Ladies, when you and your BF are fighting..

[mr.dream merchant]

You don't sound rambling at all. I thought this was really honest, dream, thanks. That clears things up a lot.

 

Seriously, I can understand the feeling that you're doing the heavy lifting in a relationship, and that you're not getting it back in return - I've been there, and it causes some serious resentment. And it sounds, too, like you've brought that up with her and she doesn't quite get it. Which would also make me resentful.

 

I see why you're upset. But I have to ask, just so I understand...by violated your trust, do you mean she cheated?

 

 

Not at all. She just wasn't completely honest about something. One day I was just pondering on things and I realized that what she had told me didn't add time by the dates she had given me. When I asked her about it she broke down and came forth with the information. It was kind of dumb but at the same time I could understand why she hid it from me. Its just hard to look past that. I'm the kind of person where if you break my trust, its hard to get it back. Ever since then its been hard to take what she says to heart, I'll just accept what she says but in the back of my mind I think to myself "its probably not the case but whatever, I'll let things play out".

[Star Gazer]

I was overwhelmed with having a GF. I used to do everything for her. I'd skip class, call in sick to work, anything I could think of just to be with her.

 

That's YOUR fault, not hers. The disparity in effort is very, very unhealthy. You shouldn't be putting your relationship ahead of your own personal responsibilities. What if she dropped you, for whatever reason? Now your grades suck because you've been skipping, and you're bordering on getting fired for repeated sick calls at work! If you're not at your best (because you're skipping class, calling in sick to work), your not giving your best. You're not a whole person if you're doing this sort of stuff. You're relying on her to make you whole. If anything, this sort of behavior makes you... desperate.

 

But with her...it was like she never MADE the time to be with me. She only saw me when she had the time. After a couple months of this I just felt..used. I felt ****ing played.

 

Do you honestly expect her to skip class? Call in sick to work? Just to spend time with you? That's not right.

 

This is how relationships work: Y'all see each other in your spare time. That is, outside of school/work/other obligations.

[mr.dream merchant]

Whoa, I didn't think it was crazy like that. I think he was just trying to explain how he's been feeling all along. It sounds to me like it's been a cumulative thing in their relationship, not a "she went to lunch and didn't call that one time" kind of situation.

 

 

Yes you're right. It is cumulative. I wouldn't bug out over something like that. These are all just small instances that have been adding up. There's lots more of them. These are just quick examples. I've been doing the heavy lifting in the relationship. I realized this was causing me stress and I stopped. When I stopped she noticed and complained that I don't love her like I used to. Since then things have been even. She pulls her own weight as do I. The negative feelings from that part of our relationship still hang around though. Sometimes she'll portray that same attitude from the beginning of our relationship and it makes me feel disposable again. I've talked to her about it before, 3 times to be exact. Each time I was calm and state to her that things need to change for the better. Every time she said she'd change. She still hasn't completely. I don't expect her to, people don't change. But she has been pulling her weight. That's all I want.

[mr.dream merchant]

That's YOUR fault, not hers. The disparity in effort is very, very unhealthy. You shouldn't be putting your relationship ahead of your own personal responsibilities. What if she dropped you, for whatever reason? Now your grades suck because you've been skipping, and you're bordering on getting fired for repeated sick calls at work! If you're not at your best (because you're skipping class, calling in sick to work), your not giving your best. You're not a whole person if you're doing this sort of stuff. You're relying on her to make you whole. If anything, this sort of behavior makes you... desperate.

 

 

 

Do you honestly expect her to skip class? Call in sick to work? Just to spend time with you? That's not right.

 

This is how relationships work: Y'all see each other in your spare time. That is, outside of school/work/other obligations.

 

This is true. I stopped all of this 4 months ago. Because of that she's been pulling her own weight. I never blamed her for anything but instead blamed myself, I was the one who spoiled her with that treatment. Problem now is she got used to it, and feels I don't love her like I used to because I don't do those things anymore.

[Star Gazer]

Whoa, I didn't think it was crazy like that. I think he was just trying to explain how he's been feeling all along. It sounds to me like it's been a cumulative thing in their relationship, not a "she went to lunch and didn't call that one time" kind of situation.

 

To me, it sounds like he LIVES for his GF. He drops anything and everything for her. He has no life but his GF. He said that if he were with friends and family, he'd still be in touch with her (even if he was only with them for 1.5 hours?). He's upset that on her lunch break, she had lunch with a friend, and didn't call him instead. This isn't healthy thinking.

 

Everyone deserves some "me" time, and to me it sounds like she's been taking hers, but he hasn't been taking his. It doesn't sound like she bears any responsibility for how he's feeling... honestly. He's taken this upon himself. He's dropped everything for her. Has she asked him to? No. He's just done it, because he's so dependent and obsessed (it sounds) with being with her.

[Star Gazer]

This is true. I stopped all of this 4 months ago. Because of that she's been pulling her own weight. I never blamed her for anything but instead blamed myself, I was the one who spoiled her with that treatment. Problem now is she got used to it, and feels I don't love her like I used to because I don't do those things anymore.

 

Very poor choice of words.

 

That wasn't you spoiling her. That was you being dependent on her.

[serial muse]

Not at all. She just wasn't completely honest about something. One day I was just pondering on things and I realized that what she had told me didn't add time by the dates she had given me. When I asked her about it she broke down and came forth with the information. It was kind of dumb but at the same time I could understand why she hid it from me. Its just hard to look past that. I'm the kind of person where if you break my trust, its hard to get it back. Ever since then its been hard to take what she says to heart, I'll just accept what she says but in the back of my mind I think to myself "its probably not the case but whatever, I'll let things play out".

 

Well, that kind of constant, underlying mistrust is pretty exhausting, though. What is sounds like to me is that you really, really liked this girl and off the bat gave everything you had to the relationship - and when she didn't do the same, you felt hurt, resentful and unwanted.

 

The thing is, although Star's being really vehement in the way she said it I think there's truth to the idea that you shouldn't put your relationship ahead of the other facets of your life. Because ultimately, there will always been times when life gets in the way - you'll have other priorities, she'll have other priorities - and you'll need to know if you can trust each other enough to focus on those things and then come back together. It sounds like you've got a lot of resentment built up toward her at this point, and that makes it really hard to grow that kind of trust.

 

You said you've been pulling back a bit, and she's noticed. I think pulling back is good, as long as you're doing it for positive reasons - to focus on your work, hobbies, friends, family, yourself - rather than for negative reasons (like to get back at her).

 

Edited to add: saw the other posts. I know what you mean about carrying the resentment forward, but maybe that's the thing you'll really have to work on. If you want to stay with her, that is. If she's generally responding how you want her to - which is great - then at some point, you do have to let go of the lingering anger or it will consume your relationship.

 

I'm not saying it's easy. I have troubling letting go of resentment too. So I'm just speaking from experience.

[Star Gazer]

Here's the situation:

 

MDM: Emotionally dependent on his GF, has dropped everything in his life to be with her, yet admits he's disrespectful to her, and has no respect for his GF's twin sister.

 

GF: Has a needy boyfriend who wants every minute of her time, is disrespectful to her, and hates her twin sister. So in return, she's "short and quippy" with him on the telephone when he pretends to be nice.

 

Hmm.

 

Cut the cord. This isn't going anywhere.

[mr.dream merchant]

Well, that kind of constant, underlying mistrust is pretty exhausting, though. What is sounds like to me is that you really, really liked this girl and off the bat gave everything you had to the relationship - and when she didn't do the same, you felt hurt, resentful and unwanted.

 

The thing is, although Star's being really vehement in the way she said it I think there's truth to the idea that you shouldn't put your relationship ahead of the other facets of your life. Because ultimately, there will always been times when life gets in the way - you'll have other priorities, she'll have other priorities - and you'll need to know if you can trust each other enough to focus on those things and then come back together. It sounds like you've got a lot of resentment built up toward her at this point, and that makes it really hard to grow that kind of trust.

 

You said you've been pulling back a bit, and she's noticed. I think pulling back is good, as long as you're doing it for positive reasons - to focus on your work, hobbies, friends, family, yourself - rather than for negative reasons (like to get back at her).

 

Yeah I noticed. My grades were hurting, my job was noticing the days off. I stopped all of that because before it escalated I witnessed my friend lose his GF and he had nothing left. He did what I was doing until their relationship ended. It opened my eyes. I felt kind of disgusted with myself. I was so happy about having this wonderful GF in my life that I kind threw away my own life. I was by no means obsessed with her, but I was always available to her. When I was with my homeboys, whenever she'd contact me I'd answer back. She could reach me whenver she pleased. That was basically it. I was always there. That was what made me feel slighted. I was always there for her and she wasn't always there for me. I still had my own life, I still did my own thing. I was just always there for her and she wasn't for me. And it made me resentful, not to her, but to myself because it was my fault. But at the same time it made me feel not so loved, not so important to her. So I withdrew. Things are better in that aspect now. We both do our own thing get our own time. It healthier than it was at the beginning. Thank god.

[Untouchable_Fire]

This is true. I stopped all of this 4 months ago. Because of that she's been pulling her own weight. I never blamed her for anything but instead blamed myself, I was the one who spoiled her with that treatment. Problem now is she got used to it, and feels I don't love her like I used to because I don't do those things anymore.

 

DM,

 

Dude you need to get it together. To answer your first question... Yes that's when most girls will run around on you. Now some will and some wont, but the ones that will do it at this stage.

 

You feel insecure because she isn't affectionate enough towards you, and doesn't give the respect you need. That makes you put up this emotional wall of pride... and you can't really fix things while that is up.

 

How old are you?

[mr.dream merchant]

DM,

 

Dude you need to get it together. To answer your first question... Yes that's when most girls will run around on you. Now some will and some wont, but the ones that will do it at this stage.

 

You feel insecure because she isn't affectionate enough towards you, and doesn't give the respect you need. That makes you put up this emotional wall of pride... and you can't really fix things while that is up.

 

How old are you?

 

 

I'm 20 years old and she's 22.

[Star Gazer]

Yeah I noticed. My grades were hurting, my job was noticing the days off. I stopped all of that because before it escalated I witnessed my friend lose his GF and he had nothing left. He did what I was doing until their relationship ended. It opened my eyes. I felt kind of disgusted with myself. I was so happy about having this wonderful GF in my life that I kind threw away my own life.

 

I'm glad you realized things were going haywire. And see what you said there? Even in the BEST relationship, you always have your "own life." Don't ever give that up.

 

I was by no means obsessed with her, but I was always available to her. When I was with my homeboys, whenever she'd contact me I'd answer back. She could reach me whenver she pleased. That was basically it. I was always there.

 

What's interesting about this, is that most women would tire of this and lose interest in a guy who was SO available and made it so obvious that he was, in fact, giving up his entire life for her. It's really not attractive, so I'm glad you stopped that behavior.

 

But now you have to look at WHY you stopped doing it. You shouldn't stop being available to her because she wasn't equally available, but because you know that you need to maintain your own life. If you maintain your own life, you simply won't be AS available to her.

 

That's what makes quality time special - time is a form of currency. You were spending it like it was free. Who values something that comes easily and is absolutely?

[serial muse]

Yeah I noticed. My grades were hurting, my job was noticing the days off. I stopped all of that because before it escalated I witnessed my friend lose his GF and he had nothing left. He did what I was doing until their relationship ended. It opened my eyes. I felt kind of disgusted with myself. I was so happy about having this wonderful GF in my life that I kind threw away my own life. I was by no means obsessed with her, but I was always available to her. When I was with my homeboys, whenever she'd contact me I'd answer back. She could reach me whenver she pleased. That was basically it. I was always there. That was what made me feel slighted. I was always there for her and she wasn't always there for me. I still had my own life, I still did my own thing. I was just always there for her and she wasn't for me. And it made me resentful, not to her, but to myself because it was my fault. But at the same time it made me feel not so loved, not so important to her. So I withdrew. Things are better in that aspect now. We both do our own thing get our own time. It healthier than it was at the beginning. Thank god.

 

Well, this sounds like you've figured some stuff out...I don't know, hopefully she'll be mature enough to understand this as well.

 

But you know, this is really a departure from your OP in this thread...it sounds like neither of you is prone to cheating, you've just got to figure out a balance.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Here's the situation:

MDM: Emotionally dependent on his GF, has dropped everything in his life to be with her, yet admits he's disrespectful to her, and has no respect for his GF's twin sister.

GF: Has a needy boyfriend who wants every minute of her time, is disrespectful to her, and hates her twin sister. So in return, she's "short and quippy" with him on the telephone when he pretends to be nice.

Hmm.

Cut the cord. This isn't going anywhere.

 

I think this whole thing failed at the start when he OVER tried and his GF just kind of sat back and enjoyed.

 

He has some emotional walls up that just won't come down.

 

I agree, this relationship is over.

[mr.dream merchant]

I'm glad you realized things were going haywire. And see what you said there? Even in the BEST relationship, you always have your "own life." Don't ever give that up.

 

 

 

What's interesting about this, is that most women would tire of this and lose interest in a guy who was SO available and made it so obvious that he was, in fact, giving up his entire life for her. It's really not attractive, so I'm glad you stopped that behavior.

 

But now you have to look at WHY you stopped doing it. You shouldn't stop being available to her because she wasn't equally available, but because you know that you need to maintain your own life. If you maintain your own life, you simply won't be AS available to her.

 

That's what makes quality time special - time is a form of currency. You were spending it like it was free. Who values something that comes easily and is absolutely?

 

I stopped doing it because it was bonkers. Not only that but I felt I was getting back the love I was giving out. And I knew that if I kept it up, things would get worse. So I stopped. And I never looked at it like that but that's true. She would get upset though, when I was with my friends and I didn't reply for like an hour. Its like she needs the attention no matter what but wouldn't give it back. I just stopped. Everything felt so wrong and unfair to me.

[serial muse]

I don't necessarily agree that it's over. It sounds like there's still potential there.

 

dream, I was going to ask if this was your first serious relationship...and it sounds like maybe it is? Which does actually explain a lot...I think that a lot of people - men and women both - get a bit bowled over by the intensity of a relationship initially, and aren't sure how to keep a piece of themselves for themselves. But you're figuring it out for yourself, and that's a good thing.

 

Whether or not you'll both figure this out together I can't tell...but boundaries are a huge challenge in any relationship, and that's apparently at the core of some of this strife. Sounds like some of that's getting sorted...I don't know that I'd give up on them just yet.

[mr.dream merchant]

I agree I have some walls up. But I've noticed that when I let them down, she tries to abuse my kindness. She'll mentally test to see if I'll go back to how I used to be. She do it by commanding little things. And when I object, she's gets upset because she knows she can't have everything her way like it used to be. So its like leave the walls up or have her keep pushing for the old me.

[mr.dream merchant]

This is my first real relationship. This is her 3rd. Her last boyfriend, she even told me, did anything and everything she wanted. And the worst part was she said she never really saw him as a boyfriend, just a guy friend who'd spoil her. She admits to using him.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I'm 20 years old and she's 22.

 

Don't you feel like you could do better?

 

And about what SG is saying in terms of being available. You have to determine a balance in every relationship. Not all women want the same thing.

 

My suggestion is to start getting female friends. It will give you a better understanding of how they think, and a wider social network to date from.

 

Have you had someone cheat on you before? It sounds like the possibility bothers you a lot. Why?

[Star Gazer]

I stopped doing it because it was bonkers. Not only that but I felt I was getting back the love I was giving out.

 

I know you won't agree with me, but this isn't love. It's dependency. The two are very different.

[mr.dream merchant]

Don't you feel like you could do better?

 

And about what SG is saying in terms of being available. You have to determine a balance in every relationship. Not all women want the same thing.

 

My suggestion is to start getting female friends. It will give you a better understanding of how they think, and a wider social network to date from.

 

Have you had someone cheat on you before? It sounds like the possibility bothers you a lot. Why?

 

 

While the 3 previous girls before her I wouldn't call a relationship, we were exclusive. All three of them cheated on me. The funny part is, before them I was never insecure nor dependent. I guess the hit my pride took kind of made me afraid of getting hurt again. So I always keep my guard up. After them I just messed around with a bunch of random females, 5 of them. Just flings, one night stands, meaningless **** to get a nut. Even with my current GF I don't let myself get too open with her because I just want to be ready for the worst to come.

[Untouchable_Fire]

This is my first real relationship. This is her 3rd. Her last boyfriend, she even told me, did anything and everything she wanted. And the worst part was she said she never really saw him as a boyfriend, just a guy friend who'd spoil her. She admits to using him.

 

She has emotional issues. I can't believe she would have the balls to admit that to you.

 

This whole thing is unhealthy for your self esteem, and you need to build some respect for women in general. Right now it's all mistrust and anger.

 

I got through that in High School, but I had a lot of friends that dealt with it in college.

[mr.dream merchant]

I know you won't agree with me, but this isn't love. It's dependency. The two are very different.

 

The dependency I think came from how good I felt in the beginning, how secure she made me feel. Then when the who dishonesty thing came up, I started getting old feelings back from the previous GF's before her. I was like "well if she's going to lie to me about this, then what else is she lying about?" Since then that 100% trust hasn't been there. I tried to get it back, through that giving her whatever she liked, but whatever she liked turned into why am I not getting this in return? Again, it was all my fault. Being my first real relationship I didn't know how to act. Now things aren't as turbulent, the ride really smoothed out. Now we're fighting about her sister. Something that I don't see either of us putting our guns away on.

 

I'm not saying I'll never respect her sister, but as of right now, what she's doing is just distasteful. And the lack of respect for my GF and I's privacy that she portays, I'd rather not have anything to do with her. My GF got upset with me and said that I care more about my friends than her sister. I'm not going to lie, I sure do. I feel confused, was I dating my GF or her sister? Why do I need to care for her sister so much?

[Untouchable_Fire]

While the 3 previous girls before her I wouldn't call a relationship, we were exclusive. All three of them cheated on me. The funny part is, before them I was never insecure nor dependent. I guess the hit my pride took kind of made me afraid of getting hurt again. So I always keep my guard up. After them I just messed around with a bunch of random females, 5 of them. Just flings, one night stands, meaningless **** to get a nut. Even with my current GF I don't let myself get too open with her because I just want to be ready for the worst to come.

 

If you hit 3 cheaters in a row... you may be attracted to the wrong types. Don't blame all women... only some of them cheat.

 

I used to have similar issues. I developed an "I will get her before she gets me" attitude. It didn't make anything better, because I couldn't connect with anyone emotionally.

[mr.dream merchant]

I just want to move forward from this whole situation with her sister. But I don't know how if she isn't giving it a chance. Right now as it stands we're both giving each other space.