She did it 8 years ago, started again last summer.

[Upstatesucka]

Hi everyone, just found this site yesterday. Seems as though I have the same old story. Not sure what to do, seven moths after finding out. It's a bit of a long story, so grab some popcorn.

Last September I come home from work, go thru the mail, open our home phone bill. A number shows a long distance # about 6 times. Three of which happened while I was out of town for a weekend, 9-10pm at night. I call the number and a dude answers. I call my W, ask her about it, she says it's her supplier contact for little side business. I said a dude answered when I called and she said it must be her husbands phone. So she gets home from work, I question why the late night 45min- 1hr conversations while I was away. She admits it's an old co-worker she been talking to just catching up and helping her w/some Mgt issues at work. I flipped out, (in front of my kids unfortunately), told her to figure out where & what she was going to do because I wanted her out. She gathered some things and went to leave, crying, my 3 & 6 yr ols were crying and I couldn't let her leave. She spent Weds, Thurs, Friday, being truely remorsefull. I mentioned to her twice that I wanted a polygraph. She agreed somewhat at first, but when I came home Friday and told her I spoke with the p-graph person and was going to set it up,she spent that whole night trying to convince me that it was only a friendship, and that she would never make me take a p-graph. I even asked her to swear on her childrens lives and she did. That will haunt me forever.

The next day (Sat.) we had people over to help with some things around the house. She was gone with my mother for about an hour and said she explined everything to her and we needed to talk later. So everyone leaves, kids go to bed, and I ask her what's up? She starts balling and says she can't take the test. She was with this guy 10yrs ago and it was only once. I don't know why it mattered to me at the time, but I suspected she was lying about the present and was trying to cover it up by saying it was back then. (we've been married for 14 years) After flipping out again, I told her I still wanted her to take it and she agreed. That night I called the OM wife, told her everything that I found out.

The next day I drove to the OM's house and confronted him. He explained it went on for 2yrs back then, but this time it was only conversation. Somehow I with held my rage and went home, not letting on what I had learned.

P-graph day comes, and it turns out everything she said about the recent contact was true. She admitted to me before I found out the results that it wasn't only one time and it went on for 1-2 years back then.

Looking back thru cell phone records I can see when they started talking last summer and it looks like it was about a month and a half. Her reasons for contacting him are to just catch up. I said that's one, maybe two phone calls, not two months of nearly talking everyday. I asked if she had discussed screwing him again, and she stated he brought it up, but she just changed the conversation. So I said you didn't refuse? The answer was not exactly. I'm fairly certain I found out before the opportunity came up. She insists she was not looking for that.

 

So since then, we have been to MC, she has been to counseling on her own. She has identified some things in her childhood that taught her to hold feelings in and do whatever it takes to avoid conflict. (her father was abusive to her mother).She has seen the Priest that married us and asked for forgiveness. She has us going to church every week as a family. She tells me she loves me now more than ever, and shows love and effection every chance she gets. We both feel closer now than we have ever been, and also at times feel like I've never loved her this much. But all of the lies, deceit, etc come back from what she has done. The smallest things seem to set them off. She has been supportive and reassuring through these times, but I feel like they will never go away. I don't think I can live the rest of my life this way.

So like I said, we've been married 14 yrs, (we married way too young- 23 & 22yrs old.) I was the only man she had ever been with (we started dating when we were 17-18, she was a virgin) until this happened. We now have 4 & 7 y/o kids. I have been faithful to her since I was 18. I look back at opportunities I had to stray and remember saying I could never do that, she would never do that to me. Wow- what an a$$-h*le.

 

Now I don't know what to do. It comes into play much less now than when I found out 7 months ago, but when it does, it still burns just as much.

Please help.

Mike

[troubadour]

You are clearly in a tough spot... especialy with children in the background.

 

One thing is beyond any doubt... your wife is a master manipulator and I hope you are not going to fall for her "theatrics". Men are always prone to get deluded it in situations like this.

 

It is very likely that if you decide to stay with her... a few years from now when dust settles and she gets bored again... she will be asking her priest for a forgiveness again.

 

Good luck.

[bentnotbroken]

As far as I am concerned, this post speaks to all those people who tell cheaters not to tell the spouse (why hurt them? bull crap)if they stop the A, throw themselves into the marriage, and will never go there again. The truth is they always go there again if that door isn't firmly slammed shut. And to say a BS won't find out is crap, it may take awhile, but the truth always comes to the light.

 

The OP has lived the years of his marriage under false pretenses. And when his wife found it convenient to do so, she opened that door again. It was only a matter of time before she resumed the PA because she has already resumed the EA. Why keep the calls hidden, why late at night and when OP was away, why 2 months, why hour long conversations. Because she was setting the stage once again. And I would bet she is the one who opened the door and asked about sec again.

 

OP, I am sorry you find yourself here. This is one of the reasons I didn't trust Mr. Messy. He had done it to me without me finding out for years, he will do it again if he could get away with it. I don't know what is best for you and your young ones, but I wouldn't trust her as long as she is breathing.

[SoulStorm]

Upstate..evrything you are feeling is normal. It is about around the 6 month stage that you start to feel anger. At first you are a little shocked and go into survival...save the marriage or save me mode. then after you finally start to get the gist of things..you start to get angry and womder How could she/he do this and why am I allowing her/him to be with me. Am I being a doormat?

 

No..if your spouse is being remorseful and doing everything it takes to fix the marriage..no you're not.

If you must..find constructive and mature ways to express how you feel to your wife...let her know your "true" feelings.

She has to realize how deep the hurt goes.

 

Again this is normal feelings. Express them in couseling so that you and your wife can get past it. But at your pace..not hers. You were the one betrayed and only you know when you can move on..do not let anyone dictate when you should.

[Bryanp]

So what you are saying is that she was screwing this guy for 2 years behind your back while you were married to her and putting your health at risk for STD's and now contacting him again behind your back. I would certainly have a paternity test taken. For two years your marriage was a farce. She is a master manipulator. She was screwing a guy for 2 years and she covered it up so well that you did not have a clue. I would contact an attorney to understand your options. She has made a mockery of your marriage and made you look like a fool. The fact that she contacted him again and lied about says it all. See an attorney and get a paternity test done. I wisn you luck.

[2sure]

Upstate -

 

Ive been here awhile - I came after my H's infidelity. Like you, we chose the path to recovery. And we have. Its been 2 years, and I can honestly tell you I am happily married and trust my H.

 

Being here , I have seen clearly that A's and recovery from them have certain and very specific patterns and steps to take. I am amazed that you have, so far, done everything right - on your own. You sound loving, intelligent, and not like a sucker -but like a man. A husband. A father.

 

You are on your way. Your feelings are natural and will change and churn constantly for awhile.

 

The biggest thing my H and I have learned from his infidelity and our recovery - is that we treat each other and our marriage as ONE entity.

Dont leave each other out at all.

[Upstatesucka]

Thank you for the replies.

Troubador - Is ther anything to be said about the steps she has taken since to see as she puts it "become a better person"?

 

Bentnotbroken- it was the OM, not the OMW that told me how long it went on. His wife and I have since been comparing notes to see if we're getting the same stories.

 

Soulstorm thanks for advise, I will try to express my concerns in counseling so there is some sort of resolution. The answers unfortuneatly lead to more questions after I process them though.

 

Brianp- thanks, but I'm already aware of the issues you stated.

 

2sure- thanks for the kind words, a success story is good to hear. How long did it take you to move on, and stop the movies from playing?

[2sure]

One year, six months, 18 days.

[In Like Flynn]

Her reasons for contacting him are to just catch up. I said that's one, maybe two phone calls, not two months of nearly talking everyday. I asked if she had discussed screwing him again, and she stated he brought it up, but she just changed the conversation. So I said you didn't refuse? The answer was not exactly.

 

Why would she want to catch up with a guy she cheated on you with and screwed for 2 years??? Yes it appears you caught it before it happened again. And by her continuing to take his calls....she had to know where this was going!!! And she didn't stop!!

[Dexter Morgan]

Now I don't know what to do. It comes into play much less now than when I found out 7 months ago, but when it does, it still burns just as much.

Please help.

Mike

 

Answer this, she was unfaithful then, and whether or not she was physically unfaithful now may be irrelevent.

 

So since she seems to have a problem staying away from a man she cheated on you with and seems that she won't change, what is there left to do?

 

Her reasons for contacting him are to just catch up.

 

She has no business contacting him PERIOD!! It is completely unacceptable for her to be in ANY contact whatsoever with a man she cheated on you with.

[Dexter Morgan]

Thank you for the replies.

Troubador - Is ther anything to be said about the steps she has taken since to see as she puts it "become a better person"?

 

are you fishing for any reason to stay with her?

 

the steps she takes mean nothing if she wants to be in contact with a man she screwed while you were married.

 

2sure- thanks for the kind words, a success story is good to hear.

 

So it does seem that a success story is what you are intersted in hearing.

 

With that its up to you. Whatever her behavior, if you are hell bent on staying with her, then you have to put up with her disrespect. Because honestly, I don't think you would want to divorce her even if you caught them red handed in bed together tomorrow. You'd look for some reason to stay so as to avoid divorce, losing money, house...etc.

 

don't get me wrong, I'm on your side, but I think you really need to wake up. It might be one thing if it happened long ago and she has refrained from any unacceptable activities, even though I wouldn't have put up with it the first time.

 

But she is in contact with a man she opened her legs for behind your back during the course of your marriage. Do you think that is acceptable?

[Upstatesucka]

Dexter, I don't think you understand that I knew nothing about any of this until last summer. If she hadn't contacted him again I would have never known.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter, I don't think you understand that I knew nothing about any of this until last summer. If she hadn't contacted him again I would have never known.

 

Ok, so she cheated long ago, and contacted him last summer after all these years. Doesn't sound like someone wanting to be a better person to me.

 

A better person would be to not have any contact with a past affair partner at all.

 

When was the last time she had contact with him?

[Upstatesucka]

She has been in therapy since September trying to deal with what happened, not for the last eight years.

She hasn't had any contact with him since the day I found out.

[troubadour]

Upstatesucka... your wife is in "damage control" mode.

 

Going to the priest to ask for forgiveness... was a staged event to demonstrate you her commitment to your marriage. The priest has nothing to do with this situation... we are talking "theatrics" here.

 

But appears that you have swollowed the bite. She clearly knows how to play you.

 

I think that the question which you have to ask yourself is... what will happen a few years from now when she gets tired of "becoming a better person" and proving in to you. Yes, she will get tired of it. It is also likely that it will turn into a resentment towards you. What then?

 

Keep in mind that crossing lines is not a problem for your wife... as a matter of fact... she would be having an affair right now if you didn't get between her and OM. You would be perfectly happy and unaware cockold husband.

 

I am not telling you to get divorced ( especially that you have small children )... you know best what you should do in your situation... but I doubt it will ever be a smooth sailing for you in your marriage.

[Dexter Morgan]

She has been in therapy since September trying to deal with what happened, not for the last eight years.

She hasn't had any contact with him since the day I found out.

 

Ok, so what is it you are wanting? What do you want to hear?

[SRV]

Had you never been out of town on that day, you would never have found out, she would still be talking to this guy, she would still be deceiving you.

 

Had she wilfully told you when it happened, cut the OM completely out of her life consented immediately to the polygraph, that would have been a sign of remorse on her part and maybe a sign that she probably would not do it again because she CARED to tell you before you caught her.

 

Human behavior at its best and worst is predictable. You stated that it happened 8 years ago, and she was setting the stage for it to happen whilst you were out of town, best believe it WILL happen again, its just a matter of time.

 

Time for the 180, get your ducks in a row, do not play your hand right now, you "know" her better. Take your time to decide your course of action. One that wil have to be taken either way.

[Heroic]

She wasn't catching up she was setting things up.

 

She cheated then and was engaged in an emotional affair and setting up a second physical affair.

[Upstatesucka]

Well, I'm not saying I was the perfect husband. Back when it was going on I was involved in alot of things that did not involve her. Not saying I'm to blame. This past summer we were in a rough spot and didn't hardly talk to each other except for the bear minimums for 3-5 days. That's what was identified in MC we didn't ever communicate openly about our feelings. We just got mad and let them fester. All of that has changed since. So, I don't know, I can't just file for a divorce without considering my family. Is it so wrong to give her one chance or should I head for the hills?

[troubadour]

Is it so wrong to give her one chance or should I head for the hills?

 

 

Only you can answer this question, Upstatesucka.

[Darth Vader]

She wasn't catching up she was setting things up.

 

She cheated then and was engaged in an emotional affair and setting up a second physical affair.

 

 

Agreed. Why would you want to continue living this way with a mental tormentor, and possible STD spreader? There's better for you and the children. BTW, what would she do if you screwed some other woman? That should be your answer right there for you.

 

Stop being a doormat!

[scarred]

My story is similar to yours. My wife and I have been together for 18 years, married 17. I found out about 3 months ago she had an affair which lasted about a year (5 or 6 business conferences) - it ended 14 years ago. I found out in a strange way but suffice it to say some memories from long ago kept resurfacing for me and when I started prodding my wife about them I guess the pent up guilt boiled over and she confessed. To make matters worse, my wife was pregnant most of the time this happened (yes, I know the baby is mine).

 

Here is the deal. Everyone on this board tells you their personal opinion based largely on their personal belief system, what they can tolerate, and what their personal experience was. Only you know where you guys are at in your marriage and whether you are making progress. Listen to what your gut is telling you. More often than not, your gut is right, although your mind will try to tell you its not. For example, even though my wife has continued to be with me for the past 14 years after this ended and I can see that she is committed now to making the marriage better through joint counseling, my head keeps telling me "how could she do this to you, marriage is supposed to be a life long commitment and anyone who violates that is a piece of #$$@#$. Unfortunately that means there are a lot of pieces of @#$#$ out there with statistics showing that infidelity happens in upwards of 70% of marriages when you include both husbands and wives who have cheated. And, if my wife is truly committed to making our marriage better and figures out what was missing in her that she could choose the path of cheating as opposed to talking to me about her feelings, I'm not about to dump her to find someone else who I'll never have 100% certainty won't cheat on me as well.

 

It sounds like you've got a good counselor, you guys are taking the steps to make your marriage work better. Your wife needs to figure out not just what is wrong in your marriage that may have contributed to this, but what is missing in her that would have allowed her to do this - that is only going to come from her - its not a you issue. The counseling should help.

 

Finally, you are not a doormat. Some think that those of us who don't want to throw away a marriage are stupid. You sound like a caring husband who loves his wife and believes in forgiveness. Those attributes are what this world needs more of, not less. But, don't stick your head in the sand either - we can't assume fidelity is a given as we've all learned the hard way.

 

Hang in there. I feel for you.

[Athena]

 

I think that the question which you have to ask yourself is... what will happen a few years from now when she gets tired of "becoming a better person" and proving in to you. Yes, she will get tired of it. It is also likely that it will turn into a resentment towards you. What then?

 

Keep in mind that crossing lines is not a problem for your wife... as a matter of fact... she would be having an affair right now if you didn't get between her and OM. You would be perfectly happy and unaware cockold husband.

 

Upstatesucka, I agree with Troubadour above, your wife did cross a lot of lines, not only that, but she got away with it, and then had two children with you, without you agreeing to stay in a marriage tainted by infidelity. So, now she has you by 'the short and curly's' -- you two share children together, there's more at stake now with another decade gone by.

 

I think you should give it another go, and the worst case scenario -- if she cheats again (and IF you discover it next time...) you can decide to leave then, and at least your young children will have grown a few more years with both parents in a workable marriage... I am pretty sure she will be working hard at making amends in your marriage, and I am pretty sure you will be okay for now... but don't be shocked at what she chooses (not, as you said "finds herself") to do in the future without your knowledge and consent. This marriage is worth giving it another go, but don't think she's incapable of doing it again.

[Darth Vader]

Ok, maybe the "doormat" thing was a little strong, but, hey, I don't want you to look back in another 10 years and 5 or 6 more of your wife's flings later and think, "Man, why did I waste so much of my life with a cheater like her"?

[jnj express]

Once a cheater always a cheater, comes home to roost here. Question is WHY did she cheat years ago, in the 1st place. You explained why she was back at it with him again, based on the two of you having problems, BUT that does not give her the right to have an emotional affair which is what has been going on recently. You two are as you say talking, and trying to fix your mge., Only you know exactly where you want to go with this. You now have in place the best control you can possibly have, and that is that you and OMW are in touch with each other, and compare notes, I would keep that line of communication open, and stay in contact quite often with her. if you intend to R. your Mge. What you do need to do, if you stay is to set up very STRICT BOUNDARIES AND RULES. She must know that from now on, if she violates any one of them, that the mge., will be over. This you cannot back down from, and if you are going to R. the mge., set these boundaries up immediately. Remember one thing from now on the game is played by your rules, and your rules ONLY, if you say jump, she says how high. She needs to know you will be strong about any re-occurance of marital infidelity.