NJF Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 My wife and I have been together for 7 years and married for 8 months (what a joke). About a month ago she decided to quit her job, leave the marriage and move to another city. Needless to say, I am devastated. She is not interested in working this out and tells me that this has nothing to do with me or our relationship and this decision is about her finding herself. I thought we got along great. Never argued and always spent time together just talking. I accused her of being involved with another man, but she has denied it. She asked if I really thought she would throw away this relationship for another person. She is a good person and I love her more than anything. She is also my best friend. As much as it hurts, I have accepted that she is gone, although I know she is making a huge mistake. But it is her mistake to make. Unfortunately, she is able to walk away from this marriage with a simple goodbye and I am the one left emotionally devasted, wondering if I can ever trust again. Now to my dilema......As I said before, I love her. She should have changed her email password, but didn't. Needing answers, I logged into her email account and read emails she has sent back and forth to another man, indicating they are supposedly "in love." I doubt she knows what that is. Ironically, he is married (supposedly an unhappy one) with kids. I am pissed off because what she has done to me. Should I forward or send this guy's wife this infomation? Nobody deserves to be cheated on and I wouldn't be sending it to her for that reason. I want him to suffer as I am. Granted, my wife made this decision and it takes two to tango, but I love her not him. Or, should I do nothing, move on with my life, and let her life take it's course? Regardless of the decision, I can not take her back; even if she realizes her mistake.
bentnotbroken Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 I am one of those people who don't care why a BS is told, just as long they are told so that they can make decisions about their lives for themselves. Get those emails to his wife ASAP, she needs to know to protect herself physically, emotionally, and financially.
lkjh Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 I say at the very least you should let your wife know you know. I also believe in telling the BS
65tr6 Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 I logged into her email account and read emails she has sent back and forth to another man, indicating they are supposedly "in love." I doubt she knows what that is. Ironically, he is married (supposedly an unhappy one) with kids. . NJF, listen to me....do you want to learn from this horror ? Do this anyway.... First Step 1) Print all those emails or forward them to your own email account 2) Track the MM/his wife 3) Call his Wife and share all the emails Do it today ! Questions for you...are you sure you dont want to work on your marriage ? do you love her ?
Reggie Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Always best to divulge. Sorry for your pain. Sounds like you have very good boundaries on this issue and divorce is often the best option, very healthy. You can then look for a relationship with a more honorable person, when you are ready. Still hurts, but severing ties with someone you can no longer trust is for the best.
Bryanp Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 I am sorry for what you are going through. First, immediately send the emails to the wife of the OM. Second, contact an attorney and see about an annulment as quickly as possible.
bentnotbroken Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 NJF, listen to me....do you want to learn from this horror ? Do this anyway.... First Step 1) Print all those emails or forward them to your own email account 2) Track the MM/his wife 3) Call his Wife and share all the emails Do it today ! Questions for you...are you sure you dont want to work on your marriage ? do you love her ? She left him. What is there to work on?
seibert253 Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 NJF, listen to me....do you want to learn from this horror ? Do this anyway.... First Step 1) Print all those emails or forward them to your own email account 2) Track the MM/his wife 3) Call his Wife and share all the emails Do it today ! Questions for you...are you sure you dont want to work on your marriage ? do you love her ? Agree with everything but the last sentence. Your marriage is done IMO. I'd also let your wife know that you found the emails and I'd have her served with divorce papers. Here's probably what will happen: -After you inform the OM's wife, she will put the smackdown on the OM, and he'll throw your WW under the bus -You'll suddenly get a call from your WW saying she's made a huge mistake, she now sees she loves you, wants to come home, yada, yada. You need to stick to your guns and tell her it's over, she chose him, and if he dumped her, too f#ckin' bad. Life sucks babe. There's plenty of other chicks out there that will treat you like a king. Didn't take me long at all to find one. Good Luck
65tr6 Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 She left him. What is there to work on? that does not mean his marriage is over. Not yet. Not until the divorce is final anyway. A LOT can happen between now and until the divorce. Depends a lot on if OP is willing to expose or not. Once the affair is EXPOSED, chances are she will have no where to run but come right back ! OP, EXPOSE the affair now to MM's wife.
Phateless Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 If she was unfaithful, you don't have to share assets, correct? Log and keep track of everything! Do all your homework before you play your hand.
65tr6 Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 -You'll suddenly get a call from your WW saying she's made a huge mistake, she now sees she loves you, wants to come home, yada, yada. exactly. That's is why I asking OP....given that he got a major shock treatment of his life...if he is even willing to reconsider. I am of the firm belief that when someone goes through a major event like this, especially when one of the partners indulges in an insane act like betrayal, it becomes important not to make any major decisions until dust settles down. That is just me.
LakesideDream Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 NJF, First thing you need to do is realize that your wife is no longer a "good person". She is not the same person you fell in love with 8 years ago. Yes it's a hard thing to do, but it's important. If she was the same gal.... she wouldn't be doing the things she is. It's not an equal relationship anymore. She's given her heart and other body parts to someone else. Now she wants "space" to let another man explore her attributes. Is that the act of a "good person". Raise your standards my friend.
In Like Flynn Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Should I forward or send this guy's wife this infomation? Why should you be the only one that suffers? Also if you don't he will go after another man's wife again and again. he needs to be stopped now!!!
Dexter Morgan Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 I know you don't think so right now, but down the road you will look back on this and think that this is the best thing that ever happened. Here you have a woman that screwed you over big time, .....yet you love her. That is the kind of desperation that comes about when losing someone. Let me guess, you feel worthless, like less of a man because she left you...you think possibly she is the best thing you would ever get. Trust me, there are better women out there. Once the healing is done, you will realize that and should realize that she is an unfaithful woman and she can be someone elses problem. It does get better.
Reggie Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Actually, post divorce from my NPD monster XW, I am having a really good time for the first time n years. You got a get out of jail free card here.(Well, there is a cost. But, life can be very good with a cheater gone).
Phateless Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 that does not mean his marriage is over. Not yet. Not until the divorce is final anyway. A LOT can happen between now and until the divorce. Depends a lot on if OP is willing to expose or not. Once the affair is EXPOSED, chances are she will have no where to run but come right back ! OP, EXPOSE the affair now to MM's wife. Screw her! He doesn't want her back because she's got nowhere else to go. She should want to be with him. If she chose to leave, and then comes back once the affair is exposed, taking her back would be the stupidest thing he could do. She'll just betray him again the next chance she gets. Forget her. She's blown it.
Athena Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Yes, you must send the OM's wife all the information. She needs to know what is going on. As for you, never, ever, take your wife back! She lied to you. She had the option of coming clean with you but you simply weren't worth that to her. Save all evidence of her emails and file for divorce. Move swiftly and she will feel the shock of the consequences of cheating and lying on you. Then you will know you have taken matters into your own hands and that you do have some say-so on how your life turns out! Do not wait for anything from her. Let her go. Absolutely let the betrayed wife know -- how important was it to YOU to find out what is Really going on in your marriage? Same for her. Tell your family and friends what she's done, and move forward with your life. You will feel pain, but in the long run, it is best for your sanity to act with certainty... do not make the mistake of dilly-dallying and waiting 'to see' what your wifey will do when 'discovered' -- she has no morals or principals and will continue to screw with your view on reality... just don't give her the right to do so. Take action. Today. Don't double-guess yourself. Move swiftly and strongly.
Athena Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 She is a good person and I love her more than anything. She is also my best friend. As much as it hurts, I have accepted that she is gone, although I know she is making a huge mistake. You have to understand that your wife is NOT the person you have assumed she is. You and her have very different ethics. You naturally assumed that she is like you, because you do not have another point of reference to see how anyone who loves a spouse could act any differently... but she is not like you. She is not a 'good person'... she is a selfish person who doesn't give a $hit about you. You 'love' the person she presented to you , for seven years, now over time her true character has leached out... THIS is the face you see which represents her true self... the one hidden behind the facade of a loving wife, your best friend... She is NOT your best friend! No best friend would do this! This is the worst betrayal she could have inflicted on you... not only conducted her affair, but actually LEFT YOU for him!!!! AND still lies about WHY!! Your sense and understanding of Reality has NO value to her -- she only thinks of herself.... do not try think she will see her actions as a mistake... she will at best only think she is unlucky and be miserable... but by no means were all her plotting and planning a mistake... she knew EXACTLY what she was doing, what she was giving up, and she made that decision nonetheless... she wasn't even in a 'dilemma' -- proof is she moved out! wow. You have been conned. Not your fault -- she must have a serious character flaw, and definitely you can do without that kind of 'best friend' and 'wife' in your lifetime. Never, ever, 'hear her out' -- since she will lie viciously to convince you she is not a 'bad person' and she will only succeed in messing up your brain... no good can come out of giving her a second chance. Move on and take affirmative action to getting rid of this cancer in your life! Before it takes ahold of you.
Reggie Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 I agree with Athena. You need to realize that this is who your wife really is, at heart. It is tough to accept that one was fooled by the false front. But, no one that is really your friend does something like this. You now know who you were dealing with all those years. It sucks, I know. When I was getting divorced from my first wife after discoverig her serial infidelity, several people that knew her, including one of her sisters, came to me and said they wished they had warned me sooner about her character. They had restrained themselves, hoping she had changed and feeling like they could not interefere. You may find others that know your wife have a completley different take on her. Do some inquiring. This type of thing, the cheating, is seldom a new phenomenon at this point in a person's life. There is a good chance this has gone on in past relationships or farther back in your relationship than you realize.
desertmoon Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 OP...move on...let her go and don't look back. Why print the emails? She does not love you and you do not want to take her back should she want to come back. What is the point? I understand the desire to inflict pain to the OM, but really, shouldn't you be better than that? Your reason/ motive to tell the OM's wife is not so you can do good and warn her, etc.etc. but so you can inflict pain to the OM....while justified, still it is wrong. Be dignified in your pain...in time, the pain will diminish....Do not be a bitter, vindictive, pathetic scorned man.
jnj express Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 Hey NJF, yes you must tell the other slime's wife, she needs to know the kind of slime she is married to, and don't think for one minute that the OM, told your WW the truth, he may have told her he was in a bad mge., just to get her sympathey and to reel her in even farther into his trap. You must tell the OMW. As to your Wife, this person you are now married to is not your wife, your wife passed away, when she changed her thoughts about her mge., with you and broke her vows. One day she will wake up and realized she has messed up horribly, but hopefully by then, it will be way to late for her, and you will have moved on to find a woman who truly will love you.
RecordProducer Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 Don't forward the emails. Don't reveal that you snooped into her account. If you want his wife to know, just call her or write her an anonymous letter/email (from a new account). Let HER snoop into her husband's email box and cell phone and put the puzzles together. I strongly advise you to remain anonymous. Your wife didn't leave you for another man; she left you because she didn't love you anymore. I don't know the nature of her relationship with this MM and how long has it lasted, but I don't think any sane women would leave her husband of 8 months for a married guy. Is it possible that she's been with him for years? Are you sure they are sleeping together or do things seem horrible because you're seeing red right now? Do you even know where this guy lives? You mentioned that she wanted to move to another city; is this where MM lives?
mark982 Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 DO show omw e-mails,along w/ friends family(hers and yours),the preacher that married you,neighbors.she won't be able to rewrite your married history,when she's scrambling to cover her skanky azz. do not for any reason,no matter how much cring,pleading,begging, she does should you even think of taking her back! history has a way of repeating its self.
RecordProducer Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 DO show omw e-mails,along w/ friends family(hers and yours),the preacher that married you,neighbors.Why? She left him! Anything that he does out of revenge will lower his self-esteem. We are trying to help HIM not screw HER. How is screwing her going to help him? He'll only get the pleasure of seeing her miserable, but at the end, he will be even more miserable. Telling the whole "village" is the same as keying her car or writing graffiti "Here lives a whore" on her front door. The concept of healing contains preserving your dignity. And dignity is best preserved when you don't cling to somebody who dumped you, when you gracefully close that chapter of your life and move on. The icing on the cake will be when she begs him to take her back and he says "Sorry, I've been over you for a long time" with a smile and a dash of sympathy for her. That will kill her. While I half-heartedly agree that the wife of the MM should know what her unfaithful husband is doing, if he would just resist the urge to do something, he will end up as a winner. He'll move on as painlessly as possible. Finally, he said he loved her. If he starts making her life miserable, she'll hate him, which will ultimately hurt him even more. The point is to make her come back crawling. NJF, your plan to make the MM suffer might work in the opposite direction: maybe his wife will kick him out and he'll move in with your wife.
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 Why? She left him! Anything that he does out of revenge will lower his self-esteem. We are trying to help HIM not screw HER. How is screwing her going to help him? He'll only get the pleasure of seeing her miserable, but at the end, he will be even more miserable. Telling the whole "village" is the same as keying her car or writing graffiti "Here lives a whore" on her front door. The concept of healing contains preserving your dignity. And dignity is best preserved when you don't cling to somebody who dumped you, when you gracefully close that chapter of your life and move on. The icing on the cake will be when she begs him to take her back and he says "Sorry, I've been over you for a long time" with a smile and a dash of sympathy for her. That will kill her. While I half-heartedly agree that the wife of the MM should know what her unfaithful husband is doing, if he would just resist the urge to do something, he will end up as a winner. He'll move on as painlessly as possible. Finally, he said he loved her. If he starts making her life miserable, she'll hate him, which will ultimately hurt him even more. The point is to make her come back crawling. NJF, your plan to make the MM suffer might work in the opposite direction: maybe his wife will kick him out and he'll move in with your wife. It's not revenge if it's the truth... She already made his life miserable when she abandoned him. Why should she get away scott free. Their actions have consequences. This is one of them. I would tell too... Let the OMW know her husband is a scumbag and your Soon to be ex is a ditz that wants him herself. Trust me RP when if it happens to you maybe you'll understand. Just imagine your husband leaving you for another woman and him doing all this bad stuff to you and then getting away with that. If you know her husband is innocent you wouldnt tell him what his wife was up to??? I would and not for revenge because the truth is gonna come out one way or another. if she didnt cheat it wouldnt be getting exposed to everyone now would it? You cant blame the betrayed spouse, they had no say in the manner, why should they keep those dirty little secrets of cheaters? Truth will set you free.
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