sucre8095 Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 I know this sounds weird, but its serious! My wife and I have been married for almost 13yrs and we have 4 kids. Our marriage is hanging by a thread. I'll spare you the details for now, but we sleep in seperate beds under the same house. We have agreed to give our marriage another chance after several previous chances. She told me she wants to start all over, with becoming friends first, then go from there. I have a problem seperating her as a friend from my wife. For example, when situations are good, I just want to go over and kiss her. I find times, I just want to massage her shoulders, rub her arms, but she told me this is not what friends starting out do. By the way, she has fallen out of love with me. This did not happen overnight as I've been told and she has been unfaithful, but I'm pretty sure she is focused on us right now. I just don't want to blow my chances. I love her to death and couldn't stand a divorce. We've just started do develop this friendship. What I'm asking you all, is advice on how we can become better friends. We go to the movies, eat out, and when the weather turns good, we'll go for walks. I know this sounds corny, but what are good dating tips I can use with her to strengthen the friendship. I know you all need more info, so go ahead and ask and I will respond. Thank you in advance for helping me to save my marriage!
nicki Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 It's impossible to backtrack and suddenly become "friends" after years of marriage. You have years of experience already. Friends who are getting to know each other are in a different stage without that experience. So, I think your wife is wanting to get close emotionally and create the kind of intimacy that makes one feel deeply known. What are her dreams? Her thoughts? Who is she? The kind of stuff we find out about people when we first date them, before it gets physical. Since you know she doesn't want physical affection right now, then back off. Believe me, when she feels emotionally close to you, she will want to get physical. I've been where you are. Rebuilding a marriage that has lost its way. I really commend you for attempting that. Simply treat her like you would any woman that you are starting to fall in love with. Look her in the eyes, ask her questions that reveal who she is and how she looks at the world. Flirt with her. Make her feel special. Don't make any demands on her at all. Take her out on dates, active dates where you two are doing something fun and physical. Compliment her. Do the dishes for her without being asked. Get the paper for her in the morning. Make her coffee. It's the little things that we women miss that you guys once did for us in the beginning of the relationship. We interpret that kind of behavior as caring and attentive. Maybe most importantly, have a talk about her affair. Find out what was missing with you two, and what she got from the affair. Then give that to her. Love her in the way she wants you to, not in the way you want to. There's a book called Love Languages. It talks about the five different ways we all give and receive love: verbal affirmations, physical, acts of service, time spent together, gift giving. Find out her language and speak to her in that way. Another good book is the Love Dare book. It has specific instructions for everyday, as well as a short chapter to read every day. I think it is very helpful for couples trying to rebuild intimacy. Good luck. It can be done. Sounds like she is giving you another chance, and you are giving her another chance, too.
Author sucre8095 Posted April 15, 2009 Author Posted April 15, 2009 Wow! Thanks Nicki, there's some good advice there. Like I said before its difficult removing the "we've been married for 13yrs" out of the picture. There's times where I just want to hug her to death. And reverting back to just being friends is really hard. For the most part, I do all the cooking lately and most of the chores at home. Keeping a household with 4 kids is very demanding. At times the kids provoke her into a negative mental state, and that's when I try and stay away. It is very hard to find quality time at home with the kids but since this only started on Monday, I've been trying to find quality time to talk to her. Asking her about her affair has to happen much later, but trying to talk to her about her likes and dislikes will need to be carefully done. Right now she just wants space and tranquillity. She talks about going on a vacation by herself with no one around. I can't be certain what her inentions are with the guy she had an affair with, but it looks at best to be on hold or ended until we figure each other out. Deep inside, I would think she wants us to work out for the kids sake and financially. But her emotions and being happy is her first priority. I am taking the when she has time, lets do something together approach because everything else I've done has not worked. I would guess this is our last chance, which is why I've ask you all for help. I need to bounce things off you all to see if I'm doing things right or wrong. A woman's perspective is definitely appreciated.
Just Angel Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 The book "The Love Dare" is simply amazing. The movie that proceeds it is also excellent. "fireproof" Both are christian, but I think anyone of any belief would benefit from either/both of these two tools.
Author sucre8095 Posted April 15, 2009 Author Posted April 15, 2009 Thanks. I went out and purchased both books after researching them online. I heard about the 5 languages once before and can relate to them. I know my wife does not respond to flowers or gifts. And I cook everyday, so no matter how good the meal is, its always just another meal. It seems that house chores and cleaning seems to impact her more than anything else. But I hope to learn from it. The Love Dare book sounds very interesting also. Thank you for the recommendation again.
Author sucre8095 Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 Ok, just to give an update. I've been trying to woo her over with chores around the house. We had a serious discussion last night and she emphasized that she did not love me anymore. That we are "co-existing" in our home for the sake of the kids right now. She hinted at doing this for another year, but I can't help but to think that she has a plan on the side that I'm unaware about. Maybe she is still involved with this other guy. So far I can't tell if she's still communicating with him. And we talk about finances very well. These clues just rub me the wrong way. At the very least we still have some fun together (ie. movies, dinner, kids events). Its just hard that some of the things I do don't make a dent with her emotionally. I can't think of what to do. People are telling me to leave her alone, eventually she will miss you and her feelings will come back, but right now I'm smothering her. What do you guys think? Thanks.
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