Untouchable_Fire Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 I just want to move forward from this whole situation with her sister. But I don't know how if she isn't giving it a chance. Right now as it stands we're both giving each other space. Just tell her that your sorry. You will respect her sister in the future.
mental_traveller Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Aaaah but how do you kill someone with kindness when all they do it snap at you? **** that. Why are you asking us what to do when your words are already indicating exactly what you should do.
missdependant Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 No, it would not make me cheat in any way shape or form. I have male friends that I talk to regardless of our relationship status, but my best friends are female. I would confide in my female friends before I went to any males about our issues. But if the fighting and arguments became frequent and stupid enough it WOULD make me leave him.
carhill Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 MDM, you're very young. Call this one done and take away some important life lessons from it. Focus on yourself and building/restoring other relationships for awhile. Something you can work on (as I had to in MC) is properly communicating boundaries and expressing how you feel. Your postings in this thread indicate that to me. I see a lot of my younger self in there. It will work out
Trialbyfire Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 If you hit 3 cheaters in a row... you may be attracted to the wrong types. Don't blame all women... only some of them cheat. I used to have similar issues. I developed an "I will get her before she gets me" attitude. It didn't make anything better, because I couldn't connect with anyone emotionally. I agree. If one cheats, okay, maybe you were fooled. Three cheaters in a row suggests that you're looking for women who need an excessive amount of external validation aka low self-esteem types, who lack self-discipline. OP, are you attracted to overly-emotional women? I'm guessing you confuse drama for passion.
Author mr.dream merchant Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 I never really payed attention to all of that. If a chick looked good, and she was feelin me and me her, I just went with it.
Trialbyfire Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 I never really payed attention to all of that. If a chick looked good, and she was feelin me and me her, I just went with it. Take a good internal look at your g/f. Does she need excessive external validation? Does she try to drum up male attention by being a little too flirtatious? Does she ramp up the drama, just to get that excitement fix?
Author mr.dream merchant Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 Take a good internal look at your g/f. Does she need excessive external validation? Does she try to drum up male attention by being a little too flirtatious? Does she ramp up the drama, just to get that excitement fix? No not at all. She doesn't want or need external validation. She's the kind of chick that knows she looks good. Back then I thought she was flirtacious and taking a good look at it she really isn't. She doesn't put herself out there and into positions where it'd occur. She doesn't try and signal interest in other guys or give off a single feel. I thought so at first with her new job because I was paranoid. But now she has pictures all over her cubicle and none of the guys approach her anymore because they all know what the deal is. She told me herself she doesn't even want to work in that same department anymore, she wants to move to another where its all females. She's godsend in that mind set. She feels if she has a man she doesn't need to be in a position where potential interactions with other men will occur. Now on the drama bit, lol....I'd say she isn't a drama queen, but her emotions run wild when she's upset. Like myself, when she's upset, she doesn't think too clearly. She's not vindictive or spiteful, she just lets her anger control her words to a certain degree. Never to hurt me, but just to be...lol...angry.
carhill Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 How would you feel if you took a month-long break from her with no contact? Since you say she doesn't pursue or desire external validation, such a hiatus should not be an issue for her. She sounds comfortable in her own skin. Perhaps such a break could give each of you perspective. Ask her how she feels about that
Trialbyfire Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 No not at all. She doesn't want or need external validation. She's the kind of chick that knows she looks good. Back then I thought she was flirtacious and taking a good look at it she really isn't. She doesn't put herself out there and into positions where it'd occur. She doesn't try and signal interest in other guys or give off a single feel. I thought so at first with her new job because I was paranoid. But now she has pictures all over her cubicle and none of the guys approach her anymore because they all know what the deal is. She told me herself she doesn't even want to work in that same department anymore, she wants to move to another where its all females. She's godsend in that mind set. She feels if she has a man she doesn't need to be in a position where potential interactions with other men will occur.Sounds to me like she's a keeper, if she's exactly as expressed. If you look at your original evaluation of her and how you now perceive her, it's like night and day. She's still the same person so what does this say about perception v. reality? Thoughts for future conflicts, for when you get concerned about cheating, as in your opening post. Now on the drama bit, lol....I'd say she isn't a drama queen, but her emotions run wild when she's upset. Like myself, when she's upset, she doesn't think too clearly. She's not vindictive or spiteful, she just lets her anger control her words to a certain degree. Never to hurt me, but just to be...lol...angry.Okay, so you're both hotheads. Since you can't control her and can control yourself, how will you control your initial anger? I do recommend that you find a way to communicate, in a constructive fashion. Discuss your communication style when you're both calm. Both of you need to work on your pride and anger.
Author mr.dream merchant Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 I'd say the night and day is solely due to anger, insecurity, and paranoia. It makes sense since when I'm upset my way with words is a bit different. In future conflicts most definitely I'll keep my cool and my pride at bay, but I just don't want to be the only party having to do this. Sometimes in arguments I'll be the calm and collected party but she'll stay on the aggressive.
Trialbyfire Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 I'd say the night and day is solely due to anger, insecurity, and paranoia. It makes sense since when I'm upset my way with words is a bit different. In future conflicts most definitely I'll keep my cool and my pride at bay, but I just don't want to be the only party having to do this. Sometimes in arguments I'll be the calm and collected party but she'll stay on the aggressive. That's why it's important to discuss your communication dynamics when both of you are calm. Also, is she ever right or are you always right? Is there room for compromise?
Jersey Shortie Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 She told me herself she doesn't even want to work in that same department anymore, she wants to move to another where its all females. She's godsend in that mind set. She feels if she has a man she doesn't need to be in a position where potential interactions with other men will occur. Will that happen before or after you spend the night visiting a strip club? You' re a lucky guy that she wants to take herself out of potential interactions with other men and you want to put yourself right in the direct firing line of potential interactions with other women. I just find your above words ironic considering your take on what is acceptable "potential interactions" on your part and her part. I bet she would consider you a godsend if you also took yourself out of situations with potential interactions with females.
Author mr.dream merchant Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 That's why it's important to discuss your communication dynamics when both of you are calm. Also, is she ever right or are you always right? Is there room for compromise? When we argue it usually starts off with me hearing her out, agreeing with her, and then telling her my thoughts and feelings. But when I convey those thoughts and feelings, she'll sometimes say I'm blame shifting, or she won't accept that she has some faults and just stay on the offensive. Usually constructive communication leads usually to her being upset regardless, not talking to me, and me being upset because she lacks major communication skills when it comes to conflicts. She's not a compromise kind of person when she's upset. Her outlook is more of a "here's what's wrong with you, and I'm gonna tell you how it is" kind of thing. Me, while I share a similar outlook, I try and be understanding to her feelings. I let her know that I hear her out, I accept where I was wrong, I admit my faults. But the whole part of that process is showing her where she was wrong. And when I do she feels like I'm attacking her or blame shifting.
blind_otter Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 So what I'd like to know is if you and your BF are arguing, does it increase your desire to interact with other males? Talk and flirt with them? Eat lunch with them? Go on a secret date with one? Does it increase the chance of some form of cheating taking place? Would you do things you don't normally do with other guys when you're happy with your BF? Not at all. When I am fighting with my S/O I usually also have a concurrent disgust with all males in general, except for my Dad who was the best person in the universe while he was alive, and continues to hold the title in death as well. I may have an increased tendency to try to look especially hot, but that is only to torture my partner. Sort of a juvenile "look how hot I am and you aren't getting any right now" kick in the pants.
Trialbyfire Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 When we argue it usually starts off with me hearing her out, agreeing with her, and then telling her my thoughts and feelings. But when I convey those thoughts and feelings, she'll sometimes say I'm blame shifting, or she won't accept that she has some faults and just stay on the offensive. Usually constructive communication leads usually to her being upset regardless, not talking to me, and me being upset because she lacks major communication skills when it comes to conflicts. She's not a compromise kind of person when she's upset. Her outlook is more of a "here's what's wrong with you, and I'm gonna tell you how it is" kind of thing. Me, while I share a similar outlook, I try and be understanding to her feelings. I let her know that I hear her out, I accept where I was wrong, I admit my faults. But the whole part of that process is showing her where she was wrong. And when I do she feels like I'm attacking her or blame shifting.Has she ever admitted to fault?
Author mr.dream merchant Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 Has she ever admitted to fault? She has but its hard for her to do. She just likes to address where I'm wrong and make a big deal out of it. When I hear her out and then try and point out her faults, she plays victim.
Trialbyfire Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 She has but its hard for her to do. She just likes to address where I'm wrong and make a big deal out of it. When I hear her out and then try and point out her faults, she plays victim. Have you discussed this dynamic between the two of you, when calm? More importantly, discussed the dynamic of why it has to be about faults v. actions that cause negative emotions/responses. Must you both be flawed v. perhaps having differences in needs and wants, whereby there's room for compromise?
Author mr.dream merchant Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 Have you discussed this dynamic between the two of you, when calm? More importantly, discussed the dynamic of why it has to be about faults v. actions that cause negative emotions/responses. Must you both be flawed v. perhaps having differences in needs and wants, whereby there's room for compromise? Not really. Most attempts at constructive talks end up with her being upset or kind of pouty so I just don't even make eye contact with it.
Trialbyfire Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Not really. Most attempts at constructive talks end up with her being upset or kind of pouty so I just don't even make eye contact with it.Your spin on her always lays blame on her and makes her sound so horrific. She sounds like the world's worst g/f. Is she really? Point blank. If you can't find a reasonable solution/compromise to your communications problems, good luck on the long-term viability of the relationship.
Author mr.dream merchant Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 She isn't a bad GF. But when it comes to communicating about our problems at hand, she's very stubborn. She's the kind of person that would rather not try and talk it out, just wait until her pouty mood is over with. When I try and talk things over it just turns into bickering so I just let her sit there with her face all messed up for a 20 minutes. When I talk to her, she doesn't respond.
carhill Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Communications skills are learned skills. Considering you're still "pounding" her in bed even with all this rancor, would you and she consider getting professional help with the communication issues? If not, my prior post about "being done" would continue to apply
Author mr.dream merchant Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 Right now I wouldn't consider getting professional help. We don't argue everyday. Its just when we do argue, it plays out for a couple days because she never really wants to talk things over. She just sits there with an upset face. I'll try to get her to relax and talk about it with me and all she does is lash out mildly with anger. All this does is upset me because in my mind I know its a problem that could be easily overcome but she's stretching it out due to her unwillingness to talk about it. It easily ruins a good night out with her.
Trialbyfire Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 OP, respect is key in a viable relationship. I'm not reading any. What I'm seeing is a relationship with little to no trust and a major lack of respect, which compounds the communication issues. Either the two of you are going to work on those issues, or you can walk. If you walk, you're destined to repeat a similar relationship dynamic, unless you learn how to communicate effectively. Just saying you trust and respect a person, doesn't mean you do. Your actions while fighting, reflect the true level of respect and trust.
Author mr.dream merchant Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 OP, respect is key in a viable relationship. I'm not reading any. What I'm seeing is a relationship with little to no trust and a major lack of respect, which compounds the communication issues. Either the two of you are going to work on those issues, or you can walk. If you walk, you're destined to repeat a similar relationship dynamic, unless you learn how to communicate effectively. Just saying you trust and respect a person, doesn't mean you do. Your actions while fighting, reflect the true level of respect and trust. I don't understand your response. Are you saying I don't respect her because it upsets me when she doesn't talk things over?
Recommended Posts