Cora Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Today has just been another one of those bad days. The past few days I have been okay and then today my mind drifts back to him again. I know this is normal and that I will have many more days like this until I am able to completely get over him. It's been exactly 53 days since I have had contact with him. I sometimes wonder if it would have been easier if I could have heard him say hey it's over and I don't want anything to do with you anymore rather then just disappearing on me without a goodbye? This shouldn't be that difficult to get over right? I mean we were only together for eight months. Alot of people are together for years and years before there relationships fall apart for whatever reason. I guess I'm just still trying to comprehend how I could have loved him for eight months and believing that he loved me as well when seven of those months were spent seeing another woman that I never knew about. I believed for eight months that he truly loved and cared about me but he couldn't have if he could just leave me all of a sudden with no goodbye and choose her right? He must have made his choice long ago and just kept me around for his own selfish reasons I suppose. I don't understand what is so hard about telling someone you don't feel the same way any longer or never did feel the same way if that were the case. I begged him to always be honest with me. Why tell someone you love them when you really don't? I just still can't believe he is getting married now. It seems like only yesterday we were talking and laughing and discussing the future....OUR future. Now it's just his future....his and his new fiance's. What a joke it was when he used to tell me I was the one he wanted to marry someday, I was the one he wanted to start a family with and I was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Was this a big game to him? If it was I hope he had fun because he sure fooled me. He broke my heart and I hope he got out of it what he expected. The sad part is he was never going to tell me any different. I found out he was getting married through his fiance. You know I used to hate her until I actually talked to her. She knew about as much about me as I did about her. It wasn't her place but she apologized to me for the way he treated me. I will never get that apology from him. I apologized to her as well because I had no idea what was going on. We wished each other well and that was it. I'll never get my final say to him. Yeah, maybe it's for the best but it hurts. I realize now that OUR dream was only MY dream. He never shared it. That is what I'm trying to get over now. It hurts to know that he isn't in any pain over losing me because to him he never lost me, he will never miss me, never think about me and never wonder how I am doing while I still think about these things every single day. I would love to write him a letter and send it to him as kind of like a last goodbye. To get all of my feelings out and to let him know how much this affected me and that despite it all I WILL be okay without him. Just as closure for myself. Maybe I will write him a letter someday.....maybe when I'm not so bitter. Or maybe it isn't such a good idea....sigh. Jealousy shouldn't even be an issue after the way he has treated me so I don't know why the heck I still feel that twinge of jealousy? I don't know if I'm more jealous of the fact that she is the one who gets to be with him or if I'm more jealous of him because he is happy and living his dream? I know things will get better. Like I said today has just been tough.
Author Cora Posted April 15, 2009 Author Posted April 15, 2009 Today was okay. It was no worse or no better really, just okay. I still have the urge to write him a letter. Not that he would care, but I would be doing it for myself. Then I think it's just silly to even think about writing him so I don't. I keep thinking about how June is almost here which is the month we met. It's also the month of his birthday. I keep waiting for the day when none of this will even cross my mind anymore. I have days where I'm angry at him and then I have days where I just miss him and the person I thought I knew. I don't know what to feel really. I'm trying to get past him like he has gotten past me. It's harder than I imagined. Somedays it still hurts alot but most of the hurt is gone and now I'm just left feeling numb. I guess the shock is finally starting to wear off. I'm sad because he chose to give up our friendship as well. I would give anything to still at least be his friend and he knows that, but I guess he doesn't even want a friendship anymore. This hurts since we were such wonderful friends before. I hate that I trusted him. I don't know, I just feel really alone.
searcher Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Firstly I'm sorry your having such a hard time. Secondly you should absolutely write the letter. This can be very theraputic. I personally use writing things down as a way to release some of my emotions. It does't necessarily make anything better but you may gain a bit of relief. And you don't need to send it to him. Hold onto it and read it in a months time. It may even remind you that you have made progress from the day that you wrote it. You should be greatful he chose the OW. He was cheating on you and he was cheating on her. Seriously would you agree to marry someone who had been cheating on you? What kind of I relationship would you have had? I think you had a lucky escape. Be thankful you only wasted 8 months on him and he's not doing this to you 8 years and two kinds down the road. And why would you want to be his friend? He was disloyal, dishonest and a coward. He IS NOT worthy of your love or your friendship. Being his friend WILL NOT help you get over him. Sorry to be so blunt but you need to pick yourself up and move on. Do not let a man who is not worthly have such a hold on your heart. You deserve better. Go out and find it!
jessicasilver Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 i had a bad day today too and just like you i couldnt stop thinking about him and if he was happy and having the time of his life!
emotionalwreck Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 It must have been something in the air today. My day was horrible as well. I couldnt stop rethinking the breakup day. And it really drives me crazy that he isnt hurting in anyway but I am. It sucks.
Author Cora Posted April 15, 2009 Author Posted April 15, 2009 Searcher: Thank you for your response. I think I will write him that letter and just hold on to it for awhile. If I feel like sending it later then I might do that. If I do send it he may just end up deleting it without even reading it.....I don't know how he feels towards me. I mean it's obvious he doesn't care. But at least by writing the letter, it will have helped me regardless of whether I send it or not and regardless of whether he reads it or not. I know I need to forget about being his friend after the way he has treated me. We seemed to of had such a wonderful friendship in the past or maybe it was only an illusion on my part. Maybe the whole damn relationship was an illusion because I honestly don't know what to believe anymore. How do you know what to believe when apparently so much of the relationship was a lie? It was like he was living a double life....one of those lives was the one I knew and loved where I believed in my heart that he loved me too and we were happy.....the other life was one where he was this cruel, cowardly, liar who cheated on me with his now fiance. So I went from asking myself what made him fall out of love with me to did he ever really love me at all? The only real answer I can come up with is that he didn't and that answer hurts the most. jessicasilver and emotionalwreck: I'm sorry you guys had horrible days as well. It really does suck when you are hurting and thinking about them at the same time and how wonderful their lives must be at the moment. In my case he is busy planning a wedding with his fiance while I still cry knowing how much trust I put in him. I just re-read the letter his fiance wrote to me and it just brought back all the emotion again. Don't get me wrong, I know that I'm so much better without him and so very lucky I found out all of his lies before it went any further. I'm just still trying to figure out how the person I knew who was so kind and caring could be so cruel and callous. It's two completely different people. He had me fooled good! Oh well, I know I can't dwell on it. I guess it's just tough trying to get over someone you put so much faith into. I mean all of his true colors are just now coming out. I never knew this side of him until now and I'll never get to hear any last words from him, no goodbye....nothing. The last conversation we had was simply wonderful, ending with him saying how much he loved me and then never hearing from him again. Ughh why does this suck so much? Okay enough of my rant.....it just felt good to get out blah
sjml251 Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Cora, I was brought to tears by your story - how horrific! It's hard to believe some of the things that people do. I am so sorry that you are having to go through such a painful loss. Although you already know it - just to make sure - it is a good thing to be rid of this guy. Painful, yes - but better for you in the long run. This guy would've broken your heart up, down, and sideways and the longer you would've been with him, the more it would've hurt. At least you're not wasting more of your precious time investing your energy into having a life with this person who is capable of such cruelty. His fiance' is in trouble - you are the lucky one.....you get to move on with the possibility of finding a wonderful, true, and authentic partner - she's the one who might end up married to this lying, manipulative, confused, heartless jerk. Chin-up: many more good days are coming your way, hopefully the bad ones go by fast! Cora, jessicasilver, & emotionalwreck - I am totally feeling you this one. Although I'm posting this late Tues night (technically Wed) and the original post was on Monday - Monday was a horribly depressing day for me as well - definitely must have been something in the stars. My ex (it's only been a few months - we were together almost 8 years) bought plane tix for him and his new GF (he dumped me in Feb to be with her) to fly home to meet parents for a week in July.....I got the double whammy news today of the new girl meeting his parents along with the pre-planned trip that's almost 4 months out (they're that solid?!?!?!) - ugggghhhhh!!!!! Felt better today, thankfully, but still have to deal with him either this weekend or next to get the last of my things out of the house (he stayed, I moved). Good luck everyone and I hope future days are better for all of us
UCLAMike Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 do you realize what is really disturbing about this story? The other woman who knows about this two timer cheater, is still willing to marry him and even apologizes for his infidelity on his behalf. This guy and his marriage thing with the 2nd girl is a loaded train wreck. OP, honestly, count your blessings. See this as God rescuing you from disaster that could have permanently damaged your mind. Imagine what would have happened if you did get married to him and he showed his true nature after having kids and all. That's just flat out scary. You really dodged a bullet there.
Author Cora Posted April 15, 2009 Author Posted April 15, 2009 sjml251: I am so sorry you are going through this pain too! I read where you two were together for almost 8 years....wow! That must be so difficult. It really makes you wonder how they can move on so quickly like the relationship never even mattered. I wish I could move on that quickly. Well in my case he was seeing her almost the whole time he claimed to be in a relationship with me so he moved on long ago. So it wasn't hard for him to get over me at all. My heart goes out to you sjml251 and I hope the pain you are going through will end quickly as well! Hang in there! UCLAMike: Oh I do count my blessings each and every day that I am now rid of him and all of his lies. It would be more of a blessing if I could of avoided meeting him altogether but I am so thankful I found out now rather than later. You know I don't understand his fiance's decision to stay with him either after everything I told her. She wanted me to tell her everything about our relationship because she said she couldn't marry a liar and said if what I'm telling her is true then he has been lying to her face this entire time. I even showed her proof which apparently did not matter to her. I told her if she had anymore questions I would try my best to answer them for her. The last message I received from her was this: I just want you to know how sorry I am and what eric did to you was horrible and inexcusable and I told him that. I wish you well in the future and you seem like a very nice girl I am sure you will meet someone that appreciates you and really loves you! Take care, Diana That was a month ago and I just sent her a last reply thanking her. What gets me is the last part of her message where she says I am sure you will meet someone that appreciates you and really loves you. Does she not think she deserves the same? To me someone who lies to you does not appreciate or love you. I suppose he must have lied his way out of all his lies. Whatever the case, she has forgiven him and they are getting married. I gave her the proof she asked for and now my part is done. He fooled me really good and either now he has changed and really does love her or he is continuing to fool her. I pray that he has changed for her sake because she is a good person who does not deserve to put up with that kind of behavior. It makes me so sad because he used to say such horrible things about her and what a terrible person she was. She is nothing like he says which only makes me wonder what horrible things he told her about me. Thank you guys so much....this forum has really helped me!
sjml251 Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 UCLAMike - Good call, that other women is screwed on this one. Cora - I just think it's crazy when she said she couldn't marry a liar, found out what a liar he is, and then still wants to marry him; that makes no sense. It's such a dichotomy of emotions because I feel much empathy for your loss but almost relief because such a sociopathic person has been weeded from your life......just keep breathing through the pain - you'll make it to the other side.
Author Cora Posted April 16, 2009 Author Posted April 16, 2009 sjml251: Thank you so much. I am learning little by little each and every day that this is a man I want to stay far far away from! I can't explain why his fiance would still want to marry him after he has lied to her repeatedly, cheated, and talked about how horrible she is and how unhappy he was with her. I know she told me she has had some horrible experiences in the past with men and she thought she finally got it right this time. Also she said her father has invested so much money already in their wedding that he isn't able to get back. I just feel badly for her. I know I have self esteem issues and always felt I could not do or deserve any better. Maybe she feels the same. I do know when I was telling her this she was hurting tremendously as was I because we were both in shock at the extent of all his lies. We were both in tears! I'm okay, and I know eventually I will be better than okay. I'm hoping at least. I would be lying if I said that twinge of jealousy doesn't still hit me from time to time but I'm trying to get over that because seriously what is there to be jealous of? A relationship filled with lies, worries and insecurities maybe? A relationship with a cheating coward who does not know what love is? I do not want to be in that kind of relationship where I'm always having to look over my shoulder, always second guessing what he tells me, and always wondering if he really is where he says he is and not out with some other woman. When I was with him it was exhausting to be quite honest and I was FULL of insecurities. I always thought it was me and my overactive imagination but I did have something to worry about.....something very big to worry about. In some ways it was a relief for the relationship to end....a sad relief but a relief nonetheless. Now I'm just trying to pick up all the pieces and move on without him.
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