gjack Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 I've been divorced for 3 years and have two teenage boys. I've been dating a woman for the past 2 years and we lived together for about a year...she moved out 2 months ago. My boys never really cared for us living together and didn't interact a lot with her - she was very quiet around them - and I don't think they ever saw what I saw in her. The 1 issue that drove us apart was her insecurity...always afraid someone else was going to turn my head. Since she moved out, her attitude seems totally different and she hasn't had anxiety about us since. With everything else so positive (communication, friendship, sex) in our relationship, we want to give ourselves a chance to work through our differences and the time apart seems to have allowed for something to reset with her. She and I started dating again about 2 weeks ago. My boys are VERY much against me reconnecting with her again saying they don't like her and they feel I can do so much better. They've threatened not to spend time with me if SHE is around. So, rather than encourage me to find happiness with her they have zero tolerance to even understand why I think it's a relationship worth saving. They feel like I'm making her a higher priority than they are because I'm even considering a relationship with her when I know they don't like her. "we thought we were rid of her" is their attitude when she never did anything to hurt them. if anything, she was too quiet around them. I want to respect their feelings but consider this an adult choice that I need to make. Can I get them on board? or should I forego the relationship in favor of my relationship with the boys?
Athena Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 I think you need to talk to them about you making your own love choices in life... and to explicitly tell them you are an adult with your own decision to make, and while you value their input and love them dearly, they cannot give you ultimatums on your R with her.... one has nothing to do with the other. You really have to just tell them you will not accept pressure from them. That you are fully prepared for any outcome and consequences from your R, and you will handle it all... that they do not need to feel responsible for 'protecting or shielding you'. Point out that you want to see them and hope they will be mature enough to put their dislike of her to one side... they should NOT 'triangulate' their relationship with you, to include another person... You deal with your woman, and they deal with you... If they cannot see this, or cannot agree, then I think its time you make an appointment to see a Family Counselor and all three of you (boys n you) go to a few appointments to specifically tackle this issue... sometimes it helps having an objective, professional, outsider's opinion and guidance when there is an impasse in the family.
Lucky_One Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Do the boys see her as the reason why your marriage to their mom broke up? Do they resent the fact that she moved in with you and sort of "took over" their home (second home, really)? Do they see her as being compatible with you for the long term? Does she like boys? Does she even like kids? Does she want children of her own? Do the boys see her as an impediment to you and their mom ever reconciling? Is she very young (like, way younger than you?)?
Island Girl Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 I think you need to talk to them about you making your own love choices in life... and to explicitly tell them you are an adult with your own decision to make, and while you value their input and love them dearly, they cannot give you ultimatums on your R with her.... one has nothing to do with the other. You really have to just tell them you will not accept pressure from them. That you are fully prepared for any outcome and consequences from your R, and you will handle it all... that they do not need to feel responsible for 'protecting or shielding you'. Point out that you want to see them and hope they will be mature enough to put their dislike of her to one side... they should NOT 'triangulate' their relationship with you, to include another person... You deal with your woman, and they deal with you... If they cannot see this, or cannot agree, then I think its time you make an appointment to see a Family Counselor and all three of you (boys n you) go to a few appointments to specifically tackle this issue... sometimes it helps having an objective, professional, outsider's opinion and guidance when there is an impasse in the family. When did this start happening? Where the children (at what ever age) call ANY shots in their parents lives? Someday they are going to find love. And if you do not like her -- they are going to say (if they are healthy about their relationship) you accept her or you don't -- it doesn't matter this is who I am with. Why should YOUR life be any different? You let your children threaten you and set the terms and boundaries of the relationship? Wow. Really. No wonder they are so disrespectful and so out of line. This didn't just start with this woman. YOU are the PARENT. GAWD Eventually they are going to move on get married and have their own families. You are entitled to have a partner in your life who makes YOU happy.
2sure Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Hmmm. Have you dated anyone else whom they have met since your divorce? With someone else to compare the situation to - you could more easily identify if is specifically HER they have a problem with or anyone you date. If they liked someone else, and they dislike this one so much - thats serious and I wouldn't disregard their feelings. If you haven't dated anyone else it may be the problem lies with you living with someone so soon. Now, while you aren't living together would be a great time to have a 4 person sit down with your boys, yourself , and your gf. What about your ex? Do the boys live with her primarily? Is she dating? Her lifestyle, words, and actions can have a lot of impact when your sons form their opinions.
Lucky_One Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Island Girl, I understand your thoughts, but sometimes if there has been an affair, kids simply won't accept the cheater's OP. I have a friend whose wife left him after she found out about his EMA with his secretary. The OW is late 20's, and the MM is around 40. His kids REFUSE to see him if the OW is there; granted, they aren't really excited about seeing their dad now, either. Parents do have the right to have romantic relationships that make them happy, but kids have the rights to not be around people that they dislike, too. Sort of a no-win situation, and one where a MP really has to weigh what he/she wants as the end result and what need he/she may have to "sacrifice".
nittygritty Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 The 1 issue that drove us apart was her insecurity...always afraid someone else was going to turn my head. Since she moved out, her attitude seems totally different and she hasn't had anxiety about us since. Did her insecurity include your relationship with your sons versus your relationship with her? Was she jealous of your kids? Or was she annoyed by your sons presence? If so, then it's understandable why your sons wouldn't like her. If not, then talk to your sons and find out all of the reasons that they don't like her. If they've got legitimate reasons and you choose to ignore their feelings, you'll do great damage to your relationship with your sons. Even teenagers usually want their parent to be happy. Since both of your sons dislike her, it's possible that they are seeing negative behavior in her that you don't see. Gather all the facts before you decide.
bambam63 Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 So has there been any progress with the relationship and with your sons? What have you tried, if anything? I'm asking because I have a very similar situation and don't know where to begin.
Author gjack Posted May 4, 2009 Author Posted May 4, 2009 So has there been any progress with the relationship and with your sons? What have you tried, if anything? I'm asking because I have a very similar situation and don't know where to begin. Thank you all for your comments...many of them were very helpful and gave me the resolve to deal with both ends of my relationship world. My GF and my boys. The place to begin is with open communication. The kids need to feel heard, even if you don't follow their wishes. Otherwise, their resentment will cut deep. To fill you in, she was not the OW that caused my marriage to fail. She and I started to date about 1 year after I moved out and it's been obvious since day 1 that reconciliation with their mother wasn't going to happen. The boys resentment came because they didn't want to meet GF until we were 'serious' which was ok, but then we announced we were going to move in together before they had a chance to get to know her. Bam, they had to deal with it whether they were ready or not. In hindsight, I think there should have been much more communication with the boys along the way, not only with me but also with GF. GF was not insecure about the boys but rather afraid some other woman would turn my head. She was uncomfortable on occassion with their boy humor as she only grew up around a sister and a daughter. She later admitted to being intimidated by my boys which caused her to withdraw and avoid engaging them in good conversations. I listened to their concerns about me reconnecting with her. They said we lived together for a year and we still don't know her! That was true and unfortunate...and I assured them that, if she and I decided to stay together, that would be addressed. She and I talked about it many times since. As teenagers, they have a very healthy perspective on things and maybe saw things differently than I did. I respected their comments but not their delivery. I told them clearly this was my decision and they didn't have veto authority over my relationships. At the same time, I can't imagine being in a relationship that detracts from my relationship with my boys. The boys haven't seen the GF since she moved out. Last night, she and I decided quite independently of any issues with the boys, that the differences in our values (and really personality styles) are too different to overcome. Despite our love for each other, continuing a ‘relationship’ just isn’t going to work out. We went to church together yesterday, prayed on it both before and after the decision, and hopefully can continue as friends to help each other out.
Cherished Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 I think if you have kids, it is wrong to have a partner move in without being married to them. I think you made a lot of mistakes here.
Author gjack Posted May 5, 2009 Author Posted May 5, 2009 I think if you have kids, it is wrong to have a partner move in without being married to them. I think you made a lot of mistakes here. You're absolutely right...a lot of mistakes were made. Maybe by sharing my story others won't make the same mistakes. Clear, open and timely communication is key.
Lucky_One Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 It sounds like you learned a lot, and that you made a lot of good, strong, thinking decisions as you learned. I hope that you are as happy as you can be for the time being, and that you find what you are looking for. Best of luck to you, your boys, and your XGF.
Recommended Posts