Author conehead Posted April 14, 2009 Author Posted April 14, 2009 I don't understand whats the difference though, you've already had sex before you were married in the first place. You were curious and i guess you had a bad experience because if you didn't you wouldn't be thinking differently. And there is nothing to regret either, if you tell your BF now about this which he will obviously say he will be ok with it and then the relationship starts to slide as the weeks keep passing then you are going to regret this even more if you two leave each other. Then whats going to happen is your beliefs will probably change back again because of guilt and repeatedly questioning yourself, and you will end up not caring about having sex before your married again which brings you back to square one but without the man you care about right now, then meet another guy who won't be "as into" and have sex with him. Honestly I might be politically incorrect about this, but this is a good chacne of what might happen. So why even put up the drama in the first place. It's your call but at least you can see it in a different perspective. I know exactly what you mean. I'm scared I will regret it. It's just hard. lol. You are right up until the point where you say that if we breakup I'd end up having sex again. Because right now, I sometimes wonder if I should just let him go and find someone else that Id do things right from the very beginning (ie not engaging in any sex activities at all to begin with). I'm pretty sure I won't do that though. I see two options right now which are to 1) keep things the way they are but continue to feel worse about myself until I start to resent him or 2) tell him I want to stop and then he will start to resent me. Either options sucks. lol
Sephirothh Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Maybe this is an issue with yourself then and not him, its not his fault and honestly HE IS DOING NOTHING WRONG, if you move onto to someone else do you think its going to be easy to find another guy to bring home to your parents. So I would stay with him for the pure fact that it's not his fault and maybe you should think over on why you hate doing sexual activities in the first place, maybe your not having enough fun with it. Take charge try different things switch it up a little. and ask yourself what is it that urks you so much about sexual activities. secondly is your making the number 1 mistake that all girls/guys make in a relationship in terms of breaking up when it isn't neccessary to break up...that is lack of communication.. Why start over from the beginning with someone else who could be a total DUD when you can start over with someone you already care about.
Author conehead Posted April 14, 2009 Author Posted April 14, 2009 Maybe this is an issue with yourself then and not him, its not his fault and honestly HE IS DOING NOTHING WRONG, if you move onto to someone else do you think its going to be easy to find another guy to bring home to your parents. So I would stay with him for the pure fact that it's not his fault and maybe you should think over on why you hate doing sexual activities in the first place, maybe your not having enough fun with it. Take charge try different things switch it up a little. and ask yourself what is it that urks you so much about sexual activities. secondly is your making the number 1 mistake that all girls/guys make in a relationship in terms of breaking up when it isn't neccessary to break up...that is lack of communication.. Why start over from the beginning with someone else who could be a total DUD when you can start over with someone you already care about. No like I said that is not something I'd do. That is just something I told you to let you know that if for some reason things don't work out with my current bf I won't just go off and have sex with someone else. That's not how I work. Ofcourse I won't break up with him over this. Please look where I talked about the 2 options I see for myself right now in my post above.
Sephirothh Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Ok option 1 and here is my option which is number 3 also well tell him then get it off your chest before it drives you insane the sooner the better BUT also do this You need something big to get the ball rolling in the right direction again.....go on a vacation somewhere plan it, make something BIG happen do something nice between the 2 of you, get something positive going. maybe you should plan it if your going to give him the news at least SHOW HIM THAT you care about him on a emotional level to counter act the loss of sexual activities. Then at least he won't start questioning things you gotta make it comfortable for him, and if you do something nice it will calm him from thinking the normal negative thoughts that will go through his head.
Mahatma Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 OK folks here is how the guilt is solved. Your guilt arises not from the sex itself, but the lying you do by portraying yourself as something you are NOT. That is why you feel guilty. Me and my girlfriend had sex, but a week or so later, she was still wearing her "true love waits" ring (basically a ring that claims abstinence until marriage). I told her she needed to tell her parents and take off the ring. I did this because she was living a lie to everyone at her church and to her parents. She told her parents, took off the ring, and experienced no guilt. Stop lying to your family and stop trying to be something you do not even want to be and your guilt will vanish.
BCCA Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 From a guys perspective, this is something that you should have told him long ago. I'm actually surprised that he's ok with dry humping after 4 months, I would find that incredibly annoying. I agree with Mahatma, the guilt you feel is from lying, not from the act. You feel guilty because youre not being truthful to yourself, or your parents. There is no way to spin this so that he's going to be more likely to stay. Truth be told, to me at least, asking him to wait on having sex until your married when youve had sex with other people just wouldnt cut it. It would be like your job asking you to continue working there even if they stop paying you. We as men put up with chick flicks, talks about feelings, and going places we dont want to mostly because of sex. Thats one of our greatest benefits to being in a relationship, steady action at home. And now its like youre going to put him in a lose-lose situation; either look like a dirtbag that just wants to get laid, or stay in a sexless relationship indefinitely.
Lovelybird Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 One side you want to feel good about yourself, true to yourself or your value; another side you are afraid to offend your bf. you cannot take both. In relationship there would be many self disclosure, some are really scary, risking that another one maybe won't accept that side of yours, but relationship is about honesty and integrity. If another accept that real side of yours, your relationship jump into furthur intimacy, if not, well, that is not meant to be My advice is that be true to yourself, also is true to him. try the best explain to him your value or deep thoughts, see if he can accept, if he does, then he is a keeper. If you try to pretending everything is ok when it is not, that won't do him any good either in a long term sense. What the society think, or what the popular to do isn't important here
Athena Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 I didn't read all the replies, so forgive me if I repeat anyone's else's advice, but if I were you, I would go tell my parents that I am serious with this b/f but I have had sex before, and I intend on having sex with this b/f too... they will get over it.... and you will not feel guilty. Once you speak the truth, the guilt will go. Once your parents know the truth, it will no longer be possible to hold you to a virginal standard.. so its better for your own sanity in the long run. Ordinarily I wouldn't think you have to tell your parents anything about your sex life which you don't want to tell them, but since you are feeling so very guilty and its affecting your relationship with them (you cannot look them in the eyes) and now its endangering your relationship with your boyfriend, you really need to talk to them. I understand you feel terrible. I too was a virgin up to getting with my H (at the time my boyfriend)... my mother thought he was a friend, not a boyfriend... I wasn't supposed to be dating (at age 21)... but, when I fell pregnant, I told my mom -- she was shocked, yes, but after that there was no more pretense. I urge you for your own conscience to let your parents know just the basics -- no need to admit to everything... just that you are not a virgin since two years ago, you love this man now, and you intend on having a sexual relationship in due course. Do not mess up your relationship with your (possibly future husband) because you feel you need to protect your image to your parents, or your parents feelings... truth is the best course... it will release you of false expectations and hiding, it will allow you to be natural and normal. Think about it.
Author conehead Posted April 15, 2009 Author Posted April 15, 2009 I didn't read all the replies, so forgive me if I repeat anyone's else's advice, but if I were you, I would go tell my parents that I am serious with this b/f but I have had sex before, and I intend on having sex with this b/f too... they will get over it.... and you will not feel guilty. Once you speak the truth, the guilt will go. Once your parents know the truth, it will no longer be possible to hold you to a virginal standard.. so its better for your own sanity in the long run. Ordinarily I wouldn't think you have to tell your parents anything about your sex life which you don't want to tell them, but since you are feeling so very guilty and its affecting your relationship with them (you cannot look them in the eyes) and now its endangering your relationship with your boyfriend, you really need to talk to them. I understand you feel terrible. I too was a virgin up to getting with my H (at the time my boyfriend)... my mother thought he was a friend, not a boyfriend... I wasn't supposed to be dating (at age 21)... but, when I fell pregnant, I told my mom -- she was shocked, yes, but after that there was no more pretense. I urge you for your own conscience to let your parents know just the basics -- no need to admit to everything... just that you are not a virgin since two years ago, you love this man now, and you intend on having a sexual relationship in due course. Do not mess up your relationship with your (possibly future husband) because you feel you need to protect your image to your parents, or your parents feelings... truth is the best course... it will release you of false expectations and hiding, it will allow you to be natural and normal. Think about it. That's the thing, its not just my parents. Its me. You can say that my parents have influenced me and yes they have, but they've influenced me to develop what my own beliefs are now. That is why people say parents are the greatest role models...because it's true that I am always a part of how I grew up as a child. Even if my parents never find out, I don't like it for myself.
Athena Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 That's the thing, its not just my parents. Its me. You can say that my parents have influenced me and yes they have, but they've influenced me to develop what my own beliefs are now. That is why people say parents are the greatest role models...because it's true that I am always a part of how I grew up as a child. Even if my parents never find out, I don't like it for myself. You do realize, don't you, that you can never go back to being a Virgin, no matter if you wait to have sex with your current boyfriend until your wedding day? So? Why do it? You might need to explore your feelings with a sex therapist? Seems a little strange that you did it before with TWO men, and now want to backtrack... what purpose will it serve? It's not like you are sleeping around with many men... you have a real heart connection here with this very special guy! Sex is going to be an important part of your relationship... how long can the two of you go with no sex before marriage? One year? Two years? And then?? What happens if you are very disappointed and let down then? All the hype and buildup to nothing? Since you are not a virgin, why 'act' as one? Get over it already... of course do not sleep around with every Tom, Dick or Harry, but if this guy is really special to you and you see the possibility of a future with him, then why not go ahead and so something which is completely natural?
Athena Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Okay, so why not tell your parents the truth anyway? That you did sleep with two men before but now you intend to stay pure until marriage... lets see what THEY think? Will you tell them?
Lovelybird Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Have you ever heard of lost women in "love"? well, in your society there are many of them, when they fall in love with a man, they fall into misery, in order to please their men, they simply lost themselves, even being treated disrespectfully they don't even notice it and think its normal
Sephirothh Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 hey lovelybird you sure that isn't the curse of "nice guys" syndrome your speaking of?
Lovelybird Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 probably it is All I am saying is that one has to focus on long term sense rather than instant sexual satisfaction
Enema Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 That's the thing, its not just my parents. Its me. You can say that my parents have influenced me and yes they have, but they've influenced me to develop what my own beliefs are now. That is why people say parents are the greatest role models...because it's true that I am always a part of how I grew up as a child. Even if my parents never find out, I don't like it for myself. Everyone here obviously thinks your relationship problems now are because of the damage your parents did by giving you this belief. Why don't you tell us in your own words why you think sex before marriage is a bad thing. K - go.
somedude81 Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 conehead, Why not get some counseling and try to figure out why you are feeling guilty about having sex?
OverThinker Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Hi Overthinker, ok thanks for telling me to not wait till in bed! Honestly, I only ask because I am clueless. This is what I have in mind. Wait until we are sitting down somewhere, preferably in private but not when we're engaging in kissing or whatever. Then tell him, 'Hey hun, I want to tell you something. I know from the start we've been doing more than just kissing and cuddling, but for the past few months I've been starting to feel really bad inside for doing these things. It feels wrong for me, and I feel guilty about it because I've come to feel that sexual activities should only be done within marriage. I feel bad because we've already started doing this stuff, and now I'm asking for us to stop, but I wouldn't be asking you if I really don't feel so bad about it. Is it ok if we just stick to kissing and cuddling? I really care about you and I hope you're ok with it.' Will that work? Ok heres the thing, since my last post everything I read from everyone else has one simple truth and that is just it "The TRUTH". Just be honest with your b/f, your Parents, and your self. When you have the Talk with your b/f make sure you tell him why you want to wait (If you dont he will think it is him). Everything has a source and your desire to wait must be comming from somewhere, as stated before you have had sex so the desire to be a virgin and only have been with your husband is no longer a valid argument. All I am trying to say is you need to openly discuss this with the ones you love, if they love you they will understand and who knows you may find that after getting all this off your chest it is not the sex that you have a problem with but the lie that goes along with it. Be open to your feelings and let things flow naturally, He'll either understand or he wont but if he is a nice guy what ever happens he will look higher upon you for being honest with him and not stringing him along until it ends with a fight. Good luck:cool:
loveslife Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 That's the thing, its not just my parents. Its me. You can say that my parents have influenced me and yes they have, but they've influenced me to develop what my own beliefs are now. That is why people say parents are the greatest role models...because it's true that I am always a part of how I grew up as a child. Even if my parents never find out, I don't like it for myself. You shouldn't live your life based on what people at Loveshack tell you to do! I think you already know what you want to do. The problem seems to be you're worried about losing your bf if you tell him you want to wait. I'm much older than you but can say that even though I'm not a virgin I don't want to rush into sex with anyone. This has turned some guys off but I don't care. Yeah, it can hurt at the time, but I've never regretted not sleeping with someone. I read somewhere that when Connie Selleca and John Tesh were dating they decided to wait until marriage to have sex. Both were divorced with kids so there's no way to believe they were virgins. They just felt they wanted it to be special and a part of their commitment. It's something you have to decide for yourself. And it's okay. Sex is not like a little door prize that guys get for buying you dinner. Today's society is too instant this and instant that. I hear on this board all the time that a guy isn't going to wait to have sex, that he isn't going to waste his time because it's part of dating. Welllll...........still, you gotta do what you gotta do. Remember that. (And you don't have to tell your parents you're not a virgin. It's none of their business.)
Author conehead Posted April 15, 2009 Author Posted April 15, 2009 You shouldn't live your life based on what people at Loveshack tell you to do! I think you already know what you want to do. The problem seems to be you're worried about losing your bf if you tell him you want to wait. I'm much older than you but can say that even though I'm not a virgin I don't want to rush into sex with anyone. This has turned some guys off but I don't care. Yeah, it can hurt at the time, but I've never regretted not sleeping with someone. I read somewhere that when Connie Selleca and John Tesh were dating they decided to wait until marriage to have sex. Both were divorced with kids so there's no way to believe they were virgins. They just felt they wanted it to be special and a part of their commitment. It's something you have to decide for yourself. And it's okay. Sex is not like a little door prize that guys get for buying you dinner. Today's society is too instant this and instant that. I hear on this board all the time that a guy isn't going to wait to have sex, that he isn't going to waste his time because it's part of dating. Welllll...........still, you gotta do what you gotta do. Remember that. (And you don't have to tell your parents you're not a virgin. It's none of their business.) Hi loveslife, I think so far you are the one who has any understanding at all of how I feel. I don't think that premarital sex is wrong in general, it just feels wrong for ME. Just because I've already had sex in the past, it doesn't mean that it's too late to stop now. And really, I can't exactly quite put my finger on why I don't want it before marriage...I think it's a combination of how I grew up, of past experiences with relationships, and how I want my current relationship to be. I think the best way for me to pinpoint it, is to say that it feels as if sex acts are taking away the sweetness of the relationship between me and my bf. Sex definitely puts a whole new spin on a relationship, and I prefer a relationship where the main focus through connection with my bf is through kissing, cuddling, interacting and through connection emotionally. And me and my bf do all this things, but the sex is the only thing I feel bad about.
loveslife Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Hi loveslife, I think so far you are the one who has any understanding at all of how I feel. I don't think that premarital sex is wrong in general, it just feels wrong for ME. Just because I've already had sex in the past, it doesn't mean that it's too late to stop now. And really, I can't exactly quite put my finger on why I don't want it before marriage...I think it's a combination of how I grew up, of past experiences with relationships, and how I want my current relationship to be. I think the best way for me to pinpoint it, is to say that it feels as if sex acts are taking away the sweetness of the relationship between me and my bf. Sex definitely puts a whole new spin on a relationship, and I prefer a relationship where the main focus through connection with my bf is through kissing, cuddling, interacting and through connection emotionally. And me and my bf do all this things, but the sex is the only thing I feel bad about. I really do understand how you feel! But no matter who understands and who does not understand, you GOTTA do what works for you! I soooo like the sweet stuff, too. And I have rushed into sex too soon in the past and always regretted it. It sounds to me like you're saying you want a relationship, you want love and affection, but you don't want sex until later. And it doesn't matter if you've had sex before. Just please do what feels right to you. What you said above is so open and honest and I have a feeling if some other women were honest about it they'd admit to feeling the same thing. It can take a lot of time to really know someone and to feel comfortable. Give yourself whatever time you need!!
moman Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 I really do understand how you feel! But no matter who understands and who does not understand, you GOTTA do what works for you! I soooo like the sweet stuff, too. And I have rushed into sex too soon in the past and always regretted it. It sounds to me like you're saying you want a relationship, you want love and affection, but you don't want sex until later. And it doesn't matter if you've had sex before. Just please do what feels right to you. What you said above is so open and honest and I have a feeling if some other women were honest about it they'd admit to feeling the same thing. It can take a lot of time to really know someone and to feel comfortable. Give yourself whatever time you need!! Agreed. Conehead - Any guy worth a darn is going to respect your thoughts. <BUT> The BF will probably have questions, especially knowing of your history. You need to answer them honestly. I will be very surprised if this ends up well, but I'm eagerly awaiting to find out.
MeMyself&I Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Hi Conehead, It may not be for everyone, even for me, but there are many women out there.....maybe even men, that were brought up not to have sex before marriage but gave in at some point in their life and did, do to pressure or life-circumstances at the time. My sister had been previously married and had boyfriends she had slept with. Her reasons for having premarital sex were different than yours but as she got older she regretted her past and when she met the guy she is now married to decided to wait to have sex until they were married....and they did. It's a decision many women have made (often it's based on their religious views but not always). It's been termed born-again virgins. It will seem silly to some people......but it's what you want to do. Even I, born in a strict christian household being told premarital sex is wrong, do not have the wish to abstain from sex totally. That does not make me bad or promiscuous..........because I am far from that. So either decision you make, to abstain or move forward, is your choice and what you feel comfortable with.
BCCA Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 I think what you really need to understand, and what I kind of feel youre looking for, is that there is no guarantee your bf wont split or be upset when you tell him no sex until the wedding. He may very well respect your decision and understand where youre coming from, but the chances of him being 'ok' with it and wanting to stick around just arent good. Like I said before, a big reason men stay with one woman is for a constant place for sex. Now, its not everything, but trust me, its a HUGE part of the relationship to us. Now, you should ALWAYS do whats good for you, but the problem with the freedom to do so is that it comes at a price. That price is that other people may very well not like it, and chose to distance themselves because of it. Thats the trade off, and it might suck in the short term, but in the long term, its the way to go. So, just be honest with everyone, but accept that your declaration about sex might be met with frustrations.
Author conehead Posted April 16, 2009 Author Posted April 16, 2009 I think what you really need to understand, and what I kind of feel youre looking for, is that there is no guarantee your bf wont split or be upset when you tell him no sex until the wedding. He may very well respect your decision and understand where youre coming from, but the chances of him being 'ok' with it and wanting to stick around just arent good. Like I said before, a big reason men stay with one woman is for a constant place for sex. Now, its not everything, but trust me, its a HUGE part of the relationship to us. Now, you should ALWAYS do whats good for you, but the problem with the freedom to do so is that it comes at a price. That price is that other people may very well not like it, and chose to distance themselves because of it. Thats the trade off, and it might suck in the short term, but in the long term, its the way to go. So, just be honest with everyone, but accept that your declaration about sex might be met with frustrations. I agree with your statement in bold. Honestly, I'm getting really nervous and Friday approaches and I see him
BCCA Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 I agree with your statement in bold. Honestly, I'm getting really nervous and Friday approaches and I see him Never fear truth, and never fear answers to your questions. You'll get both sooner or later, so why waste time? Either its meant to be and he accepts what you say, or its not and hes not the man youre looking for.
Recommended Posts