Ladies, when you and your BF are fighting..

[mr.dream merchant]

Yeah I know. I'm going to give Lucky One the benefit of the doubt because she probably thought I tell my GF those exact words to her face about her sister. I'd never do that. I know and respect that that's her loved one. But its how I feel. And I can't help it. And I told my GF that the reason why I come off as kind of not wanting anything to do with her sister is because I don't respect her sister, or what she does.

 

I mean that and then the whole phone thing, its just...so frustrating. My GF and I can't get any time alone on the phone when her sister is around. Her sister, knowing that I'm on the phone, will come in and just have a full on conversation with her. But when her sister is doing things with guys, my GF never bothers her. My GF respects her space and privacy. My brother doesn't barge in on my GF and I's phone convos. Her sister needs to fall back. Nobody cares about who she's giving it up to.

[mr.dream merchant]

It sounds like maybe this relationship is on it's last legs and that is probably for the better. What exactly is this drama queen doing for your life? While you are sitting here stressing yourself out over one of her angry moods for god knows what reason you can be out there enjoying life. Is she really that important that it is worth dealing with this nonsense?

 

 

I know it sounds lame but yeah man. I really do care about this girl. But sometimes things about her don't make any sense. I'm not sure if that's all females but its like she lets her emotions cloud her logic, and then she just has this ass backwards way of thinking.

[Woggle]

If you do care about her then you need to refuse to even deal with her when she is like this. She needs to know that you won't just bend over backwards every time she gets in one of her moods. You have to nip this in the bud right now or else this pattern will continue and just get worse. She needs to respect you and way for that to happen is if you put your foot down. Either that or you can find a woman that doesn't act like a spoiled child to get her way. They do exist.

[donnamaybe]

Either that or you can find a woman that doesn't act like a spoiled child to get her way. They do exist.

 

Yep. I know plenty of gals, young ones too, who don't act like your GF does. I don't know how you put up with some of the things you do.

[Jersey Shortie]

That's why I just tell her to have some time to herself. If she isn't ready to move on then how can I help her?

 

Sometimes women just want you to listen to them and know that you are *really* listening.

 

I know it sounds lame but yeah man. I really do care about this girl. But sometimes things about her don't make any sense. I'm not sure if that's all females but its like she lets her emotions cloud her logic, and then she just has this ass backwards way of thinking.

 

Please stop right there. Is it any wonder she gets upset with you? Basically you just put down her emtions and said that if she feelisn strongly about something she obviously can't be using her logic too. I am sorry but relationships are about feelings. How the other person makes us feel. Right now your upset basically because of the way she is making you feel. Not because of some great "logical" insight you have over her. I hate when men say this crap becaus honestly, I am sorry but when it comes to relationships men are not more logical and don't have this great logical insight above women. It's like you are saying your girlfriend is stupid and her thoughts don't matter but yours do and are above hers. Is there any wonder why she would be upset with that mentality. maybe it's your thinking that is ass backwards.

 

Finally, about her sister getting in on your phone calls. I can understand that being annoying. Isn't there a way to ask your sister to talk to her sister in a polite way? My own brother use to date a girl that would always have to talk to him while he was on the phone with my mom or I. She was jealous of his own family. Ridiculous but true.

[mr.dream merchant]

If you do care about her then you need to refuse to even deal with her when she is like this. She needs to know that you won't just bend over backwards every time she gets in one of her moods. You have to nip this in the bud right now or else this pattern will continue and just get worse. She needs to respect you and way for that to happen is if you put your foot down. Either that or you can find a woman that doesn't act like a spoiled child to get her way. They do exist.

 

That's what I'm doing right now. I just don't understand how others want me to kill her with kindness when she acts so disrespectul and stank with me. Who would want to deal with that? I know she's my GF but I don't want **** to do with her when she's like that. If we were living together and she was like this I'd just leave the house and go somewhere. Point is we fought, I admitted some faults of my own, but now what? She should be willing to move on but its like she's holding this **** over my head. I understand she's upset but damn, if you're upset with me to the point that when you call me you aren't saying anything on the phone, when you do speak, you're rude and nasty, then just don't communicate with me at all. When I told her to just not even contact me until she's calm and not so gross about it she just replied "you would say that wouldn't you?"...What am I supposed to do?

[Woggle]

If you kill her with kindness you will end up another whipped man who breaks his neck to satisfy a perpetually unsatisfied and resentful woman. I know you claim to care about her but I think you would do yourself a favor by just breaking it off with her.You could be doing so many more njoyable and productive things right now than dealing with her crap. I would tell her that if this doesn't stop you are breaking up with her and if it doesn't change follow through on that threat.

[GorillaTheater]

Please stop right there. Is it any wonder she gets upset with you? Basically you just put down her emtions and said that if she feelisn strongly about something she obviously can't be using her logic too. I am sorry but relationships are about feelings. How the other person makes us feel. Right now your upset basically because of the way she is making you feel. Not because of some great "logical" insight you have over her. I hate when men say this crap becaus honestly, I am sorry but when it comes to relationships men are not more logical and don't have this great logical insight above women. It's like you are saying your girlfriend is stupid and her thoughts don't matter but yours do and are above hers. Is there any wonder why she would be upset with that mentality. maybe it's your thinking that is ass backwards.

 

Finally, about her sister getting in on your phone calls. I can understand that being annoying. Isn't there a way to ask your sister to talk to her sister in a polite way? My own brother use to date a girl that would always have to talk to him while he was on the phone with my mom or I. She was jealous of his own family. Ridiculous but true.

 

Read the first three sentences, then read the last three sentences.

 

You don't need to "validate" another person's emotions, whether they are strongly held or not. Some emotions are simply and objectively stupid.

[Lucky_One]

Mr, why don't you get your GF to come post here?

 

I think it would be interesting to get HER side of this story, instead of just yours.

 

As everyone on LS should know, there are always 3 sides - his, hers and the truth.

[mr.dream merchant]

Sometimes women just want you to listen to them and know that you are *really* listening.

 

 

 

Please stop right there. Is it any wonder she gets upset with you? Basically you just put down her emtions and said that if she feelisn strongly about something she obviously can't be using her logic too. I am sorry but relationships are about feelings. How the other person makes us feel. Right now your upset basically because of the way she is making you feel. Not because of some great "logical" insight you have over her. I hate when men say this crap becaus honestly, I am sorry but when it comes to relationships men are not more logical and don't have this great logical insight above women. It's like you are saying your girlfriend is stupid and her thoughts don't matter but yours do and are above hers. Is there any wonder why she would be upset with that mentality. maybe it's your thinking that is ass backwards.

 

Finally, about her sister getting in on your phone calls. I can understand that being annoying. Isn't there a way to ask your sister to talk to her sister in a polite way? My own brother use to date a girl that would always have to talk to him while he was on the phone with my mom or I. She was jealous of his own family. Ridiculous but true.

 

Its not like I don't listen to her. But when we're on the phone, she isn't saying much. She's just on the phone, its dead quiet. I try and kill the awkwardness by creating conversation or trying to get her to laugh. But she's in such a bad mood that she just kills all of that with a disrespectful tone of voice and one word responses. So I'm like iight lemme just stay quiet. She goes "HELLO!?" Then I respond and she goes "Why aren't talking? If you don't want to talk to me then get off the phone." W.T.F.

[Jersey Shortie]

I give you the justification that men always give when they do stuff.."she's a chick. Deal with it.".

 

 

Read the first three sentences, then read the last three sentences.

 

You don't need to "validate" another person's emotions, whether they are strongly held or not. Some emotions are simply and objectively stupid.

 

Thinking my brother's girlfriend is ridiculous for her feelings and thinking that my own partner is ridiculous for their feelings, different things. Not agreeing with someone's emotions is one thing, telling a partner you think their feelings are stupid is another.

[GorillaTheater]

Thinking my brother's girlfriend is ridiculous for her feelings and thinking that my own partner is ridiculous for their feelings, different things. Not agreeing with someone's emotions is one thing, telling a partner you think their feelings are stupid is another.

 

I'm not advocating telling an SO, at least not in most cases, that his/her emotions are stupid. But you jumped on the OP for merely opining that his gf's thinking was stupid. It's not clear to me that he told her what he thought.

[Jersey Shortie]

Not agreeing with your partner is one thing Gorilla. I am able to not agree with the way my partner feels about something while respecting why he feels that way. An ex of mine loved the classic fantasy ideal of two women. I hated it. But I never once thought he was stupid for it or mocked him and his feelings or intellect for feeling the way he did about it.

 

Thinking their feelings are stupid and less logical then you're own arrogant. And I often find that alot of men do think women are "stupid" for having feelings in a relationship and yet claim they are so "logical" with their feelings in the relationship. Which is a bunch of BS. Men are NOT more logical when it comes to women and relationships.

 

And if you don't think a woman can sense when you think she is "silly" for her feelings, you would be kidding yourself.

[mr.dream merchant]

Can we please not derail my thread. I'm looking for advice. I admit I'm guilty for thinking what she's doing right now is pretty backwards because it isn't getting us anywhere. Why come on the phone with that state of mind?

[donnamaybe]

Because she's spoiled! So is her sister, she just displays it in a different manner (i.e., thinking it's okay to screw the boyfriends of her friends).

 

You just have to choose whether you want to deal with a spoiled woman the rest of your life.

[serial muse]

Can we please not derail my thread. I'm looking for advice. I admit I'm guilty for thinking what she's doing right now is pretty backwards because it isn't getting us anywhere. Why come on the phone with that state of mind?

 

dream, it sounds though like when you get on the phone you have a specific idea of how she should be, too. If you're not planning to call with the intent to be understanding/loving of her, then why are you calling? What are you waiting for her to do?

 

I don't know, my sister can be nuts but I wouldn't stand for my BF talking smack about my family like he knows everything there is to know. I get that you don't like her, and you aren't required to, and I get that you don't say to your GF what you said to us.

 

But never underestimate people's ability to sense what you don't say. She knows how you feel about her sister, and it's causing a rift. Sounds like you're not willing to bend on that one, and neither is she. Since it's her family, I'm inclined to think you're the one in this case that ought to bend. I'm sure you wouldn't like it if she dissed a member of your family.

 

But, if this is a dealbreaker for you, and it really sounds like it is, then that's that.

 

I just have to say, though, that I think the real issue is that you don't trust her. I don't really have a good sense of whether that's justifiable, or what she's done to undermine your trust in her. You may have good reasons. But you were wondering whether she'd go off and cheat on you because you're fighting. I have to admit, if I suspected my BF really thought so little of me, I wouldn't have much to say to him either, no matter how many jokes he cracked while we're on the phone. You can't hide some stuff under false cheerfulness.

[Woggle]

Just because a person is a family member does not mean that you should support everything they do. I would never expect my wife to condone what my mother does or what the other nuts in my family do.

[mr.dream merchant]

dream, it sounds though like when you get on the phone you have a specific idea of how she should be, too. If you're not planning to call with the intent to be understanding/loving of her, then why are you calling? What are you waiting for her to do?

 

I don't know, my sister can be nuts but I wouldn't stand for my BF talking smack about my family like he knows everything there is to know. I get that you don't like her, and you aren't required to, and I get that you don't say to your GF what you said to us.

 

But never underestimate people's ability to sense what you don't say. She knows how you feel about her sister, and it's causing a rift. Sounds like you're not willing to bend on that one, and neither is she. Since it's her family, I'm inclined to think you're the one in this case that ought to bend. I'm sure you wouldn't like it if she dissed a member of your family.

 

But, if this is a dealbreaker for you, and it really sounds like it is, then that's that.

 

I just have to say, though, that I think the real issue is that you don't trust her. I don't really have a good sense of whether that's justifiable, or what she's done to undermine your trust in her. You may have good reasons. But you were wondering whether she'd go off and cheat on you because you're fighting. I have to admit, if I suspected my BF really thought so little of me, I wouldn't have much to say to him either, no matter how many jokes he cracked while we're on the phone. You can't hide some stuff under false cheerfulness.

 

Yeah I guess you're right. Its not like I don't want to be understanding and loving of her, she just isn't giving me the chance. She comes on the phone, and instead of making progress we just take two steps back because she's so uptight and disrespectful. Its a waste of time to even talk to her. I can't be understanding and loving of her because she isn't giving me a chance, its ****ing bull****.

[serial muse]

Just because a person is a family member does not mean that you should support everything they do. I would never expect my wife to condone what my mother does or what the other nuts in my family do.

 

I agree with this, in a general sense...but in this particular case, I suppose I don't feel like I have a good sense of how bad this sister is. No offense to mr.dream merchant intended, but he really went off on her with the name-calling, and then when he got called out for it, he backed off a lot. Maybe the girl is rude and obnoxious, but jesus, that's family. I suspect he's riling himself up over stuff because bottom line is he's pissed at his GF for other things.

 

The trust thing is what he's posted about before. I think that's the real issue, and talking bad about a family member as a way to get back at his GF isn't cool. Reading between the lines, sounds to me like he's really annoyed that his GF doesn't have solid boundaries with her sister (for example, telling her to stay out of their private conversations). That's totally reasonable, and I think she should tell her sister to back off. Calling her a skank-ass ho, however - even if it's not to her face - is not okay.

 

dream, maybe you need to really think about what you're feeling about your GF. What is it that's really bothering you about her? Has she actually violated your trust, or do you just have a more vague worry that she will somehow? Is that based on actual past actions of hers, towards you or towards someone else? Do you feel like she doesn't put you first? Do you feel like she's not prioritizing your relationship enough, so that you feel insecure about how she feels about you?

 

Think about it in those terms...her sister just isn't the problem here.

[mr.dream merchant]

I agree with this, in a general sense...but in this particular case, I suppose I don't feel like I have a good sense of how bad this sister is. No offense to mr.dream merchant intended, but he really went off on her with the name-calling, and then when he got called out for it, he backed off a lot. Maybe the girl is rude and obnoxious, but jesus, that's family. I suspect he's riling himself up over stuff because bottom line is he's pissed at his GF for other things.

 

The trust thing is what he's posted about before. I think that's the real issue, and talking bad about a family member as a way to get back at his GF isn't cool. Reading between the lines, sounds to me like he's really annoyed that his GF doesn't have solid boundaries with her sister (for example, telling her to stay out of their private conversations). That's totally reasonable, and I think she should tell her sister to back off. Calling her a skank-ass ho, however - even if it's not to her face - is not okay.

 

dream, maybe you need to really think about what you're feeling about your GF. What is is that's really bothering you about her? Has she violated your trust? Do you feel like she doesn't put you first? Do you feel like she's not prioritizing your relationship enough, so that you feel insecure about how she feels about you?

 

Think about it in those terms...her sister just isn't the problem here.

 

 

She has violated my trust before. And there were times where I felt like she didn't put me first and I always did. That was at the beginning of the relationship though. I was overwhelmed with having a GF. I used to do everything for her. I'd skip class, call in sick to work, anything I could think of just to be with her. But with her...it was like she never MADE the time to be with me. She only saw me when she had the time. After a couple months of this I just felt..used. I felt ****ing played. Here I am doing anything possible to be with her, making time where there was none, but whenever I wanted to see her it was a problem. She never had the time, or oh, she was busy. I got so fed up I began distancing myself from her. She noticed, of course she did, she was spoiled by me. She always says I don't love her like I used to and I look her right in the face and I tell her "Yeah you're right, because you weren't reciprocating that love back." This hasn't put any kind of strain on our relationship except for at the time when those changes were made. In terms of effort and love shared in the relationship, it was 70/30. Me being the 70. I was always feeling like a little lovestruck schoolboy and I never knew why. When I realized what was going on I withdrew, I became less dependant on her and more dependant on my friends/family. She didn't like it but she's gotten used to it.

[mr.dream merchant]

At times I feel like she still doesn't make me a priority like I do for her. When she's with friends and family, she disappears and I won't hear from her for like an hour and a half. Fine with me. But it makes me think because when I'm with friends and family, I'm still there, keeping in touch with her. I can't help but notice things like that. It makes me feel like she doesn't love me like I do her. To be honest, it feels like she just used something as an excuse to not talk to me. If she's at work, and she's on her lunch break she can't call me because she's eating lunch with a friend. But its never that way with me. I always gladly call her when I have the time, even if there's a friend around it doesn't stop me. She lets small things stop her from seeing or communicating with me. I've always felt kind of slighted about that. Not like I want to command her every free minute. But be real about it, don't use things around you an excuse to not talk to me. I remember one time we were supposed to see each other. It was a week before that when we saw each other. She just got off of work and told me that she was tired and didn't want to see me. Being tired because of work is fine, but not wanting to see me because you're tired? How does that work? Am I going to be a nuiscance of some sort? She totally just blew me off. I've never done that to her. And if I told her I didn't want to see her for that same reason, we'd argue. I guess I'm rambling on some needy schoolboy ****, but at times I feel so damn disposable because of how she just dismisses me.

 

I guess I'm a bit insecure of her cheating on me because of how...disposable I feel. She treats me like I'm there whenever she wants and feels like seeing me. And I'm not gonna lie, like a stupid ass I've played into that role. I'm there whenever and however she chooses. I've been breaking out of that mold lately and its been causing a few skirmishes. It sucks.

[Star Gazer]

Yeah I mean, I let my feelings get the best of me and I'm dumb at times, but **** I'm not that dumb. They're twins duke! I'd never tell my shorty that to her face about her sister you crazy?! Lmao.

 

Obviously, this is flatly untrue. Otherwise, why would she be pissed at you? Do you think she can read your mind? Puleeze.

 

It's time for HER to move on.

[serial muse]

At times I feel like she still doesn't make me a priority like I do for her. When she's with friends and family, she disappears and I won't hear from her for like an hour and a half. Fine with me. But it makes me think because when I'm with friends and family, I'm still there, keeping in touch with her. I can't help but notice things like that. It makes me feel like she doesn't love me like I do her. To be honest, it feels like she just used something as an excuse to not talk to me. If she's at work, and she's on her lunch break she can't call me because she's eating lunch with a friend. But its never that way with me. I always gladly call her when I have the time, even if there's a friend around it doesn't stop me. She lets small things stop her from seeing or communicating with me. I've always felt kind of slighted about that. Not like I want to command her every free minute. But be real about it, don't use things around you an excuse to not talk to me. I remember one time we were supposed to see each other. It was a week before that when we saw each other. She just got off of work and told me that she was tired and didn't want to see me. Being tired because of work is fine, but not wanting to see me because you're tired? How does that work? Am I going to be a nuiscance of some sort? She totally just blew me off. I've never done that to her. And if I told her I didn't want to see her for that same reason, we'd argue. I guess I'm rambling on some needy schoolboy ****, but at times I feel so damn disposable because of how she just dismisses me.

 

You don't sound rambling at all. I thought this was really honest, dream, thanks. That clears things up a lot.

 

Seriously, I can understand the feeling that you're doing the heavy lifting in a relationship, and that you're not getting it back in return - I've been there, and it causes some serious resentment. And it sounds, too, like you've brought that up with her and she doesn't quite get it. Which would also make me resentful.

 

I see why you're upset. But I have to ask, just so I understand...by violated your trust, do you mean she cheated?

[Star Gazer]

At times I feel like she still doesn't make me a priority like I do for her. When she's with friends and family, she disappears and I won't hear from her for like an hour and a half. Fine with me. But it makes me think because when I'm with friends and family, I'm still there, keeping in touch with her. I can't help but notice things like that. It makes me feel like she doesn't love me like I do her. To be honest, it feels like she just used something as an excuse to not talk to me. If she's at work, and she's on her lunch break she can't call me because she's eating lunch with a friend.

 

Are you SERIOUS?!?!?! Does she have to check in with you every single minute of the day?!?! GOD FORBID she have lunch with a friend, rather than chat with you! GOD FORBID that she spend an hour and a half of quality time with her friends and family!!!!

 

OMG, you have some HUGE insecurity issues. I honestly don't think I've ever seen a needier man - nay, boy/guy - on LS!

[serial muse]

Are you SERIOUS?!?!?! Does she have to check in with you every single minute of the day?!?! GOD FORBID she have lunch with a friend, rather than chat with you! GOD FORBID that she spend an hour and a half of quality time with her friends and family!!!!

 

OMG, you have some HUGE insecurity issues. I honestly don't think I've ever seen a needier man - nay, boy/guy - on LS!

 

Whoa, I didn't think it was crazy like that. I think he was just trying to explain how he's been feeling all along. It sounds to me like it's been a cumulative thing in their relationship, not a "she went to lunch and didn't call that one time" kind of situation.