not miserable, I didn't feel worse after doing the right thing.

 

If an intruder invaded my home and threatened the well being of my family, respect and dignity would be the least of my concerns. And that is the way I view the OW and Mr. Messy. They were inflicting pain on my family....and I took care of it without regret.

 

Your ExH's OW did not invade your home-she was invited by your then H-quite different.

 

However, affairs of the heart cannot really be compared with home invasion, stealing or what not. People are not possessions-can't own them, cant steal them either.

[desertmoon]

...LOL I'm am not bitter. I was just pissed because I treated these women good and didnt act like a jerk and yet I got the shaft. that's enough to drive any sane man temporarily enraged and angry.

 

some of us are just really worthless to others, despite our "nice-ness".

 

But that was like what a year, two ago. I am happier now. And more enlightened. I'm just recounting what happened to me.

 

Oh you call it that...lol..ok!

[hopesndreams]

Unfortunately, she is able to walk away from this marriage with a simple goodbye and I am the one left emotionally devasted

 

Take solace in the fact she cut off the puppy dog tail with a cleaver and didn't cut away pieces of it with a knife. She didn't string you along, that's a good thing. She's damaged and it has nothing to do with you, it is just her own selfish act.

 

I can not take her back; even if she realizes her mistake.

 

Stand firm on that and do not falter. If you wait for her to realize her mistake you may be waiting a helluva long time. She has made a huge mistake that really isn't a mistake. She knew what she was doing and did it anyway. Huge character flaw.

[bentnotbroken]

it's not about repressing-it's about channeling the anger to something else. Obviously, many people can't do that. And it's fine-to each his/her own.

 

And as someone who not who "keyed the car and sprayed graffiti" I am not miserable, I didn't feel worse after doing the right thing.

 

 

 

Your ExH's OW did not invade your home-she was invited by your then H-quite different.

 

However, affairs of the heart cannot really be compared with home invasion, stealing or what not. People are not possessions-can't own them, cant steal them either.

 

 

My friends have invited me to things that I find reprehensible and wrong. I told them no. Had I said yes, it would have been on me and I would own my actions. She invaded my life, my children's lives and my extended families. He pursued her, no doubt. She accepted his advances and proceed to walk into my life without permission, just as Mr. Messy did her H and family. He invaded their lives without permission.

 

And I wasn't talking about stealing people. No one can be stolen, they go willlingly. What I say she stole is my children's peace of mind. Their stability. Our feeling of our home being the place that was only for us, untainted by the vileness of infidelity(literally since she was in our home). She helped change the way they looked at their father. Granted she wasn't the first, but they didn't know that(still don't), but she helped change who they were. Yes, just as a drunk driver changes families after they kill, so does the act of cheating. But, life goes on.

[desertmoon]

My friends have invited me to things that I find reprehensible and wrong. I told them no. Had I said yes, it would have been on me and I would own my actions.

 

Time to to cut those friends loose, just like you divorced your then husband, don't you think?

 

She invaded my life, my children's lives and my extended families. He pursued her, no doubt. She accepted his advances and proceed to walk into my life without permission, just as Mr. Messy did her H and family. He invaded their lives without permission.

 

No she didn't "invade" your life and your children's. Your partner and the member of your family invited her into your lives. That is not invasion, whether you agreed to it or not. Obviously it was not a welcome thing, since it was totally disrespectful on their part.

[bentnotbroken]

We won't agree on this so...you know. And the friends were that way before we all matured (well most of us anyway) and had families and responsibilities to take care of.

[desertmoon]

Dm, you'll never convince me your H's cheating did not hurt and piss you off. As Chrome points out, it should piss you off. Guy lied to you, exposed you to disease, broke his vows.

C'mon. You are feisty enough. It pissed you off and that is normal. You have showen him, through the years how hurt you are.

 

I missed this post...Reg, are you serious???????????

[Dexter Morgan]

Your ExH's OW did not invade your home-she was invited by your then H-quite different.

.

 

well gee then, I suppose if bent's H would have given the OW all bent's jewelry and clothes that the OW can be absolved from any wrong doing because after all.....the husband gave it to her and had her in a vulcan mind meld that she just couldn't say no:rolleyes:

[desertmoon]

well gee then, I suppose if bent's H would have given the OW all bent's jewelry and clothes that the OW can be absolved from any wrong doing because after all.....the husband gave it to her and had her in a vulcan mind meld that she just couldn't say no:rolleyes:

 

Hmmm...weird analogy you gave there, Dexter. A bit logically warped. The jewelry and clothes that I have ARE MINE- including the many that my husband bought for me. My husband does not share my jewelry or clothes. He has no stake whatsoever on those things. Those are mine. If my husband starts giving my jewelry and clothes away, it would be stealing from me. And I understand what bent was saying when she used this example of stealing and receiving stolen goods. But a marriage is a shared thing, not one party "owns" it.

 

It would be like if she shares her clothes and her jewelry with her ex-husband and her ex-husband gave them to the OW that is obviously disrespectful ( to bent), still the OW did not "invade and steal" the items. The OW can be accused of the "crime"() of being shameless and distasteful but INVASION isn't what she did.

 

If my daughter invites a friend over to our house without my knowledge, would that friend be guilty of "INVASION"? ah,,, no...but my daughter is guilty of breaking my rules.

[Reggie]

IMO, the OM/OW clearly invdes the marriage. The WS has no standing to invite that person in. This is interferrence in a known contractual agreement which cannot be nullified uniltaterally by one party to the contract. And, The OM/OW knows the WS lacks authority to unilaterally modify the contract.

Any person involving him/herself with a married person is trespassing and consent cannot be given by one without the authority to do so.

Hence the common law alienation of affection cause of action arose. It has , by and large, gone by the wayside not because the OM/OW's actions are not seen as wrong, but because courts don't want to deal with this dirty business.

[NoIDidn't]

No she didn't "invade" your life and your children's. Your partner and the member of your family invited her into your lives. That is not invasion, whether you agreed to it or not. Obviously it was not a welcome thing, since it was totally disrespectful on their part.

 

When dealing with married people, unless the couple invites you - its an intrusion.

 

So, I agree with Bent. Only he invited her. The kids and other family would not have willingly invited this pain on their mother.

[desertmoon]

AHHH...lawyer talk. Love it!

 

cannot be nullified unilaterally by one party on the contract?

 

Some states have "no-fault" divorce. In a no fault dissolution of marriage, a declaration by one spouse of the marriage that irreconcilable differences have arisen that neither time nor counseling will cure is sufficient grounds for a court to terminate the marriage and return the former spouses to the legal status of unmarried (single) persons.

 

I cannot find any recent case of "trespassing and interference" in marriage that was proven in court, maybe you know of one?

 

At any rate, even if you could sue for trespassing and interference thus causing alienation of affection you would have to prove that the only reason the WS had an affair was because of the OW/OM. Which isn't easy to do. You'll also find your entire life dragged out into public to show how you contributed to the WSs decision to have an affair. How often you shower (or don't), the mess you leave the toilet in after missing the bowl, how often you had sex with your wife - or didn't, the positions, how often you gave her an orgasm, or in Bent's case, how angry and violent she got...

 

But I do not know the law, still, I believe what I believe <shrug>

[Reggie]

Yes, a marriage can be disolved without consent. But, there are clear distinctions.

First, it requires state involvement, sanctioning the dissolution.

Second, since the law(no fault) is on the books at the time of the marriage the terms of the marriage(being subject to the law in effect) are implicitly agreed to going in. Clearly, in most marriages, there was no agreement to allow third party romances.

I think there are several jurisdictions where alienation of affections claims are allowed. Not sure if one needs to establish that the affection was alienated solely due to the third party's involvement. I expect establishing that it played a substantial contributing role would be enough. But , I am not sure on this.

As for subjecting oneself to scrutiny re the role the BS played in the marriage's demise, that is a factor that most plaintiff's face in all types of cases to some extent. Going forward in the face of the risk of embarrassment is a judgement call. But, I recall there have been some pretty decent sized judgements in the plaintiff's favor in some of these cases.

But, regardless of success in the legal arena, I just do not see how anyone can claim that an OW/OM who knowingly gets involved with a married person is not encroaching on the rights of the BS or the children.

[desertmoon]

Encroach, maybe....Invade, no.

[Dexter Morgan]

Hmmm...weird analogy you gave there, Dexter. A bit logically warped. The jewelry and clothes that I have ARE MINE- including the many that my husband bought for me. My husband does not share my jewelry or clothes. He has no stake whatsoever on those things. Those are mine. If my husband starts giving my jewelry and clothes away, it would be stealing from me. And I understand what bent was saying when she used this example of stealing and receiving stolen goods. But a marriage is a shared thing, not one party "owns" it.

 

It would be like if she shares her clothes and her jewelry with her ex-husband and her ex-husband gave them to the OW that is obviously disrespectful ( to bent), still the OW did not "invade and steal" the items. The OW can be accused of the "crime"() of being shameless and distasteful but INVASION isn't what she did.

 

If my daughter invites a friend over to our house without my knowledge, would that friend be guilty of "INVASION"? ah,,, no...but my daughter is guilty of breaking my rules.

 

Well then I can only hope that someday a man of yours invites another woman and you catch them in your bed. Just remember....she is a guest....be cordial:rolleyes: