Well Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Well, this is one for the books. 4 years ago I moved from my home island in Hawaii to the west coast. I had to leave my girlfriend of a year there - and eventually we stopped talking and the LDR ended with no real closure. Well a few months ago she messages me VIA myspace telling me that she is still in love with me, and wants to start our relationship back up before she moves to my state to start college here. She currently has a boyfriend who verbally abusive, and I help her out giving advice and help for about two weeks on breaking up with him. Well, a few weeks ago they broke up - and thngs are good for those few weeks. Well, I learn tonight after 3 days of not answering my calls/texts that she got drunk ****ed her Ex-boyfriend and is now pregnant. Was aftraid to tell me because of how I would react - well I really don't know what to do - apparently she is getting an abortion - but I honestly don't know - Is that considering cheating? Was I important enough to even be considered a boyfriend? Help me out.
TaraMaiden Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Yes, of course it was cheating, how could it not be? Whether she has an abortion or not, now, is actually immaterial. The big question really is, how do you feel about all of this? What do you think you want to do?
Author Well Posted April 14, 2009 Author Posted April 14, 2009 I feel stupid - I was told by a few close friends to just cancel the whole thing - But I guess having no closure from before made me want her so badly. I did possibly the most I could do 2000 miles away to try and make her happy. It took me a while to accept she still felt something about me, and the moment I accept it my fears were confirmed. I guess I'm just hurt - I know we can never be a love relationship, but should I try to be there as a friend? or just completely drop her?
KikiW Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 It sounds like she has a lot of issues to work on - particularly the issue of her immaturity. She was in a bad relationship and missed the "good guy," so strings you along until she decides to cut loose and sleep with the "bad boy." You have every right to be hurt, and upset, and I can only say that she will not be a healthy addition to your life. You trusted what she said, and she betrayed that trust. She does not deserve to have you, and you do not deserve to be treated that way. Move on to a bigger and better relationship.
Author Well Posted April 14, 2009 Author Posted April 14, 2009 Yeah, that is what I suspected from the beginning, lol and when I brought up that she just missed a good boyfriend she went all defensive - and tried to make me feel guilty. I think you're right tho, just drop it like a bad habit.
Island Girl Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Sticky situation indeed. I have a few questions. When she got drunk and slept with the ex were you together at that point? Had you made any commitment to her or were you just friends and she was asking for more - but you hadn't confirmed that is what you wanted? When did this happen - how pregnant is she? I am on the fence a bit. The other posters here have valid points. But if she was in abusive relationship as you say, that in itself can lead to extreme "weakness" to the abuser. (I use weakness because I can't really think of a more appropriate word at the moment.) Abuse is a systematic break down of another person - consistent damage both emotional and mental is involved no matter the form of abuse. I bring this up not because it is an excuse but it could be the reason. I hope that makes sense. While she may have gained the strength and resolve to leave the situation over the months you have been talking, when drunk she very easily could feel those old "unworthy" emotions. Often the abuser tactic is to have the other person feel as though he/she will NEVER be loved by another because they are unlovable and the abuser is the "only" one who is willing to "put up with them" and they should feel lucky that someone is willing to do so. For this reason counseling is SO necessary. We lay people can only do so much. Has she sought counseling? Again, I am not dismissing anything. But life is sometimes messy. And it sounds like she was leaning on you but not really addressing it all in the most effective way. In that way it is akin to giving someone crutches when they break a leg but not setting the break so it can heal and they can walk again. You also say she currently has an abusive boyfriend. And that although you have been talking with her for a few months she only broke it off a few weeks ago. -- ? Can you clarify the time line?
Lovin a scrapper Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 I would be so done with her. Im sorry if this sounds tough but I have absolutely no tolerance for cheating and to me this sounds exactly what happened. Two of the most sacred keys to an LDR or any relationship for that matter is being faithful and a trust beyond trusting someone. Both of those were not only broken but shattered.
Author Well Posted April 14, 2009 Author Posted April 14, 2009 Yeah, I kinda mis-wrote it. She did have a boyfriend at the time she started speaking to me, and broke up with him 3 weeks ago. I assumed we were together - everyday we talked, of how much she was in love with me, wished I was there, "I'm so glad you are back in my life" and things like that. Kinda confused about that also - - I just don't like the fact that someone can have sex with someone one night - wake up the next day and tell me they love me. I don't like being the guy on the back burner, I think I have waaayyy more to offer.
Island Girl Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 I don't like being the guy on the back burner, I think I have waaayyy more to offer. I agree. But you assumed you were together? Did you reciprocate when she was pouring out her feelings? And I am sure you know that it is best to not get involved when someone is already involved - and not jump too quickly into a relationship with someone who is not emotionally unencumbered. With the history she has with the recent ex - the abuse - she was emotionally damaged to be sure. And she didn't separate herself from that and get the fall out under control. She just tried to move on and it isn't that easy. Even now she isn't emotionally healthy and won't be without a whole lot of workand assistance.
Author Well Posted April 14, 2009 Author Posted April 14, 2009 Yeah, I understand - She is completely unstable - I think both our lives are better without eachother.
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