yasmina1706 Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 This might sound like a strange problem, but I'm unsure how to approach or deal with it. I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months and we are at university together. He is kind, sweet, fun and very supportive, but there is one thing that I just wish I could change about him. He is a bit of a snob. I am english and middle class (mix of private and state school education, parents run their own business, etc) and he is from a european country and upper-middle class (two grandparents were countesses, can trace his family back to 13th century or something like that. His family tree is on a history website and he has a family crest). I wouldn't mind that at all, I have friends who are earl's sons and builders' kids, one of my best friends is a teacher's daughter from zimbabwe, the other from an old aristocratic ecuadorian family and the other grew up in a council house with his parents going in and out of prison. I care about them all and those things never mattered to me, just how I relate to them and how well we get on. But my boyfriend's attitudes are different. He has a need to classify everything and everyone: an example, he started a blog 'to fight against plebeian taste'. I know he said it as a joke but when you hear those things all the time they start to get to you. He also has this stereotype of being 'overly middle class' - someone who does yoga, has a mac laptop and counts calories and worries what others think of them. Yesterday he joked that I was being 'too middle class' when I warned him how many calories are in cheese (he's got slightly fatter and worries about it, yet eats cheese in massive amounts). He has also said it before when I have tried to take a balanced view of racial issues, saying I was being too 'politically correct' - he thinks middle class people accept whatever viewpoint is currently accepted in the media, rather than forming their own. He also said liking gaudi was working class (why the need to classify everything??) Yesterday I got really annoyed and told him that I would never come up with some 'upper middle class' stereotype, even as a joke, and tell him he is similar to it! He said it was just a joke and he didn't mean to upset me, but I do feel upset and annoyed, not just by his attitude to me but his obsession with class in general. What can I say to him? I don't know how to explain how I feel about it. Once I was at his house and his family all started laughing about how working class people don't eat salad (if true, why is it funny??) and have been called a 'bourgeois' at the dinner table by his brother (didn't know what it meant ) I just don't find laughing at class and talking about it constantly funny or even interesting. I find it old-fashioned, narrow-minded and boring. Sorry for the rant, I don't know if anyone can help but people on here seem really nice and supportive. As I said, in every other way he is an amazing boyfriend, I just don't know how to change his attitude and if I can/should, or how to explain that it's upsetting me.
goldencloud Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Hey there, I found your post hilarious because I was in a similar situation some months ago. I come from a relatively wealthy family but oh it was nothing compared to the guy I was dating who most likely could trace his ancestory down to 1000 BC or something(you know what I mean). Initially it was all good, but after a while I noticed these annoying things he would say/do. I once suggested he come to this place with me for a friend's bday and he recoiled in horror and said 'only poor people go there'...I was like 'eh?'..and he proceeded to say oh so eloquently 'darling it's not like I don't like poor people, I just avoid them'...and the ENDLESS rants about 'chavs' (being british I'm sure you'll know what I'm talkin about)...He feared that that if he ventured out of his 'neighbourhood'he would be shot by the 'masses'....(I know, it sounds almost like a joke but he was entirely serious). The last straw was when I once invited a girlfriend of mine out with us clubbing, and she lost her jacket and was kind of upset and he looks at her and says 'darling it was only Zara, surely you wanted to rid yourself of that ghastly material anyways' WTF ANYWAYS I was done...and just said 'You know you may have all the money in the world, but you can' t buy class' Haha, I understand your irritation but one thing that made me more undersanding of the situation is sometimes people really cant help their upbringing. Perhaps you should have a chat with him? I tried with mine, but then he started worrying about my 'socialist' mindset... Yup, I really know how to pick them!
SoulSearch_CO Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 I think his attitude stinks. I also do not think it's going to be something easily changed. Obviously his family is all into it, too. So even if you WERE to change him, you're never going to get away from this attitude. Before you know it, his family is going to be telling him that you are beneath him because you're from a lower class. IMO, people that brag like this are trying to make up for something. In addition, I think it's pretty class-less (to use a slight pun). So...you have to decide if this is something you'd be willing to put up with for the rest of your life. I would also say to be careful and not fall in love with a man's potential. Don't tell yourself that he'd be great if only if he'd change this one thing.... You have to decide if you can love ALL of who he is, or not. There is no in between.
BlueHarvest Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Yikes! If you are having issues liking him and his family about their perspective on life I would say that is a pretty big hiccup right there. People can have the most beautiful faces and bodies and be downright ugly on the inside, this is almost a perfect example of that. Warn him that you won't tolerate a person who acts like that, and that you don't much appreciate his family acting like that either. Honestly I don't see this situation working out for you because the only way it would *possibly* work out is if he estranged himself from his family and completely changed his attitude to please you. Not that I think his attitude is great but for the most part in life, people shouldn't have to change that much to make a relationship work. If that is the case I honestly think you two aren't right for each other. But that is just me talking.
JohnnyBlaze Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 It'll be very difficult to change his mindset now. From the sounds of it, he grew up with this attitude; it's all he's ever known. But you do have to talk with him about it. Have a very serious, hard talk with him. Don't let him joke it away, either. If he says "it's just a joke", tell him no; it's not. How would he feel if you constantly trashed him and his life? What if, for his birthday, you bought him one of those sex toy butts and stuck a silver spoon up it? Would he find that funny? And that's just the tip of a very large iceberg. But of course, you're just joking...right? The more difficult task is his family. There is probably next to nothing that you'll be able to do to change their attitude. So, as much as I hate to say it, you'll have to decide whether to put up with their attitude or to walk away from your boyfriend. If you do walk, make sure he knows exactly why. Sometimes it takes losing someone very special to shake things up.
sotired Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Wow...I hate to laugh but this guy sounds like a total pompous a** If you do continue to date him, if you marry him, you'll never really be accepted as a family member. You can talk with him until you are blue in the face, but this is part of his core value system...It's not something that you can change. If you stay with him just be prepared to hear these comments the rest of your life.
Woggle Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Never be with a person that looks down on you. Having money just means you have money and it does not make you a better person. I come from the ghetto and my wife comes from a more wealthy background but there is not a trace of snobbery from her and if there were I would never be with her. I am proud of what I come from and it makes me what I am today. Because of my job I have to schmooze sometimes with these snobs and while I can easily move in their world they could never survive where I come from. Dump him and find somebody that accepts you for who you are. I am not British but from what I hear chav is the insult term for anybody that is working class and does not live a life of playing cricket and sipping on tea and crumpets all day. Correct me if I am wrong.
TaraMaiden Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Yasmina, I would guess your boyfreind is probably Italian, possibly French, maybe at a push, Spanish. I am Italian. I see this all the time. the rich are spoiled in Italy, and very elitist. Thete is a class structure which is still very prominent and some rich are extremely snobbish. he is a product of his upbringing. he will not change, but will expect you to do so. His family meeting you, will probably not approve, and although they will be very nice, kind hospitable and friendly, will tell him behind your back, that you are not suitable.... he in turn, behind your back, to pacify them, will probably tell them you are just a casual fling, someone with whom he has a relationship, but nothing serious. If he really loves you, he will lose his temper with them, and storm out of the house with you, indignantly. How dare they interfere!! Such drama. He will talk to his father, or more probably, his mother, and argue with them....loudly, and in their native language, of course. Much arm waving and shouting. Blood is thicker than water...... of course, I am making all this up, because I do not know if he is Italian.... Perhaps I am completely wrong. But I can actually see the scenario as you talk about it....
Taramere Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 He also has this stereotype of being 'overly middle class' - someone who does yoga, has a mac laptop and counts calories and worries what others think of them. Surely you can muster up some laughter about the ludicrous hypocrisy of that emboldened part. Yesterday I got really annoyed and told him that I would never come up with some 'upper middle class' stereotype, even as a joke, and tell him he is similar to it! Bad move on your part. You should be dishing it all back with equal gusto. Or tell him that he needs to stop being so obsessed with classifying other people, unless he wants everyone to think he's Jilly Cooper in drag.
Island Girl Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 I would find it difficult to be with someone so blatantly pretentious and stuck up. I honestly do not know how you do it. What did he do when his brother called you bourgeois? I would hope he snapped to defend you in an instant. If he didn't then you can bet he agrees with his family that you are "less than" in whatever ways. That is horrible. As other posters here have said, you should never be with someone who looks down on you.
Peaceandlove Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Does he also wear a signet ring? I know a fair few people who do (english and french) and I absolutely detest it; trying to differentiate themselves from everyone else and sticking their little pinky fingers out when they're flicking their floppy hair! lol you have to kinda feel sorry for them though in a way- missing out on the opportunity of meeting new and interesting people simply because they 'judge a book by its cover' My ex-boyfriend was of Italian ancestry and his family had a crest and the signet ring/ posh school/ limited circle of 'approved' friends. He was extremely judgemental and for a long time I couldn't see that he was doing it to me as well. Still haven't figured out the best way to deal with ppl like this, ie. twats, when they act out cool responces ppl?!
Author yasmina1706 Posted April 15, 2009 Author Posted April 15, 2009 Thanks to everyone who replied - some of your stories really made me laugh and cheered me up as I was a bit down about the whole thing, especially goldencloud's one (the 'socialist' thing is very familiar) and jonnyblaze's silver spoon suggestion Anyway, last night I had a good long talk to him (over 2hr) about how angry and upset his attitude makes me, and he was VERY sorry, he said he never meant to hurt me, and the stereotype was a joke. When I said I don't find it funny, he promised not to say it anymore. Also, he said his family don't care about my class and really like me, they're even paying for him to fly over to me for a weekend, as we will be spending a month apart over the summer. So maybe I am just worrying too much. He was really surprised that I didn't know they really approve of me. His dad also found me a place in his friend's law firm for part of the summer. Plus found out the brother's bourgeois comment wasn't aimed at me, but he says it to everyone! (his brother is a bit of a brat tbh) Oh, and he doesn't wear a signet ring He finds that a bit ridiculous. As for marrying him or anything like that, I think it's a bit early to consider... I'm only 19 and we've been together less than a year. So, we'll see how it goes, and high heels at the ready to stamp on any more annoying comments. I do get on really well with him in other ways, and if this thing can be changed the relationship will be even better... I know he will NEVER cheat on me, he'll drop whatever hes doing instantly to comfort me when I'm sad, and put up with me crying pretty much non-stop for a month when my relative died, as well as taking it out on him, which, in retrospect, can't have been much fun for him. He is also one of the people I have most fun with, and one of the kindest people I know. Slghtly off-topic, what does everyone think about loving their SO despite their flaws? I do However, only up to a point.
bluechocolate Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 He also said liking gaudi was working class .... I'm reminded of that famous saying: "It's funny because it's true !!" I also think Gaudi would have considered that to be the most supreme of compliments.
Trialbyfire Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 How very bourgeois and distasteful of him to mention class or use the word classy!
Author yasmina1706 Posted April 15, 2009 Author Posted April 15, 2009 How very bourgeois and distasteful of him to mention class or use the word classy! I agree with this!
sfsassy Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Never be with a person that looks down on you. Having money just means you have money and it does not make you a better person. I come from the ghetto and my wife comes from a more wealthy background but there is not a trace of snobbery from her and if there were I would never be with her. I am proud of what I come from and it makes me what I am today. Because of my job I have to schmooze sometimes with these snobs and while I can easily move in their world they could never survive where I come from. Dump him and find somebody that accepts you for who you are. I am not British but from what I hear chav is the insult term for anybody that is working class and does not live a life of playing cricket and sipping on tea and crumpets all day. Correct me if I am wrong. I second Woggle. My last ex came from a fairly well to do family. (definitely new money, as opposed to old though.) Even though he said his family wasn't "that" well off, I saw both his mom and his dad's house. Really nice places in really, really desireable neighborhoods. His dad's especially was mansion like. Anyway, my ex would make fun of me for little things, like going to McDonald's once in awhile, (And not because of health concens) or getting the smaller cup of coffee, because it costs less. He thought my favorite, cheap cafe was a bit too "funky" for his tastes. We broke up for other reasons, but looking back on it, I think the economic superiority he felt definitely had something to do it. Also even though I saw both of his parents' houses, I never actually met them.
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