WhyYesThankYou Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 He maintains an extensive online presence, and it doesn't help me at all to see him flirting online with a bunch of little attention whores. He seems to be using our breakup for pity, and it looks like it's working. He's got no shortage of chicks lined up to give him a "hug" or a "cuddle." One of them is posting comments about how much better she likes his bed in its new position compared to where it used to be. (Slut.) This all makes me sick, and I know the sensible thing to do is to STOP READING it... but I can't.
fofiffs Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 The only way your gonna get through this is by deleting him off all your contact list i.e myspace, facebook, yahoo IM, MSN, etc.. I was just like you when my ex broke up with me. Your only hurting yourself. It hurts seeing comments like that so why put yourself through that. Its like opening pandoras box. I just completely stop doing that to myself because nothing ever came good out of it. I was just hurting myself not the other person.
Author WhyYesThankYou Posted April 14, 2009 Author Posted April 14, 2009 I know... I'm not actually on any of those things (I know, not on Facebook! Shock, horror!!). I'm actually going onto his blog, his deviantart page, etc. I agree with you, it's like opening a can of worms, and I'd be better not to do it. In a sick way though it feels like it's "helping," because if I can look at his conversations and see that, 6 weeks after I ended it, he's just hooking up with half the girls on the internet, it's "proof" that he was never really interested in me. I was just some girl who was stupid enough to fall for his lines for a while and think I was special. Maybe the combination of realizing that he'll shag anyone who can type, and acknowledging my own stupidity, will help me move on. ?????
fofiffs Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 I know... I'm not actually on any of those things (I know, not on Facebook! Shock, horror!!). I'm actually going onto his blog, his deviantart page, etc. I agree with you, it's like opening a can of worms, and I'd be better not to do it. In a sick way though it feels like it's "helping," because if I can look at his conversations and see that, 6 weeks after I ended it, he's just hooking up with half the girls on the internet, it's "proof" that he was never really interested in me. I was just some girl who was stupid enough to fall for his lines for a while and think I was special. Maybe the combination of realizing that he'll shag anyone who can type, and acknowledging my own stupidity, will help me move on. ????? Well maybe since you were the one to end the relationship, I guess that's probably his way of trying to move on by talking to other women. Do you want him to come back?
Author WhyYesThankYou Posted April 14, 2009 Author Posted April 14, 2009 Do you want him to come back? Yes... and no... I ended it because he wanted to be exclusive, and I didn't. And part of the reason I don't want to be in an exclusive relationship with anyone is that I know I'm not pretty enough, hot enough, smart enough, nice enough, good enough, to keep someone's attention in an exclusive relationship. He was telling me he does like me, did want to be exclusive with me, that I was "special" and "rare" and all that. But... I never believed him. I liked him, I liked him a lot. He's amazing. But I know I'd never keep his attention for long. And so he ended up getting really annoyed that I was seeing other guys (I was open about it), and he really wanted me to stop seeing them and just see him, which I wasn't prepared to do. So I ended it. And how he's banging every girl for miles around, apparently, and it just goes to prove that there was nothing special or rare about me if he can immediately move on not just to anyone, but to everyone. So, to answer your question: yes, I want him to come back. But what I really really want is to be attractive enough and smart enough and all-around-good enough that I'd believe that someone might really want to be with me and only me.
fofiffs Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Yes... and no... I ended it because he wanted to be exclusive, and I didn't. And part of the reason I don't want to be in an exclusive relationship with anyone is that I know I'm not pretty enough, hot enough, smart enough, nice enough, good enough, to keep someone's attention in an exclusive relationship. He was telling me he does like me, did want to be exclusive with me, that I was "special" and "rare" and all that. But... I never believed him. I liked him, I liked him a lot. He's amazing. But I know I'd never keep his attention for long. And so he ended up getting really annoyed that I was seeing other guys (I was open about it), and he really wanted me to stop seeing them and just see him, which I wasn't prepared to do. So I ended it. And how he's banging every girl for miles around, apparently, and it just goes to prove that there was nothing special or rare about me if he can immediately move on not just to anyone, but to everyone. So, to answer your question: yes, I want him to come back. But what I really really want is to be attractive enough and smart enough and all-around-good enough that I'd believe that someone might really want to be with me and only me. From a male's POV my ex was just like you. She thought she wasn't good enough, pretty enough, etc. when we were first dating. But to me she really was special. To me she was good enough, smart enough, attractive enough..etc to be with her. I really didn't care what others thought, all I new was that I really liked her then soon I fell really hard for her. But in the end she left me. I was really devasted when she did. I knew she was talking to other guys in the internet but I trusted her enough to think she wasn;t going to leave me but in the end she did. So maybe he was telling the truth or maybe. Sometimes you just gotta give someone the chance to see if they really do care or not. I did so much for her and her baby but I was the one left hanging in the dust. Some guys go out and go with as much girls as they can for rebound to foget if they do get hurt and some guys like me just can't do that.
Author WhyYesThankYou Posted April 14, 2009 Author Posted April 14, 2009 That's too bad that you cared so much about her and really liked her, and she up and left. She was lucky to have a guy who liked her for who she was and who was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. Yeah, thanks for your comments... I just - I look around at the other girls/ladies/women and think, there is no way I could measure up to them. And you know, even really amazing women with "great relationships," so often the guy gets bored and cheats or leaves her for a younger/hotter/better model. And there will ALWAYS be someone younger/hotter/better. So I just prefer to stay out of it, not get into an exclusive relationship. That way no one can dump me when they want someone better. You might be right that he's just doing it as a rebound thing. He mentioned when we first got together about slutting around when he broke up with his last gf. As the recent ex, it makes me feel like NOTHING that he could just f~ck anyone now. (Especially as we'd been going out a year, and he never... um... you know... with me. Further proof that I'm disgusting.)
anni1979 Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Yes... and no... I ended it because he wanted to be exclusive, and I didn't. And part of the reason I don't want to be in an exclusive relationship with anyone is that I know I'm not pretty enough, hot enough, smart enough, nice enough, good enough, to keep someone's attention in an exclusive relationship. Oh sweetie. I sounds to me that this relationship isn't your problem - you need to appreciate yourself. I know because I'm the same way. From the start of my last relationship, I tried to make myself into someone that I thought my ex would actually be interested in, because I never believed that he could stay interested in me. Its crap - we're all unique and interesting in our own ways, and you need to figure that out about yourself. As for the cyber-stalking, I was also guilty of that (in pretty much the same ways as you, with a couple of extra things). After he dumped me I realized that I needed to take care of myself, and do things that made me happy. And obsessively checking on where he was, what he'd been doing, and who he was talking with online was making me feel AWFUL. So I made a deal with a friend, that I wouldn't check for the rest of that day - and I haven't done it since. It's been 3.5 weeks since he ended it, and close to 3 since I've done any stalking, and I feel amazing. Do it now.
Bluebird In My Heart Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 WhyYes, it's okay to feel like relationships aren't for you when you are hurting. I think loads of people say, "Never again!" You're so down on yourself right now, though. I think all this cyber-stalking is just making everything so much worse! Stop picking at that scab to see if it still bleeds.
Author WhyYesThankYou Posted April 14, 2009 Author Posted April 14, 2009 Hello Anni... Thank you. Yes, I've thought about the whole self-esteem thing, if I just need to realize what a "great catch" I am and grow some confidence. But - I'm not. I'm ugly (despite having had cosmetic surgery; I'm better, but not great). I have awful thighs from the weight gain and loss and gain and loss and ... I've dabbled (with some success) in a bunch of fields but am not a raving success in any career, you know? I don't cook well, and I'm not a great housekeeper, so I don't even have those "traditional girlie" things to offer a guy. (Apologies to everyone who believes in feminism, which I do, too. I'm just saying, a girl being able to cook well has never turned a guy off.) And he's hot and successful and all that... Why would he want to be with me? But your point about needing to call a halt to the e-stalking madness is a good one. I will try... I will try... I don't know why it's so hard to stop, or why I would make myself look at more and more of his online flirtations. (And these are just the ones I can SEE! I wonder what else goes on in his email, phone, home, real life........)
brokenglass Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 I just want to say that I know exactly what you mean. My situation is slightly different, but similar. Up until last Wednesday I was looking at my ex's MySpace & Facebook constantly. Multiple times a day. That was when she had told me that in the 3 weeks since shes officially moved her stuff out and its been over, shes slept with 3 different people. At that point I didn't feel the desire to look anymore, fearing I'd see a message from some random guy saying how much fun he had the previous evening or something of that sort. I desperately want to remove her off my profiles, but at the same time I don't. She doesn't seem to mind having me on there obviously, she can care less about what I'm doing and she could care less about what I think about what shes doing. You really need to learn to remove him off yourself, not feel bad about it and completely not think about it. I can't really stop from thinking about it unfortunately and sometimes it gets me really upset, but it gets easier. And when I say it gets easier, its not like you wake up one morning and go, ahhhhhh I don't want to do that anymore! Its more like, on a scale of 1-10, how bad do I want to look today? Well yesterday it was a 9.45, today its around a 9.42. It flucuates as well during the day, but thats just me. After all I am used to going through this girls emails, messages and everything else 24 hours a day monitoring to see if she was leaving me. And the strange result is, she didn't seem to want to then, and all of my snooping made her want to go. And now she is.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 He maintains an extensive online presence, and it doesn't help me at all to see him flirting online with a bunch of little attention whores. He seems to be using our breakup for pity, and it looks like it's working. He's got no shortage of chicks lined up to give him a "hug" or a "cuddle." One of them is posting comments about how much better she likes his bed in its new position compared to where it used to be. (Slut.) This all makes me sick, and I know the sensible thing to do is to STOP READING it... but I can't. Maybe the bed really dose look better there? sorry... Any ways who initiated the break up?
brokenglass Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Didn't see this a moment ago. And obsessively checking on where he was, what he'd been doing, and who he was talking with online was making me feel AWFUL. I can't say how much truth there is in this sentence. Every single time I look at her profile and I see a guy shes made "friends with" that I've never heard of in my life, heard shes been to parties, etc., it just makes me feel like the biggest pile of crap. Stop looking, delete him, block him, do something. I imagine if this keeps up I'll have to do the same thing but for right now, I'm trying to accept what I see, move on with my own life, and keep things civil for my son. Its very difficult, and its without a doubt the tough path, not the easy one, but I anticipate it will make me a better person to her, our son and myself in the long run.
Cora Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 I go through this same thing!! I deleted my ex from my MySpace page immediately after I found out he was still lying and cheating on me but for some reason I still view his and his fiance's page at least once daily. Both of their pages aren't private so I can see everything that goes on and every little sweet comment they send to one another Ughh!! I have no clue why I torture myself like this because it really doesn't help. He was online today too.....crap! Maybe eventually I'll gain enough self control to not have a desire to know every little thing he does.
GorillaTheater Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 He was telling me he does like me, did want to be exclusive with me, that I was "special" and "rare" and all that. But... I never believed him. I liked him, I liked him a lot. He's amazing. But I know I'd never keep his attention for long. And so he ended up getting really annoyed that I was seeing other guys (I was open about it), and he really wanted me to stop seeing them and just see him, which I wasn't prepared to do. So I ended it. I was feeling pretty sympathetic towards you until I hit this part. So tell me again where you get off lamenting the fact that he's chatting up other girls?
Author WhyYesThankYou Posted April 14, 2009 Author Posted April 14, 2009 I was feeling pretty sympathetic towards you until I hit this part. So tell me again where you get off lamenting the fact that he's chatting up other girls? GorrillaT- Yeah... I know where you're coming from, but that's really a subject for another thread. He knew I was seeing other people, and we tried to make things work but they didn't, so it ended. (Polyamory vs monogamy: It's not pretty.) This thread is really about compulsive, addictive, lab-rat-like continuous clicking to refresh someone's blog so you can torture themselves with the climbing number on their statcounter of people they've been with since you last viewed the page. The relationship itself, and the hypocrisy of why I'm upset about him being with other girls when it was my being with other guys that (in part) got me here, is something I'd love to discuss on here but it feels like it's too long and too complicated to talk (type) about. Plus I'm beating myself up for being so gross, because if I weren't gross, and thought someone might really want to be with me, then I'd probably be in a relationship with someone (or trying, anyway) and then I wouldn't be all broken up and e-stalking someone. It's a vicious cycle.
Author WhyYesThankYou Posted April 14, 2009 Author Posted April 14, 2009 but for some reason I still view his and his fiance's page at least once daily. ... I have no clue why I torture myself like this because it really doesn't help. Cora- It's so good to know I'm not the only one. I woke up this morning full of resolve - "I'm not going to look! I'm not going to look!" And I read BrokenGlass's reply and was like, "Yeah! I'm not gonna look!" Then I read your reply and started thinking about all the cutesy comments that MIGHT have been generated on his pages overnight - and then from Gorilla about how I'm basically a hypocrite - and I was like, "Oh, what the hell. May remind myself of the true extent of the disparity between my loneliness and his f**king the entire region. And remind myself that this misery is brought on by my own neuroses, shortcomings, and inability to form or maintain a lasting relationship." So I looked. And there was nothing new on his sites. Which is most unusual. Which means he was probably away from his computer, doing something or someone other than uploading the updates about all the "getting up in someone" he's been doing. AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!
EmperorR Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 What you don't know can't hurt you What you can't see can't hurt you I Learnt the hard way seeig my ex fiancé who wanted to be alone smooching with some herb on facebook. Now this time day I got dumped msn facebook, phone number blocked deleted , maybe she's out screwing a guy maybe she's at home thinking of me I don't know I'd rather not know that know
Peter_pan Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Yes... and no... I ended it because he wanted to be exclusive, and I didn't. And part of the reason I don't want to be in an exclusive relationship with anyone is that I know I'm not pretty enough, hot enough, smart enough, nice enough, good enough, to keep someone's attention in an exclusive relationship. He was telling me he does like me, did want to be exclusive with me, that I was "special" and "rare" and all that. But... I never believed him. I liked him, I liked him a lot. He's amazing. But I know I'd never keep his attention for long. And so he ended up getting really annoyed that I was seeing other guys (I was open about it), and he really wanted me to stop seeing them and just see him, which I wasn't prepared to do. So I ended it. And how he's banging every girl for miles around, apparently, and it just goes to prove that there was nothing special or rare about me if he can immediately move on not just to anyone, but to everyone. So, to answer your question: yes, I want him to come back. But what I really really want is to be attractive enough and smart enough and all-around-good enough that I'd believe that someone might really want to be with me and only me. he did see the good in you and you just didnt beleive in yourself, so from his point of view if i was in his shoes, i would say that you thought you were too good for me, rejected the exclusiveness he was after and didnt want to give up seeing other guys etc. i would say he has no love for these girls he is banging, but trying to get over you by doing so
Author WhyYesThankYou Posted April 14, 2009 Author Posted April 14, 2009 he did see the good in you and you just didnt beleive in yourself, so from his point of view if i was in his shoes, i would say that you thought you were too good for me, rejected the exclusiveness he was after and didnt want to give up seeing other guys etc. i would say he has no love for these girls he is banging, but trying to get over you by doing so Thanks, PP - (thinking) Yeah, that's kind of the thing he said, feeling rejected because I didn't want to be only with him. I'm not sure what you mean by my thinking I'm too good for him/you. All I ever said was that I wasn't good enough. Not good enough to keep him interested, happy, etc. How could that be interpreted as "I'm too good for you"? I also don't really get the whole banging-to-get-over-someone if you don't really like the other people. How does that work? If he liked me, and doesn't like them, then how does... make him feel any better? Am I crazy? He never had sex with me in a year of going out. A year, people! But he's hooking up with all these other girls. Doesn't that look like he a) didn't like me and b) likes them better? Or am I missing something?
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