capecod Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Hi everybody. I'm new here and this is my first post. I don't really have anyone that I can trust to talk to this about so I figured some impartial points of view are better than none at all. Thanks for listening, and so here's my story, it's a bit long but would appreciate it greatly if even just one person listened and had some impartial feedback... Just recently got back in touch with an ex-boyfriend of mine from 16 years ago, (a long time I know). We "met" on a friends re-united website and when I saw his name pop up, I got this rush of butterflies in my stomach, I have often thought of him through the years and always wished him well and sent him positive loving vibes each time my thoughts would turn towards him. God we were so young back then, it was just 2 years out of High School so we were around 19 and we only dated for less than a year, we knew each other since grade school (Grade 6 around 11 years old) and we always had a bit of a crush on each other so when we finally hooked up when we were 19 it was amazing, albeit a bit too intense at the time. I walked away from it because at the time I was so young and confused about life, what was I going to do with my life, I needed to leave this small town that was choking me and move to the big city (I'm an Artist), I was always a bit too wise for my years and jaded and cynical about life where we lived, I wanted so much more! I needed to explore and create and be moving in the creative circles that my hometown just couldn't offer me. So I left. I met another Artist at a party who was more established than me and I was a bit fascinated and then next thing we were living together and spent 3 years in the big city and struggled like I never thought I would, sometimes went days without food. Even when I was with this Artist, I though of him, I remember being a bit drunk one night found his old number and called him on the phone, got the answer machine, but was just a recorded message and not his voice on the machine, so I called back to check the number, same message, I decided what the hell and left a sweet, open, and somewhat tipsy message saying simply; "It's "me" I'm sorry, I still love you so much, always have, I probably always will. If you feel anything for me, please call me back and left my number". He never called. Years went by and no matter what came my way my thoughts often went back to the hometown boy I left and loved so much, but I had to try to prove something to myself, my family, my town, I had this burning desire to do something better to break out of the norm, to find fulfillment, happiness, somewhere it had to be there. I moved all over the country and then the world looking for "this something" - this whatever it was to be that would make me happy, ease my troubled soul. With every new relationship that I was in, I thought about that boy from my past when we were just 19 and so in love. Even till this day he was the only man that I could be just sitting next too and we would be so into each other that no matter what we were doing, time stopped for us, we'd just kiss, it was like his lips were made for mine and suddenly we were ripping each others clothes off, we were always so hot for each other, it was love though and not about "sex". I've had other intense relationships in my life since then and have been in love twice since then, but my thoughts would always go back to this person, the "what if's" came pouring out... He would run into my dad at the Park and always ask about me and I would tell my dad the next time you see him, tell him hello. I always feared running into him when I visited my folks, always afraid of how I would feel, would he hate me, or would time stop again and we'd just reconnect on such an intense level that I would never let him go. I'm now married and living abroad, I love my husband very much but the relationship with my husband has changed over the years we've been married (5 1/2 years) and although he is a kind, caring, and generous man, and we get along great as friends, always laughing and joking, there's never any arguments, but we just don't have a romantic relationship at all, it's been 2 years since we've made love and I've been so depressed about it, I've now put on weight (30 pounds) and I've talked to him so many times about our relationship, that it saddens me that we don't have the intimacy anymore, we don't have children, we don't have "us" anymore, and unless it's by immaculate conception, we won't be having any children by the time I'm 37 this year, and time is ticking away. He doesn't think about me anymore in that way, last Valentine's Day I didn't even get a card, my birthday last year - we didn't do anything special, everyday is just one beige fog after another these past 3 years. I wasn't expecting to reconnect with my ex from 16 years ago through the internet but now that we have been talking again online, he said the feelings he has for me are very strong within him and that he never married because he kept comparing everyone to me, to what we had, to how we were together, the passion we shared, he said that he always loved me and always will. He said although he knows it's wrong to tell a married woman this, he told me that he loves me more than any woman he has ever known. When he said this to me, I got such a burning hot rush that flushed in my chest and it stopped me in my tracks, I couldn't breathe and tears were streaming down my face, I know in my heart I feel the same for him. I have told him that I'm married and that although it might be wrong, that I still hold a candle for him as well. I asked him why he never returned my call from the answering machine and he was devastated, he said he didn't get the message, that was no longer his number, he had moved. I told him that I'm a completely different person from the girl he knew back then and to not confuse nostalgia with possibility but I can't stop thinking about him and it's making me crazy. Part of me wants to run away with him and have his children, the other part doesn't know what to do. Thank you for listening.
boldjack Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Cod, Get a grip. This is a fantasy, nothing more. If you were ever to act on it I can assure you that it wouldn't be as you remember. You need to work on your marriage and stop "escaping", into the past. If you want to try to rekindle dead ashes, then divorce your husband first. He deserves a loyal wife, as you deserve a loyal husband.
Author capecod Posted April 15, 2009 Author Posted April 15, 2009 Thanks Jack for your candid reply. The thing to remember though is that I was not looking to "escape to the past" or live in the past, I didn't seek this person out, we just reconnected after very many years. I also see the novelty in nostalgia, I'm no fool, but there's also the possibility that there may be a greater power at work here, be it karma or destiny? I can't rule that out entirely.
2sure Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 OK , let me be the one to say it. EVERYONE has a first love. And that first love is always reflected upon with magic and what ifs. AND. When we approach middle age and have been married for awhile...many people look back at their past and have a longing for what might have been, relationships lost in youth, even regret. So, your feelings are not unusual. In fact, you will read many similar stories here. With the internet - no one is lost, everyone can be found and many people reconnect and even begin affairs this way. So, thats up to you. Although some people do end up reconnecting with their first love...more often, the fantasy of the what ifs and the whole forbidden love drama doesn't live up to itself when you meet in person. It sounds like your marriage has serious problems. If you feel you do not want to or cannot address them, you may have come to the end of the line. Before doing anything, you should tell your husband that you are not happy and feel that now is the time to consider your future. To be honest, I think you should meet your old bf for lunch...you may find that focusing on your real life doesn't include him....and if it does, then you'll know what to do next.
boldjack Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 You didn't "reconnect", by accident, by Karma, or by destiny, You made a decision to contact him and vice-versa. I don't agree with 2-sure about meeting him , while you are still married, as that would be disrespecting your husband.
Author capecod Posted April 15, 2009 Author Posted April 15, 2009 Thanks 2Sure for your reply. The funny thing is this wasn't my "first love" my first love happened when I was 15 and it was heartbreaking at the time. The man from the past I am referring to is the one I was in a relationship with when we were 19, so we had already been involved in other relationships before then. Also, I have been trying desperately to work on my marriage for 3 years now, the fire has just died and I don't know what to do, and one-sided attempts doesn't work to rekindle that flame. My husband is a truly great person and I can't say enough good things about his character and morals and ethics and personality but there's just no passion or intimacy at all, and I just can't continue to live like this. I wasn't expecting to get this blast from the past in my life at all, just can't help but wonder why it's happened now at this time in my life, is it destiny? Why now, when we had 16 years to re-connect?
Author capecod Posted April 15, 2009 Author Posted April 15, 2009 Jack, I didn't seek him out online, I was looking up a childhood friend that I knew since the womb and we lost touch, as I was scrolling through he saw I was online and sent me a quick email to say hello and how was I doing. I wouldn't cheat on my husband even if me and my ex met for coffee to talk about everything, it would stop there. I'm not an animal, I can control myself. My post isn't a question of infidelity, I'm just trying to figure out if anyone else goes through this, or if things are meant to happen this way, could it be destiny to speak again after all this time, to see that the feelings are still there. Just looking for some friendly advice and not be pre-judged on actions of infidelity that I'm not going to do. Thanks.
boldjack Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Forget about the 'destiny" and drama for a moment. Does your husband know any of this? Have you been upfront with him about your fantasy?
Author capecod Posted April 15, 2009 Author Posted April 15, 2009 Sure, I wouldn't rule that out 2Sure, life works in mysterious ways.
Author capecod Posted April 15, 2009 Author Posted April 15, 2009 Sorry Jack but you seem to keep focusing on the same issue that isn't an issue for me as I'm not going to cheat. I only posted on this website to speak my mind openly about what I am feeling inside and not to be bullied into a corner by someone who is stuck on repeat like a broken record. Thanks for your contribution, but I don't think you "get" what I am saying here. I am actually talking about "destiny" here.
boldjack Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Sorry Cod, I'm not "pre-judging", you, I'm trying to help you avoid a bad mistake. I have tried doing the same thing in the past, reconnecting with an old love and found that too much time had passed.. I believe it will be the same with you , nothing stays the same, you are different and so is he. The one thing that I think is paramount is to be honest with your Husband, then even if you don't continue the marriage, you will have nothing to be ashamed about.
GorillaTheater Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 I am actually talking about "destiny" here. Don't dismiss what my man Jack has to say out of hand. It seems like you're trying too hard to keep your husband out of the equation, when in fact what you're contemplating effects him very much. You owe it to him as your husband to let him know what's on your mind. And all this talk of "destiny" and "soul mate"? Meh. It strikes me, together with your talk about not seeking him out online, that you're trying to avoid any responsibility for hooking up with your ex. That you've been swept up by some cosmic current and have no meaningful control over where kismet takes you. Hogwash. Boldjack is right: you're caught up in some romantic fantasy that you want to surrender to as if you're powerless to do otherwise. I suspect that you've always been this way, I get that vibe from your use of "Artist" three times in your post, as if you're on some kind of different plane than the rest of us, who couldn't hope to understand the forces at work in your life. When in fact we understand all too well.
boldjack Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Well then, I'll leave, as I don't believe in destiny or fate or karma. I prefer to believe in the rational human mind. The supernatural, I leave to others.
2sure Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Frankly, you sound like a bit of a dreamer, which is the opposite of me...so I dont want to say much for fear of being judgemental... But I am a strong believer in Karma. I have been its recipient and vehicle many times. For me, it is not a vague theory but something solid and dependable. The think is...when you bring in Karma or Destiny to justify behavior that is wrong or would hurt someone else.... If it is your destiny to leave your husband and start a life with this other man...then it must be your husband's destiny to be betrayed by his wife?? Worse to me, would be to be thought of as less than best. If its Karma , your husband must have done something pretty awful to deserve this . Get it? You cannot justify actions that hurt someone else as your right because of destiny. The hand of any god doesnt work that way. But back to reality: Your daydreams about your lost love are still just that. If you are plagued by what ifs, depressed, and unhappy...these issues in your life need to be addressed. Not with daydreams but with real actions. Has your husband told you why there has been no sex for 2 years?? Seems like a fair question.
Author capecod Posted April 15, 2009 Author Posted April 15, 2009 Gorilla, your post doesn't even deserve a reply, you've got some serious issues within yourself, good luck to you. Jack, thanks for your openness and different points of view and advice. 2Sure, I do see that very clearly, and I do appreciate your take on destiny and karma, well said and an interesting point of view. Thanks.
Author capecod Posted April 15, 2009 Author Posted April 15, 2009 Well it was a cathartic post to say the least, and thanks to those of you who listened without being overly judgmental. There's nothing worse than a closed mind entering when a window into someone's soul has been lifted.
GorillaTheater Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Gorilla, your post doesn't even deserve a reply, you've got some serious issues within yourself Grouchiness and a low tolerance for what I percieve to be BS being close to the top of the list. All I can do is state what I think, you're under no obligation to give it a moment's consideration. Good luck to you as well.
Author capecod Posted April 15, 2009 Author Posted April 15, 2009 You know, I wasn't going to revisit this post but it's really a bit shocking to see so many jaded and cynical posts come rolling in in such a short amount of time, all these arm-chair psychologists trying to pick the meat off the bone and leaving the diner starved for protein. I spent the last 30 minutes scrolling through some other threads on here with so many people giving beige advice from a beige place, from a place of complacency like they just gave up and have settled for less, to play it "safe" and give like advice or resentful advice. Has the thought of true love, true romance, the idea of a soul-mate, of destiny, of rekindled love, forlorn love, unrequited love, have the romantic ideals of all this really died out in 2009? It'll be a sad day when I stop believing in true love and the possibilities that it brings, and whether I torture myself with the thought of "what could have been" or not, at least I know that I can feel a fiery heart beating in my chest and I've not lost all feeling and hope. I can't remain "comfortably numb" in this life.
boldjack Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 I.m sure it will be very exciting for your husband, too. Once he finds out.
Author capecod Posted April 15, 2009 Author Posted April 15, 2009 The OP is on the slippery slope to cheating and she doesn't want to hear the warning bells that others have sounded. She wants to here the chimes of destiny, karma and soul mates, crap that stuff is not real. If it were you would have no problem in telling your spouse. So you know me personally then? You've no idea what's inside my soul so don't be so quick to judge. Look inside your own soul as grey and dusty as it is and judge your own self first. I don't need anyone to ring any warning bells for me. I made the mistake of thinking that reaching out to a bunch of strangers may give me some time to reflect on what I'm feeling. What it has shown me is how grey the world is through your eyes and people like you. I'd rather keep my rose color tints on and feel something than resign myself to the fact that there isn't any rhyme or reason why things happen the way they do, I'd rather think that everything happens for a reason, whether to open someone's eyes or help them to address a situation, I don't belive that fate does not play a part.
Author capecod Posted April 15, 2009 Author Posted April 15, 2009 I.m sure it will be very exciting for your husband, too. Once he finds out. you know what Jack, I was going to give you the benefit of the doubt, but you're clearly a person who projects a lot and if you were cheated on then well that's unfortunate for you, but what I am talking about here is soul-love and not sex and not a fling. For the 4th time, I have no intention of cheating on my husband. I'm talking about destiny, soul-mates, unrequited love, lost passions, etc.
GorillaTheater Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Look inside your own soul as grey and dusty as it is and judge your own self first. I thought for a bit that I may have stepped over the line with my last paragraph, talking a bout how you felt you were "on a different plane" than we, the hollow men, the stuffed men. But now I feel rather vindicated. Do what destiny directs you to. My sympathies to your husband.
Author capecod Posted April 15, 2009 Author Posted April 15, 2009 Wow. You know what, after reading these replies and the jaded lack of romance, inspiration, passion, and fire in most of them, I've really no time at all to deal with grey people living in a grey world with grey views. So you're right. I am on a different plane and thank God for that!!! and my sympathies to whoever you end up with coz it will surely be a beige boring ride!
boldjack Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Cape Cod, Nobody has accused you of anything. All of the posters that you have derided and poured scorn upon, have been EXACTLY where you are now. I've believed in the idea of romantic love and still do. But wearing rose-colored glasses, doesn't excuse dishonesty, and believing in destiny doesn't mean ignoring your husband's right to be respected. You haven't told him about this other man, and that's not respecting him. I don't believe that you would cheat, so if you're bored with the homdrum of married life, then end it and seek your destiny in an honest way.
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