Sexually Frustrated

[aeren944]

I see what you're saying, lostsunsets. I do understand what everyone else is saying, too. I suppose that wouldn't fix the actual problem, it would just glaze over it until we got married.

 

I do feel like sex would make my view of the relationship stronger. I feel like a jerk saying that, though, because I don't think sex equals love. But that makes a lot of sense that men judge the condition of the relationship through sex. Maybe that's why I'm so weirded out about it. I'm not saying that everything in the relationship is bad because the sex is withheld, but I do find myself doubting us or feeling insecure because of the sex thing.

 

I grew up in a very religious household, so it's tough for me to deal with these issues. Sex, to me, was always taught as being bad. So, when I want it, I feel bad, and I feel too selfish. These are just things I need to work through in my own head, but I do need to focus on either fixing it, or finding the sex I need.

 

I think a healthy sexual relationship consists of being able to talk about it, exploring each other's tastes, and always trying to become better in bed. I don't think it should be awkward or weird, especially when you're dealing with someone you've spent a good majority of a decade with. I think it has something to do with making me feel insecure in the relationship, and I need to not feel like I'm being selfish, and realize that it's something good for me in our relationship. I dunno.

[aeren944]

I don't really think she's actually withholding the sex, but I'm not sure. Do you guys really think she'd do that? I mean, it seems like that's not the issue, but I guess I don't know.

[Lizzie60]

Naaah.. I honestly don't think she deliberately withold sex for the ring..

 

She wants the commitment, the ring, etc... WITHOUT the sex..

[BladeRunner]

Aeren - I have asked the same questions in the past and can distill the answers I received.

 

First, on the question of getting some on the side. Most posters say no and that it will ruin your relationship. My own theory is that your gf or wife should have all your sexual energy (including that which might otherwise be going to solo performances).

 

There is a good chance that you will ruin your relationship if you mess around. If you are reading these infidelity threads, you already know that it will cause your gf terrible pain if you're caught. Here's the corollary - if it's a regular thing, you will probably get caught or she will pick up on it.

 

Second, sex is important. It's important enough to end a relationship over. It's not being shallow to recognize and respect your own needs. Also, I saw somewhere that arguing over sex is actually better than withdrawing into a cocoon in resentment.

 

I also have several additional gratuitous comments. First - she might be the one messing around. Women are very sneaky - they're extremely good at deception when they want to be. For instance, many women have convinced their husbands that they are no longer interested in sex at all when the truth is that they are just not interested in their husbands. Don't get paranoid; just don't be clueless.

 

Second - it could be that in settling into your relationship, you became complacent, boring (remember I don't know you, so don't take this personally) and you aren't pushing her attraction buttons like you used to. If that's the case, you can remedy it - just something to keep in mind.

 

Third - it really is true that after a while in a relationship, and especially after children, a certain significant percentage of women are no longer interested in sex. [but also consider that an opposite group of women say that they couldn't withhold sex as punishment of their bf or husband because they like the sex too much.]

 

And finally...be sure that the rock the world sex is actually rocking her world as well as yours.

 

Best of luck to you. Getting this issue figured out between the two of you really is worth the effort.

[aeren944]

Thanks for your words, BladeRunner. Yeah, I understand that cheating on her is not the way to go... I just feel kinda at the end of my rope and just looking for advice on what I should expect or do.

 

I'm just assuming that it's the kids and stuff that have made her not so interested in sex. It's much more plausible than her cheating on me or that there's not enough romance... cuz it seems like I'm always the one trying to be romantic and get her in the mood.

 

So, if that's the case, then my question still remains... do I just get into some porn? That sounds really stupid, but I dunno.

 

Actually, like I said before, she always says that the sex is awesome after we have it, and I can seriously tell... she's not faking. So I'm pretty sure I can rock her world now and again.

 

I just feel kinda weird getting into porn when I've got the person that I want to have sex with. Don't get me wrong, I'm not making any kind of value judgement on porn, I just think that's kinda worthless if you can get the real thing, you know?

[Athena]

I wonder how she will feel when she finds out you are using porn? Will she be relieved that you are not 'hounding' her, or will she be angry and withdraw even more?

Personally I don't see anything wrong with a bit of porn -- heck maybe put on a movie for both of you to watch...maybe that'll get her attention... but I do caution you on getting 'addicted' to porn... then that's no good, and also, you probably will wind up with less sex...ugh

 

I think I remember when my kids were young and I was tired out at the end of the day, that perhaps I wasn't as into sex then as usual, but I wouldn't say no to H, we would figure something else out... and... most times I would find once we got started, I wasn't tired anymore and actually enjoyed it.

 

Yes, sometimes I would feel too tired for sex when the kids were little...and H didn't help me with them, but at the same time I didn't believe in 'withholding' sex... even if tired, it can still be good, or else we would come to a compromise... does your g/f give you a bj instead, if she isn't up to sex? Or, would she let you 'get off' on some of her body parts ... that would be better than porn, right?

 

Seriously, if she is a woman who isn't going to enjoy sex with you, what kind of a future are you settling for?

Also, insist on her getting a medical to rule out any physical cause.

[aeren944]

Yes, Athena, that would definately be better than porn. However, it's tough to get that if she's unwilling to talk about sex. That's what I mean... I'd love to tell her that we don't HAVE to have sex, but it seems weird when I talk to her about it.

 

I don't get bjs... my girlfriend doesn't think she's good at them... and she doesn't want to try. I feel like it either sex or nothing with her... but I don't really know if that's the case, since she avoids talking to me about it.

 

And you're right, I don't want to settle for a woman who won't enjoy sex with me.

[Lizzie60]

This is very 'déja vu'... someone else posted the exact same problem.. not too long ago.. I forgot who.

 

Anyway.. I think you have a very 'lazy' lover in your hands.. there is not much you can do about it.

 

So.. if you don't want to have an A... you don't want to watch porn and masturbate.. you don't have much option.. now do you?

[Athena]

Yes, Athena, that would definately be better than porn. However, it's tough to get that if she's unwilling to talk about sex. That's what I mean... I'd love to tell her that we don't HAVE to have sex, but it seems weird when I talk to her about it.

 

I don't get bjs... my girlfriend doesn't think she's good at them... and she doesn't want to try. I feel like it either sex or nothing with her... but I don't really know if that's the case, since she avoids talking to me about it.

 

And you're right, I don't want to settle for a woman who won't enjoy sex with me.

 

Maybe you could write to her? Is she shy about talking about sex, and perhaps could email back and forth with you? lol... or write her a letter?

I think it is VERY strange that just because she doesn't want to talk about sex, or have sex, or give you oral sex, that then that is how it is?!

This is YOUR life too, your needs have to be considered too, not just hers... really, I think you need to either book the two of you into marriage counseling to specifically deal with the lack of sex issue... several sessions to get that aired out.

Or -- seriously think of parting ways. How old are you? Can you honestly accept that she calls the shots on your sexuality? She seems rather selfish to me.

If it is a temporary issue, fine, you would deal with it, but the fact that she will not talk to you is a deal breaker in my opinion... if you cannot discuss it, how on earth can you solve the problem?

[aeren944]

Well, it's not entirely that she won't talk to me... but when I try to initiate the conversation, it's almost awkward or weird, like she doesn't WANT to talk about it. She's 26, I'm 28, so we're pretty young.

 

Like I said before, I grew up in a religious household, so this is a stretch to even talk about sex or think about my own sexual needs. But you're right, we definately need to do something, or else I'm just going to be unhappy with the sex and eventually be driven away.

[Athena]

Yes, I agree you need to do something about solving the problem, because ignoring the issue will not make it go away. Granted, in about 6 years time when the youngest child is more independent of Mom, and your g/f is more into her sexual prime, then your sex life may well become better balanced all on its own, but why waste several years waiting in the meantime?

 

How about your g/f's upbringing? Was she also raised in a household where sex was not talked about?

 

I definitely think you ought to book some sessions with a MC just to iron out that one issue you two are not on the same page about.... are you open to discussing sex with a professional? Or is that even more embarrassing for you?

 

Practice in anything makes perfect, so the more you talk about sex, read up about it, post on forums about it (theres also a sexuality board here on LoveShack) the more comfortable you will become with it.

Also, perhaps viewing some porn will be good for you too -- for the same reason as the above suggestions -- the more you see it, hear it, talk about it, the more you will become comfortable with talking about sex and the more you will learn. Also, becoming 'desensitized' to Sex will come from exposure. So -- do it. Dive in.

And make sure you raise your own kids differently! I did! My son has no problem mentioning sex to me when it comes up, or he has a question (he is almost 22 years old now) and I started this with him from when he was a toddler and I was pregnant with my second child, and my son asked me "how is the baby going to get out?"... I told him. And it was a simple explanation. Truthful. Not embarrassed. And to this day he is still not embarrassed about talking to me about these matters...

 

What a pleasure!

 

And -- as for my upbringing... I was told Nothing! lol at age 14 (!!) my mom cautiously and uncomfortably began, what I suspect was a sorta birds n bees talk, by asking, "Do you know about periods and stuff..." and I said "yes"... lol... I read a lot...

So never mind that your upbringing was stiff and prim and proper about sex... you will get over that in no time at all, just work on it!

[Athena]

Perhaps buy your g/f a book on oral sex.. I think there's one called How to Blow his Mind, or something like that... go onto amazon and check it out.

 

Also hire some porn to watch with her, since your g/f can see firsthand the b/j's that the porn stars give to the men... maybe if your g/f sees enough, she will give it a go.

Dayuum, you are missing out!

[Kamille]

Raises hand: I have been the non-sexual partner in a relationship (no kids involved). My guess is that the reason why she avoids the topic of sex is because she feels guilty. She knows the situation isn't fair to you, she wishes she could muster up a sex drive but when you bring up sex she suddenly feels put on the spot.

 

I know that's why I had a hard time talking about sex when I went through a very long dry spell in a past relationship.

 

I don't know that I have any recommendations based on that. Athena is right, the more you two practice talking about sex, the easier it will get.

[soserious1]

Thanks for your words, BladeRunner. Yeah, I understand that cheating on her is not the way to go... I just feel kinda at the end of my rope and just looking for advice on what I should expect or do.

 

I'm just assuming that it's the kids and stuff that have made her not so interested in sex. It's much more plausible than her cheating on me or that there's not enough romance... cuz it seems like I'm always the one trying to be romantic and get her in the mood.

 

So, if that's the case, then my question still remains... do I just get into some porn? That sounds really stupid, but I dunno.

 

Actually, like I said before, she always says that the sex is awesome after we have it, and I can seriously tell... she's not faking. So I'm pretty sure I can rock her world now and again.

 

I just feel kinda weird getting into porn when I've got the person that I want to have sex with. Don't get me wrong, I'm not making any kind of value judgement on porn, I just think that's kinda worthless if you can get the real thing, you know?

 

 

I think the 1st thing you need to decide is this, if the sex never gets more frequent will this be a deal breaker for you? the next things you need to decide are how often would you like to have sex? what kinds of sex, do you want her to initiate more, costumes, role play, unique locations etc? You also need to decide what areas you'll be willing to compromise on ie: she's not in the mood but she'll willingly give you oral or have a cheerful quickie, would you be okay with scheduling sex?

 

once you've really thought over these things, you need to get a babysitter, take her out for a cup of coffee and let her know, clearly and directly how you are feeling, if it's a deal breaker you've got to spell that out for her

and let her know that if you can't work together on this issue that the relationship will end.

 

Do NOT propose to her until you have really thought over all of the above and until you and she have hammered out a workable compromise.

[2sunny]

i think she's resentful and tired at the same time.

 

resentful that you have not yet made a firm commitment to her meanwhile she has had two kids.

 

tired because she's working and being a Mom and a pretend wife.

 

why don't you carry her load for a few weeks and give her a rest. maybe she'll have more energy for sex if you are the one getting up early to fix breakfast, clean the house, make the beds, brush the kids teeth and hair after bathing them, do the laundry and marketing, make dinner and do dishes after working all day and continue on with the house and bills until you drop into bed dead tired at the end of the day...

 

hmmmm, let's see how horny you are at the end of two weeks of that and living with a person who's ACTIONS have stated loud and clear that you aren't worthy enough to marry after two kids and several wasted years of your life...

 

perspective may help you with a bit of clarity.

[Mr. Lucky]

resentful that you have not yet made a firm commitment to her meanwhile she has had two kids.

Marriage is important to some people, not so much to others. Aeren, how does your GF feel about marriage? Why have you two waited so long?

 

Mr. Lucky