This is an excercise in futility....

[BW007]

When they have given up had an affair and moved on immediately after years with you and you are having a hard time with it, what can you do about the feelings of loss that you feel? It seems like a loss of love, self esteem, ego, trust,sex,friendship, closeness and faith. Faith is the worst loss to me. (Well sex too, if I am honest)

 

It was a brand new reality.(Shock/Immobilizaton)I tried to fix it(Denial)

It is very very real, and it sucks(depression).

I would do a lot to change this reality.(thats bargaining right?)

I am pissed(Anger right?)

I am casting about to try to find the answers to be ok(Testing)

I am screwed(acceptance with a dash of depression thrown in)

 

I still miss her. (cycling)crap

[dudemag]

Exactly how I feel man I've never felt so worthless

[BW007]

I keep having the innappropriate reaction to this whole thing. Cycling through the phases of this incompletely leaves me stuck in a loop of thoughts. It is exhausting.

 

I really should be completely closed off to her and I have kept NC for a few weeks, But after all this crap I STILL want her to give a **** because I do. I got freaking LEFT for someone else and she seems all happy and I am left in the dust miserable and my self esteem is so trampled I keep thinking I am worthless and this ****ing cheater is better than me.

 

I did the best I could.

Missing someone who doesnt seem to give a flying f sucks.

[vessv6l]

Yea no way worse way for it to end. Same situation for me too. Just rode the anger for a while to get me through it. Now dont really feel angry just acceptance and what has happened and a desire to move on to a better day. Ive come to realise we were at diferent points in our life anyway. Still remember the first day i ever saw her, probably wont forget. She was so beautiful i couldnt stop thinking of her. Somehow we got together and spent 3 wonderful years by each others side. Thought she was the one for me. Didnt believe in any of that bs till i met her. Though we grow apart for now just got this feeling that our life together isnt over. Just a time we both need to walk alone. But who knows what happens in future. I look forward to growing as a person and experiencing what life has now to offer.

 

Just use the anger to get you through, try not to think of her. Shes the one who will regrett things in future. Take comfort in friends and family. Then when you feel ready try getting out and meeting some girls. Hope it all works out well for you!

[TheBigCow]

Sounds like my situation exactly BW007 (in terms of being left for another person ect). Every time I think maybe I'm about to make progress I remember something from our past and then everything starts over again. I really have no idea how you're supposed to get out of this so let me know if you figure it out huh?

[BW007]

I think one thing I figured out is that she does not care. Bottom line,does not care anymore. It sucks but there is some acceptance for you. I don't want to believe it but it is the truth, She wasn't who I thought and hoped she was.

 

I have let it collapse my whole life, but you know what? She aint even worth it as she has shown.

[TheBigCow]

I think I know how you're feeling, I still haven't quite accepted the situation to be honest, I like to try and pretend I have but then occasionally I find my self thinking about how we might be able to work it out if I just did this and that. But I feel what you're saying about her not caring anymore and its freaking hard to believe given all of the years that they acted as though you were everything to them.

 

I also feel that my girl is not the person I hoped she was.. I think I deluded (and still am) myself into thinking she was the amazing person that she was when we were around each other and not that other girl that came out when her friends were around or not the girl that cheated on me. As for not caring at all.. I don't know. What I do know is that all of a sudden something snapped in them and said its okay to be incredibly selfish. It probably a side of them that was always there but we were convinced didn't exist.

 

Why on earth we still love these girls, I have no idea, but I know I certainly do and it sounds like you do as well. I too have let this rip my life apart and even though everyone says time heals all, Its damned hard to believe.

 

How long have you been feeling like this?

[BW007]

man does your situation sound similar!

What I do know is that all of a sudden something snapped in them and said its okay to be incredibly selfish. It probably a side of them that was always there but we were convinced didn't exist.

wow! do you have the same ex as me? keep talking to me because I think we can help each other.

[TheBigCow]

Haha sure hope we don't have the same ex.

 

Yeah man sounds like we're having incredibly similar problems.. I'll send you a PM, maybe we can chat.

 

 

Okay scratch that, couldn't figure out how to do it. Do you have MSN or Gmail or anything?

[entityzero]

hey boys can i get in on this??

 

im in the exact same situation, my girl left me for my mate and it just seems to me she could care less.

 

i mean, she feels guilt, i think, but... not enough to stop or change her actions.

 

i still believe shes the girl i fell in love with and i cant let her go.

 

sucks.

[TheBigCow]

Aw man not another one! Really feeling your pain dude.. sucks that its a mate (although I wouldn't say he's a mate now!)

 

I know what you mean about believing she's still the girl you fell in love with I'm going through the exact same emotions. I really can't decide if she's just always been someone else but that I've never seen this side of her or if she truly has changed into someone who is willing to hurt someone who has given her so much love.

 

One thing I think we all need to sort out if you haven't already is what we would do if they came running back to us. I thought I'd realized that I couldn't take her back.. but it turned out that was just a strong day :S I still fantasize about her walking in the door and coming back to me.

 

If either of you want to chat my MSN address is : [email protected]

Or you can just send me an email, or you can give me any other way of contacting you. It's good to share on here so other people can benefit as well, but it can be hard to be totally open since its still kind of public.

[entityzero]

Man i'll let it all out on here i've got nothing to hide.

I gave so SO much of myself to try and keep her happy but now she's gone i've lost all of myself that I put in.

 

I think with my ex she always kinda had it in her for it to end like it did, she cheated on her ex-bf to be with me, and the same thing happened TO me!

 

I still fantasize about her coming back, saying she made the ultimate mistake but I dont think that will ever happen, it would be too painful for her to re-visit me and she'll more than likely move onto the next poor bastard.

 

I dont think she did what she did cause shes a mean b**ch, I think she's just young, naive, impulsive, easily led and in NO WAY could give as much love as i did, and I guess that didnt feel right for her.

But then my "mate" swooped in when he saw we were in trouble and wrapped himself around her like a snake, and before i knew it, she was gone.

 

Its been like 5 months now, im seeing someone new, but in the back of my mind my ex is always there, I still cant step back from my own mind and make sense of all this bulls**t, and how someone I loved so much could double knife me in the back.

Not one hour goes past in a day that I dont think about what shes doing and how much I miss her.

 

My new girlfriend is great and im enjoying my time, she completely understands where im at, just... I still need more time to truely get over my ex, its hard, i loved her so much.

 

She was 19 and I was 25 when we broke up, my advice is to stay the hell away from any girl under 21, they have no idea what they want.

 

And it hurts.

[TheBigCow]

That does sound like a bad situation dude. I think that after 5 months its perfectly understandable to still be missing your ex. Personally I would have thought it best to wait until you were over the situation to start something with another girl.. but it sounds like she is okay with what you're going through. And if thats the case, she's probably an amazing caring girl, so dedicate more of your time and love on her!

 

But dude I know what you mean. My ex cheated on me as well, and I know I shouldn't love her anymore and there should be no reason I would even consider taking her back, especially considering she doesn't even seem to feel bad about it. But I love her so much as well and I haven't really got a clue how to let go.

 

I know exactly what you mean when you say that you say you've lost all of yourself that you put into the relationship though. I feel exactly the same way.. I feel like she's left me empty and a total emotional wreck.

 

You're right about the younger girls I think (I'm talking from friends stories here.. I've only had the one girl), seems to be hard wired into them to go and find something new throwing away anything they have no matter how great it is.

 

It's definitely much more pain than I imagined one girl could ever cause. And I can't come to terms with the fact that the girl I loved unconditionally for so long is willing to put me through this. I can understand if she wants to leave.. but to move on before she leaves, thats just heartless in my opinion.

[BW007]

It sounds like we are all in sort of the same state of mind.

 

I think it is inappropriate to be longing for this person who has chosen to be with someone else, but that is the real problem at the core. I want to be the one she chooses and it is so dang frustrating to not be the chosen person who she WANTS to be with. I still want her above all others does NOT = She chooses me above all others. I hate that it doesn't matter. And it is absolutely mandatory for self preservation that I do not let what she feels about me dictate what I feel about myself. She made me 3rd choice after 5 years . No one knows me as well as her so it is hard to take that she has decided against us as a couple and me as her partner after all of that. But also SHE CHOSE TO CHEAT. And looking back now, it was for a long time. A lot of deception.

The "Appropriate" reaction to all this, I think, should be anger, betrayal and feeling like never seeing her again. Well as a man I feel a little bit of all of that, but it is viciously overpowered by some sort of misplaced hope for the future I want. Time and the constant SUCK of it all is killing these feelings though.

It is hard not to imagine everything that she is doing with someone else. There is, I suppose, an element of competition in all this. Wanting to be the most important one to her, the most attractive, the alpha partner. It's hard to get to a place with yourself where you accept that the person that you have loved is being a lowlife and you want to believe better of her, because, I think, the relationship was a big part of who you are.I will admit that I am closing in on the place where I am numb to all this. Getting treated like garbage is pushing me nearer to not wanting her in my thoughts and hopes anymore.

I think maybe some of the people talking on this thread are suffering through the same type of rejection from women we let take over our view of ourselves too much. Their opinion of us matters to us too much. We are scalded and unsure of our value now that we have been rejected by someone really important in our lives.

[DJMarky]

Can I join the club?

 

I also can't stop thinking about my ex and how I put 110% of myself into my last relationship to get treated so badly. I put more thought into her birthday present than all my past relationships combined. I never felt so in love before, even with past girlfriends. Then to have this girl go from wanting to move in with me and make a future, to ****ing some other dude within a week, has destroyed my world.

 

I have been in plenty of relationships, but none where I still think about the girl just a day after the relationship ended, let alone months. I had never felt heartbroken before this experience.

 

You are all probably familiar with my story, if not, my ex was a bitch, let's leave it at that. Treated me like absolute dirt, even after I broke up with her. Real manipulative cheating whore. So, why do I still think about her and have these pains when I think about her and her new guy together? It's very frustrating.

 

I have tried getting interested in another girl, but gave up, as like entity said, my ex was in the back of my head. So, I just told her how it was and that I wasn't ready, and ceased smsing her. How long will it be before I can move on? *sigh*

[BW007]

We have all been so burned that it has stripped away our natural tendency of not giving a rip. Callousness maybe but before these relationships we didn't put this much energy into what these women thought.

The cheating kicked us in the balls so hard that we don't feel like we have balls and bravado and attraction to the women we want anymore. They have hurt us enough to turn us into feeling like abused little victims. Well, it is hard to take. This is not intended to disparge feelings as purely a feminine phenomena, but some of the more helpful advice I have gotten has come in the form of "Don't be a doormat, stand up for your values and boundaries, and show some balls.Kick em to the curb, they are sleazy"

[TheBigCow]

I just saw photos of my ex and her new boyfriend.. wish I'd avoided that.

[RecordProducer]

You guys are being real heros for enduring this pain, remember that every time you're hurting (which is probably 24/7 for now).

 

The pain does and will go away in about a year. Maybe even longer. It fades out gradually. I know it seems like a lifetime, but you will find true love later in life. Breakups are important because we need a few serious relationships before we meet the right person for us. And how are you going to move onto the next one without a breakup?

 

It's also important to be dumped - that teaches you a lot about life, yourself, love, people, etc. It also trains your emotional endurance. You learn to be less sensitive and more tolerant, although you can't feel that transformation right now.

 

So, accept this as a necesssary part of your life. It was nice, now it hurts. Life sucks. But this is still just love. Love pain is bullsh*t. There are things in this world that are real pain, that don't go away. We'll get over the people who don't care about us. That's easy. It'd be difficult to get over someone who actually cares about you.

[TheBigCow]

It'd be difficult to get over someone who actually cares about you.

 

Not for our ex-girlfriends it turns out..

 

My ex didn't even shed a tear over our breakup and now seems to be on top of the world.. yet I'm still crazy in love with her. I feel kind of pathetic.

 

In alot of ways I wish I'd done something wrong. Pretty much the only lesson I feel like I'm learning from this is "Life is actually kinda ****ty...".

[EmperorR]

Joins in my ex fiancé cheatwd and left me for another guy she just met, trust me in time It gets better, but the early days weeks months suck.

[TheBigCow]

I'm very sorry to hear that EmperorR, that must have been crushing

 

Why do you guys think this is so common. Something seriously screwed up must be going on in your head to make you treat someone who cares that much for you so badly.

 

I really wish I could believe that these girls will have crap superficial relationships with these new guys but really its entirely possible that they'll be happier.. I guess its selfish but I think thats something that burns really badly.

[klarika]

I do not know if it works for guys, but I know I plan on doing it.

 

Start writing a journal. Start writing there everything you plan to do the next day. Try your best to keep up with the schedule. At the end of the day, look it over. Try to pray, if you are religious. And, keep in mind when the nostalgic feelings arise, and then make plans to go out with your friends. Also, reward yourself for doing well. Buy something nice, or go to a movie, or watch football or buy a bottle of expensive wine and drink it with good food of course and nice friends around. Take little by little.

I know if I was not married, it would be easy to move on. I moved on after bad relationships relatively easily. If you are not into women yet, no problem, there are other things to do to enjoy yourself. And, you will eventually go back in the playing field again when you are ready. Take one day at a time. They say that you are healed when you can stay by yourself in a room, with no Internet, no television, perhaps with a book, and feel happy. Good luck.

[klarika]

And about your girlfriend being ok with her life, first of all, do not be so sure (you are not either living her life or inside of her relationship), second, what goes around comes around, even if not now. And, third, so what????? You have your own life to live. Take it as a lesson. It is hard, but I say myself that every day. Or try to:)

[entityzero]

Uugh guys... its the morning and I just woke from a terrible dream.

I dreamt that me, her and him were all staying in a hotel room, and we all slept in the same bed, her in the middle, and i tried so bad just to touch her but she wouldnt have any of it, and i punched him in the mouth while he was asleep, then asked her if she'd ever date me again, to which she replied "probably not".. then i woke up, heartbroken, after 5 months..

WHY?!

 

This is a list of all my ex's bad points:

 

- She was 17 (I was 24)

- Her dad was an alcoholic

- Her mum hated her as a child

- Her parents were divorced

- Her brother was a criminal

- Had constant dreams about blood, murder and me cheating on her (which i NEVER did or would of)

- She cut herself

- She had LOW self-esteem

- She used to steal clothes and make-up from stores

- She used to hang around older people when she was 14 - 15

- Used to cry really easily

- Would stay up all night smoking bongs before a work day

- Had a friend who was just as unstable

- She'd been sexually abused to some degree by past "Friends" of hers

- She cheated on her ex boyfriend to be with me

- Would always pretend everything was OK when she knew it wasnt

 

And more...

So tell me WHY I still pine for her and this relationship!

 

She has some serious issues which she loved to pretend werent there, and all I wanted to do was help her through them, yet she didnt wanna see it through..

 

I know these issues are the reason why someone you love so much can throw it all away, coz its easier to move on and find a relationship that doesnt challenge her, and I know that this new dude is just as emotionally retarded as she is, so she can ignore her s**t even more.

 

I just want this pain to end, i'll do ANYTHING for it to be over.

People say its like dealing with death and in time it gets easier but for me, its still going, someone didnt die and i deal and move on, she is STILL with him and everyday is a new day for her and another one without me.

 

I just find it so hard to beleive that the grass really is greener on the other side, yet i've not had one sign from her that she regrets or misses me.

 

And that makes me so, so sad.

[BW007]

I have to agree with you about the thoughts you have had about the ex being better off with the other person, happier, better in bed etc...etc... These thoughts are just killers and can make you feel very bad. They seem like a charitable thought somehow but essentially they come out as your ego committing suicide or actually more accurately, an ego getting killed by friendly fire. I am glad you brought this up, because I thought this was a unique problem I was having. I can identify my shortcomings in the relationship and maybe if my self esteem was better off the relationship may not have hit the rocks.

 

I have exactly that thought, maybe she is better off. But on the flipside, maybe I am better off too but just alone now.

I have to admit I am building up a layer of not giving a rip about her BS anymore, or what she does, and I have really begun to start to reject her a bit more because she seemingly DOES NOT CARE. I have decided that I do not enjoy getting emotionally beaten up by her anymore.

 

The thoughts about what she is up to are bad for us. Screw her, and also remember this important advice.....screw her. I am on your side not hers.