hoping for some insight

[cat]

thank you, you're direct yet kind at the same time.

 

for the record, I have already been to a counselor, yesterday, to start the process of sorting this all out, and I'm going to continue to go. I go every time in my life when there's a problem i'm having trouble sorting out.

 

One thing I did wrong in this relationship was let go too much of myself (he never wanted me to do that, i just DID) and at the very least, I need to learn 1) how to retain who I am in a relationship, and 2) how to withstand emotional twinges of emptiness without reaching to inappropriate places for it.

 

maybe i don't deserve another chance, per se, or maybe it's not the right thing, and I'll see that in time, i don't know. i really don't .

[cat]

Have you tried to call him and apologize? Text him or emailed him?

and if you did ..did he respond?

 

i emailed the first night, he responded a couple of times, very angry and telling me that i had betrayed him and he already gave me another chance, etc, all true things, and many more. I just replied and siad he wsa right, etc, and that can we please talk about it.

 

I emailed him this morning again, I sent him the text of an email i wrote to the other guy. and maybe i shouldn't have done this, but i wanted him to see that I had told the other man that we would have no more contact, because too much had already been lost, that i had lost an amaznig man who i love and a good relationship, and that i'm a fool, and i needed to get everything back above board and get my life figured out. and i mean that 100%, there's no desire there for that contact, and furthermore, it's just a reminder of how royally i've screwed up. so he knows that's been communicated, not that he has a reason to beleive that i'll stick to it, but it's worth a shot.

 

the other thing i put in the email was that i know that i didn't deserve another chance, and that his reaction was justified, and that he did what he "should have" done, but to please think about me and us and that we had a good thing, and that i'd be hoping for a miracle and i know how much grance and faith it would take for me to get one.

 

I'm paraphrasing of course. no response to that.

 

I was thinkinga bout going to his house. It feels so raw, and at the same time, i do think we should talk. I am sure he wants space and i'm making a bad thing even worse.

[SoulStorm]

i emailed the first night, he responded a couple of times, very angry and telling me that i had betrayed him and he already gave me another chance, etc, all true things, and many more. I just replied and siad he wsa right, etc, and that can we please talk about it.

 

I emailed him this morning again, I sent him the text of an email i wrote to the other guy. and maybe i shouldn't have done this, but i wanted him to see that I had told the other man that we would have no more contact, because too much had already been lost, that i had lost an amaznig man who i love and a good relationship, and that i'm a fool, and i needed to get everything back above board and get my life figured out. and i mean that 100%, there's no desire there for that contact, and furthermore, it's just a reminder of how royally i've screwed up. so he knows that's been communicated, not that he has a reason to beleive that i'll stick to it, but it's worth a shot.

 

the other thing i put in the email was that i know that i didn't deserve another chance, and that his reaction was justified, and that he did what he "should have" done, but to please think about me and us and that we had a good thing, and that i'd be hoping for a miracle and i know how much grance and faith it would take for me to get one.

 

I'm paraphrasing of course. no response to that.

 

I was thinkinga bout going to his house. It feels so raw, and at the same time, i do think we should talk. I am sure he wants space and i'm making a bad thing even worse.

 

OK Good. DO NOT GO TO HIS HOUSE. He needs space..he is very angry. Give it to him (space). But keep in contact. Send him texts and emails and even a card. You just do not know the devastation he feels. If you had consummated the relationship with other man..that would have been far worse to a man. he is hurt because you may have had inclinations to have sex with this guy and he is bailing before he has to endure that hurt also. he doesn't believe you..he may think you already did. You have a lot of work to do if you want this.

[SoulStorm]

You also said you realized you had a good thing with him and for him to reconsider..he is thinking..If we had a good thing why would you do what you did and why am I in a position to have to reconsider....

[cat]

I was thinking that maybe I'd go next week, midweek or something, when it's not so raw. that will give us both some time to see things more clearly.

 

THis other man lives in another state, i've only shaken his hand. no physical contact.

 

you think it's OK to keep emailing and texting? I was thinking about sending him a letter but is it better to say things in person? I'd like to say that i recognize exactly why i was doing this and not being 100% in, and that i'm seeing a counselor, and that i can be 100% in, and that we have a very special thing-- we DO. did. whatever.

[cat]

You also said you realized you had a good thing with him and for him to reconsider..he is thinking..If we had a good thing why would you do what you did and why am I in a position to have to reconsider....

 

some things are not clear. the only way I can say it is that I was scared to go in 100%, and i recognize that I have to and get some things out of my head that were pulling me out of the present, like wanting to move closer to my family. I was not being where i WAS, i was being somewhere else, and the consequesnces of that were NOT worth it.

 

I just panicked. and yes, that can happen, even in a relationship where two people are really in love.

[SoulStorm]

I was thinking that maybe I'd go next week, midweek or something, when it's not so raw. that will give us both some time to see things more clearly.

 

THis other man lives in another state, i've only shaken his hand. no physical contact.

 

you think it's OK to keep emailing and texting? I was thinking about sending him a letter but is it better to say things in person? I'd like to say that i recognize exactly why i was doing this and not being 100% in, and that i'm seeing a counselor, and that i can be 100% in, and that we have a very special thing-- we DO. did. whatever.

 

Email and text to let him know he is still in your thoughts.. The main core things should be discussed in person. If you are not contacting him..he will think you are contacting the other man

[SoulStorm]

some things are not clear. the only way I can say it is that I was scared to go in 100%, and i recognize that I have to and get some things out of my head that were pulling me out of the present, like wanting to move closer to my family. I was not being where i WAS, i was being somewhere else, and the consequesnces of that were NOT worth it.

 

I just panicked. and yes, that can happen, even in a relationship where two people are really in love.

 

This is easily summed up..you sabotaged your relationship because you were afraid to commit. Like I said..you have to sacrifice things. Being close to your family is good, but not essential for your relationship.

[cat]

This is easily summed up..you sabotaged your relationship because you were afraid to commit. Like I said..you have to sacrifice things. Being close to your family is good, but not essential for your relationship.

 

yes. and i'd really like to not do this again, and i recognize that it was way, way wrong. I AM afraid to commit, but i think i can work through it. I'm actually a pretty together person and able to tackle issues head-on. it's worth humbling myself and working through this for us. I know it. I am realizing it more and more. and more and more. I hope I get the shot.

 

so is taht an OK thing to communicate to him in an email? is it worth it to him to give me another shot, if i really recognize what i did and want to change??

[SoulStorm]

yes. and i'd really like to not do this again, and i recognize that it was way, way wrong. I AM afraid to commit, but i think i can work through it. I'm actually a pretty together person and able to tackle issues head-on. it's worth humbling myself and working through this for us. I know it. I am realizing it more and more. and more and more. I hope I get the shot.

 

so is taht an OK thing to communicate to him in an email? is it worth it to him to give me another shot, if i really recognize what i did and want to change??

 

Yes it is ok to communicate that to him, but only he can decide if it's worth it if you recognize what you did and want to change it.

Your efforts to show him may be enough to persuade him, but you will never know if you do not try.

[cat]

in communicating with him, i don't want to keep overwhelming him with long emails, but i do want him to know that I will work so hard to fix what's broken. It's good to communicate that to him in short sentences by email? and maybe OK to go there in a week or so?

 

every week we had breakthroughs, we even had a major one after the last time i communicated with the other man, (which was almost a week before he saw the emails) and i felt 100% in. i felt like finally i could just fall in and rest. I was so excited about our future.

 

i try so hard to do things well and right, and to be a whole and solid person.

[Lucky_One]

I can't get past the timeframe.

 

You started an online email EA with some guy in another state. Your BF caught you. He agreed to work things out, worked on forgiving you, and you say "things were better than ever". And within another WEEK, while things were better than ever and after a HUGE breakthrough ("every week we had breakthroughs, we even had a major one after the last time i communicated with the other man, (which was almost a week before he saw the emails) and i felt 100% in. i felt like finally i could just fall in and rest. I was so excited about our future.") you start the email flirtation back again.

 

You couldn't last over TWO weeks of being "better than ever", "100% in" and "so excited about your future" that you couldn't resist this secret EA?

 

I think you are re-writing history. With hindsight, you are making your past relationship into something that it was not. IF you were totally in love with guy, totally excited about your future with him, and felt that you were 100% into it, then you NEVER would be tempted to screw up again with this other guy.

 

I think you need to leave your XBF alone. This was not the relationship for you, for whatever reasons. There is a REASON that you cheated on him within two weeks after you totally recommitted to him.

[SoulStorm]

in communicating with him, i don't want to keep overwhelming him with long emails, but i do want him to know that I will work so hard to fix what's broken. It's good to communicate that to him in short sentences by email? and maybe OK to go there in a week or so?

 

every week we had breakthroughs, we even had a major one after the last time i communicated with the other man, (which was almost a week before he saw the emails) and i felt 100% in. i felt like finally i could just fall in and rest. I was so excited about our future.

 

i try so hard to do things well and right, and to be a whole and solid person.

Clarification is correct..in correspondence with what lucky one is saying..what is the timeline that you broke no contact after saying you would not

[cat]

Clarification is correct..in correspondence with what lucky one is saying..what is the timeline that you broke no contact after saying you would not

 

a couple weeks... the reason (not that there's an excuse, just a reason) is that we had professional context to communicate. and, in this instance, his sister works in the same field as I do and she lost her job, he wrote me and asked if I would take a look at her resume, I said yes, and the communication started again from there. yes, I could have said no, and I didn't, and at the time I knew it was wrong but didn't think i would get pulled back in. yes, i knew it was wrong and i did it anyway. I know. I made a horrible, selfish, and immature decision. i know.

 

that "set" of communications lasted about a week, maybe 5 days. I thought it would just fade away. after it stopped for a week or so, things were really solid with my ex. then he found the past emails.

 

Yes, quick timeline. i know. a week is not a long time to be solid.

[Lucky_One]

yes, I could have said no, and I didn't, and at the time I knew it was wrong but didn't think i would get pulled back in. yes, i knew it was wrong and i did it anyway. I know. I made a horrible, selfish, and immature decision. i know.

 

No. You SHOULD have said no. You SHOULD have deleted this guy's email address and you SHOULD have blocked him from every contacting you again AFTER you emailed him and told him that your flirtation with him was wrong and that it put the most important relationship in your life into terrible jeopardy and to never contact you again.

 

But you didn't. You have assessed your reaction correctly, but I think it is more important to see WHY you did it.

 

You very quickly and knowingly put someone else before your SO, even during a crucial time in your relationship.

 

THAT is what you need to concentrate on, and to see that your SO simply could not have been as important to you as you seemingly want him to be. If he truly was, you NEVER would have communicated with this other guy again - ever.

 

Rather than accepting that you screwed up and threw away a decent relationship that was obviously not fulfilling you or your needs or your heart, you are now trying to salvage it. Why are you so desperate to hang on to this SO now? Are you afraid of being alone? Are you entering a stage of your life where you want a family and husband, and you will stay with anyone to achieve that? Have you been together for years, and you feel that you have made too much of an emotional and time investment to pull out now?

[SoulStorm]

a couple weeks... the reason (not that there's an excuse, just a reason) is that we had professional context to communicate. and, in this instance, his sister works in the same field as I do and she lost her job, he wrote me and asked if I would take a look at her resume, I said yes, and the communication started again from there. yes, I could have said no, and I didn't, and at the time I knew it was wrong but didn't think i would get pulled back in. yes, i knew it was wrong and i did it anyway. I know. I made a horrible, selfish, and immature decision. i know.

 

that "set" of communications lasted about a week, maybe 5 days. I thought it would just fade away. after it stopped for a week or so, things were really solid with my ex. then he found the past emails.

 

Yes, quick timeline. i know. a week is not a long time to be solid.

 

 

A gentle 2x4...A drunk cannot sweep the floor in a liquor store. His addiction would cause him to try the merchandise. Yes..you should have ignored the email or letter, but you didn't so here you are. You really have a lot to fix here. Respect goes a long way with men. Your boyfriend was disrespected in a very short time..hence his anger.

It is amazing that you know the boundaries, but ignored them. It wasn't worth it was it?

[cat]

HELL NO. that goes without saying. But at the same time, I nkow that I'll be willing to fight for a good man and recognize my flaws, if there is something to be drawn from this.

[cat]

No. You SHOULD have said no. You SHOULD have deleted this guy's email address and you SHOULD have blocked him from every contacting you again AFTER you emailed him and told him that your flirtation with him was wrong and that it put the most important relationship in your life into terrible jeopardy and to never contact you again.

 

But you didn't. You have assessed your reaction correctly, but I think it is more important to see WHY you did it.

 

You very quickly and knowingly put someone else before your SO, even during a crucial time in your relationship.

 

THAT is what you need to concentrate on, and to see that your SO simply could not have been as important to you as you seemingly want him to be. If he truly was, you NEVER would have communicated with this other guy again - ever.

 

Rather than accepting that you screwed up and threw away a decent relationship that was obviously not fulfilling you or your needs or your heart, you are now trying to salvage it. Why are you so desperate to hang on to this SO now? Are you afraid of being alone? Are you entering a stage of your life where you want a family and husband, and you will stay with anyone to achieve that? Have you been together for years, and you feel that you have made too much of an emotional and time investment to pull out now?

 

well, you're right. I thought the should was implicit, and the "could" was emphasizing that I made a terrible choice.

 

i'm not willing to stay with "anyone," no. BUt i am very realistic in that i don't expect another person to be perfect and my everything, and that there are some things I need to work on that maybe can resolve this relationship. The reason it wasn't filling my heart wsn't because of him, it was me, and my fears. WIth a kind and loving man, which he is, we can get past it and resolve the fears. We ahven't been together forever, about a year, but we're both deeper in than we have ever been with anyone else. and I think we had somethign unusual that's worth fighting for.

 

I dunno, do you think I"m not seeing the WHY clearly? I mean, I can see that I was afriad to committ, but that seems to be more about my fear, and that the deeper we got, the more intense those fears get. BUt that doesn't ALWAYS mean we're not suitable for each other, it means that I have something to figure out.

 

Believe me, all in all i'm a pretty sane, together person.

[SoulStorm]

well, you're right. I thought the should was implicit, and the "could" was emphasizing that I made a terrible choice.

 

i'm not willing to stay with "anyone," no. BUt i am very realistic in that i don't expect another person to be perfect and my everything, and that there are some things I need to work on that maybe can resolve this relationship. The reason it wasn't filling my heart wsn't because of him, it was me, and my fears. WIth a kind and loving man, which he is, we can get past it and resolve the fears. We ahven't been together forever, about a year, but we're both deeper in than we have ever been with anyone else. and I think we had somethign unusual that's worth fighting for.

 

I dunno, do you think I"m not seeing the WHY clearly? I mean, I can see that I was afriad to committ, but that seems to be more about my fear, and that the deeper we got, the more intense those fears get. BUt that doesn't ALWAYS mean we're not suitable for each other, it means that I have something to figure out.

 

Believe me, all in all i'm a pretty sane, together person.

 

So..did someone leave or abandon you in your family... Do you feel if you get too close to your boyfriend..he will leave and abandon you..bringing back old hurts from something that happened in your past?? It appears you have already pushed him away. Just when things get better..you sabotage it..maybe subconsciously..then consciously. Are you afraid of loving someone..then they leave you?

[cat]

So..did someone leave or abandon you in your family... Do you feel if you get too close to your boyfriend..he will leave and abandon you..bringing back old hurts from something that happened in your past?? It appears you have already pushed him away. Just when things get better..you sabotage it..maybe subconsciously..then consciously. Are you afraid of loving someone..then they leave you?

 

sure, yes. and i have battled that demon for years, and come SUCH a long way. i mean, from not being able to love at all, to being able to love and let people in way more than I ever thought I could. Yes, I am afriad of being left, of showing my true self. and that's how we had had some breakthroughs. I had expressed some things that were hard for me, he was great with it. yes, I'm afraid. I think all but the most solid people are afraid, and the rest of us, we learn to make good choices in the midst of our fear. Or, in my case... hope to learn. I can't even tell you how far I've come. I feel blessed that at the very least, I'm a self-aware person who's willing to attack problems head on. I'm not in denial. Considering some of my past, I could have been much, much less adept at living and loving well.

[SoulStorm]

sure, yes. and i have battled that demon for years, and come SUCH a long way. i mean, from not being able to love at all, to being able to love and let people in way more than I ever thought I could. Yes, I am afriad of being left, of showing my true self. and that's how we had had some breakthroughs. I had expressed some things that were hard for me, he was great with it. yes, I'm afraid. I think all but the most solid people are afraid, and the rest of us, we learn to make good choices in the midst of our fear. Or, in my case... hope to learn. I can't even tell you how far I've come. I feel blessed that at the very least, I'm a self-aware person who's willing to attack problems head on. I'm not in denial. Considering some of my past, I could have been much, much less adept at living and loving well.

 

Ok..understood. you have faced your fears and have accomplished some breakthroughs..yet you still have not conquered it. it is unfair to put another person in a position where they will be affected by your fears. I commend you for the growth, but you already see that you are not ready for a relationship still. your boyfriend was willing to help..if he is still willing and gives you another chance, you better grab on with both arms and legs..you may never get another chance. the relationship is already tainted in his eyes, but if he does..you have to work on getting yourself further across the line while acosting his fears of you betraying him again..very tough spot to be in. You keep saying you are a "together person"..it is if you have to almost convince yourself of that. Maybe you do because you know what your fears are..when you don't have to tell yourself..then you have conquered it. I believe you have to say that to yourself to make it real to you..looking from where you had to grow from. Until you conquer this fear..it will always play on you. You cannot control what anyone does. Only what you do. If someone is going to leave..there is nothing you can do to stop them. It may hurt and you may grieve a bit, but the sun will shine tomorrow and the Earth will still rotate around the sun.

[Dexter Morgan]

But, the man and I started emailing again, and he caught me again by reading my email today. He boxed up all my things and never wants to talk to me again.

 

Because of this statement above, I'd say you shouldn't apologize....leave him alone.

 

 

Is it fair to beg him to take me back?

 

No, its not fair to beg him back. he wants you to leave him alone and you trying to pry your way back in his life will disrupt his need to heal and move on.

 

he gave you a 2nd chance when he caught you flirting with the other guy...he forgave you, moved on, and as you said, things got better....but that wasn't enough for you that you had to do it again.

So he decided that you crapped on the 2nd chance that he gave you.

 

So no, you leave him alone. you had your 2nd chance and didn't take the ball and run with it.

[mr.dream merchant]

There's no ifs, ands, or buts about being dishonest. You can't turn around and try to justify hurting, lying, and playing with someone's heart but saying your needs weren't being met. If they weren't being met, you had the option to end the relationship and go elsewhere. Cheating is greed and dishonesty. Those two don't mix well with a loving heart. I'm with Dexter Morgan, just leave your boyfriend alone.

[Dexter Morgan]

I can really sympathize with your situation. You were in the wrong, but you have acknowledged that and have given yourself enough punishment for that already.

 

 

Might be one thing if when she acknowledged it the first time and never did it again, she could be cut some slack.

 

But he forgave and gave her a 2nd chance, and she spit on that chance by doing it again.

 

I don't even believe in 2nd chances for things like this...but in this case, she'd be wanting a 3rd chance.

[Dexter Morgan]

My post surely stirred up some emotions... name-calling and everything.

 

As a matter of fact, I have never cheated before and didn't have a physical relationship with anyone. I never laid a hand on this man.

 

that doesn't make it all better. but you were forgiven for it the first time and did it again.

 

 

THis all took place online over the course of two weeks, in the middle of a relationship that was good in a lot of ways and flawed in others.

 

And this excuses what you did? don't say you weren't trying to excuse your behavior, because that is exactly what you tried to do with that statement.

 

 

I don't know the history of anyone on this forum, but here's what I have realized... I am NOT a serial cheater. I have, in fact, NEVER CHEATED. See above.

 

Sure you did, you fantasized WITH another man and cheated emotionally.

 

How would you feel if you caught your bf cybering with another girl and getting heavily flirtatious....you forgive him, and he does it AGAIN?

 

i don't think you'd feel the same as you put forth above.

 

 

I have, in the past, looked in inappropriate places for affirmation when I wasn't feeling it. Not just in relationships, either. As a matter of fact, I have grown significantly in my self-esteem and capacity for love in the past five years. I'm doing my best. I'm not blame shifting either. What I did was my action and I take responsibility for it.

 

how so? by saying you didn't cheat and when you knew it was a problem, you did it again?

 

 

I clearly need help with this issue (that's why i came here).

 

and as I advised in my first reply to you....you leave him alone. he gave you a 2nd chance, and you did it again. He doesn't want to see you, he is moving on, and any contact initiated by you is not respecting his decision and time to get over it.