Ex Jealousy

[jealousagain]

I originally posted this in the Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy section, but I thought I might try to get some different viewpoints. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little under 9 months. Our relationship is, in my opinion, perfect, except for one thing: he still talks to his ex. They were together for several years, and married for one of them. They divorced, and I believe it was at her request. He says it's because they were miserable together, that he never should have married her, etc. Their split was friendly, apparently. She lives, by the way, several hours away.

 

Four months or so into our relationship, he went to the wedding of some close friends and came back to tell me that he was feeling distant and weird because his ex was there. I thought for sure that he cheated on me then, but he says he didn't and I'm trying to believe and trust him. I think it's a little far-fetched for someone to just SEE their ex and be all upset about it if they don't still have feelings for them. I asked him if he still wanted to be with me, and he said that he did.

 

Then, a few months ago, she sent him a birthday gift. I asked him about it (he didn't tell me, I saw the packaging for it), and he told me then that they had been talking the whole time that we have been seeing each other. I expressed that I had some problems with the fact that they were talking. I asked him if he was over the split, and he said that he had made his peace with it.

 

Now the thing is, he doesn't talk to me much about his conversations with her. I trust that he would tell me if there were talk about getting back together and he said that there was nothing like that going on and that I would just have to trust him. I am just not one of those people who believes in talking to exes unless I want them back or still have feelings for them in some way... I don't talk to any of mine, and I don't really want to.

 

Our relationship is going really well outside of this, though. I'm serious when I say I think he's the perfect guy for me, and our relationship has been wonderful. He tells me that he loves me, and I believe him. I love him, too. I am trying to trust him, but I feel that either his actions or my jealousy makes it hard for me to do that.

 

Help, please! Thanks in advance.

[scootncash]

Maybe I can help you understand a little better from the other side. I was with my boyfriend for 7 years and discussed that it was time we got married. Next thing I know he comes up and says its just not working any longer. What he didnt tell me was there was already someone else to replace me. I loved that man with all of my heart. There was no better suited people for each other than us. We had a lot in common and enjoyed the same things and even had the same values.

 

It was total life altering pain for me when he left and it took a year of him bouncing back and forth between the two of us before i got mentally exhausted and went to therapy for help. I made it through and realize what bad I brought to the relationship as well as him. And I have to tell you that its been three years and I still love him. We went through a lot together but the time apart helped me grow. I will always care about him. He is still with the girl he left me for. We do talk occassionally and our conversations are great like two good old friends. Something we lacked in our relationship before.

 

But I want to make it clear there is no cheating going on. I cant allow myself to be placed in that again. Its not fair to anyone. So I guess what Im trying to tell you is that it may not be that he is doing anything wrong he may in fact love you very much. But when you spend that much time with someone or you develop a love you've never felt before it doesnt necessarily go away. There is going to be some type of feelings about that person because at one time you did love them.

 

The thing is maybe he cant express that to you. And possibly because you are so jealous that he just doesnt tell you because it would cause stress and a possible fight, something he just doesnt want to deal with.

 

Jealousy will destroy a relationship. Sometimes you have to come from a loving place and give him a safe place with you. If he feels like your gona go nuts with green jealously then its not a safe place and hence it damages the relationship. Men dont come from the emotional place that women do and if we dont give him a safe area then you loose one of the most important parts of a relationship. Communication. Yea everyone says its important to communicate and its critical for sure. But if you cant communicate to the one you love for fear of jealousy, fighting, arguing, etc., then it breaks the relationship down.

 

I know most ex's get the bad rap but we arent all bad. Yes I love my ex bf and occassionally talk to him but since he's with someone else thats his life and I choose to be happy for him but that doesnt mean we cant be friends and its nice to look back after all the hurt and pain and realize we can make something good out of all the bad.

 

Try to give him a safe place and make it nice to let him talk to you. It may take him a while to trust that he can tell you his real emotions without you going all green jealous monster on him. But if you try to understand the fact that he loved someone before you and respect that part of him then you may very well find that he gives himself to the love for you that you so desire but demand so hard on him for.

 

Hope this helps!