Giving the other party permission to let you down: good idea or incredibly dumb?

[birdmadgirl]

Hello, everyone.

 

About two weeks ago, I had an amazing evening with someone who kept me so thoroughly entertained that I could hardly believe what an incredible time I was having. For nearly three hours, I laughed so hard my sides hurt, engaged in INTENSE eye contact, and did some silly hand-size comparison thing that I read (perhaps incorrectly) as an über-cute excuse for him to touch me. We parted ways with a hug (I'm told he's extremely cautious as he's been burned recently) and said we'd see each other again. I came home, sent a VERY short thanks-for-a-good-time email, and waited patiently for a response. We reiterated our mutual desire for a second meeting, and I figured all was well.

 

Last week, we were supposed to get together but he had something come up. After some schedule negotiation, we agreed to meet tonight, which is exactly two weeks from Date/Meeting One. Excited, I left work early to come home and get ready, and I waited for him to call... and waited... and waited... and waited.

 

Finally, he calls about 45 minutes ago to apologize for not having called earlier. Apparently, he fell asleep and wanted to know if I'd be up for a late dinner. I had already eaten, but I told him I didn't mind meeting up. Then, he suggested that we reschedule for Thursday. I accepted and we hung up.

 

He and I have several mutual friends, and the word on the street is that he's incredibly cautious when it comes to this stuff (to a fault), but I cannot help but read this as disinterest. What I'm considering doing is telling him that, while I think he's the cat's pajamas and I'd love to get to know him better, it's absolutely fine if he has decided I don't really do it for him. My rationale behind this is that we can both proceed without stress. He'll sleep better at night knowing he doesn't have to eventually let someone down, and I won't throw my day into upheaval waiting for other phone calls that come too late.

 

Is this a good idea, or should I just wait until Thursday and risk the disappointment of being flaked out on again?

[Mahatma]

You sound like you have a fun personality.

 

I think you should refrain from doing the whole "I like you, but it's cool if you don't like me" thing. This is seen as an act of disparity.

 

Give him another chance at a date, then move on and let him do the working around your schedule.

[Trialbyfire]

I wouldn't do the pre-emptive rejection bit. Just don't stop your dating life for this guy, even if he makes it on Thursday. Multi-date! He sounds like someone who's either playing silly dating games or isn't all in.

 

If he flakes on Thursday, by not calling, DON'T call him. Just leave him to wonder if you didn't take him seriously either.

 

If he flakes on Thursday, but calls and tries to resched, just tell him you're permanently busy and to "take care"!

[moman]

I wouldn't do the pre-emptive rejection bit. Just don't stop your dating life for this guy, even if he makes it on Thursday. Multi-date! He sounds like someone who's either playing silly dating games or isn't all in.

 

If he flakes on Thursday, by not calling, DON'T call him. Just leave him to wonder if you didn't take him seriously either.

 

If he flakes on Thursday, but calls and tries to resched, just tell him you're permanently busy and to "take care"!

 

 

CHECK (perfect)

[birdmadgirl]

I'm so glad you guys are here.

 

I'm with you on the dating games/not being all in bit, TBF. I'm equally inclined to believe both, but a mutual friend of ours tells me that his lack of excitement is directly related to his awful luck in relationships. She says he's definitely interested, but wary. So... I'll just wait, I guess. Wait, and multi-date!

[birdmadgirl]

Yeah, he's still logging into the dating site where we noticed each other (as I said, we have mutual friends who just never thought to introduce us), so I'm putting this one to bed, too.

 

I've said before that there's a mild depression washing over me about this stuff. I'm a pretty resilient girl about most things, but I'm finding it harder to bounce back from this each time it happens. I'm doing something to sabotage myself, I'm sure, but I cannot for the life of me figure out what it is. When I find myself interested in someone, I'm warm and open but not clingy or overly expressive. Maybe expressing ANY interest AT ALL is what's doing me in. If I could just figure out how to be completely aloof, I'd probably be doing myself a huge favor. Of course, with my luck, they'd probably say, "Oh, she's not into me" and call it a day.

 

I feel like I can't win. Seriously.