My crappy 30th bday

[jwi71]

Because I did think I was going crazy. I have had a hard life, and this is not the first time I have been in IC.

 

I understand...I just read your post in another thread and you do have my sympathy (for that). Lets try and break the cycle shall we...and not model more bad behavior for your little girl? Such as...being utterly dependent on others...or staying in bad R's...or doing nothing but wallow in "bad" times...teach her positive things- like how to extract oneslef as well as possible from the bad times.

 

No I am not surprised. What I am surprised at is how much I doubt myself. I never used to do that.

 

Then you have to explain your post if not here to "us" then to yourself.

Why so upset at getting a present of diamond earrings? Why so upset your bf acted as we would expect? Answer to yourself if no one else but an answer here would go a long way...you'll have to trust this anonymous internet poster guy on that one

I have had several job interviews. I have a place to stay.

 

Good.

I just need to get through the break-up. He just won't let go. Perhaps I am not helping that situation. Because every time he gets sad, I comfort him

 

Not good. You do no one any favors. Stop being WEAK. You mentioned above about doubting yourself but it sounds more like weakness and fear which drives anger (which is really a symptom of pain). And the opposite of weak is NOT anger...

I am moving to the spare bedroom. I don't want to lead him on, if that is what is happening.

 

Of course it is. You have explicitly said so previously that you would lead him on. And THAT infuriated just about everyone. I hope you can step back from that precipice and re-evaluate. You have a child who absorbs everything you DO and SAY. Keep that in mind.

 

And if you NEED out then do so. Get a job, move out and be happy. And try and accommodate your little girl seeing daddy. Just because YOU hate him doesn't mean SHE does. And the courts frown on that sort of thing...HE CAN SUE for visitation - so lets not go there and offer what the courts will demand.

 

That, to me, is leaving honorably.

 

Oh...and happy birthday.

[lostsoulmate]

Why so upset at getting a present of diamond earrings?

 

I don't really wear earrings, and I had asked specifically for the vac.

 

Why so upset your bf acted as we would expect?

 

When he said he would try, I thought maybe he would. But when I told him it hurt my feelings that he left on my birthday to go racing, he said, "****, I knew it. I knew you would get mad." To which I replied, "If you knew I was going to be upset, why did you go?" He said, "Cause I wanted to."

 

Not good. You do no one any favors. Stop being WEAK. You mentioned above about doubting yourself but it sounds more like weakness and fear which drives anger (which is really a symptom of pain). And the opposite of weak is NOT anger...

 

Yeah, I need to find where I hide my big hairy gonads.

 

 

Of course it is. You have explicitly said so previously that you would lead him on. And THAT infuriated just about everyone. I hope you can step back from that precipice and re-evaluate. You have a child who absorbs everything you DO and SAY. Keep that in mind.

 

And if you NEED out then do so. Get a job, move out and be happy. And try and accommodate your little girl seeing daddy. Just because YOU hate him doesn't mean SHE does. And the courts frown on that sort of thing...HE CAN SUE for visitation - so lets not go there and offer what the courts will demand.

 

That, to me, is leaving honorably.

 

Oh...and happy birthday.

 

I don't NEED out. I WANT out. IMO you only NEED things to survive not to live happy.

[RecordProducer]

Honestly, and this is simply based on a number of your posts in several threads, it isn't doing you ANY good. Many of your posts drip with anger and venom and unhappiness...

Counseling is not a ticket to happiness, like you buy a sandwich and you're not hungry anymore. Precisely because she is unhappy and angry, she needs counseling. The counseling is for her to open up and find the source of her anger, which happens very slowly. It's not a band aid or a quick fix.

 

Happiness comes from within...

Not when you live with someone who makes you miserable. She said she had to erase her identity in order to fit in this man's life. He won't acknowledge her needs no matter what. He buys her earrings that she doesn't need AFTER she announced she'd dump him. How about focusing on HIS ears and listening to her instead? It's not about the b/day present; she is angry at him by default at this point.

Either accept it or leave.

Either accept it or leave? What happened to working on a relationship? People are always advised to work on a relationship except when they do - then they're criticized for wasting energy on something that will never change.

 

Problem is you REFUSE to do either...have YOU taken ANY steps to moving away? Have YOU taken ANY steps to make YOUR life better? Or do you just sit their and let all this negativity consume you...

She IS making steps. And again, the double standards: if she had the nerve to just up and leave, she'd be scolded for making impulsive decisions. Since she is contemplating her next move, she is accused for doing nothing. Thinking is not doing nothing. Thinking is making sure you don't do anything that you will regret later.

[RecordProducer]

Stop being WEAK. You mentioned above about doubting yourself but it sounds more like weakness and fear which drives anger (which is really a symptom of pain). And the opposite of weak is NOT anger...

This is a very good thought and it helps me get more insight into my own situation. It's not easy to not be weak, though. For as long as you're weak, you're angry (as you suggested) and when you're angry, you're possibly capable of making irrational decisions.

 

It's so easy to be wise from outside. My MIL used to tell me "You only talk and do nothing!" Mind you, I was married for less than two years at the time, and I was guilty of desperately trying to save my marriage (her son's third marriage at age 50!). On top of that, I was madly in love with him and all alone in this country, without employment, with two kids on my back. She told me "Yes, you can work part-time, go to school, and take care of the kids." Really?!

 

Well, she stayed married to her husband (whom she didn't love) for 17 years and fought with him every single day. She not only didn't jump into the ocean, but she also had a third child with her husband three years before she divorced him. Finally, I asked her "Why didn't YOU leave your husband immediately, why wait 17 years?" You know what she told me? The situation was such, I couldn't, we lived in our former country... I said "But you lived in the US for the past seven years of your marriage; why didn't you leave then?" She said "I wanted to finish my master's degree and get a full-time job and purchase a house first, then leave." Wow! So she couldn't go to school, work part-time and take care of her kids, but I should. I told her that she didn't care about me and she got very offended. We're good friends (always been), but she still doesn't understand why I said that.

 

Anyway, my husband dumped me and I don't have to make any decisions... But it took me a long time to contrive a solution and to envision myself on my own. Now I have everything planned, and it's still scary. Every single day I think about my future. I also deal with the pain from the past and think about what I could've done differently. I think about making myself a better person. I think of the uncertainty, my fears, my dreams. The worst part is dealing with the present; I have to be a cheerful mother for my children and put on a happy face no matter how much I feel like crying. They went through one divorce with their father and now another (my H loves them to bits).

 

Lostsoulmate, you have to find strength in your heart to be strong for your daughter. I had many nights when I would play and laugh with my kids, cuddle with them in bed, just to grab the booze and drown in tears as soon as they fall asleep. Your child needs you. And she needs her father, too. Don't fool yourself that you will be happy on your own. Perhaps less angry and miserable, but true happiness is not going to appear magically when you move out. I can't tell you to stay with your BF because of your daughter, but I am telling you that you need to think of your daughter in terms of sacrifice that you WANT to make.

 

I don't know how old you are (you sound young), but a huge part of happiness is contained in sacrifice for our beloved ones, especially children. I moved into to a very expensive apartment that I can barely afford because I don't want my kids to feel depressed living in a crappy apartment. I moved 5 min away from my husband's house so they can be close to him and continue to go to the same school, because the school is great and they need a father. I will be traveling an hour every day to school and driving the kids back and forth, but it's worth it because they are more important than I am. The reason why I am telling you this is because you can easily make compromises if you put your daughter as your number-one priority.

 

BTW, your guy sounds much like mine. Cold and insensitive.

[Chrome Barracuda]

There is alot of blame but not one time has she accepted that she is the maker of her own happiness and seems to blame him for anything. she has not taken responsibility of her own actions. she has not told him of the ONS, she has not made inroads to make her relationship better, she has only thoughts of thinking for herself.

 

...I think that's what alot of people are mad about on here. We can see your plainly selfish and yet you dont want to change. You are resistant to change and you only want things on your terms no matter the cost.

 

But hey it's your choice!

[jwi71]

Counseling is not a ticket to happiness, like you buy a sandwich and you're not hungry anymore. Precisely because she is unhappy and angry, she needs counseling. The counseling is for her to open up and find the source of her anger, which happens very slowly. It's not a band aid or a quick fix.

 

I disagree. IC CAN be a ticket to happiness - and it is very much like eating a sandwich to satiate ones hunger. True, it is NOT an overnight or quick fix...but it IS the QUICKEST route to understanding oneself and hopefully being happy. BUT, one has to go becuase he/she is ready to heal...and that often means looking in some dark places within our souls.

 

Not when you live with someone who makes you miserable. She said she had to erase her identity in order to fit in this man's life. He won't acknowledge her needs no matter what. He buys her earrings that she doesn't need AFTER she announced she'd dump him. How about focusing on HIS ears and listening to her instead? It's not about the b/day present; she is angry at him by default at this point.

Yet she is whining about diamond earrings. I have been following her story and my advice has NOT changed since her original thread...get out. And instead of working on that, she is whining that her bf is behaving the way he always has and bought her diamnod earrings to boot! Like I asked her...how does that sound? Step back and think about it...its like a patulant child NOT getting her way. Yes, I know its not the case but that's how she came across.

 

There is a right way of doing things and a wrong way of doing things...I hope lostsoulmate steps back, pauses and chooses the right way to end this R especially since there is a child involved.

 

Either accept it or leave? What happened to working on a relationship? People are always advised to work on a relationship except when they do - then they're criticized for wasting energy on something that will never change.

Oh recordplayer come on. Has she given any shred of evidence she is willing to work on this? No. She wants out. And thats fine - but there are right and wrong ways of dumping someone...I hope she chooses the right way (which would start with...returning the vacuum cleaner and telling him why). But she can't do that because she is stringing him along...or has that changed lostsoulmate?

 

She IS making steps. And again, the double standards: if she had the nerve to just up and leave, she'd be scolded for making impulsive decisions. Since she is contemplating her next move, she is accused for doing nothing. Thinking is not doing nothing. Thinking is making sure you don't do anything that you will regret later.

RP, she has already stated she will string him along until she has enough money then take her daughter and move far away. Please be so kind as to fact check yourself before making general statements and applying them to speficic situations.

[jwi71]

It's so easy to be wise from outside. My MIL used to tell me "You only talk and do nothing!" Mind you, I was married for less than two years at the time, and I was guilty of desperately trying to save my marriage (her son's third marriage at age 50!). On top of that, I was madly in love with him and all alone in this country, without employment, with two kids on my back. She told me "Yes, you can work part-time, go to school, and take care of the kids." Really?!

 

I wouldn't have understood this had I not been in a similar situation. IT is always easier to give advice than to follow it. Whats even worse...I find it hard to even follow MY advice! HA! But follow I have...and its hard.

Anyway, my husband dumped me and I don't have to make any decisions...

 

Yes you do. You know that isn't true RP. Hell, I am dumping my cheating W and I face decisions every day concerning this....

 

But it took me a long time to contrive a solution and to envision myself on my own. Now I have everything planned, and it's still scary. Every single day I think about my future. I also deal with the pain from the past and think about what I could've done differently. I think about making myself a better person. I think of the uncertainty, my fears, my dreams. The worst part is dealing with the present; I have to be a cheerful mother for my children and put on a happy face no matter how much I feel like crying. They went through one divorce with their father and now another (my H loves them to bits).

 

Right there with you RP. I know this all too well. And, like you, I focus on the one thing I can...making ME better. Sucks in reality because it can ONLY begin with the acceptance of one's failures, faults and deficiencies. And who LIKES to face that? Oddly, I used to hate and cast derision upon IC...now I look forward to it. I get it. Still sucks but I understand what and why I must I do it...

[RecordProducer]

There is alot of blame but not one time has she accepted that she is the maker of her own happiness and seems to blame him for anything. she has not taken responsibility of her own actions.

Huh?! He stated that she fullfills ALL his needs. he doesn't want to let go of her. She must have done something right (according to him, everything) if he is completely satisfied with her as a partner. She, on the other hand siad many times that he wouldn't listen to her, that he expects her to live her life for him, and he keeps discarding her feelings. Even the counselor, after hearing both sides, told him to get over himself.

 

The ONS didn't affect their relationship whatsoever. As immoral of her as it was to cheat, the ONS was a consequence of her fiance's lack of compassion and warmth. If she says he's not a good partner then he's not. She knows him well; not anyone of us knows him at all. How can you say that she needs to change in order to be happy? And how exactly is she going to bring about that change within herself? The only thing she can do is take actions to change the circumstances. And this is exactly what she is trying to do.

 

You're all telling a perfect stranger who's in a very unstable emotional state at the moment 'you suck and you're miserable cuz you suck!' You've apparently picked her BF's side and now you're advising HER? No, you're criticizing her. What good would it possibly bring to anyone if she tells him about the ONS? He'll get mad, she'll pack her bags and her child and leave. Maybe there's still a chance for their relationship to work if he realizes that he is not the only one who's important in the relationship.

 

Let's not forget that this angel of a guy left her alone on her b/day ("cause he wanted to"!) and told her previously that if she's leaving, she should take the kid with her, cuz he doesn't want to be a single dad.

[RecordProducer]

Oh recordplayer come on. Has she given any shred of evidence she is willing to work on this? No. She wants out.

Frankly, I think she's full of sh*t about wanting out. She is trying to talk herself into wanting out. If she wanted to be out, she would've left by now. She wouldn't be posting here. I think she is trying to make him see that he will lose her if he doesn't change. At the same time, she doesn't believe that he can change. She loves him and she is hurt.

 

She just comes here to express one nuance of her feelings: anger. She feels like posting only when she's angry, which is understandable (she's tryingto release the anger). And when she's angry, she is determined to leave. Her determination is just one angry cloud that she brings to this forum to pour the rain out. I don't see how you guys don't get it, but between the lines, I see a lonely woman who is in love with a man who is emotionally cripled. If she doesn't want to work on the relationship, why would she drag him to counseling? Nobody posts here repeatedly about someone they don't love. Nobody.

 

RP, she has already stated she will string him along until she has enough money then take her daughter and move far away.

I know what she said. Again, she's full of it. She's trying to convince herself that she will stay because of THAT - and not because she loves him. Been there, done that kinda thinking. It's bull.

 

Yes you do. You know that isn't true RP. Hell, I am dumping my cheating W and I face decisions every day concerning this....

But you're the dumperrrrrr, I am the dumpeeeeee - huge diff, buddy!

Sorry you were cheated on, that must suck.

[lostsoulmate]

RecordProducer,

 

You are right. I come here only when I am hurt or angry. To vent.

Maybe I have been trying to talk myself into wanting out, but that person is who I am.

That person is who I lost.

I never self-doubted before this relationship.

I never said I was perfect.

 

The person I became to make this relationship work for as long as it did is not me. I wasn't weak, doubtful, or an unhappy person until now when I realized how much I had changed, adapted, lost to try and make this man happy.

 

I did want our relationship to work. At one point I truly did.

Now, everyday I look in the mirror and rehearse how I am going to tell him it is over and I am moving without him. Resentment is awful.

 

Everyday I remember our tragic history.

Even in these six years our history is full of emotional tragedy.

I wanted him to be there for me in that way, on an emotional level.

He wasn't so now I have shut down.

Shielded myself from everything but anger and pain.

I have become so toxic, to myself and everyone around me, that my only option now is to dig deep down inside myself and find the person I used to be and use her strengths to make the changes necessary in my daughter's life and mine to find happiness.

 

That person that I used to be survived worse tragedies than a broken engagement and a break-up.

[RecordProducer]

I could've written your last post myself about my own marriage. I guess that's why I feel you because I can completely identify with you.

 

Do you guys fight? Have you tried to be yourself without trying to make him happy? Can you elaborate a little on what exactly he does that makes you feel angry? How do you react when he lets you down?

[lostsoulmate]

I could've written your last post myself about my own marriage. I guess that's why I feel you because I can completely identify with you.

 

Do you guys fight? Have you tried to be yourself without trying to make him happy? Can you elaborate a little on what exactly he does that makes you feel angry? How do you react when he lets you down?

 

We fight every other day, and it is about stupid crap. It ends up that either he or I didn't like the look the other gave or the way they other said something. Stupid crap.

 

Since the beginning of Jan, when I just blurted out - I AM NOT HAPPY. I WANT TO MOVE HOME. - I have tried to do the things I used to enjoy. Reading (a lot), listening to music (I was a broadcaster for 15 years on the radio), taking drives (that now includes my lovely little daughter), and watching what I want on the damn TV. (He told the therapist he hates it when I read. I told him at least I am still at the house when I am reading).

 

Just one example of how he makes me angry: When we talk about something he thinks is "mans" work or "mans" territory, like cars (I love cars, engines, I love it. I wanted to be a mechanic before I went to college) he will cut me off and finish the statement about whatever for me. Disrespectful. Or he will cut me off and totally change the subject.

 

Up until a few months ago, I usually let things like what I said above go until the big knock down drag out we would have every six months. And during those big fights I would tell him I didn't like being treated that way. I don't like it when he would try to make me feel 2 feet tall or disregard my viewpoint because I was the "woman". But because I realized how much I resent him for doing things like that through out this whole relationship, now I get LIVID every time.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

LSM, the situations you wrote about in post #67 seem quite petty to me. I don't know what he's done over the last six years beyond abandoning you from April through October (which sucks, I agree, and is something that should be negotiated IF you two stay together), but you have the opportunity to fix those two situations if you were willing to.

 

He hates it when you read. Did he say why? Could it really be that he hates it when you ignore him, he hates being a 'reading widow'? Did you ask him what he hates about it, or did you just retort, "Well at least I'm at home!" Is that the kind of response you would want to a legitimate complaint? Sure, if he hates it that you read because he doesn't, or he thinks it's stupid, or some other lame excuse, then that's his problem to work out. But if it's from feeling ignored, well, that would be legitimate, wouldn't it? I'm sure you would want a complaint like that addressed and not dismissed, right? So why not address it? "I apologize for choosing to read instead of paying attention to you. I'd like to find a way to do both, if possible. When does my reading bother you the most? I could avoid reading at that time, and fit it in later at a time that's not as important to you." You could work that out with effort. Ask him if he'll need you for the next hour, because you want to read. If he says no, read. If he says yes, ask him what he needs from you, do it, then take your hour of reading.

 

You're probably thinking, omg, that's like kissing his butt! No, it's like being kind and considerate to your partner. New concept, but you should give it a try. If it doesn't fix things with the father of your daughter, then at least you'll be better prepared for the next relationship. Asking for what you want, and giving of what your partner needs.

 

Cars. Hm. It sounds important to him to be the 'man'. Why won't you allow him that? If you know that he has a subject where he wants to be the expert, why try to castrate him out of it? Let him have it. Go show off your knowledge elsewhere, out of his company. If he's cutting you off in front of others, a nice, "I would like it if you wouldn't interrupt me," and then finishing what you were going to say should suffice. You appear calm and confident, he is a little embarrased about being called on his behavior, and enough times of that and he'll respect you for it. And he'll stop.

 

There's a beauty and graciousness to women who command respect, and it's mostly from them being able to give it as well.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Huh?! He stated that she fullfills ALL his needs. he doesn't want to let go of her. She must have done something right (according to him, everything) if he is completely satisfied with her as a partner. She, on the other hand siad many times that he wouldn't listen to her, that he expects her to live her life for him, and he keeps discarding her feelings. Even the counselor, after hearing both sides, told him to get over himself.

 

The ONS didn't affect their relationship whatsoever. As immoral of her as it was to cheat, the ONS was a consequence of her fiance's lack of compassion and warmth. If she says he's not a good partner then he's not. She knows him well; not anyone of us knows him at all. How can you say that she needs to change in order to be happy? And how exactly is she going to bring about that change within herself? The only thing she can do is take actions to change the circumstances. And this is exactly what she is trying to do.

 

You're all telling a perfect stranger who's in a very unstable emotional state at the moment 'you suck and you're miserable cuz you suck!' You've apparently picked her BF's side and now you're advising HER? No, you're criticizing her. What good would it possibly bring to anyone if she tells him about the ONS? He'll get mad, she'll pack her bags and her child and leave. Maybe there's still a chance for their relationship to work if he realizes that he is not the only one who's important in the relationship.

 

Let's not forget that this angel of a guy left her alone on her b/day ("cause he wanted to"!) and told her previously that if she's leaving, she should take the kid with her, cuz he doesn't want to be a single dad.

 

She cheated because he wasnt warm to her??????

 

Really? So if your husband cheated , came home and gave you HIV and all he said was I cheated because you wasnt warm to me, you would be okay with that????? WTF???

 

Really? I must have not have been so warm to my ex when she cheated on me? I must have done something wrong to make my ex cheat huh???

 

So women cheat because their boyfriends arent nice to them? is that what your saying???

 

So that makes things right??

 

Unbelievable!!!

 

And what is up with this fragile emotional state nonsense. She knew what she was doing when she did it??? Y'all women get too much leeway when y'all fly off the handle and make decisions based soley on your feelings.

 

Every human makes a choice. I'm not critizing it's called tough love if y'all not gonna hear it then y'all coast through life not hearing from a perspective that's sorely needed.

[lostsoulmate]

LSM, the situations you wrote about in post #67 seem quite petty to me. I don't know what he's done over the last six years beyond abandoning you from April through October (which sucks, I agree, and is something that should be negotiated IF you two stay together), but you have the opportunity to fix those two situations if you were willing to.

 

I have never said he couldn't do what he wanted. I have expressed that I would like to have him home more often. He response is that he has always gone racing this much. If fact, his line is "I have always raced this much. Why do you care how much racing I do?"

He is missing the whole point. I don't want him to give up what he loves, I just want him to balance his priorities out more. Would you like to feel like you are third in your relationship?

I don't get to do anything I used to do before we met.

 

He hates it when you read. Did he say why? Could it really be that he hates it when you ignore him, he hates being a 'reading widow'? Did you ask him what he hates about it, or did you just retort, "Well at least I'm at home!" Is that the kind of response you would want to a legitimate complaint? Sure, if he hates it that you read because he doesn't, or he thinks it's stupid, or some other lame excuse, then that's his problem to work out. But if it's from feeling ignored, well, that would be legitimate, wouldn't it? I'm sure you would want a complaint like that addressed and not dismissed, right? So why not address it? "I apologize for choosing to read instead of paying attention to you. I'd like to find a way to do both, if possible. When does my reading bother you the most? I could avoid reading at that time, and fit it in later at a time that's not as important to you." You could work that out with effort. Ask him if he'll need you for the next hour, because you want to read. If he says no, read. If he says yes, ask him what he needs from you, do it, then take your hour of reading.

 

After years of addressing the needs that have not been met on my behalf, without any comprising, why would I want to give more?

 

You're probably thinking, omg, that's like kissing his butt! No, it's like being kind and considerate to your partner. New concept, but you should give it a try. If it doesn't fix things with the father of your daughter, then at least you'll be better prepared for the next relationship. Asking for what you want, and giving of what your partner needs.

 

This is not a new concept to me. Only in the last 4 months have I decided to do what I want and not give a crap about if he likes it or not. You write here like I haven't tried to do everything and anything in my power to get him to understand that I want him to give to me for a change.

 

Cars. Hm. It sounds important to him to be the 'man'. Why won't you allow him that? If you know that he has a subject where he wants to be the expert, why try to castrate him out of it? Let him have it. Go show off your knowledge elsewhere, out of his company. If he's cutting you off in front of others, a nice, "I would like it if you wouldn't interrupt me," and then finishing what you were going to say should suffice. You appear calm and confident, he is a little embarrased about being called on his behavior, and enough times of that and he'll respect you for it. And he'll stop.

 

I love cars too! Why can't he not be intimidated by me? Why can't he involve me?

I have told him I don't like to be interrupted. He just laughs. I am the "woman" remember.

 

There's a beauty and graciousness to women who command respect, and it's mostly from them being able to give it as well.

 

I used to respect him. He doesn't respect me. If fact, he often is very condescending to me in front of our daughter.

Example: We are putting our four year old to bed. She asks why she can't stay up later. I tell her it's bedtime, plus you got to go to papaws for two hours tonight (this is where my SO, who is standing behind me says, Darby we were only there for 1.5 hours, not two) and then my daughter wants to agrue about going to bed. She says, "see mommy we were only there 1.5 hours, please can I stay up?"

My daughter see him disrespect me over 1/2 hour? This is not working on a team, this is I am the MAN you are the "woman" crap!!!!!