Stalked by XOP's W

[Lishy]

There are victims in this scenario and they are the husband, wife and kids of the people the cheats are married to!

 

The evil eye is getting off easy, you cannot expect to shag another womans husband and get off scott free!!

[desertmoon]

And.......???????????????

 

like i said, it's not going to do anything, really....did you also miss that? however, the xOM's wife is playing head games with her...two can play the game...or she can just ignore the pathetic, nutty woman...<shrug>

[bentnotbroken]

I guess you are right. I mean a woman's pain can be construed as pathetic and nutty. I guess I never thought of it that way, hmmm.

[desertmoon]

I guess you are right. I mean a woman's pain can be construed as pathetic and nutty. I guess I never thought of it that way, hmmm.

 

yes, people in pain can go nuts! I know my psych MD said I had a nervous breakdown because I couldn't eat nor sleep for days, didnt cry nor talk either-go figure- but I did not go around stalking some woman. What is the point to that? i mean, c'mon now, isn't it bad enough that you are the BS, you have to be the "crazy BS' in town? Have some pride!

[bentnotbroken]

yes, people in pain can go nuts! I know my psych MD said I had a nervous breakdown because I couldn't eat nor sleep for days, didnt cry nor talk either-go figure- but I did not go around stalking some woman. What is the point to that? i mean, c'mon now, isn't it bad enough that you are the BS, you have to be the "crazy BS' in town? Have some pride!

 

 

As has been pointed out so many times on this board, not everyone responds the same way to betrayal. Some people actually kill their spouses, AP and their children. Go figure. No one knows the emotional state of the BS when they get involved with A's. It is a chance that they seem willing to take. The OP didn't know the mental state of this woman when she invaded her life. But know she is beginning to think she is unstable, could it be she was unstable all along? Pride has nothing to do with mental illness, emotional breaks with reality or psychotic behavior.

 

We are always told about the fog that WS experience from the A. There are some BS who experience fog as well. What happens in that fog is any one's guess.

[desertmoon]

As has been pointed out so many times on this board, not everyone responds the same way to betrayal. Some people actually kill their spouses, AP and their children. Go figure. No one knows the emotional state of the BS when they get involved with A's. It is a chance that they seem willing to take. The OP didn't know the mental state of this woman when she invaded her life. But know she is beginning to think she is unstable, could it be she was unstable all along? Pride has nothing to do with mental illness, emotional breaks with reality or psychotic behavior.

 

We are always told about the fog that WS experience from the A. There are some BS who experience fog as well. What happens in that fog is any one's guess.

 

Still, some people seem to EXCUSE the behavior of the BS as acceptable...no it is not acceptable to stalk another person...for whatever reason...or how about this...maybe the WS has some psych issues, too--that's why she had an affair...where does it end?

 

black and white lines, bent...no excuses, remember?

[bentnotbroken]

Still, some people seem to EXCUSE the behavior of the BS as acceptable...no it is not acceptable to stalk another person...for whatever reason...or how about this...maybe the WS has some psych issues, too--that's why she had an affair...where does it end?

 

black and white lines, bent...no excuses, remember?

 

 

If you read all of my posts, I did say she wasn't right. But I do believe we reap what we sow. And if a woman talking to your neighbor and you see her around town looking at you, I'd say you got off pretty easy. Nothing about this whole situation is acceptable. Each action has a reaction, it may not be what you want, but it is what it is.

[Lucky_One]

Still, some people seem to EXCUSE the behavior of the BS as acceptable...no it is not acceptable to stalk another person...for whatever reason...or how about this...maybe the WS has some psych issues, too--that's why she had an affair...where does it end?

 

black and white lines, bent...no excuses, remember?

 

What is the BS doing, exactly, that constitutes stalking?

 

She and XMM are going as a couple to carpool their kids.

 

She has a friendship with OP's neighbor.

 

OP believes that BS follows her in a small town by car. (I live in a small town, and it is pretty hard to get from Point A to Point B without following folks sometimes.)

 

I don't see much here that is non-acceptable behavior. Perhaps the OP's guilt leads to a bit of paranoia, much like when you eat a candy bar while dieting, and then your spouse says "What's that on your mouth" and you freak out and say "I DIDN'T EAT A MILKY WAY!!" and your H is meaning that you have smeared lipstick.

[Reggie]

What is the BS doing, exactly, that constitutes stalking?

 

She and XMM are going as a couple to carpool their kids.

 

She has a friendship with OP's neighbor.

 

OP believes that BS follows her in a small town by car. (I live in a small town, and it is pretty hard to get from Point A to Point B without following folks sometimes.)

 

I don't see much here that is non-acceptable behavior. Perhaps the OP's guilt leads to a bit of paranoia, much like when you eat a candy bar while dieting, and then your spouse says "What's that on your mouth" and you freak out and say "I DIDN'T EAT A MILKY WAY!!" and your H is meaning that you have smeared lipstick.

 

Agree. NFW is this stalking.

[desertmoon]

What is the BS doing, exactly, that constitutes stalking?

 

She and XMM are going as a couple to carpool their kids.

 

She has a friendship with OP's neighbor.

 

OP believes that BS follows her in a small town by car. (I live in a small town, and it is pretty hard to get from Point A to Point B without following folks sometimes.)

 

I don't see much here that is non-acceptable behavior. Perhaps the OP's guilt leads to a bit of paranoia, much like when you eat a candy bar while dieting, and then your spouse says "What's that on your mouth" and you freak out and say "I DIDN'T EAT A MILKY WAY!!" and your H is meaning that you have smeared lipstick.

 

Perhaps....but really...all of a sudden she is always behind you driving on Main Street? All of a sudden she befriends your next door neighbor...alright...whatever...I still say, take a video of her every time she sees you on Main Street and makes a U-turn and lands right behind your van. I will even let it be known to her that I have instructed my lawyers that if something happens to me and/or my family, this is the person who has been following me....hey! two can act nutty!

[OFGnomore]

Thanks, Desert Moon, BNB, and Angelface for your thoughtful responses.

 

I don't think in any of my threads that I'm claiming to be a victim. I can totally relate to A fog and look back at my choices with deep regret. And yes, I agree that the true victims here are the BSs and the kids. But the past is the past and all we can do at this point is make positive steps to a better future. My point is that my H and I are no longer are part of OPs life. And the OPs W would be better off focusing on healing herself and her M versus what I'm up to or getting in my face whenever possible, especially since it's been several months since the disclosure.

 

Maybe I'm being paranoid because my H and I have decided to give them lots of space to heal in our small town, but I don't think so. It's all new behavior since discovery. As long as it doesn't escalate and persist, I hope she gets what she needs from it to help her move on and forward to understanding what was happening in their M and why her H chose to step out. I think that's what affairs really boil down to, IMO.

 

Yeah two can play games. But I'm not, I don't want to add gas or oxygen to a fire so I'm just going to ignore it with no eye contact, nothing.

[OFGnomore]

Deserving or not, natural or not...this is a problem.

The biggest part of the problem needs to remain in focus:

YOUR marriage and recovery.

How does your husband feel about this?

Is he aware of the "stalking" behavior you are experiencing?

What is his take and what does he want you to do?

 

This other man's wife , by her actions, is probably unaware that her behavior is keeping the A and her husband in the forefront of your mind. So, its there in your marriage. As part of recovery you have to handle this together with your husband.

 

She might get bored with it, lose interest and go away. But some people obsess and she might continue.

 

I agree about where the focus needs to be for me and H. Yeah I hope she get's bored with it. The only thing that makes me think it may continue or escalate is that she is publically blaming me and H for her current situation and not looking inward at herself, her H or her M.

 

Only time will tell though. In the mean time it's business as usual and avoid contact.

[OFGnomore]

OP, it doesn't surprise me that your xMM's BW is placing all the blame on you. If she faced up to the fact thta her WS was to blame - for whatever proportion - she'd have to admit to herself that either (a) she was choosing to stay M to someone who clearly had dissed her, had chosen to invest in some other R with some other woman, and who had been less invested in the M than she was - or (b) her poor, helpless H had had no choice but to get inolved in the A because he'd been forced by circumstances (a suboptimal M, the enticemnt and excitement of an A) to step outside of the M. The first is an indictment of her H, the second and indictment of her M - both of which imply failings on her part (her judgment in the first case, her role as a W in the second). Since she clearly can't deal with that kind of responsibility, she has to go for possibility © - that he was abducted by aliens, had his brain fried by the anal probe and was acting under orders from the alien mothership. ie, you.

 

Of course this means she'll never be able to recover her M sufficiently, since they'll never be able to face up to the problems that led the A to take hold (wherever they lie) while she's off in cuckooland, but that's their problem, not yours. Your problem is to deal with the impact of her insanity on your family.

 

I've had experience of stalking before - and while I don't know your local laws, I do know that it is something that has been increasing exponentially as a problem, ocasionally with fatal consequences, and so is typically taken seriously by police. Whether or not they can actively DO anything about it now, if she's not actually stepped outside of the law, it's still a good idea to place it on record with the local police station so that if there's any escalation, they have a record. I've found that, in most cases, the mere mention to the offender that you've been in touch with the police is sufficient to get them to reappraise their conduct; but if it doesn't work in your case and the behaviour escalates, you may need to collect evidence to support a RO.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks OW. I agree about owning the problems of the M. H, although deeply hurt, can look back and own what he did and didn't do prior to the A. We both admit the climate of our M sucked and we both contributed to it. But the A was my choice, not from a wise mind, and I cannot and will not blame H for that nor does he take any responsiblity for me messing up to that degree. And he hasn't forgiven me yet. But is working towards forgiveness.

[bentnotbroken]

Thanks, Desert Moon, BNB, and Angelface for your thoughtful responses.

 

I don't think in any of my threads that I'm claiming to be a victim. I can totally relate to A fog and look back at my choices with deep regret. And yes, I agree that the true victims here are the BSs and the kids. But the past is the past and all we can do at this point is make positive steps to a better future. My point is that my H and I are no longer are part of OPs life. And the OPs W would be better off focusing on healing herself and her M versus what I'm up to or getting in my face whenever possible, especially since it's been several months since the disclosure.

 

Maybe I'm being paranoid because my H and I have decided to give them lots of space to heal in our small town, but I don't think so. It's all new behavior since discovery. As long as it doesn't escalate and persist, I hope she gets what she needs from it to help her move on and forward to understanding what was happening in their M and why her H chose to step out. I think that's what affairs really boil down to, IMO.

 

Yeah two can play games. But I'm not, I don't want to add gas or oxygen to a fire so I'm just going to ignore it with no eye contact, nothing.

 

 

I think you have the right attitude to move on with your family and have a successful life. A are hard, but in a small town, they must be doubly so. You and your H seem to have a plan of action and a united front. MM wife, may just need to be seen and know she isn't invisible. She will get to the point of dealing with her marital issues. We all have to face our contributions to marital discord...eventually in order to move forward. You seem to understand she needs something to heal. Just remain vigilant in case of escalation, but now it Inst really anything more than a coping mechanism for her.

[Dexter Morgan]

Still, some people seem to EXCUSE the behavior of the BS as acceptable...no it is not acceptable to stalk another person

 

I do agree that the BS shouldn't stalk her. I wouldn't waste my time on an OM other than to out him to a possible significant other. I wouldn't stalk him. My time is more valuable than that.

 

But I do feel that the BS is justifiably angry at OFGnomore.

 

The following her in the car is one thing, but OFG shouldn't be playing woe-is-me regarding getting an evil eye.

[Dexter Morgan]

My point is that my H and I are no longer are part of OPs life. And the OPs W would be better off focusing on healing herself and her M versus what I'm up to or getting in my face whenever possible, especially since it's been several months since the disclosure.

 

I do agree with the bolded part. I think the OM's wife should have, at the most, confronted you face to face, gave you a right deserved tongue lashing, vented, got it all out....then let that be the end of it.

 

I certainly can't blame the BS's attitude towards you whatsoever, but following around someone that screwed my spouse isn't something I'd have done. I'd have said my peace, got it off my chest, then left it at that...just like I did before my divorce was final.

 

 

As long as it doesn't escalate and persist, I hope she gets what she needs from it to help her move on and forward to understanding what was happening in their M and why her H chose to step out. I think that's what affairs really boil down to, IMO.

 

I don't care what anyone says....this is nothing but justification and excuse.

 

You were doing good up til that point.

[pelicanpreacher]

Hmmmm! You aided and abetted in soiling her marriage for 2 years but expect her to get over it in 5 months? Since D-Day, she's felt the stares and heard the snickering of all who've been aware of the affair in your small town being conducted behind her back which has put her life and marriage on front street yet you feel irritated that she'd dare to put yours there too? You've assumed that she hasn't been introspective in examining problems within herself, husband, and marriage but conveniently forgot that you interjected yourself as a piece of the puzzle by willingly boning her husband without regard for the added damage you were inflicting on her life and family as well? When OM began pursuing you, instead of behaving with dignity and integrity by harshly and pointedly rebuffing his advances, a spring loaded trap snapped your legs wide open for business yet you find the discomfort of her revulsion and outrage to be a sign of mental imbalance or unethical in its response?

 

You decided of your own free will to sneak into her life in the most despicable manner possible so she's asserted herself at the forefront of yours to let you know that you will not be allowed to haunt the shadowed fringes of her existance anymore. When she is satisfied that you know your place and no longer present a threat to her life, family, and well being she'll be confident enough to expose her back without fear of your knife and move on with her life but not until she's sure and ready so I'd advise that you contemplate this and live with the fact that you have created an enemy in your world that may never forget or forgive what you've done.

[Reggie]

I agree about where the focus needs to be for me and H. Yeah I hope she get's bored with it. The only thing that makes me think it may continue or escalate is that she is publically blaming me and H for her current situation and not looking inward at herself, her H or her M.

 

Only time will tell though. In the mean time it's business as usual and avoid contact.

 

Yes, if this is only a few months post discovery, it is not surprising that she may be actin out of character. It is a huge trauma to someone and it will take her some time to get over the blow you two delivered to her.

At some point, she will may heal enough to take a look at the problems in the marriage that predate the affair. In addition to looking inward at herself, she will have to take a look at her H's contribution, as well. Clearly, he is no prize to have done this to her and the family.

Seems you are safe and she is doing nothing illegal or threatening. Her behavior seems quite mild relative to the trauma you guys inflicted. I think yu are right to just ignore it.

[NoIDidn't]

She is not doing anything illigal and the cops will not get involved in sorting it out.

 

You have to be prepared that some men will start hitting on you just to see if you really live up to your reputation.

 

It looks that you might have complicated your life a bit... but no one will take the memories of the affair from you.

 

OP I agree with the men hitting on you thing. Even the BW has to worry about this as some men will think she wants a revenge affair. She's not doing anything illegal, so you have to ignore it.

 

You could report it. Nothing will or should be done at this point. No laws are being broken and it is doubtful it will continue too long or escalate.

I'd just suck it up and ignore it. WTF, your concerns are dwarfed by the pain of the BSs. Toughen up. You are not the victim here.

 

Again, agree that the OP should just ignore it. After two years of sleeping with the woman's H's, this is her pennance.

 

As long as it doesn't escalate and persist, I hope she gets what she needs from it to help her move on and forward to understanding what was happening in their M and why her H chose to step out. I think that's what affairs really boil down to, IMO.

 

Yeah two can play games. But I'm not, I don't want to add gas or oxygen to a fire so I'm just going to ignore it with no eye contact, nothing.

 

Great! Its about the only thing you can do so long as its not escalating.

 

Hmmmm! You aided and abetted in soiling her marriage for 2 years but expect her to get over it in 5 months? Since D-Day, she's felt the stares and heard the snickering of all who've been aware of the affair in your small town being conducted behind her back which has put her life and marriage on front street yet you feel irritated that she'd dare to put yours there too? You've assumed that she hasn't been introspective in examining problems within herself, husband, and marriage but conveniently forgot that you interjected yourself as a piece of the puzzle by willingly boning her husband without regard for the added damage you were inflicting on her life and family as well? When OM began pursuing you, instead of behaving with dignity and integrity by harshly and pointedly rebuffing his advances, a spring loaded trap snapped your legs wide open for business yet you find the discomfort of her revulsion and outrage to be a sign of mental imbalance or unethical in its response?

 

You decided of your own free will to sneak into her life in the most despicable manner possible so she's asserted herself at the forefront of yours to let you know that you will not be allowed to haunt the shadowed fringes of her existance anymore. When she is satisfied that you know your place and no longer present a threat to her life, family, and well being she'll be confident enough to expose her back without fear of your knife and move on with her life but not until she's sure and ready so I'd advise that you contemplate this and live with the fact that you have created an enemy in your world that may never forget or forgive what you've done.

 

Wow, though the tone is harsh, its definitely worth repeating. She's watching you as you have proven untrustworthy. She's having her H in the car with her during carpooling as he's proven untrustworthy. She's reeling. Still trying to regain her bearings. She just needs time.

[OFGnomore]

Yes, if this is only a few months post discovery, it is not surprising that she may be actin out of character. It is a huge trauma to someone and it will take her some time to get over the blow you two delivered to her.

At some point, she will may heal enough to take a look at the problems in the marriage that predate the affair. In addition to looking inward at herself, she will have to take a look at her H's contribution, as well. Clearly, he is no prize to have done this to her and the family.

Seems you are safe and she is doing nothing illegal or threatening. Her behavior seems quite mild relative to the trauma you guys inflicted. I think yu are right to just ignore it.

 

I agree with everything you say Reggie. I think H and I are at the place where we are so soon is become I confessed on my own accord and answered all his questions honestly. He also read email correspondence between me and xOP that verified what I told him about the pursual and me attempting to end things. A very small comfort to H but a step towards rebuilding trust in our M. If the matter were reversed, I pursued xMM, he tried to end it, and then xMM forced me to confess to H I think H would be having a much harder time right now.

 

I first posted here back in September asking whether I should confess or not. Several months later, post confession, here I am with the fallout. I have no regrets about confessing the A only to getting involved in the first place.

 

I'm signing off again. Take care everyone.

[OFGnomore]

OP I agree with the men hitting on you thing. Even the BW has to worry about this as some men will think she wants a revenge affair. She's not doing anything illegal, so you have to ignore it.

 

**Maybe the men will hit on me, but H blasted the A news around town to humilate us both when I confessed. All embarrassing emails by XOP and me. (H is smart that way)I'm not sure if any men want that wrath brougth upon them. Especially, when some of the emails discussed xMMs, uh, embarrassing sexual problems.

 

 

Again, agree that the OP should just ignore it. After two years of sleeping with the woman's H's, this is her pennance.

 

**I agree, I'm not asking to get off the hook. And FTR, it was an emotional A. I can count the number of times sex took place on one hand. Not that it makes it more excusable.

 

 

 

Great! Its about the only thing you can do so long as its not escalating.

 

**Agreed.

 

 

 

Wow, though the tone is harsh, its definitely worth repeating. She's watching you as you have proven untrustworthy. She's having her H in the car with her during carpooling as he's proven untrustworthy. She's reeling. Still trying to regain her bearings. She just needs time.

 

** Ultimately my trustworthiness is not her concern but her H's trustworthiness is. And I agree about needing time. I guess I was caught off guard by her recent behavior because she told so many people she forgave H immediately and "has moved on".

[NoIDidn't]

 

** Ultimately my trustworthiness is not her concern but her H's trustworthiness is. And I agree about needing time. I guess I was caught off guard by her recent behavior because she told so many people she forgave H immediately and "has moved on".

 

I agree. A minor confession. When I first found out about my H's EA, I would drive through her neighborhood looking for her actual apartment building. I had the address but didn't know exactly where it was. I wasn't going to do anything. I didn't even want to be seen.

 

And I didn't want to glare at her. That would have been *fighting words* culturally speaking for us.

 

But I got over it. Just like you said. Her behavior with my H was not my responsibility. In fact, his behavior wasn't either. I decided to deal with me.

 

I think she rushed to forgive him not knowing the facts. Her H, your former AP, must have laid on the lies pretty thick. My H lied about no more contact, so that was part of my insecurity. But sitting in the car looking into an apartment complex hallway was hardly helping, lol.

 

She just needs time. Time and some time to do some personal introspection as to why she's on guard against you right now.

 

Believe me, its unsettling to you, but its normal to some BSs. I got a phone call from a friend who was sitting in the parking lot of her H's ex (pregnant) OP's apartment once. And all she was doing was crying.

 

So long as it doesn't escalate, you'll be fine.

[OFGnomore]

Okay, I know I said I'm signing off but I had to say this one more thing and that is I'm moved by those of you women who responded to my post with compassion. It appears that some of you may be the OP or the BS or might have been both at some point. And in addition to hurting my husband, I feel like I violated a sisterhood so to speak by my actions. Any I'm sorry to have heard that some of you responders suffered from your own experience with betrayal. But it's given me hope to how people can heal and have grace in their lives. Thanks for giving me advice, without the venom. And for those who responded with venom, it's hard to go through life in a hurt place, I know BTDT and that played a part in my current dilemna. Old, unresolved hurts in my life. Anyway, peace and hope to you all as well.

 

Good luck your journies.

[2sure]

That was just so....nice. Hey - good luck to you.

[Reggie]

Rotsa Ruck.