Capslocked Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Where do I begin? I am 20 years old. I feel like garbage every day. I want to dissociate from everything even though I know I can't. I don't even know how I keep going sometimes. At the beginning of the school year my mom died from cancer. It hurts every single day in at least one way. I can't get over it. She died very young, in her mid 40s. I swear I can't get it out of my head giving her water through a syringe on her deathbed. I also feel like I'm the only one that cares. My dad has moved on and my brother and sister are completely emotionless. I'm not over it. I've stopped doing well in all of my classes. I went from being an A student to a C student. I can barely focus anymore on anything. I started working at Target two weeks after my moms death, and I hate every day of it, but I need money. I feel like a failure. Don't worry folks, that's not the only part of the story! Okay, so at work there was this girl I liked, and we started hanging out and texting each other all the time. Well, one day she just vanishes off the face of the earth without telling me. We worked together at Target. I don't know what happened to her. She's just gone, and we were still getting to know each other. That was this February. I started this relationship because I was starting to not like to be with my FWB-esque relationship with my best friend. So a week ago my best friend texts me that the doctors say she probably has leukemia. Oh yeah, and a couple weeks ago she told me she was married. Also, I'm almost done with school, I have a year left. My academic adviser told me I need to go and find work experience in research or at a company. I feel like I've learned nothing, and I don't even know if I want to be in my field of study anymore, let alone graduate early and start working. I guess the list I made sounds comical, but I don't see any way out of my hole that I've dug for myself. I feel like everything is in ruins, and I don't know what to do anymore or what matters. I'll try and be more coherent when I post next time. I just feel like hell.
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