QueenR416 Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 I’ve been reading posts here for awhile and see that great advice is doled out, so I figured I would give it a shot. Here is a short version my story… I have been married for 2.5 years, but together for almost 15 years. He is 34, I will be 30 soon. We have two children ages 9 & 3. We have always had a very turbulent relationship- both verbally and emotionally abusive. He has a temper and has struggled with depression, alcohol and prescription drug abuse on and off over the years. I was always the one who pushed for us to stay together and work on our problems. We moved to another state 2 years ago and things have taken a turn for the worst. About 6 months ago I found out that he was taking some heavy doses of prescription pills and mixing them with alcohol. After a huge fight, I had him put into a detox center. We talked everyday while he was there and he promised that this will never happen again. They diagnosed him with bipolar disorder (which explained his crazy mood swings and temper) and gave him a new medication. So things are looking up right? He has become the model husband and a great dad. The thing is, I can’t stand him and can‘t keep my mind from wondering when his next outburst will occur. He treats me nicely now and I care about him, I just don’t think I’m in love with him anymore. I guess it doesn’t help that during the time of his detox, I developed a very close friendship with a single coworker. We don’t work together on a daily basis- I may only see him 4 times a year. We did meet up for lunch once recently, and we talk/text almost every day. When we talk, it’s personal, but not romantic. However, I do feel like I am developing feeling for him. I’m not sure what to do with myself at this point. Adding this friendship into the mix has thrown me for a loop. I’m not thinking that I will run off with this coworker or anything like that, but I do feel guilty because I should be “standing by my man” and trying to work it out with him, but my heart just isn’t in it anymore. If I am being 100% honest with myself, the reason I haven’t left yet is financial. We made a big mistake moving here- 2 hours from any friends or family. We have a big house and cannot sell it because of the market. I am worried that while I will be able to pay the bills, I will be stuck out here all alone with the two kids and all the work that comes along with owning big house. Totally ridiculous, I know, but honest. Any advice/comments good or bad would be greatly appreciated. If you need more background information, I’ll be glad to provide it. Thanks for reading- just writing this down, makes me feel a little better.
seibert253 Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 This isn't hard to figure out. You've devoloped an emotional attachment with your "friend", that should be reserved for your husband. Texting everyday, going out for lunch, sounds alot like an emotional affair. Let me ask you some questions: 1. Do you discuss close details about yourself with your friend, that are only known by your husband? 2. Have you discussed close details about yourself with your "friend", that are NOT known by your husband? 3. Do you discuss marital issues with your "friend", that you haven't discussed with your husband? 4. Have you ever discussed sex related issues with your "friend", specifically likes and dislikes? 5. Does your husband know you text this "friend" everyday, and have met him for lunch engagements? 7. If your husband was doing all, or any of these with his "close friend", who was of the opposite sex, would you have a problem with this? See where I'm going with this. The reason you don't feel like you love your husband is because you're focusing your love and emotion on your "friend", instead of your husband. Does your husband know about this? Have your discussed it with him? Have you told him how you feel? Probably not. Like it or not, you're engaged in an emotional affair with your "friend", that at the very least is not appropriate. The main question is do you want to repair your marriage, or do you want to purse your fantasy world with your "friend"? If you want to fix your broken marriage, that's simple, (at least is theory). A. Cut all contact with your friend. Do not call, email, text, nothing, nada B. Marriage counseling for you and your husband. C. Talk to your husband, tell him everything, your likes, dislikes, etc. (Men cannot read your mind) If you focused your attention on your marriage, and not your "friend", I bet you'll soon realize just how much you DO love your husband.
Author QueenR416 Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 Thanks for your reply and you're probably right about the emotional attachment. My H does know that we are friends, but not the full extent of it. I do talk to the OM about some of my marital problems, but not all. My H knows much more about me than the OM does. I do not talk to the OM about sex. Like I said, it's very much platonic at this point. On Friday, I told my H that I was unhappy and that I didn't know if I loved him anymore. I also suggested marriage counseling because I was tired of trying to work these things out on our own. His response was that I should get over it because he is a good guy now and that if we needed marriage counseling, then we should just get a divorce and avoid the hassle. The next day, he was all smiles and trying to hug/kiss me. I feel like I'm dealing with someone who is not on my level- emotionally and mentally. He's from one extreme to the next (because of the bipolar) on a pretty regular basis and I don't feel that I have the capacity to deal with it anymore. I just totally drained from dealing with this for so many years.
imagine Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Bi-polar is a problem. Apparently it gets worse with aging. A fatal move is that he must always be on medication. He may not neglect taking it. As for the other guy, no marriage should have a back-up. Your spouse is always your best friend. You are in the first phases of an EA. Stop it before it gets too bad.
Mr. Lucky Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 So things are looking up right? He has become the model husband and a great dad. The thing is, I can’t stand him and can‘t keep my mind from wondering when his next outburst will occur. He treats me nicely now and I care about him, I just don’t think I’m in love with him anymore. I'm always somewhat confused by posts like yours. You tell your H he must change for the good of the marriage and family, he does (and I can only imagine the challenges involved for both of you in dealing with his mix of issues) and now comes the "I'm not in love with him anymore" ??? What would have been your reaction had he refused detox? Mr. Lucky
2sunny Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 i don't think you're being honest at all. you are using false honesty to justify bad behavior. if you are honest - you will go directly to your husband and tell him that you are MAJORLY tempted by this "friendship" and the marriage is at risk. you can also tell him that you coerced him to get well and now you aren't familiar with the new and improved version of what he truly is. seems very sad and mean spirited that you are lying to yourself that you are "being honest" - you're not... you are using it as a cover up for the real truth. you want to cheat and are trying to justify your temptation.
Dumbledore Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 , I just don’t think I’m in love with him anymore. That's sad, but it happens. You gave it your best shot, and you should be proud of that. Your coworker sounds like a great guy, and you are lucky to have him in your life. His unselfish support is like gold.
Tired03 Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 Actually I kind of understand this. When you're stuck in the craziness with a bipolar person, you're along for the ride. You often feel passionate love for them during that period because things are so difficult to get over - the highs are too high, the anger is too angry, the sadness too weepy. A bipolar person wreaks total havoc on a family unit, or on a relationship. Then, when the dust settles because they get on meds, get educated, whatever, you realize - I don't even know this person. Not in the least. That's where my husband and I were after the abuse. That part was over, he had gone to classes, and I looked around and said - who the heck is this person. I couldn't live with the crazy face of bipolar (but yet, had to help him through it because it is a mental illness) - but now, the very non-crazy person in front of me is totally foreign to me. The distance between my husband and I emotionally was light years. I thought to myself, how can I love him any more? I've never had a truly close emotional relationship with him and discussing things that normal couples do...well...we both went into avoidant mode. Because we were too scared of the triggers. He didn't trust himself to discuss it without reverting to his old behaviors, I was terrified because I was so done with the crazy screaming fights and the violence. We're still working through it to this day, but I do want to tell you that it *can* be done. If you want to put that effort toward it. I'm not going to castigate you for having feelings for your friend. I understand how emotionally you can feel like you have been alone in your marriage for a long time - been there, done that, would write a book if I have time. But, I can help you work through healing if you are interested.
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