confusedinkansas Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 Upstatesucka...I am the wife that did cheat on her husband. Perhaps my opinion here won't be welcome but......... As I was reading the posts here I was waiting for it....waiting for it....expecting exactly what jnj express said.......This entire thread screams Once A Cheater Always A Cheater. Seems to me she didn't cheat on you the second time. She was talking to the guy. NOW ~ With that said, she should NOT have contacted him (or maybe he contacted her first - do you know the answer to that?) People can change. They do every single day! I DO believe there are people out there "once a cheater always one" (the man I had the A with is a perfect example of that) BUT IF your wife chooses to change, why not give her a chance. Why not see it thru, for the sake of your family. Maybe things will eventually be better. I believe I read you said it was 7 months ago (if i'm incorrect, my apologies) ...that doesn't seem like a very long time to repair damage. Counseling is a good step (if it works for you) You monitoring her "every move" also a good idea. At least until you feel comfortable that nothing shady is going on. My H & I are working towards being one of those success stories....& 3 years later....& a year separation (not because of the A)- It's getting MUCH better. Hang in there.......Give her a chance - YOU know her - we don't. You know if she's being honest or not - Your GUT will tell you! In the meantime use LS as a way to vent. But DO NOT by any means think that EVERY person that has infidelity in their marriage has a ROTTEN marriage.....or that it can't be fixed. It can:)
Mr. Lucky Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 Well, I'm not saying I was the perfect husband. Back when it was going on I was involved in alot of things that did not involve her. Not saying I'm to blame. This past summer we were in a rough spot and didn't hardly talk to each other except for the bear minimums for 3-5 days. That's what was identified in MC we didn't ever communicate openly about our feelings. We just got mad and let them fester. All of that has changed since. So, I don't know, I can't just file for a divorce without considering my family. Is it so wrong to give her one chance or should I head for the hills? You should do what feels and works best for you. I get a strong sense that you're more looking for reasons to stay in the marriage rather than loopholes - and you certainly have plenty - to get out. The burden to bear of the cheating will be on your wife as, your lack of husbandly perfection aside, no spouse can justify infidelity. You seem like a strong person so the real question going forward will be whether she can hold up her end. Keep us posted... Mr. Lucky
eeyore1980 Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 Hi everyone, just found this site yesterday. Seems as though I have the same old story. Not sure what to do, seven moths after finding out. It's a bit of a long story, so grab some popcorn. Last September I come home from work, go thru the mail, open our home phone bill. A number shows a long distance # about 6 times. Three of which happened while I was out of town for a weekend, 9-10pm at night. I call the number and a dude answers. I call my W, ask her about it, she says it's her supplier contact for little side business. I said a dude answered when I called and she said it must be her husbands phone. So she gets home from work, I question why the late night 45min- 1hr conversations while I was away. She admits it's an old co-worker she been talking to just catching up and helping her w/some Mgt issues at work. I flipped out, (in front of my kids unfortunately), told her to figure out where & what she was going to do because I wanted her out. She gathered some things and went to leave, crying, my 3 & 6 yr ols were crying and I couldn't let her leave. She spent Weds, Thurs, Friday, being truely remorsefull. I mentioned to her twice that I wanted a polygraph. She agreed somewhat at first, but when I came home Friday and told her I spoke with the p-graph person and was going to set it up,she spent that whole night trying to convince me that it was only a friendship, and that she would never make me take a p-graph. I even asked her to swear on her childrens lives and she did. That will haunt me forever. The next day (Sat.) we had people over to help with some things around the house. She was gone with my mother for about an hour and said she explined everything to her and we needed to talk later. So everyone leaves, kids go to bed, and I ask her what's up? She starts balling and says she can't take the test. She was with this guy 10yrs ago and it was only once. I don't know why it mattered to me at the time, but I suspected she was lying about the present and was trying to cover it up by saying it was back then. (we've been married for 14 years) After flipping out again, I told her I still wanted her to take it and she agreed. That night I called the OM wife, told her everything that I found out. The next day I drove to the OM's house and confronted him. He explained it went on for 2yrs back then, but this time it was only conversation. Somehow I with held my rage and went home, not letting on what I had learned. P-graph day comes, and it turns out everything she said about the recent contact was true. She admitted to me before I found out the results that it wasn't only one time and it went on for 1-2 years back then. Looking back thru cell phone records I can see when they started talking last summer and it looks like it was about a month and a half. Her reasons for contacting him are to just catch up. I said that's one, maybe two phone calls, not two months of nearly talking everyday. I asked if she had discussed screwing him again, and she stated he brought it up, but she just changed the conversation. So I said you didn't refuse? The answer was not exactly. I'm fairly certain I found out before the opportunity came up. She insists she was not looking for that. So since then, we have been to MC, she has been to counseling on her own. She has identified some things in her childhood that taught her to hold feelings in and do whatever it takes to avoid conflict. (her father was abusive to her mother).She has seen the Priest that married us and asked for forgiveness. She has us going to church every week as a family. She tells me she loves me now more than ever, and shows love and effection every chance she gets. We both feel closer now than we have ever been, and also at times feel like I've never loved her this much. But all of the lies, deceit, etc come back from what she has done. The smallest things seem to set them off. She has been supportive and reassuring through these times, but I feel like they will never go away. I don't think I can live the rest of my life this way. So like I said, we've been married 14 yrs, (we married way too young- 23 & 22yrs old.) I was the only man she had ever been with (we started dating when we were 17-18, she was a virgin) until this happened. We now have 4 & 7 y/o kids. I have been faithful to her since I was 18. I look back at opportunities I had to stray and remember saying I could never do that, she would never do that to me. Wow- what an a$$-h*le. Now I don't know what to do. It comes into play much less now than when I found out 7 months ago, but when it does, it still burns just as much. Please help. Mike Hi, Mike. (This was longer than I meant it to be, so at least read the last paragraph.) I don't know if I can help, but I feel like the female version of you. I've been married for 25 years. We have kids. For years and years, I had guys all over me, but I never once even considered it, because it was wrong, and he would NEVER do that to me. Yeah, right. I found out he was having a lot of contact with a woman who lived about a mile away. I found this out like Sept. 2007. It had been going on almost a year. Twice, I was out of town, threw things in a bag and jumped on a plane to be with my brother who had a major heart attack and was not expected to live. That's right, not just out playing around having a nice little vacation, but in major crisis situation, and the MF called his girlfriend the first time as soon as I got out of the car at the airport. But I digress. I was clueless. I was devastated. We still had one child at home who was a minor. I just wanted to pack my stuff and go, but I couldn't leave my kid behind. I couldn't talk my kid into leaving with me, either. I really thought once I was away and had been gone about a month, my son would decide to join me, but I couldn't take the chance. Meanwhile, if my husband's lips were moving, he was lying. Maybe about a month or so ago, that would be a whole year and a half of swearing they were just friends, he finally admitted to having feelings for the *^&^)*&_. Anyway, because of my son, I stayed, and I have really tried to make the best of it, even though POS, just like yours, swore on our children's lives he was telling the truth, and turns out he was lying and lying and lying. He still swears they were never physical, whatever, I don't even care anymore. My son just moved out 2 weeks ago. He refused to go to school, and I finally told him he couldn't live in my home if he was not going to finish school. I blame the cheater, and myself, for my son's situation, because the cheater is incapable of investing much of himself into anyone but himself, and I was spending the time and energy I should have been devoting to my child just trying to keep my sanity, because it is hard enough to try to make a marriage work without one of the parties being a compulsive, selfish, narcissistic lying POS. Bottom line, I have wasted another year and a half of my life with this horrible person, just trying to do the right thing. I wish, instead of trying to persuade my son to move away, I would have made him. He might have hated me, but he would have gotten over it, and I know he would be in a lot better place right now, and so would I. I don't have the personality for this, and even though I knew it from day one, I kept hoping I could make things work, and I was wrong. Now I am struggling to get over so much rage I must have been suppressing all this time, and this horrible, overwhelming need for payback, because I know letting it go would be best, it doesn't matter if this piece of trash I find myself married to gets his, or learns a lesson, or whatever. Besides, it would take me YEARS to even do to him a quarter of all the crap he has done to me. Hope you get something out of this. Peace, and good luck. Lanie
Athena Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 I blame the cheater, and myself, for my son's situation, because the cheater is incapable of investing much of himself into anyone but himself, and I was spending the time and energy I should have been devoting to my child just trying to keep my sanity, because it is hard enough to try to make a marriage work without one of the parties being a compulsive, selfish, narcissistic lying POS. Your post is sobering. I can also identify with you. I am married 23 years to a narcissistic lying serial adulterer... who usually took months and months to admit to an affair after I figured him out (he has JUST admitted to affair #8, after only three weeks of lying. Huge improvement <rolleyes>) I know exactly what you mean in your paragraph above... the energy that should have gone into the children goes into a survival mode... or you get beaten down with paralytic depression, worry, fear, busy trying to figure out your sanity... etc etc.. all the while the cheater is happily manipulating your life and your sense of reality... Believe me, the only way you could ever hurt him back is to throw HIM out (your H) divorce his a$$ and outright REJECT him! Narcissists hate rejection and abandonment! or -- if you are not ready to move away from him emotionally, because you haven't fully detached -- find a man to have an affair with, then tell your H about it... serves two purposes... hurts him back so he can properly understand the pain, and allows you to emotionally unplug from the N. H. and use this 'exit A' to lead the way out of your M. eh, just a suggestion... <end of vent>
Mr. Lucky Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 I am married 23 years to a narcissistic lying serial adulterer... who usually took months and months to admit to an affair after I figured him out (he has JUST admitted to affair #8, after only three weeks of lying. Huge improvement <rolleyes>) Believe me, the only way you could ever hurt him back is to throw HIM out (your H) divorce his a$$ and outright REJECT him! Narcissists hate rejection and abandonment! What keeps you from following your own advice after (or before!) 8 affairs? Seems like 2 or 3 would be more than enough for most people... Mr. Lucky
Athena Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 What keeps you from following your own advice after (or before!) 8 affairs? Seems like 2 or 3 would be more than enough for most people... Mr. Lucky I am following my own advice. Yes, I have had more than enough... even though I can now joke about it; last night I sent him an email saying that when he gets to 10 affairs, he can have a Freebie -- one affair free from consequences...
Pamcat826 Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 I am following my own advice. Yes, I have had more than enough... even though I can now joke about it; last night I sent him an email saying that when he gets to 10 affairs, he can have a Freebie -- one affair free from consequences... Simple. He makes all the money and he can hit the g-spot consistently.
Athena Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Simple. He makes all the money and he can hit the g-spot consistently. Ha ha ha -- he IS a good lover! And I still love the guy, bar-steward tho he is, ah...
Dexter Morgan Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 But DO NOT by any means think that EVERY person that has infidelity in their marriage has a ROTTEN marriage.....or that it can't be fixed. It can:) I have always said that a marriage can be "okay" again and that things can seem good on the outside. A BS can be content with things and maybe even a bit relieved that they didn't have to go through the pains of divorce. But it doesn't mean the BS won't think about what the WS did from time to time and not reel inside. Sure, the marriage can recover, I guess....but don't be fooled into thinking that everything will be ok with the BS from that point out. Just like in your case confuesed.....your marriage may "survive"...whatever that entails...but don't fool yourself into thinking that your husband will never think about what you did and won't want to throw up when thinking about it. The marriage could "survive"(if you call that surviving), but what you did to him will last a lifetime.
Owl Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Dex, I don't remember your timeline. How long ago did your ex-wife's affair occur? How long since your found out about it, and how long have you been divorced?
Dexter Morgan Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Dex, I don't remember your timeline. How long ago did your ex-wife's affair occur? How long since your found out about it, and how long have you been divorced? an argument started ensuing when I found out she had done it prior to marriage while engaged 8 years before. That argument, and me talking to some people, all of a sudden brought a couple people out of the woodwork to tell me she had affairs during the 8 years of marriage. She, of course, denied it, but the explanations of the ones that told me, and the timelines and events that took place coincided. she told half truths about what she had done over the years...I divorced her, and she slipped up during the divorce to someone that she had cheated during the marriage. So in answer to your question, it was ongoing and I wish I would have known before I got married. Been divorced over 2 years.
Athena Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 I somehow got the idea that your wife cheated once... I had no idea she was a serial cheater! Well -- NO WONDER you decided to divorce her within a month!!! Not only because of the several affairs... but just as importantly, she continued to lie! Bad signs these, for any hope of 'recovery'... besides, WHY should you?! I chose a different path to you, but in the end, will also land up divorced -- what do we have in common? A serial cheating spouse, willing to lie continually....
Dexter Morgan Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 I somehow got the idea that your wife cheated once... I had no idea she was a serial cheater! It wouldn't have mattered to me if it was once or many times. Betrayal is betrayal.
Recommended Posts