Panda86 Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Hi, all! This is my first post so bear with me... First of all, I commend all those out there who are struggling with LDRs, hang in there and try to be strong. It's a hard road but hopefully it will end up where you and your sweetie want it to be!! My boyfriend is from the UK and I am American. We have been dating for 3 years now. The first 2 years were completely long-distance, only seeing one another 4 times a year. It ripped my heart out. Fortunately, the past 8 months he has been living here in America on a short-term visa and it's been an absolute DREAM being able to be TOGETHER together on a consistent basis. Well...the bad news is, his visa is up in July and he's headed back to the UK (doesn't have much of a choice, really). I want to throw up just thinking about it and not knowing what our long-term plan is. The "plan" right now is to spend at least another year apart whilst I try to find a job in the UK (pipe dream, possibly?). Not much of a plan. Deep down in my heart, I know he's the one. If he asked me today I'd say yes. If he asked me 1 year ago I would have said yes. I always knew. Furthermore, I know that getting the marriage paperwork would greatly help our immigration problems, as that's pretty much what's getting in the way at the moment. If we got married, I know our options for being together would be much more open. But even though I have expressed this desire to him on a few occasions, he is ADAMANT that he is not ready to get married and he will not be convinced otherwise. His reasons are primarily 1) age: we are 23 going on 24 and he feels he is too young; and 2) money: lack thereof and lack of stable jobs at the moment so he doesn't feel he would be able to make the marriage commitment without that. I am probably just young and naive...but I can't wrap my brain around why on earth he would prefer spending an agonizing year or more apart rather than commit to marriage. AT LEAST to be engaged so we'd be moving towards that. So my question to you all is....if July comes and goes, along with my honey back to the UK, and there is no engagement and no plans for such...is it time to let go or should I be brave and hang on for another year or so to see how things pan out? I love him, but I love me too and I don't want either of us to suffer next year (and beyond). Advice?
nicole430 Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Hello I know it is very disappointing to know that he will not marry you now. In my opinion, I think that if he is worth it and hes the one you want to be with forever, then waiting at least one more year for him will be alright. This guy obviously cares a lot for you and has potential to want to marry you in the future...he came all the way to the US on a visa to stay with you for a few months! Give it some more time...at least hes not saying hes not sure if you're not the right one or that he wants to experience new people...stick around for another year...dont give up
Island Girl Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 You ask if you should wait or not. I would ask you how easy it is do you think it is to find love? -- And then how easy do you think it is to find someone you love that you can live with? If you don't wait then you break it off and you resume dating. And you'll spend AT LEAST the next year (most likely quite a few more) trying to find love and then someone who is all in all compatible and who is just as committed to the relationship as you are. Or you stay together and, yes you are separated by space but, you still have him in your life and still can have an eventual future with THIS man. Knowing how elusive it is I would never advise someone to throw it away and move on. Just read some of the threads here in the dating section, break up section, and coping section. Trust me it is a lot harder to find it than it is to be separated for a length of time. And I do not post this with any implication that being separated is easy. I know how you will feel. I just would hate for you to break up and think 5 or 10 years from now, "what the hell did I do?!!!" when you are still looking around for a replacement. Love just doesn't happen again, and again, and again...
2sure Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 You need to ask him if he would like, or expects you to wait. You asked him if he wanted to get married right now or become engaged and his reply was an "adamant" No - for valid reasons. So - the two of you have a clear line of communication on this. Why not just ask him?
jih Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 The short answer is yes, you should give yourselves more time, the long answer is....well....longer.
LikeCharlotte Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 My gut reaction is NO. I think you've been together long enough to know. If he says no then he probably means it and waiting at this stage is ridiculous. Why? So you can spend even more time apart?!? That makes no sense. I'll come back and elaborate later... but sweetie, put your walking shoes on just in case.
Recommended Posts