conehead Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 I've known my bf for 10 months (on and off for 6 months due to long distance issues and officially bf/gf for the past 4 months). We've basically done dry sex (no actual intercourse, no oral sex) and he comes from it quite easily. This physical intimacy started when we became official and we never had sex because at the time I told him I wanted to wait before sex, but we did other sexual things. He didn't question why I wanted to wait and he said it doesnt change anything. He was very understanding at the time. I'm not a virgin. I've had sex with 2 bfs from the past. However, this bf is the first I've introduced to my parents. I grew up with my parents telling me that premarital sex is wrong. So when my parents met my bf, they asked if we've had sex and I said no. They told me that I shouln't engage in sexual acts of any sort until marriage. Over time, I begin to feel really guilty about engaging in sex acts with my bf. I have trouble looking into my parent's eyes and I feel very ashamed esp since I now live with since dating my current bf. It's complicated things now that my parents are in the mix. Me and my bf are both in our lates 20s and I know that it's the 20th century and I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. I regret having engaged in sex acts with my bf in the first place because now I just want to limit it to only making out and cuddling, without the orgasm and getting naked. I know its really bad to stop now that we've started....but Im feel worse everyday from the guilt and I don't think I can continue on like this. What should I do? How do I tell my bf and will this doom our relationship? Aside from this, or relationship has been very very good.
BobSacamento Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Did your parents not have sex before marriage?
D-Lish Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 I think that pulling back at this point would be confusing and unfair to him. It's your choice- but there is a possibility that he may want to bail on the relationship.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Well it seems that we know what your parents think you should do... Now what do you think? What is right for you? You are in your late 20's...you should have a mind of your own by now, and you have a right to live your life as you see fit. Do you seriously want to abstain from sex or do you feel pressured to do so? Your parents probably want you to wait until marriage because they don't want you to be hurt. They don't want you to be used by a guy for sex when you want more from him. Do you feel like your bf just wants sex from you or do you feel like he loves and cares for you, and wants to have sex with you as an expression of his love? If your intuition is telling you that he is sexually attracted to you but may not want to deepen your relationship, then by all means go with your gut and quit having sex. If you want a deeper RL and he doesn't, then sex with him will not be satisfying for you. But if he does really care for you, and he wants to commit to you and see if you two are really meant for each other, then it is time to formulate your own opinions about premarital sex.
MN randomguy Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 You've gotta decide what your priorities and beliefs are. No matter what you decide you believe there will be consequences. Are you abstaining to please your parents? Is it a belief that you own? Why is this your value? In your late 20s you must understand that the BF may leave you over this. You may have written asking for an easy answer. I don't think there is one. If you do decide to have sex and your parents ask. Tell them the truth. Tell them why you made the decision and stand by it. If you don't have sex. Tell the BF what boundaries you want very specifically and do not lead him on.
Enema Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Does he know you're not a virgin? Telling him no when you gave it up multiple times in the past to other men is going to be interesting. I would say goodbye. It is the 21st century as you mention, I wouldn't want to stay involved with a grown woman that's so easily manipulated by her parents opinions.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Really, you are an adult, in your late 20's. Your parents shouldn't be asking about your sex life anyway. None of their business!
Author conehead Posted April 14, 2009 Author Posted April 14, 2009 Thanks everyone for all your replies thus far. Yes, my parents did wait until marriage before they had sex. I had sex for the first time only 2 years ago with my first bf...I'm a late bloomer and I think I did it because of the need to please my bf at the time. I regret not waiting. I've always felt at least some guilt/shame over it because I'm not yet married. My current bf is a great guy, and we are very serious. I'm not pulling back because I feel he is not serious, in fact, quite the contrary. He is very genuine, which is why I'm nervous to tell him. And thing is, I don't know how to tell him...
Author conehead Posted April 14, 2009 Author Posted April 14, 2009 Does he know you're not a virgin? Telling him no when you gave it up multiple times in the past to other men is going to be interesting. I would say goodbye. It is the 21st century as you mention, I wouldn't want to stay involved with a grown woman that's so easily manipulated by her parents opinions. Yes, he knows I've been with 2 others all the way. I think it's a good fact that you brought up a guy wouldn't like a woman who's influenced so much by her parents. I think if I tell him, I shouldn't mention my parents, but rather just speak from my OWN values and beliefs?? Gosh, I truly would hate to sound all prudish and all, but I guess I've become one of em prudish girls lol.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 If you have a strong relationship, then you should be able to tell him, and to tell him why it is important to you. If he really cares for you he will respect that. He may be disappointed, and you shouldn't hold that against him. He has needs too. But truly, please do some introspection here and figure out what YOU truly want. Not what your parents want, not what you "should" want, but what is right for you. If not having sex now is what is right for you, then stand your ground. If you feel that you are making that decision based on what others think is right for you, then examine that.
Enema Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Yes, he knows I've been with 2 others all the way. I think it's a good fact that you brought up a guy wouldn't like a woman who's influenced so much by her parents. I think if I tell him, I shouldn't mention my parents, but rather just speak from my OWN values and beliefs?? Gosh, I truly would hate to sound all prudish and all, but I guess I've become one of em prudish girls lol. I think he has a right to know your parents are the main source of this. You didn't come here asking for the best way to trick him into staying with you. Be honest - it's the least you can do after wasting so much of his time already imo.
MN randomguy Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 I think I did it because of the need to please my bf at the time. I regret not waiting. Gosh, I truly would hate to sound all prudish and all, but I guess I've become one of em prudish girls lol. Why is it so bad to sound prudish? If living you life to please others causes you to do things you regret later maybe it would be of value for you to do what you believe to be right regardless of how others feel about it.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 I think the main point here is that Conehead needs to figure out what is right FOR HER. She is worried about what her parents will think...(bad girl! Sex before marriage!) she is worried about what the LS'ers will think...(Prude! What's wrong with you? Just do it already!) and what she really needs to do, as I've stated previously, is to decide what is best for her and to act on it. That may or may not give her the result she wants. What she may want is to tell her bf that she just wants to cuddle, and he is perfectly happy with that. Well, maybe he will be. Or maybe he won't. And he wouldn't be a bad guy for that. And if he isn't? Well, she stays true to her values. Sticking to your principles has consequences. Who are you willing to offend/turn off by staying true to yourself? Scary, isn't it? To say what you believe and follow that? Someone's bound to be unhappy. That is the risk you take.
moman Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Yes, he knows I've been with 2 others all the way. I think it's a good fact that you brought up a guy wouldn't like a woman who's influenced so much by her parents. I think if I tell him, I shouldn't mention my parents, but rather just speak from my OWN values and beliefs?? Gosh, I truly would hate to sound all prudish and all, but I guess I've become one of em prudish girls lol. This guy you're dating is a good man to not walk out on you IMMEDIATELY when you told him what you've told us. I would have been incredibly insulted. And how do you know your parents aren't lying? I know my parents lied to me about the same thing. Maybe you should tell your parents you already gave it up to a couple *******s and now you're withholding from a guy who treats you well.
LovieDove24 Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Thanks everyone for all your replies thus far. Yes, my parents did wait until marriage before they had sex. I had sex for the first time only 2 years ago with my first bf...I'm a late bloomer and I think I did it because of the need to please my bf at the time. I regret not waiting. I've always felt at least some guilt/shame over it because I'm not yet married. My current bf is a great guy, and we are very serious. I'm not pulling back because I feel he is not serious, in fact, quite the contrary. He is very genuine, which is why I'm nervous to tell him. And thing is, I don't know how to tell him... Again, you're not telling us how YOU feel about premarital sex aside from guilt. Until you form YOUR OWN opinion on it, boundaries are going to be broken as you've already stated happened with two previous boyfriends. And its now happening again with your current boyfriend. If you don't want to have sex before marriage, don't. But know WHY you're doing it and it will be much easier to follow. And no it can't be because of parental guilt...that one won't stand in the heat of the moment when you're ready and rearing to go. It has to be for YOU.
Author conehead Posted April 14, 2009 Author Posted April 14, 2009 Even if my parents never asked/questioned...I'd feel this way. So yes, I AM doing this for myself. When I engage in sex acts with my bf, I feel pleasure, but at the same time I feel dirty/ashamed. And I don't like feeling that way about myself. Thing is, how do I communicate this to my bf so that he'd have a higher chance to understand and stay with me? I fear that he might initially understand, but then over time start to resent me. What is the best way to handle this?
moman Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Even if my parents never asked/questioned...I'd feel this way. So yes, I AM doing this for myself. When I engage in sex acts with my bf, I feel pleasure, but at the same time I feel dirty/ashamed. And I don't like feeling that way about myself. Thing is, how do I communicate this to my bf so that he'd have a higher chance to understand and stay with me? I fear that he might initially understand, but then over time start to resent me. What is the best way to handle this? I don't see any way for that to happen. It sounds almost like you're punishing him for being a good person to you. He gets to meet the family, he gets everything but sex, whereas if he was a jackazz to you he wouldn't have to deal with the emotional drama but get sex. See what I'm saying? IF, and only if he is open to the idea of waiting because he truly loves you, then just tell him what you said here. Don't be surprised if he bails though.
plrs199 Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Even if my parents never asked/questioned...I'd feel this way. So yes, I AM doing this for myself. When I engage in sex acts with my bf, I feel pleasure, but at the same time I feel dirty/ashamed. And I don't like feeling that way about myself. You have no way of knowing if you would feel the same way if your parents had never put this idea in your head. The most likely reason that you feel dirty/ashamed is because you have grown up being told that sex before marriage is wrong. When you feel dirty/ashamed the next time just ask yourself, why? You are having sex with someone that you love and that loves you back and getting pleasure from it. So what makes that at all dirty or shameful?
smile23 Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Hi conehead! I'm so happy that you started this thread because I'm actually in the same exact situation! I am currently 19 years old and have been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years. I told him within the first month of our relationship that I wanted to wait until marriage to have sex because, as in your situation, that's how I was raised by my parents (like yours, my parents never had premarital sex either). Although we have stuck to the no sex, we have done other sexual things (it's actually the same exact description that you gave). However, ever since January I started feeling extremely guilty, and it began to overwhelm me. I began to realize that if my parents ever knew we were doing sexual activities they would be very disappointed in me. I told my boyfriend that I want to stick to cuddling and making out, etc. for a little while because of these extreme feeling of guilt. Although he didn't quite understand as to why I suddenly made this decision, he loves me and wants what is best for me, so he has agreed that we can try not to engage in these activities anymore. Since then it has been about 3 months, and I don't think that it has affected our relationship whatsoever. We still hold hands, cuddle, kiss, etc., but without the sexual activities, and to be honest with you, I've been feeling so much better about myself. I understand that people have replied saying that it would be unfair to your boyfriend to do this, but I certainly think that you need to think of yourself first, and what you want in this relationship. If your boyfriend loves you, he will respect your decision and want to be with you anyways. I'm sorry for such a long post, but I wanted to let you know that I know exactly how you feel! I hope this helped, and that everything works out for the two of you
Author conehead Posted April 14, 2009 Author Posted April 14, 2009 Hi conehead! I'm so happy that you started this thread because I'm actually in the same exact situation! I am currently 19 years old and have been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years. I told him within the first month of our relationship that I wanted to wait until marriage to have sex because, as in your situation, that's how I was raised by my parents (like yours, my parents never had premarital sex either). Although we have stuck to the no sex, we have done other sexual things (it's actually the same exact description that you gave). However, ever since January I started feeling extremely guilty, and it began to overwhelm me. I began to realize that if my parents ever knew we were doing sexual activities they would be very disappointed in me. I told my boyfriend that I want to stick to cuddling and making out, etc. for a little while because of these extreme feeling of guilt. Although he didn't quite understand as to why I suddenly made this decision, he loves me and wants what is best for me, so he has agreed that we can try not to engage in these activities anymore. Since then it has been about 3 months, and I don't think that it has affected our relationship whatsoever. We still hold hands, cuddle, kiss, etc., but without the sexual activities, and to be honest with you, I've been feeling so much better about myself. I understand that people have replied saying that it would be unfair to your boyfriend to do this, but I certainly think that you need to think of yourself first, and what you want in this relationship. If your boyfriend loves you, he will respect your decision and want to be with you anyways. I'm sorry for such a long post, but I wanted to let you know that I know exactly how you feel! I hope this helped, and that everything works out for the two of you Hi Smile, thanks for your story! I'm much older than you and you've also dated your bf much longer than I have mine, but I'm glad to hear you stood up for your own feelings and beliefs. How exactly did you tell your bf about wanting to stop the sexual activities? I'm going to see my bf this Friday, and I'm nervous, because I think I will tell him, but not sure how to go about it. Should it be when we're in bed? How do I start? lol
OverThinker Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 From a guy who would understand. The last thing you should do is wait untill your in bed. In my opinion what you need to do is sit down with him and tell him straight out how you feel about him and that your past sexual experiences(other guy ones) were mistakes and you felt presured and caved in. Tell him that you want to wait for marrage and you allways have (if that is true). If he truly cares for you he will understand and if he doesn't then he's not the one for you. Not all guys view sex as a must have in a relationship( I am sure I am speacking for a select few of us), But since you are talking about removing everything includeing the playing around don't be suprised if he becomes a little withdrawn while he thinks it over. You have to realize that you have gone down one path and lead him to believe it will lead to full blown sex, and now putting the brakes on and changing directions will be a little bumpy. I hope this helps and if you choose to ignore all of it please from the heart don't wait tell your in bed. Even an understanding guy will think your playing games if you do it then. Good Luck
Author conehead Posted April 14, 2009 Author Posted April 14, 2009 From a guy who would understand. The last thing you should do is wait untill your in bed. In my opinion what you need to do is sit down with him and tell him straight out how you feel about him and that your past sexual experiences(other guy ones) were mistakes and you felt presured and caved in. Tell him that you want to wait for marrage and you allways have (if that is true). If he truly cares for you he will understand and if he doesn't then he's not the one for you. Not all guys view sex as a must have in a relationship( I am sure I am speacking for a select few of us), But since you are talking about removing everything includeing the playing around don't be suprised if he becomes a little withdrawn while he thinks it over. You have to realize that you have gone down one path and lead him to believe it will lead to full blown sex, and now putting the brakes on and changing directions will be a little bumpy. I hope this helps and if you choose to ignore all of it please from the heart don't wait tell your in bed. Even an understanding guy will think your playing games if you do it then. Good Luck Hi Overthinker, ok thanks for telling me to not wait till in bed! Honestly, I only ask because I am clueless. This is what I have in mind. Wait until we are sitting down somewhere, preferably in private but not when we're engaging in kissing or whatever. Then tell him, 'Hey hun, I want to tell you something. I know from the start we've been doing more than just kissing and cuddling, but for the past few months I've been starting to feel really bad inside for doing these things. It feels wrong for me, and I feel guilty about it because I've come to feel that sexual activities should only be done within marriage. I feel bad because we've already started doing this stuff, and now I'm asking for us to stop, but I wouldn't be asking you if I really don't feel so bad about it. Is it ok if we just stick to kissing and cuddling? I really care about you and I hope you're ok with it.' Will that work?
Sephirothh Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Ok first off your just contradicting your own beliefs, you've had sex with 2 other BF's in the past so why won't you have it with this one? This guy is probably more closer and important to you then the other two since you've introduced him to your parents. Your so worried about your parents finding out, then why weren't you worried about the other 2 that you were with, let it slide just like you did with the others, or if you really love him and he loves you he will obviously not care. But in the same time he will have to go through not having sex until marriage, which puts him in a rough spot. It's alot harder for us guys then girls to stay clear of sex when in a relationship. Can you cope with this, can you go through knowing that he can't have sex with the one he loves until marriage. What if you two break up? then he will basically have given all that up for nothing. This is not only about what you want, but what he wants as well. And if he is cool with this after you 2 talk about it you better give him props for it, and not just over look it as "oh well he is supposed to not care he loves me" it's a little deeper then that and maybe you should put urself in his shoes.
Author conehead Posted April 14, 2009 Author Posted April 14, 2009 While I've always felt some guilt with previous bfs, it's really only recently within the past 6 months have I felt this strongly. Perhaps with age, my beliefs/values have changed as well. I have different views now than before. Before, I had sex with my first bf because I was so curious about sex, and I wonder how it felt since everyone was having it it seems. I was younger then and I regret it. But now, I really want to save sex just for marriage.
Sephirothh Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 I don't understand whats the difference though, you've already had sex before you were married in the first place. You were curious and i guess you had a bad experience because if you didn't you wouldn't be thinking differently. And there is nothing to regret either, if you tell your BF now about this which he will obviously say he will be ok with it and then the relationship starts to slide as the weeks keep passing then you are going to regret this even more if you two leave each other. Then whats going to happen is your beliefs will probably change back again because of guilt and repeatedly questioning yourself, and you will end up not caring about having sex before your married again which brings you back to square one but without the man you care about right now, then meet another guy who won't be "as into" and have sex with him. Honestly I might be politically incorrect about this, but this is a good chacne of what might happen. So why even put up the drama in the first place. It's your call but at least you can see it in a different perspective.
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