Flying Burrito Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 How do you know if you've made a mistake? Is there any way to know you've made a mistake before you get to the actualization point where it's too late to do anything about it? At work or school I can see my mistakes concretely, within a relatively brief time span. Otherwise, I go about the business of living my life doing what I think is right. I usually think that way until so much time has passed that either the decision I made no longer matters to me, or it's too late to do anything about it so I let it go. Ergo, there is no massive indication that I've made a mistake. Likewise, there is no major realization of failure or futility when I question my actions. For example, I have essentially chosen to live alone over having a relationship most would envy. My ex is everything I could want. The sex was hot. Amy could always make me laugh. But I stopped having that deep in love feeling for her. I don't think I made a mistake breaking things off because I stopped feeling it with my ex and I want to find that special someone. But at the same time, I think its unlikely I will find a girl as good as my ex or a girl who will love me better. So when you think you're doing the right thing, how do you recognize a legitimate mistake?
kizik Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Yep, you made a big mistake. And no, you'll never find anyone as good as her again.
techfan Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 How long were you two together? if you really broke it off just because you lost that 'in love' feeling then it is a mistake. That feeling will fade in time anyway in all relationships....thats the test of a good relationship, to see how you work through those harder times when the love doesn't feel like its there as much. Thats when REAL love exists, when it doesn't feel like it's there. But if you're looking for someone who will make you feel happy and 'in love' all the time, they don't exist... you're chasing a pipe dream, an illusion. If this girl really is as great as you say, sounds like maybe you did make a mistake. Unless you dont want a good relationship at all, which by all means is your choice then. But if you left just because this girl didn't 'feel' like 'the one' you very well could be fooling yourself. 'The One' doesn't exist in my opinion. Only in retrospect. Otherwise everyone who has ever married and divorced obviously didn't marry 'the one.' But on their wedding day they'd tell you they sure did. Good luck.
anni1979 Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 My thoughts... there are no right or wrong choices. No decision is the 'wrong one', they all just take us down different paths. Maybe you would have stayed with her, and it would have been amazing. But does that mean that this new path that you are on can't lead to something amazing? Related: does anyone else feel like they've been living their lives in preparation or anticipation of some special day with some special person when everything changes and suddenly they feel complete? And if they miss out with that person, or **** it up, they're screwed forever?? I'm tired of feeling that way, tired of waiting until I'm married and have kids for my life to start, feeling like I won't have a home or family until it happens. You leaving was not a MISTAKE. It was a CHOICE - it will impact your future in someway, sure, but it isn't good or bad. Unless she wins the lottery :-P
kizik Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 It's a mistake if you leave someone who is GREAT in the hopes of getting someone better. Which you did. Make no qualms - that is a MISTAKE.
EmperorR Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 It's a mistake if you leave someone who is GREAT in the hopes of getting someone better. Which you did. Make no qualms - that is a MISTAKE. yep also known as the grass is greener syndrome There is no such thing as the perfect person, if you have someone great and you let it go because you think you will find someone out there more special. It's all a fantasy and you have a gosh damn good reality at you.
Author Flying Burrito Posted April 15, 2009 Author Posted April 15, 2009 techfan and anni1979 seem to represent the two opposite results of the existential coin toss. On the one side, no choices are wrong., therefore I'm always going to be right. Which is how I live every day already. I also can see that I'm putting things on hold for when I finish this phase of my life and move on to the next. On the other hand there is the reality that the next phase may or may not yield something better (or as good) and I'll only know in retrospect whether my choices panned out. Which is kind of the question I was asking. Is there any way to know if you're f*cking up in the present tense? Sure, my ex is great. Amy could also get on your nerves. She had this way of calling people on their sh*t and sometimes I just wanted to have my sh*t. I'm also convinced she lied about her attraction to me. I weigh a lot less now than before though. So, yes, she is great and yes, I still think I did the right thing.
Author Flying Burrito Posted April 15, 2009 Author Posted April 15, 2009 yep also known as the grass is greener syndrome There is no such thing as the perfect person, if you have someone great and you let it go because you think you will find someone out there more special. It's all a fantasy and you have a gosh damn good reality at you. So by that logic, the right choice would have been to stay with someone I loved but I wasn't in love with.
techfan Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 So by that logic, the right choice would have been to stay with someone I loved but I wasn't in love with. Not knowing your situation entirely its hard to be too specific. And a major part of any relationship or most anything you do with your life has to be felt by the heart to a degree.... but also the head. Being 'in love' wont last forever... ask two people who have been together 20 years if they are 'in love'..... love grows and becomes deeper in time. The initial butterflies and that 'in love' feeling will fade... thats nature working through attraction so you can breed. But at the end of the day if you don't feel it then you cant force it because thats not fair to her either. But i would believe that if you love her, then you would exhaust every option first before walking away.... just because your heart 'doesn't feel it lately' doesn't work as an excuse in my book.... if you've felt this way for years then maybe a different story. To each their own i guess. Good luck either way.
Author Flying Burrito Posted April 15, 2009 Author Posted April 15, 2009 techfan, I hear what you're saying. A large part of my inability to end things sooner, in fact, had to do with how attracted I still am. The attraction never got less. Its been a few years and the girl who is still the hottest, sexiest girl, is Amy. While out drinking the other night it came up, the who would be your top picks out of every one we know. Amy was at the top of some of my mates' lists. No surprise. And I was drunk, right, but Amy is still at the top of my list, whatever that means. The desire never waned. I vowed to myself I would keep it limited to friendship but then one whisper in a movie theater would be enough to ruin my resolve. There has been no one else who has that effect on me since I first met Amy. I dated another girl briefly during the time between when I met Amy before I asked Amy out. There was nothing there when that girl kissed me. And since then, there's only been Amy. Even though we've been broken up. I think I'm attracted but the interest never lasts long enough to act on it. If I can go out and have more attraction for beer than for a girl, that tells me why the girl isn't right. It also tells me why I'm so fat but that is another story. This has been part of the problem. I could have kept screwing with Amy figuratively and literally indefinitely, except I hated myself for it. I know being in love is something different. Or at least, I think it is. After reading some of the nightmares here, I'm less sure.
techfan Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 sounds to me like you've gotten a little complacent, which seems normal in time. People tend to fall into 'ruts' with relationships and it takes conscious effort and work to get out of them. Odd that the attraction is still there more than ever and you walk away thou, especially since (for the most part) nothing is really bad about this girl or that you two fight or have major issues. How long have you been together? And how old are you? Could you imagine her having sex with another man and be totally fine with it? Knowing that she would be LOVING it, not thinking of you whatsoever? The more i read and talk to people (on here) and in real life, (especially older couples) the more i am learning that love is really a choice and takes loads of work, but in that work and effort comes the reward. How easy is it to love someone when everything is always easy and perfect? How strong is that love? Your case really interests me.....
Author Flying Burrito Posted April 15, 2009 Author Posted April 15, 2009 Its been on then off for a few years. Yeah, even now, imagining Amy's warm body against mine is, well, intoxicating. Amy is, in a word, beautiful. Add a great body, knowing how to use it and loving using it? There's never a shortage of guys around Amy. And no, I'm not going to picture her getting ravished by some pig. Amy actually dated during some of our offs. I said I didn't care. Driving to work in the early morning, noticing her car was missing during those times left a pit in my stomach. But as far as Amy knew, I didn't care. Every time it would be game on, Amy insisted on having the safety talk. Amy knew there was no one else for me so it had to be an ego boost for her. Amy always said there had been no more than kissing, which was still more than I wanted to hear. Things were less than perfect. Admittedly, things were still what most people would consider ideal. There were very few real disagreements. There was no one else I was happier with. But obviously, close to perfect wasn't enough for me. I think that's the point. As great as Amy is, I didn't have that strong feeling of love the way I knew I should.
techfan Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 I think that's the point. As great as Amy is, I didn't have that strong feeling of love the way I knew I should. Thats an interesting statement. Where did you get this whole notion of 'love being the way you KNOW it should be?' Im purely curious. Have you had greater loves in your life? Are you just looking for a feeling? Is that really it, just a 'feeling' that you would need for things to be the way they should be? I just wonder how much society and hollywood and our imagination play up this 'love' word into something thats not even attainable and keeps people reaching for something that isn't there. At the end of the day though, if you can totally admit you followed your heart, you seem to be the type of person who can live with that and be happy. If that is the case and you won't second guess yourself, more power to you. But it definitely is an interesting place you find yourself no doubt.
Author Flying Burrito Posted April 16, 2009 Author Posted April 16, 2009 Okay. See, some things were hard to manage. At first everything about Amy was great. As a person she is great. There was also a period of time where she was a total f*cking stress case. Looking back, I know she tried to protect me by internalizing as much as possible. For instance, I didn't know she was getting harassed at work on a daily basis. She's beautiful. I guess I should have known. I would have hated knowing. It was sad seeing Amy so unhappy anyway. Amy refused to quit. See, Amy had put a downpayment on a place of her own. Another source of unnecessary stress if you'd asked me. She was so stubborn about following through. Amy insisted the bank would only extend a mortgage if she could show she had job stability. No fighting, never fighting, but Amy would come home crying and the emotional purge left ME drained. I said, get another job. Amy said no, it had to be the same job over a period of time for the bank. I knew she was wrong. Amy insisted she had to stay. So for months there was this stressed girl at a sh*tty job until the sale got finalized. The other big issue for me is the money she gave her little sisters. Amy could have loaned them the money but she said no, it would make them beholden. I said no, it would make them responsible. Amy always said, they need the money, or its only money, or they have kids so they need more help, or its a blessing to have extra to give. I could see she would always let someone walk all over her. If it wasn't her job taking from her, it would be her family or some stranger with a hand out. Nothing is perfect. Problems were there.
kizik Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 I've never heard someone use their ex's name (Amy) so freely on this board. Either you don't care or don't think she'll ever read this. Anonymity, though, is always a good thing. ESPECIALLY on this gossip tree we call the Net.
Author Flying Burrito Posted April 16, 2009 Author Posted April 16, 2009 Either you don't care or don't think she'll ever read this. Answer C: I don't care AND I think she'll never read this. Thanks
UCLAMike Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 My thoughts... there are no right or wrong choices. No decision is the 'wrong one', they all just take us down different paths. Maybe you would have stayed with her, and it would have been amazing. But does that mean that this new path that you are on can't lead to something amazing? Related: does anyone else feel like they've been living their lives in preparation or anticipation of some special day with some special person when everything changes and suddenly they feel complete? And if they miss out with that person, or **** it up, they're screwed forever?? I'm tired of feeling that way, tired of waiting until I'm married and have kids for my life to start, feeling like I won't have a home or family until it happens. You leaving was not a MISTAKE. It was a CHOICE - it will impact your future in someway, sure, but it isn't good or bad. Unless she wins the lottery :-P Sorry but you couldn't be more wrong. There are clearly some down right wrong and stupid choices.
Author Flying Burrito Posted April 16, 2009 Author Posted April 16, 2009 Tell me about your motherboard.My motherboard is the best.
Author Flying Burrito Posted April 16, 2009 Author Posted April 16, 2009 Sorry but you couldn't be more wrong. There are clearly some down right wrong and stupid choices.This is true. That said, the concept of no wrong choices provides one of two options when faced with having chosen poorly. 1. denial, bearing no responsibility for result(s) of bad choice. ex. Every choice is valid so I did nothing wrong. If you're unhappy about my choice, then its your fault because you choose to be unhappy. 2. self-justification, accepting responsibility to a point. ex. Every choice is valid so no one can fault my intentions even though my choice had a bad result. (Frequently accompanied by, at least I tried.) Techfan's point about media and expectations is well made. If my life winds up resembling the love stories I like in modern media, I'm bound to wind up alone and I'll either spend my life lamenting the loss of my true love or living some fantasy in my head of a happy ending that will never happen.
anni1979 Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 This is true. That said, the concept of no wrong choices provides one of two options when faced with having chosen poorly. 1. denial, bearing no responsibility for result(s) of bad choice. ex. Every choice is valid so I did nothing wrong. If you're unhappy about my choice, then its your fault because you choose to be unhappy. 2. self-justification, accepting responsibility to a point. ex. Every choice is valid so no one can fault my intentions even though my choice had a bad result. (Frequently accompanied by, at least I tried.) Techfan's point about media and expectations is well made. If my life winds up resembling the love stories I like in modern media, I'm bound to wind up alone and I'll either spend my life lamenting the loss of my true love or living some fantasy in my head of a happy ending that will never happen. I feel like I didn't make my point very clearly. Looking back at a choice like breaking up with someone and adding a value of 'rightness' or 'wrongness' to it implies that you have a set path down which you are headed. Making the 'wrong' choice suggests that you will never be as happy as if you made the 'right' choice. The simple fact is that you decided to take a path that didn't include her. Could the path that included her have been a very happy one? Maybe. But this new path could be super happy too. By dwelling on the choice as being right or wrong, we stay stuck in the past, constantly doubting ourselves. And how the heck can you enjoy the new path if you do that?? And as much as I would love to get into a debate about the construction of 'right' and 'wrong' in general, I feel like this is neither the time nor the place.
Author Flying Burrito Posted April 17, 2009 Author Posted April 17, 2009 Mmnope. You were crystal clear. I get it. I live it. Its a nice place to live, in the land of all choices being valid, regardless of outcome. I also get that its a socially acceptable way to live in denial. It makes for less regret. It gives us the option to disregard alternative paths without the guilt penulty. Our choices may be equally valid, but all outcomes are not equally satisfying personally or equally acceptable to society. Hence the right, wrong labels. Obsessing is no fun but if a little more obsessing up front saves us a lot of heartache later, I'm up for that.
You'reasian Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 For example, I have essentially chosen to live alone over having a relationship most would envy. My ex is everything I could want. The sex was hot. Amy could always make me laugh. But I stopped having that deep in love feeling for her. I don't think I made a mistake breaking things off because I stopped feeling it with my ex and I want to find that special someone. But at the same time, I think its unlikely I will find a girl as good as my ex or a girl who will love me better. So when you think you're doing the right thing, how do you recognize a legitimate mistake? What makes a great relationship is great communication, trust, chemistry and of course....hot sex! There are always awesome girlfriends and they set the bar high, but you can't live with regrets - something obviously caused the two of you to have disagreements - be glad and enjoy your single self.
Author Flying Burrito Posted April 17, 2009 Author Posted April 17, 2009 Okay, maybe my writing is unclear. Second-guessing holds little interest for me. I have no regrets over the decision I made. Now. Have you never thought, sure, I thought I chose well then, only to realize later, I really screwed the pooch on that one? Generally, I want to avoid screwing myself over because I'm liking the safety of plausible deniability a bit much.
RecordProducer Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 I don't think I made a mistake breaking things off because I stopped feeling it with my ex and I want to find that special someone. But at the same time, I think its unlikely I will find a girl as good as my ex or a girl who will love me better. So when you think you're doing the right thing, how do you recognize a legitimate mistake?You just do as your while being tells you. You dumped her because you weren't 100% in love, maybe. But now you say you want her back, so tta's your new vibe. Follow your intuition.If you feel liek being with her again, go for her. If you're just contemplating having her back because you're lonely, don't.
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