My ex is now with someone who is controlling and abusive!

[firefight]

My ex gf, who I still care about very deeply, is now with someone who she says is controlling and he has hit her at least once!!! She told me this after she asked me to meet her for drinks, and talk about us maybe getting back together. Around Christmas she also told me that she had a sinus infection and that it looked like she got punched in the face as a result of the infection, it seemed suspicious to me but I cannot say whether or not he hit her again and sometimes I think maybe she won't continue telling me if he hits her because she saw how I reacted when she told me the first time.

 

Also, we don't talk very often as I am trying to move on and also respect her space, but I wonder too if he may be controlling her so that she maybe losing touch with friends as I have read that this is typical of a controlling and abusive relationship. She does seem to be distancing herself from me but, I realize that this could simiply be her just wanting us both to completely let go. I really don't know. My sister was in an abusive relationship years ago. (She got out and is in a very healthy relationship now with a great guy). I asked her about it and she said she never wanted anyone to know at the time, that she wouldn't have gone to anyone out of fear. I sometimes wonder if that's the case with my ex.

She has stated that she is afraid for her life, and 'you don't know who he is'...... Personally, she knows the man I am and I don't give a flying f*** 'who he is'. And yet it's a little hard for me to fully believe all of this because it seems (to me anyways) that she merrily continues to go out to see him on a regular basis.

 

She also told me, that he does drugs and deals as well (at clubs) and yet why the hell would she continue on with him?? She has always been absolutely vehemently dead set against any kind of drugs and especially drug dealers. She is beautiful, classy and intelligent. She was raised with strong values and morals, in a very proper high class family. I know that she didn't find out about all of this until much later on but still... why does she stick around?

 

When we broke up, I figured that this guy was just a rebound seeing as I completely pushed her away, and many people have said to me that it won't last, and yet... it did last, at least up until now..

 

Could anyone offer me insight on this? And to any woman out there who has been in a controlling abusive relationship, please tell me why?? Why the hell would you put up with this? Help me to understand because I do not!

 

Do women find it a turn on to be with someone controlling and abusive?? I don't get the attraction. My sister's advice to me was that I should just be there for her if she needs me. Should I be trying to find out more or... I don't know, is there anything more I should be doing, especially while I'm trying to respect her space?

[sotired]

Her story sounds a bit odd....She tells you that you should be scared of the guy...yet is still talking to you and meeting up with you? It almost sounds like she's just trying to get sympathy from you. If her new boyfriend is really controlling and abusive I guarantee that he wouldn't let her go out for drinks with you or even by herself.

 

So does she want you back or not? If she's saying it's because she's scared to leave her boyfriend that just sounds like an excuse. I wouldn't get involved...something smells a bit fishy.

[firefight]

Also, I wanted to add that early on when she was seeing him, I realized that this clown may not be the be all and end all after we talked about meeting up and I said I didn't know if it was a good idea, she had moved on with a new guy and she quickly jumped back with the reply...

'I don't care, he doesn't own me!'

This is totally out of character with her. She would never have made a comment like that to anyone while we were together. She also stated on an earlier occasion that 'he would probably have me followed'.

 

I would really appreciate some input from anyone regarding this, particularly from any women who have been/are in a controllling relationship.

[firefight]

Her story sounds a bit odd....She tells you that you should be scared of the guy...yet is still talking to you and meeting up with you? It almost sounds like she's just trying to get sympathy from you. If her new boyfriend is really controlling and abusive I guarantee that he wouldn't let her go out for drinks with you or even by herself.

 

So does she want you back or not? If she's saying it's because she's scared to leave her boyfriend that just sounds like an excuse. I wouldn't get involved...something smells a bit fishy.

 

 

I have met him, and she knows quite well that I have no fear of him. Yeah, I don't really understand why she would say these things, but on the other hand I have never known her to be deceiving or conninving.... and what the hell for?? I'm trying to understand this too.

 

As for getting back together, she has never said yes or no, and I have resolved myself to moving on, not going to wait around thats for sure. She's has said one big reason she's not sure about us getting back together is that she doesn't trust me, which I can understand seeing as I am the one who pushed her away and pretty much left her. By the way, us meeting for drinks to talk about us getting back together was all her idea.

[firefight]

Her story sounds a bit odd....She tells you that you should be scared of the guy...yet is still talking to you and meeting up with you? It almost sounds like she's just trying to get sympathy from you. If her new boyfriend is really controlling and abusive I guarantee that he wouldn't let her go out for drinks with you or even by herself.

 

So does she want you back or not? If she's saying it's because she's scared to leave her boyfriend that just sounds like an excuse. I wouldn't get involved...something smells a bit fishy.

 

I guarantee that he is not aware that we still talk, and that we have met up. Why would she want my sympathy?

[sotired]

Why mention it otherwise? It's almost like she wants you to "save her." Just seems like she is playing on your emotions....trying to figure out if she wants to get back with you, telling you how bad her new boyfriend is, etc.

[Woggle]

I hate to say this but stay out of it. She will keep going back to him over and over again until she wakes up which won't happen for a very long time. Women get addicted to these types of men.

[firefight]

I hate to say this but stay out of it. She will keep going back to him over and over again until she wakes up which won't happen for a very long time. Women get addicted to these types of men.

 

 

For her sake, I hope you are wrong but that possibility is what bothers me. Only time will tell I guess. But why the hell would any woman put up with it? Especially her, I mean she is sickened with even the thought of any kind of violence. It was her, in fact that put it in my head that a real man walks away and a real man would never hit a woman...

[Woggle]

For her sake, I hope you are wrong but that possibility is what bothers me. Only time will tell I guess. But why the hell would any woman put up with it? Especially her, I mean she is sickened with even the thought of any kind of violence. It was her, in fact that put it in my head that a real man walks away and a real man would never hit a woman...

 

I don't even attempt to understand why some women get addicted to this type of thing but they do. At this point trying to get her to leave would be like talking to an apple.

[firefight]

Why mention it otherwise? It's almost like she wants you to "save her." Just seems like she is playing on your emotions....trying to figure out if she wants to get back with you, telling you how bad her new boyfriend is, etc.

 

I should also point out, that for the most part she doesn't talk about him or bring him into the conversations. Nor do I.

We usually just talk about how things are going, what's new... things like that. She's knows that I will never be a 'shoulder' for her to cry on if it was over him.

 

But, you could be right. It's very confusing and I thank you for your input.

[firefight]

I don't even attempt to understand why some women get addicted to this type of thing but they do. At this point trying to get her to leave would be like talking to an apple.

 

 

That's pretty much how I feel. I won't try to get her to leave, that would probably have the opposite effect anyway. I don't really enjoy talking to apples.

 

And yes, I feel the same way about attempting to understand. This post is my last ditch effort to gain some clarity.