hoping for some insight

[cat]

I posted this on the breakup forum but didn't get much in the way of understanding, so I thought I'd try again here...

 

My boyfriend broke up with me today. I deserve it, and I'm not justifying what I did, it's just that it's the first night and it's really hard.

 

I really love him and I'm in love with him. I was having questions about commitment, in that we manage money differently, have different approaches to health (I exercise, he smokes) and a couple other things. We were getting more serious, and I was getting unsure if we were a fit for marriage.

 

About a month ago, in a particularly rough patch for us, I started a chain of flirtatious emails with a man in another state. I would never want or expect a relationship with this man, but the emails were fun. Well, lo and behold, he read my email (which I have a problem with in itself) and we had a huge problem. But we worked it out and things were better than ever. But, the man and I started emailing again, and he caught me again by reading my email today. He boxed up all my things and never wants to talk to me again.

 

I don't blame him, of course, and I have no excuse for what I did. I can see that I was trying to get an unmet need met and that it was terribly horribly selfish and immature. I see all this, and I know now that I have to live with the consequences of knowing I hurt this person who I love very much. And for all the ways we were incompatible, he is good and kind and honest and loving.

 

I know I screwed up and I'm so sorry. I don't need judgment or people telling me I got what I deserved. I will learn from this, volumes. It's just a sad and lonely night.

 

Should I apologize? Is it fair to beg him to take me back? I am a human, and I can see how selfish I was and how much of a stretch it would be for him to even look at me again. But I'm not a horrible person, i'm actually a pretty good person who, for many reasons, wasn't strong enough to deal with this situation the right way.

[Bryanp]

You sound remorseful so I do not see how apologizing would hurt. Try to imagine if the roles were reversed, what would you wish to hear from your boyfriend? Maybe this process will help you in your apology. I wish you luck.

[AAlike]

I really love him and I'm in love with him. I was having questions about commitment, in that we manage money differently, have different approaches to health (I exercise, he smokes) and a couple other things. We were getting more serious, and I was getting unsure if we were a fit for marriage.

 

 

A lot of instances of cheating, IMO, occur in relationships that were essentially on the brink of crumbling anyway. are you sure that yours isn't one of those? if so, I don't see how him taking you back is anything that you should be striving for.

[lostsunsets]

If I may point something out. You two are in a relatively new relationship. It takes time for two people to meld together in love and purpose. The problem is like a lot of people today. YOU WANT IT NOW. Gee, I guess he must have loved you. He forgave you the first time. Gee, I guess you didn't love him because you cheated a second time. You disagreed with him reading your e-mail? This is why you are not worth giving another chance to. You actually have an issue with him wanting to find out if you were cheating again. You need to read a bunch of the posters here, especially the cheaters. You all try to blame shift.

 

You want him back, write him a letter. Give him a few days to cool down. Then call him.

 

I would suggest that he not take you back. You are what is called a serial cheater and not worth the effort.

[tommyhigher2]

Why does he always check your email, isn't that controlling behavior? I never checked my exs' emails nor did I ever gave them my passwords account, why should I?? No need for that.

 

He's the one with the problem, you were only talking online.

[lostsunsets]

This from someone who messes around with married women. Your moral authority is somewhat in question.

[tommyhigher2]

This from someone who messes around with married women. Your moral authority is somewhat in question.

 

I only was involved with one married woman (the first and only time I was the OM) but I learned from that. It wasn't worth it. Now seriously who would be with someone that checks on your email. First why even give your SO your accounts, that's so idiotic IMO.

[Ariel25]

I can really sympathize with your situation. You were in the wrong, but you have acknowledged that and have given yourself enough punishment for that already. You don't need to hear it from people on this thread too.

Do you still want this relationship to work with your boyfriend? Even if he took you back a second time, the relationship would have so many hurdles to overcome. And isn't that one of the main problems before this situation?

I say that you move on and consider yourself better off. Make a clean break. Besides, if he was checking your emails in the first place it means that he didn't trust you, and who needs that?

Good luck.

[mark982]

he gave you a chance, and forgave you! you then did the EXACTsame thing again,and got caught,geez lady,what do you wanna do put your boot prints all over him? own up to your mistakes, cause he's written you off,you just can't be trusted and he realised it.

[lostsunsets]

Ariel, Cat, Both of you give no credit to love whatsoever. You don't think when someone loves you, they can't tell what you're doing. THEY LOVE YOU. Ariel, you have cheated on everyone whoever loved you. And you have a problem with someone reading your e-mail. You have a problem with it for the same reason cat has a problem with. YOU'RE BOTH SERIAL CHEATERS. NEITHER OF YOU HAVE THE SLIGHTEST CONCEPT OF WHAT AN HONEST RELATIONSHIP IS.

 

Cat wants forgiveness. Why? If she wants to go back into the relationship to hide her cheating, why have a relationship at all?

 

Ariel, you live a lie in your current relationship. And everyone you ever had.

 

THIS IS WHY YOU ARE BOTH HERE. YOU HAVE ROYALLY MESSED UP YOUR LIVES. AND NOW ARIEL IS GIVING ADVICE TO CAT. WHAT COLOR IS THE SKY IN THE WORLD YOU GIRLS LIVE ON?

 

Ariel, if your boyfriend new you wanted to do that guy at your work, and your history with other men, you don't think he would want to read your e-mail. Hell the only reason he hasn't is because you are a professional cheater.

 

Neither of you have the slightest concept of what HONESTY means. You both need serious therapy. You throw away love for a cheating thrill.

 

 

 

If you have nothing to hide. You don't need to hide anything.

[cat]

My post surely stirred up some emotions... name-calling and everything.

 

As a matter of fact, I have never cheated before and didn't have a physical relationship with anyone. I never laid a hand on this man. THis all took place online over the course of two weeks, in the middle of a relationship that was good in a lot of ways and flawed in others.

 

I don't know the history of anyone on this forum, but here's what I have realized... I am NOT a serial cheater. I have, in fact, NEVER CHEATED. See above. I have, in the past, looked in inappropriate places for affirmation when I wasn't feeling it. Not just in relationships, either. As a matter of fact, I have grown significantly in my self-esteem and capacity for love in the past five years. I'm doing my best. I'm not blame shifting either. What I did was my action and I take responsibility for it.

 

If I do ask my ex for forgiveness, I realize that it will take a huge amount of grace and faith for him to grant it. But, miracles do happen. It's going to have to rest for a while, though, because in the next few days I'm going to pray for guidance in my life-- to hear God's voice to guide my direction. If he's trying to help me move on for some other purpose, that's OK. If he's trying to help me humble myself to my ex and do my best to do better, also ok. I clearly need help with this issue (that's why i came here).

 

For you people in this forum, I really do admire your ability to grapple with tough stuff. Thank you for anyone who offered any support, and even to those who wanted to call me names and tell me to get my butt into therapy, you obviously wanted to get some point across, so thanks for the honesty.

 

And to answer someone's comment above, about what I expected my ex to do after the second time, exactly what he did. I'm not saying I deserve forgiveness.

 

I'm doing my very best that I can, just like everyone else.

[lostsunsets]

Cat, the FACT is your boyfriend thought it was cheating, didn't he? Was it both times with the same guy? Yes? That my friend is called an emotional affair. Based on your responses, you have yet to accept responsibility. and I will wager that you told your boyfriend its only in cyber space, it doesn't count. Your boyfriend thought is count. After the first time he caught you, he made a renewed effort to reconnect stronger to you. He tried, you cheated, then he dumped you. It sounds that this guy has his head on straight. He was merciful in giving you a second chance, But when he found out you couldn't be trusted he dumped you. And regarding him looking at your e-mail, if he was wrong in doing it, why do you want to go back with him. His problem is not the e-mail. Its the fact that it you give him permission to look at it. He knows you will only open another account and carry on what you were doing.

[cat]

well... (mostly) wrong again, but on these posts it's hard to communicate exactly where a person is.

 

As far as the online thing, I already agree with you-- the fact that HE thought it was wrong makes it wrong. I did NOT say to him "it's only in cyberspace so it doesn't count." the fact that it counts to him makes it count to our relationship. I would never invalidate him like that... and yes, I see the irony in that.

 

he trusted me and i betrayed that trust. but things heal over time, they can and they have. I really take issue with labels like "______ cannot be trusted, period," as if people are static and never have a chance to learn from their mistakes.

 

THere are reasons why I was holding back and wasn't 100% in, and maybe for those reasons our relationship needed to end, and this was jsut a particularly bad way. and Yes, he does have his head on straight in many ways. I disagree with you in that I'm not a serial cheater, but perhaps i'm a serial 80%-er, in that i have yet to completely let go and trust and fall in, believing things will work out. At the beginning of our relationship, I did. But as time went on, I pulled back. I brought up concerns, and nothing changed, and I had other options than to do waht I did.

 

About the email-- actually, I'm not all that horrified that he read it. I wish he'd asked me the first time about his suspicions. BUt I'm not all that shocked. HOwever, people that I have told are really shocked, and I'm wondering if I should be more so. I typically have difficulty getting angry at people who violate boundaries, and I just wasn't clear on this one yet.

 

No, I won't carry on what i'm doing. I typically am a straight, honest, above board person that people trust--that's another reason this has been hard. It calls that into questoin for me. Anyhow, I already wrote the person and said taht we needed to stop our communication, it's already ruined a huge aspect of my life, and I needed to keep everything above-board from now on. I believe the universe gives you what you ask for, and I think i'm playing with fire and asking for bad things,a nd that's not what I want for myself.

 

You know, I've already done a lot of self-refelction about things I should have done before getting into this relationship. Because I HADN'T done them, he clearly wasn't the one, because it's not the right time in my life. I will do them now.

 

The other thing I want to acknowledge for everyone, on either side of this situation, is how hard it is to lose someone you love, even if you were wrong and even if it's not the right person. Just because I made a mistake doesn't mean I don't deserve to work through the emotions. That's how people grow and keep from making them again.

[SoulStorm]

You know, I've already done a lot of self-refelction about things I should have done before getting into this relationship. Because I HADN'T done them, he clearly wasn't the one, because it's not the right time in my life. I will do them now.

 

 

It is unfair of you to make this judgment of him..maybe he was the one.

 

You were the one not ready. No one will be perfect. There is no perfect man or woman. Everyone has flaws. The thing is true love over looks flaws that are not detrimental to the relationship.

Love is about meeting someone else's needs..not being selfish because your own are not being met. your boyfriend gave you a second chance..he wanted this relationship and for reasons you may not want to admit..you really didn't. So he could have been the one..

[cat]

but doesn't "the one" come along when you're ready? THat's all I meant. and again, I'm not out here saying that I didn't make a mistake and have a TON to learn abotu trust and love.

[Kaii]

Why does he always check your email, isn't that controlling behavior? I never checked my exs' emails nor did I ever gave them my passwords account, why should I?? No need for that.

 

He's the one with the problem, you were only talking online.

 

Wow, seriously??

 

I see nothing wrong with him checking her email. I think a relationship should be completely open, with no secrets or hiding.

 

He obviously felt that something was not quite right, he checked her email...and he was RIGHT. What is wrong with that, exactly? The fact that she got caught?

 

The only reason I can see that someone would NOT want to give out their passwords to their SO is if they were hiding something from them.

[lostsunsets]

but doesn't "the one" come along when you're ready? THat's all I meant. and again, I'm not out here saying that I didn't make a mistake and have a TON to learn abotu trust and love.

 

Let me relate the wife and my story, I was 19 she was 24, We met while I was in the navy. She didn't want someone younger, a smoker, or someone in the navy. We had 2 weeks together (in combined dates and time together. I went out to sea for 7 months. I Got back at the end of February. We were married at the end of march. We were nothing alike. And there was no reason for us to be together. Me, broken family, drink, drugs. Her, whole family, straight arrow. We've been together now for 30 years. My point is. She was not ready for me. And I was not ready for her. But we loved each other and made it work. I love her more today then when we were married.

[SoulStorm]

but doesn't "the one" come along when you're ready? THat's all I meant. and again, I'm not out here saying that I didn't make a mistake and have a TON to learn abotu trust and love.

 

Again another misconception..Sometimes the one comes along to help you be ready..There is no fairy tale to relationships..They take work...lots of it. They are not easy. The sooner we realize this..the less we put unfair expectations on them

[cat]

Again another misconception..Sometimes the one comes along to help you be ready..There is no fairy tale to relationships..They take work...lots of it. They are not easy. The sooner we realize this..the less we put unfair expectations on them

 

Then, in a way, aren't all people sorta "the one"? A friend of mine calls people who make emotional marks on our lives "Teachers" in that the Universe always wants you to grow and expand in knowledge of love. I guess there's just one that a person winds up taking marriage vows with.

[SoulStorm]

Then, in a way, aren't all people sorta "the one"? A friend of mine calls people who make emotional marks on our lives "Teachers" in that the Universe always wants you to grow and expand in knowledge of love. I guess there's just one that a person winds up taking marriage vows with.

This is true...but there will be one that you just have a strong bond and connection with. You know when you love someone and are just fond of them. Loving someone means to be willing to sacrifice all for them...being fond means you enjoy their company,.

[cat]

I know you don't nkow me... but I'm asking you to guess. Are you saying that I'm only just fond of my ex, even though I think I love him? Because if i were in love with him, I would have sacrificed everything for him and been happy to do so?

 

These are interesting thoughts. It's been hard to get clarity around it all becuase of the rawness of our breakup. it's only just been since monday.

[SoulStorm]

I know you don't nkow me... but I'm asking you to guess. Are you saying that I'm only just fond of my ex, even though I think I love him? Because if i were in love with him, I would have sacrificed everything for him and been happy to do so?

 

These are interesting thoughts. It's been hard to get clarity around it all becuase of the rawness of our breakup. it's only just been since monday.

 

In a way....Sometimes people have issues with boundaries. You may be one of those people. I know that I would give all for my wife.. When I am about to do something that I know may anger my wife or go against her trust..I won't do it. When you love someone..they are always with you. Even when they are not physically there. I would say that you didn't put your boyfriend above your own need of emotional validation.

You do not think you love someone..you know it.

[cat]

I think those things can exist together, really.

 

I DO love him, even though people on this forum want to tell me that I don't.

 

and at the same time, i DID put my need for emotional validation ahead of him and our relationship. and i see how horrible and destructive it was, and i even saw it in the moment, but i didn't stop it, and i don't know why.

 

and i would say that i have had issues with boundaries, and have worked on them and improved an enormous amount, but clearly not enough. What I hope is that my ex will forgive that this is a huge shortcoming for me and give me another chance. People have healed from very bad things, worse things, before.

[SoulStorm]

I think those things can exist together, really.

 

I DO love him, even though people on this forum want to tell me that I don't.

 

and at the same time, i DID put my need for emotional validation ahead of him and our relationship. and i see how horrible and destructive it was, and i even saw it in the moment, but i didn't stop it, and i don't know why.

 

and i would say that i have had issues with boundaries, and have worked on them and improved an enormous amount, but clearly not enough. What I hope is that my ex will forgive that this is a huge shortcoming for me and give me another chance. People have healed from very bad things, worse things, before.

One thing..TRUST..it is hard to rebuild. Building trust after emotional or physical infidelity takes time. Almost equivalent to rebuilding the city of New York...Takes time and a lot of effort.

 

Transparency..open and honesty is the key.

And yes..you can be fond of someone and love them too, but love rules over the fondness..there are things you will do to save a relationship because of Love. Things you won't do if you are just fond of someone.

 

You must be proactive if you want him back..go to counseling on your own..show him you are willing to work at it to get the relationship back. And after it all he still may not come back..but you gave it a try

[SoulStorm]

Have you tried to call him and apologize? Text him or emailed him?

and if you did ..did he respond?