My crappy 30th bday

[anne1707]

It's not that you should expect nothing. But really what are you giving him. Do you really love him? Respect him? Want to be with him?

 

Can you answer yes to all those questions and really mean that? If you can then start working on you relationship - even if you have not told him about your cheating, you will have distanced yourself from him. If you can't answer yes then leave - but do it with dignity and respect the fact that you BOTH have a child.

[Woggle]

You can't just treat a man however you want and then expect him to bend over backwards for you. Some men will do that but your man seems to have more respect for himself which is a good thing. If he bought you the vac I bet you would still be complaining anyway.

[Lucky_One]

Am I missing something basic here?

 

You were at one point planning on marrying this man. You have a child with him. He has family close to where you live. he has friends where you live.

 

So why can't you spend time with his family or with his friends, or why don't you make friends of your own? Isn't that what marriage entails - his family becomes yours, and vice versa?

 

And sorry - yes. At the end of the day, you are being more than petty about the earrings. Go out and buy the damn vaccum yourself.

[Ginger79]

You sound really unhappy. I'm not saying you should do it but do you think a controlled separation would work?

[DayDreamer75]

I had read and followed your story... now with this post, something dawned on me. I came to a conclusion that you might have an issue with expecting too much of people...

 

You can't make your relationship work if you have unrealistic expectations of people. And I think you do. I am not blaiming you, trust me, I've been through this. I've had unrealistic expectations for my relationship in the past and trust me, nobody will be able to make you happy if your expectations are so high.

 

Lost, I told you in the past and will repeat now, I think you need to work on yourself. Who's unhappy here is yourself. If you don't get the gift you want, you're unhappy. If you don't do what you want, you're unhappy. You know, a lot of women are upset if they get electronics / appliances as gifts and would be happy to get diamond studs . When I imagine myself being in your boyfriends shoes, I would probably gift you the diamonds as well based on my past experiences .

 

I think he thought that you were telling him to get you an appliance because it was something useful, not because it was truly a gift for you. Maybe, he wanted to give you something MORE personal, such as earrings. And I cannot blaim him.

 

Have you ever thought that simply accepting and being thankful for what people give you would make you happier and would make people around you happier? It seems to me that you're always upset no matter what he does for you. He tried his best, he wanted to take you out for your birthday, he wanted to take you to the movies. As for him going to the race track, could it be that you were nagging him all the way through the dinner and he just could not take it any more?

 

Based on what you're writing on here, I could imagine you nagging on him constantly because he just never does right things and he just never behaves the way you want him to behave. Have you ever thought that your nagging could be distancing him from you and his family.

 

Nothing works miracles more than being sincerely appreciative and thankful for everything others, including our partners, do for us... show him that you appreciate him. And miracles will happen

[RecordProducer]

I really wanted the vac, got diamond earrings instead.

Wow! I'll buy your guy if you ever decide to sell him!

 

A vaccum cleaner is not a b'day present, you silly. Imagine when his friends ask him what he bought for his wife for her b'day and he says "I bought her a vacuum cleaner... No, no, no, believe me, she wanted it, I swear!"

 

I can't believe I am saying I am mad about getting diamond earrings

I can't believe either. So how did you react when you saw them?

 

We are in counseling. Apparently on my end things are not getting any better.

I think you're not mad about the earings; you're disappointed in your ex-fiance-current-BF and projecting your feelings on the poor earings. Leaving you alone for your b'day was totally uncool.

 

P.S. Don't let strangers persuade you that you must tell him that you cheated. It has to be your decision. When you close this thread, it's still your life.

[lostsoulmate]

I had read and followed your story... now with this post, something dawned on me. I came to a conclusion that you might have an issue with expecting too much of people...

 

You can't make your relationship work if you have unrealistic expectations of people. And I think you do. I am not blaiming you, trust me, I've been through this. I've had unrealistic expectations for my relationship in the past and trust me, nobody will be able to make you happy if your expectations are so high.

 

My expectations are too high? I never thought my being happy was too much to ask?

 

I wanted the man who I thought I would marry to put his child and myself above his hobby.

I wanted the man who I thought I would marry to live his life with me, not let me watch him live his life from the sidelines.

I wanted the man who I thought I would marry to enjoy my family, too.

Are these things too much to ask?

 

Lost, I told you in the past and will repeat now, I think you need to work on yourself. Who's unhappy here is yourself. If you don't get the gift you want, you're unhappy. If you don't do what you want, you're unhappy. You know, a lot of women are upset if they get electronics / appliances as gifts and would be happy to get diamond studs . When I imagine myself being in your boyfriends shoes, I would probably gift you the diamonds as well based on my past experiences .

 

I think he thought that you were telling him to get you an appliance because it was something useful, not because it was truly a gift for you. Maybe, he wanted to give you something MORE personal, such as earrings. And I cannot blaim him.

 

I would say you are right on here, but usually I get a card. That's it. There have been a few years, where I didn't even get a card.

 

Have you ever thought that simply accepting and being thankful for what people give you would make you happier and would make people around you happier?

 

Are you telling me to suck it up? I have given, given, given. I will now take control of my life and take.

 

Based on what you're writing on here, I could imagine you nagging on him constantly because he just never does right things and he just never behaves the way you want him to behave. Have you ever thought that your nagging could be distancing him from you and his family.

 

If I was a consistent nagger, do you think it would have taken me six years to tell him I was unhappy in our relationship?

I had to crawl back up the hole I had been pushed into. Stretch myself back up to the 5'6" that I am, instead of the two feet tall I have been through out this relationship.

[lostsoulmate]

Wow! I'll buy your guy if you ever decide to sell him!

 

He took them back and got me the vac.

 

So how did you react when you saw them?

 

I told him thank you. Then we went to dinner. Two days later I told him I didn't really want the earrings. I really wanted the vac. See above.

[anne1707]

It's not that you should expect nothing. But really what are you giving him. Do you really love him? Respect him? Want to be with him?

 

Can you answer yes to all those questions and really mean that? If you can then start working on you relationship - even if you have not told him about your cheating, you will have distanced yourself from him. If you can't answer yes then leave - but do it with dignity and respect the fact that you BOTH have a child.

 

Lost

 

Bumping these as I would like to know the answers my questions - what do you REALLY want? Do you really want to be with your bf?

[lostsoulmate]

Lost

 

Bumping these as I would like to know the answers my questions - what do you REALLY want? Do you really want to be with your bf?

 

I want me back. I lost part of me trying to fit into his life.

 

No, I do not, but I don't want to break his heart either.

 

I know I can't have it both ways.

 

This is the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I do not do it lightly, as some here perceive I have.

[anne1707]

To be fair to both of you, you need to tell him as soon as possible. Have someone look after your daughter so you can both talk without her hearing anything - she does not need to see this.

 

It will never be easy but you need to end this so that you can both be happy. Just as this relationship is not giving you everything you need, it won't really be working for him as you are not truly there for him.

 

However the most important thing in all this is for your daughter to be able to see both her parents and to see that they still love her even though they are no longer together.

[Dexter Morgan]

DM,

 

Why do you bother posting in my threads?

Why?

 

In case you haven't noticed, others on this thread agree with me.

[Dexter Morgan]

In our MC sessions he said I was meeting all his needs. So if he is happy, I should be too.

The therapist told him to get over himself.

 

Marriage counseling? You aren't married.

 

And why would a therapist tell him to get over himself if he said you were meeting his needs? I would think the therapist would say that if he complained that his needs were NOT being met.

[lostsoulmate]

In case you haven't noticed, others on this thread agree with me.

 

 

They agree with you, because you throw the "I hate all cheaters" crap out there.

 

You start and they finish.

[lostsoulmate]

Marriage counseling? You aren't married.

 

And why would a therapist tell him to get over himself if he said you were meeting his needs? I would think the therapist would say that if he complained that his needs were NOT being met.

 

 

My IC asked me to have him come to one of my sessions. So I guess it's not MC as much as it's couples therapy (same thing, I thought).

 

He told her I was meeting all his needs, so what was the problem. She then told him to look inside his little box (his life) and to understand that he has been trying to fit a huge oval (my life) into his little box. It just won't work that way. She said he needs to get over himself (quit being selfish) and think (try to understand) about how the person feels. (not just in our relationship, but with all his relationships)

[Dexter Morgan]

They agree with you, because you throw the "I hate all cheaters" crap out there.

 

I threw no such thing like that out there. I highlighted the facts and am just stunned of what you expect out of him after what you did to him and what you are planning to do.

[Dexter Morgan]

My IC asked me to have him come to one of my sessions. So I guess it's not MC as much as it's couples therapy (same thing, I thought).

 

He told her I was meeting all his needs, so what was the problem. She then told him to look inside his little box (his life) and to understand that he has been trying to fit a huge oval (my life) into his little box. It just won't work that way. She said he needs to get over himself (quit being selfish) and think (try to understand) about how the person feels. (not just in our relationship, but with all his relationships)

 

Ok, thanks for the clarification.

 

Now, let me ask you this....what good is couples counseling if you aren't telling the complete truth?

 

The counselor doesn't know you cheated, and neither does your bf.

 

Does the counselor know you are planning to move his daughter 14 hours away from him?

 

Point being, I think you are expecting the counseling to go all your way. He is being open, and getting heat from the counselor.....but you are not...why? Because the counselor doesn't know the truth on your side of it.

 

That being the case, counseling isn't going to do any good because you are designing these sessions to make it all about you and that you are doing nothing wrong.

[lostsoulmate]

Read her history and you might think differently.

 

You don't think that this is starting something....

[Dexter Morgan]

You don't think that this is starting something....

 

No, its letting people know to know your story before deciding to answer your question of whether you are being petty.

 

Because again, why do you care? You are going to move 14 hours away and take his daughter with you. Forget the cheating. Because you have no plans to be with him, why do you care what he does anymore?

[lostsoulmate]

Ok, thanks for the clarification.

 

Now, let me ask you this....what good is couples counseling if you aren't telling the complete truth?

 

She does know the truth.

 

Does the counselor know you are planning to move his daughter 14 hours away from him?

 

Yes.

 

That being the case, counseling isn't going to do any good because you are designing these sessions to make it all about you and that you are doing nothing wrong.

 

She is my therapist. I had to beg him to go with me. Beg... why should I have to beg him to try and help make "us" work.

I decided then that he only cares about himself, if I have to beg him to do something, why do I stay?

[Dexter Morgan]

She does know the truth.

 

ok, so its couples counseling...he is there...so the counselor knows you cheated, but your bf still doesn't know??

 

 

Yes.

 

 

So what did the counselor say to you moving his child that far away from him?

 

 

She is my therapist. I had to beg him to go with me. Beg... why should I have to beg him to try and help make "us" work.

 

because people don't like the idea of therapists, and if your counselor knows the complete truth, but isn't taking into consideration any of the wrong doing of yours and is putting all this on him, as I'm sure you want her to, then I can see why people don't want to go to counseling.

 

....but he did end up going didn't he?

 

 

I decided then that he only cares about himself, if I have to beg him to do something, why do I stay?

 

He only cares about himself? I'm sure he isn't perfect and could work on things from his end...no doubt.

 

But you want to move 14 hours away, he doesn't...you decided it was your way or the highway.

[lostsoulmate]

He still doesn't know. If I were still cheating I would tell him. It was one night. (I am not saying what I did was right by any means). I haven't had any contact with the ex (OM). Telling him now would only make me feel better. I would be getting rid of my guilt. Cheating is not the reason why I want to leave him. I am not seeing if the grass is indeed greener with some other guy.

 

The counselor said my daughter being around my family would be great. She also said that I would be a better parent if I was happy. If it takes being around my family for me to be happy, then that is what I should do.

 

She told me it was my decision to tell him about the OM. She also said that if being with the OM that one night is what helped me see where my unhappiness was coming from (I thought I was going crazy) being treated like... "THE WOMAN". He has an idea of the perfect "woman" who would fit in his little box. Over the past six years I have done my best to be that "woman". But I am a big oval that doesn't fit into a small box.

That is not who I am, so I am to blame for this situation as much as he is. But I have tried to talk to him about it for years. We have the same damn argument over and over.

 

This isn't something out of the blue.

Me figuring out exactly why I was unhappy is.

[jwi71]

lostoulmate,

 

Why are you in IC?

 

Honestly, and this is simply based on a number of your posts in several threads, it isn't doing you ANY good. Many of your posts drip with anger and venom and unhappiness...all aimed externally. This thread is the PERFECT example of that.

 

I mean, you posted because you are unhappy your bf bought you diamond earrings for your birthday? Are you effing' kidding me? Do you grasp how puerile and immature that sounds? I used to think that your anger was the 800 pound gorilla but maybe its the never ending sense of entitlement. Happiness comes from within...

 

And you're upset he didn't spend your birthday with you. Fair enough. I haven't read a single post who says "good for that". Except...how can you possibly be complaining at what a selfish prick he is and be surprised at this? How could you have NOT been expecting this? If its who he is then its who he is. Either accept it or leave.

 

Problem is you REFUSE to do either...have YOU taken ANY steps to moving away? Have YOU taken ANY steps to make YOUR life better? Or do you just sit their and let all this negativity consume you...

[lostsoulmate]

lostoulmate,

 

Why are you in IC?

 

Because I did think I was going crazy. I have had a hard life, and this is not the first time I have been in IC.

 

And you're upset he didn't spend your birthday with you. Fair enough. I haven't read a single post who says "good for that". Except...how can you possibly be complaining at what a selfish prick he is and be surprised at this? How could you have NOT been expecting this? If its who he is then its who he is. Either accept it or leave.

 

No I am not surprised. What I am surprised at is how much I doubt myself. I never used to do that.

 

Problem is you REFUSE to do either...have YOU taken ANY steps to moving away? Have YOU taken ANY steps to make YOUR life better? Or do you just sit their and let all this negativity consume you...

 

I have had several job interviews. I have a place to stay.

I just need to get through the break-up. He just won't let go. Perhaps I am not helping that situation. Because every time he gets sad, I comfort him.

I am moving to the spare bedroom. I don't want to lead him on, if that is what is happening.

He just keeps saying, "I thought we were going to build a life."

To which I reply, "I thought we had been trying to do that for years?"

[Dexter Morgan]

The counselor said my daughter being around my family would be great. She also said that I would be a better parent if I was happy. If it takes being around my family for me to be happy, then that is what I should do.

 

super!! then its a done deal! You will be happy, your daughter will be around more family, just not her father...and all will be well for you.

 

So again, why do you give a crap what he does or doesn't do? For what you are about to do to him, you have no right to complain what he does for your birthday.

 

thats the point...whats done is done, you know what you are going to do, you messed around.....but thats not the point here. The point is after all that, you still expect him to do things for you.

 

You want to move 14 hours away? fine...do it. If you think you'll be happy...fine...do it. If you think your daughter will be better off, even without her father with her....fine....do it.

If your counselor thinks its a good idea to do all this...fine, then do it.

 

But quit with the entitlement attitude with regards to your stbX-bf.

 

Again, he isn't going to be your bf very much longer.....he knows this as well. So I'm surprised he did ANYTHING for your birthday. He got you earrings and took you out to dinner.

 

thats more than any stbX-bf should do.