Feeling as lousy as I made her feel. Just need to vent

[DudeMan27]

Its been 4 weeks of no contact since the breakup. 4 weeks since I she break it off, I walked out her door as she stood there crying. Ive done all the normal overthinking/overanalyzing of absolutely everything. But one thing that I can't shake more than the breakup, is how I kind of broke up with her last year, and now im feeling as crappy and crazy as she was then.

 

I'll try to keep this short. Its been a little over a year since a mutual friend got us together. Around the time we met, I just happend to also be getting interest from a couple other girls as well. Im not really a ladies man, and dont date alot, usually go about 1 1/2- 2 years between girlfriends, so I was feeling good about myself. I was heartbroken from a previous relationship, one which i was completely walked over, and put up this huge macho wall vowing not to "take crap" from females again. I began dating my now ex for about a month. I liked her as she did me but I held back from her in ways. A friend of mine came home from a military stint so we decided to go away for a weekend and have a big party. One of these other girls was planning to be there because of me and since I wasnt totally exclusive with my ex, I schemed around it so she would not come incase this other girl did. Again, I know that sounds terrible, but believe me, thats not the guy I am. It was the mentality I was in at the time. All my friends go out with girl after girl, hooking up. I was never that guy but I think for once in my life I wanted to be.

 

I only ended up drunkenly one night making out with a girl at the party. Soon after, my ex started piecing things together and was suspicious that I lied to her about the party. For about a week it was non-stop calls accusing me of sleeping with all kinds of other girls. She would check my facebook, myspace, call me over and over about it. One night she called and we discussed it. It was very late and I went to bed. She called right back with more accusations. She was saying how she's been crying and non-stop thinking about it and that shes never acted like (she really liked me) that before and didnt like the person she was with me. Me, with my stupid new macho attitude, who vowed to worry about myself instead of women since I have been so hurt and screwed over in the past, just told her if she didnt believe me and didnt like who she was, then just end it. That "i didnt care"

 

About a month or so passed. I kept in minimal contact with her. IM's, texts. Then I finally realized what a stupid jerk I was and wanted her back. It took a while, but I was lucky enough for her to come back after much talking about her emotional walls, trust, etc. I explained to her exactly what I did above, that I had a certain attitude due to a previous crappy relationship, and I realized it wasnt fair to take bad feelings from an old girlfriend out on her. She was seeing someone at the time and I was devistated. We eventually got back together for about 8 more months. Things were up and down once again because of my emotionally pulling away. She is the easiest girl to get along with, and there'd be times where I would get upset with her for little things, but we'd always make up. Time and time again I would tell myself to remember how horrible I felt when she wouldnt come back to me, but I STILL sometimes had the same lousy macho attitude. (Not looking for other girls, I would never cheat on her, the kissing a girl the first time was a drunken mistake) but things like, if she wanted me to spend the entire weekend with her, I'd "stand up for myself" and let her know that my friends are important to me too, and one night a weekend I like to spend with them. It was just stupid stuff like that, she would get upset about, but I would see it as me not getting walked all over.

 

She broke it off a month ago after some problems we were having. Some sexual (on my end that I put off getting taken care of out of embarassment, even tho she was 100% supportive) and also I got upset with her over something stupid on new years eve. I think that got the ball rolling with her frustration. i dont really feel like getting into it as its not the point of my venting.

 

The point is, I'm the one sitting here now, losing sleep, non-stop analyzing, wondering who she's with, jealous, sad, depressed. Wanting her so bad, wanting to just spend an entire weekend with her. When a year ago, I had this girl (what i want soooo bad now) in the same situation I am now, and it makes me feel horrible that I made her feel like this. I keep imaging her checking her computer, walking aroudn all day thinking about me, stressing, and when she would call me late in the night worried and I answered the phone angrily "WHAT!" I CANNOT believe I did that to this girl. Yeah, we got back togetehr and it was over a year ago, but I wouldnt wish this feeling on anyone, especially someone I love. Its not even the breakup that hurts so much, it knowing that, for some unknown, or subconcious reason, I pushed this girl away sooo much.

 

I know alot will say I got what I deserved, and I believe I did. But please keep in mind Im not a bad guy. I always treated my gf's like gold. I was always the sweetest guy and showered my gf's with gifts and did wanted ever they wanted. And I think thats why I acted like this. It was piling up and piling up, that I developed a bit of resentment towards women since I have been so screwed over in the past. I just HATE that the one girl that absolutely deserved it the least, is the one who caught me in this point of my life. I HATE IT. So many other girls I dated deserved for me to act this way toward them for walking all over me and treating me badly. Not this girl. She is the most caring, sweet, trustworthy, and understand person I know, yet I couldn't even keep my head on straight enough to realize she isnt the other girls who cheated on me, she isnt the other girl who got engaged 3 weeks after we broke up. She didnt deserve any of it. I just want to talk to her so bad, even if its just to tell her how sorry I am. I feel now how she felt a year ago. I deserve it, she 100% did not and its eating me alive that I caused her this pain.

[DudeMan27]

Wow. I just realized how long winded that is. I apologize. If anyone reads it and can give me any words of wisdom, I would truely appreciate your time and Thank you.

[Flying Burrito]

Different situations, but there are a few things here I can relate to.

 

This especially sounded like us:

She is the easiest girl to get along with, and there'd be times where I would get upset with her for little things, but we'd always make up.

I once yelled at my ex for bringing me homemade soup when I got sick.

[Ayla]

Hi there,

 

Reading your post made me wonder if my ex bf is doing the same thing. He hurt me really badly when we broke up 3 weeks ago. The break up was really a shock and unexpected. 3 days later he slept with someone else (just sex) and was so mean to me and cold the following day. Which was just not like him. I am wondering if he is feeling as awful as you feel, I am pretty sure he is not feeling great.

 

If I were your ex gf - you would need to work really hard to prove to her that you deserve her love. As you well know you have a hurt her really badly. There is nothing like knowing that you are a great gf and can make a person happy and they push you away...hurts like mad.

 

Start with small things - do not bombard her with gifts and phone calls. Maybe write her a letter - a basic letter. Telling her how sorry you are. At least then that is done. At this point in time I would love to get a letter like that from my ex bf. If he ever wants me back - and I am sure one day he will. he would have to work really hard to gain my trust. But it is the small things that matter. The letter is a start.

 

The other thing is to stay single - if you want to try and win her back - you need to prove to her that she is the only one for you. Do not bed hop or go on dates. Occassionally send her a joke - something to make her laugh and at the end tell her you miss her, or how beautiful she is....but do not play games.

 

If you think she would be better off without you, write her the letter and tell her you are sorry. Tell her that you love her, but you think she would be better off without you. However give her the option to disagree with you. You can not make the decision for her as to what is best - let her be the final decision maker.

 

I am guessing that form her point of view - she probably still loves you, but is really hurt and angry right now...as I am....but I would do anything to hear from mine..

 

Take care - let me know if you want me to be a soundboard.

[Bluebird In My Heart]

...when she would call me late in the night worried and I answered the phone angrily "WHAT!" ...

 

 

 

...And I think thats why I acted like this. It was piling up and piling up, that I developed a bit of resentment towards women since I have been so screwed over in the past. I just HATE that the one girl that absolutely deserved it the least, is the one who caught me in this point of my life. I HATE IT. So many other girls I dated deserved for me to act this way toward them for walking all over me and treating me badly. Not this girl. She is the most caring, sweet, trustworthy, and understand person I know, yet I couldn't even keep my head on straight enough to realize she isnt the other girls who cheated on me, she isnt the other girl who got engaged 3 weeks after we broke up. She didnt deserve any of it. I just want to talk to her so bad, even if its just to tell her how sorry I am. I feel now how she felt a year ago. I deserve it, she 100% did not and its eating me alive that I caused her this pain.

 

 

I knew a man like this; I was that woman.

 

I don't know what you want here - absolution? To know how "bad" you are for what you did?

 

Don't ask her to give it you. She's better than that.

 

She will always be the one who got away. I hope you find someone half as good as her next time. They don't fall out of trees, and I am sure you are coming to the painful realization of that fact.

 

What you are experiencing is a little thing called Empathy.

Empathy will only do you good if you use it to make good choices from here on out, not to flagellate yourself with it.

 

I wish you well.

 

x

[DudeMan27]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I should point out that these instances were few and far between, stretched out over the year. The first part was very very early in the relationship and we got thru it. Im not sure if a letter would work, as she is the one who ended it. It was, as our mutual friend who set us up described it, a clean break. No fighting, no anger, at least on my end. We just cried and cried, and said goodbye.

 

The last couple months of the relationship I was the kind of boyfriend I wish I would have been the entire time. I constantly told her how much I missed her. Would text her from work to let her know I was thinking about her. Really went all out for valentines day and her birthday. But this is about the time she starting becomming distant and saying shes feeling numb emotionally (it was because of me. we were having talks about what was wrong in the relationship, and I was frustrating her because I was hesitating with some things to fix it. If anyone wants to know specifically you can ask, but its too painful to type out now)

 

One of the last weeks we were together, we had another talk. She was crying and saying how confused she was, that she didnt want to make the wrong decision because I was such a good boyfriend. I really hope she meant that. That was over a month ago, and it still means alot to me. I know when people break up with someone they compliment them. She kept telling me how wonderful I was. And our mutual friend told me after the break up that my ex "wanted to be completely supportive, and asked my friend to please be there for me and also said "she still thinks your amazing" Whether thats just break up speak or not, it means alot to me.

 

I havent spoken to her since that day, but when we do I was planning on keeping it light and friendly like most advise on here. But at some point I really need to acknowledge that Im sorry for some of the things I did. I wasnt a mean boyfriend, I was just frustrating at times with not fully giving myself up to her. I just HATE that I feel this way NOW. There were times I would question my feelings because I would do stuff like leave first thing in the morning, when she would want to spend the day together. If while in the relationship I felt the way i do now (that shes the most beautiful person Ive ever seen, missing her, etc) We may still be together. I just have this sick feeling as if the relationship was wasted because alot of the time I didnt have that "honeymoon, head over heals" feeling that I do now. I struggle with these thoughts.

[Desirableny07]

Hey there. I am going to give you a synopsis of the same thing happening to me, because then I can give you advice on what I would want to see happen in order to even think about going back. This is a heavy situation, but for some reason, even though I am (the ex girlfriend you still love) in my own case, I feel for you. My ex boyfriend has a child with a girl who really treated him badly. She cheated on him and left him while he was away for boot camp, and he came back to an empty house. She walked all over him, she didn't give a crap about him, and tried to control him. After she cheated they broke up, and my ex boyfriend went on a sexual rampage (I'm sure you didn't, but he did). When that fizzled, he realized that he wanted a nice girl who he could love and someone who would love his children. Enter me. We met at my cousin's wedding, I was the maid of honor, he was the best man. We were together for 7 months before I found out that he had cheated on me towards the end, and was hiding TONS of things from me. I gave him unconditional love and support, and treated him like the platinum I thought he was and could be.

 

Overall, my ex, like you my dear, had up a huge emotional wall. He did not want to be taken advangtage of again, did not want to be cheated on again, so he took the nicest girl to ever walk into his life and did EXACTLY what his ex to did to him. Big mistake. Really big mistake. You have to understand that when you are the female in this situation, we feel very used, abused, and sort of as if we were an "experiment" for the guy to get over the pain he had in his last relationship. Sort of like trial and error. This girl has good reason to lose control and be overly emotional and upset with you. The break-up was awful for her, I'm telling you that right now. BUT...because there is always a BUT, the last thing you should try to do is push this thing too hard. I think a lot of damage has been done, and while I believe in second chances, unfortunately this is going to have to be on her own terms. It's been 2 months since my breakup, and I haven't heard a thing. I just know he went back to sleeping around and getting drunk every night (nice, right? He has a 3 year old child). For you though doll, give the situation some space. People need time to heal their wounds. She cannot (and you cannot) even consider giving this another go-round until you both have fully healed from it and can maybe work at starting over from scratch. That means you NEED to be sure that you will no longer treat women as you were treated by one other person, it's simply not fair, but understable in a way. The pain is still deep, I understand completely, but you need to heal from this too. You need to find out what it is that you are seeking from a woman, and if it's her, I wish you all the best. Really though, give it some time, keep minimal contact, and if you really are ready to finally be the guy she needs, something in the Universe will be delivered to her that will prove in her heart that you are sincere. I'll be honest, she probably doesn't have much of a reason to forgive at this point, but that doesn't mean she won't. I hope this has helped. If you need to talk more about this, with me being the other side of things, you can email me, [email protected]. Take care and best of luck.