CarrieT Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Quick re-cap: We broke up last July and had a bit of contact because of business until November. We finally established NC, but I still had access to his business eMail and was admitted to reading what he was doing. I finally broke myself of that habit in early February and was really proud of myself. Then I heard from mutual friends that in early March, he entered alcoholic rehab and I was struggling with it as he was in my dreams every bloody night. Despite that, I stayed away from reading his email and was mentally wishing him the best. But HE called today. Apparently part of his post-rehab therapy to atone for his past, so he calls me. We talked for two hours and I am the one who is crying and hurt while he seems to be dealing with things better. Being sober, I had delusions that I would finally get some answers out of him as to why he did certain things (invite complete strangers to sleep in bed with me, abandon me for four months to go on an extended sailing trip, stopped having sex with me for 18 months...). He has gotten to the point of saying he can't apologize for them anymore. I didn't want an apology as much as an understanding WHY they happened. Well, why they happened is still my fault, it seems. Although there is the language of, "well, the failure of our relationship was both our fault," I can't shake the feeling that he still blames me for our demise. I asked him specifically about why he stopped having sex with me and his explanation was that he didn't like how I was handling our finances and that he was just going to watch me to see if I would catch on that what I was doing was wrong! Instead of approaching me (back then) with what made him unhappy in our relationship, it was a watching game for him. Apparently I was supposed to have the mental telepathy ability to realize I was doing something wrong as our relationship deteriorated. Money will do that, I guess (we were making $1m a year -- a first for me to not be impoverished and while I admit that I was enjoying living better than I ever had, he was equally culpable throwing money away on booze and parties). It is all a moot point now. We are both poor and struggling, missing the lifestyle we had just a year ago. But I miss the man I fell in love with (before we made the money). And I have been generally unsuccessful in even having the ability to date. I had a few dates last September and October and nothing since. So part of my sadness now is loneliness. But I didn't need him to scrape open my scabs and make me bleed again...
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